facing heartbreak sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Montreal
Posts: 85
facing heartbreak sober
I have been posting on this board for a few weeks, after lurking for months. As I said in my introductory post, I had been drinking about 1.5 – 2 bottles of wine a night (or the equivalent in beer and wiskey) for 30 years. After many false starts and relapses, I recently quit dinking for good.
During my drinking days I was a decent dad, but a lousy husband. I was wallowing in depression, stress and self-pity, and hung over and grumpy almost every day. Worst of all, unfaithful to my wife. I deserved it when she threw me out about 6 months ago.
Anyway, I genuinely do not want to drink ever again, and feel better than I have in years. Until today I even harbored a hope that my wife would take me back now that the much nicer, sober me has emerged. I look back on my behaviour during my years of drinking with incredible shame and guilt.
Over the past few weeks, my wife led me to believe that she was considering reconciling, and I was very happy and hopeful. Yesterday, however, I learned that she has already started dating guys who she has been meeting on an online dating site. It hit me like a shot in the gut. I’m feeling completely shattered. Despite my idiotic infidelity during my drinking years, I truly love my wife and can’t bear the thought of being without her. She says she’s over me, and I can’t blame her after the way I treated her, but it hurts like hell nonetheless.
My fellow recovering addicts, the good news is that I did not drink last night and will not drink today either.
Just venting. Thanks for reading.
During my drinking days I was a decent dad, but a lousy husband. I was wallowing in depression, stress and self-pity, and hung over and grumpy almost every day. Worst of all, unfaithful to my wife. I deserved it when she threw me out about 6 months ago.
Anyway, I genuinely do not want to drink ever again, and feel better than I have in years. Until today I even harbored a hope that my wife would take me back now that the much nicer, sober me has emerged. I look back on my behaviour during my years of drinking with incredible shame and guilt.
Over the past few weeks, my wife led me to believe that she was considering reconciling, and I was very happy and hopeful. Yesterday, however, I learned that she has already started dating guys who she has been meeting on an online dating site. It hit me like a shot in the gut. I’m feeling completely shattered. Despite my idiotic infidelity during my drinking years, I truly love my wife and can’t bear the thought of being without her. She says she’s over me, and I can’t blame her after the way I treated her, but it hurts like hell nonetheless.
My fellow recovering addicts, the good news is that I did not drink last night and will not drink today either.
Just venting. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 177
I am really glad you have turneed your life around and you did not drink last night.
When you stop drinking, its like smashing a glass. You will pick up the pieces after, but yet there will still be plenty of shards left on the ground. If your lucky you may step on one and then pick it up. But unfortunatly some shards never get picked up from the damage caused...
I dont know if you understood that, but basically the point is... When damage is done, some things get resolved and others dont.
You never know what happens in your situation. Your wife may still love you and be a fraid to get back with you or else the love she once had maybe gone. I dont know... Only she knows and only time will tell.
Best of luck... and again congrats for becoming and staying sober.
When you stop drinking, its like smashing a glass. You will pick up the pieces after, but yet there will still be plenty of shards left on the ground. If your lucky you may step on one and then pick it up. But unfortunatly some shards never get picked up from the damage caused...
I dont know if you understood that, but basically the point is... When damage is done, some things get resolved and others dont.
You never know what happens in your situation. Your wife may still love you and be a fraid to get back with you or else the love she once had maybe gone. I dont know... Only she knows and only time will tell.
Best of luck... and again congrats for becoming and staying sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Montreal
Posts: 85
Thanks everyone for your warm words and thoughts. I must admit I didn't sleep last night and am finding it almost impossible to focus on anything today. She was the love of my life, and I blew it. But I won't be drinking. My kids deserve a sober dad.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: England
Posts: 70
Let her go. You messed up and it's the price to pay. She's always going to be in your life via the children so you have that.
If you get her back, you might be tempted to drink and you'll end up dead. You don't want your kids to bury their dad when it isn't time.
I've had a **** day, so apologies if I sound harsh.
If you get her back, you might be tempted to drink and you'll end up dead. You don't want your kids to bury their dad when it isn't time.
I've had a **** day, so apologies if I sound harsh.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I'm really, really sorry too. I've been there. My marriage ended three years ago—not my wish, not my desire. And she started dating pretty quickly, and remarried just a year and a half after we split. It sucked. Like you, I couldn't imagine life without her. Unlike you, I used it as an excuse to keep drinking. It didn't help at all—if anything, it made things worse, making me feel even more lonely.
The good news. I'm OK. I'm OK with her, and OK with my life without her. I get along with her and her husband, which is especially important because we have a child. But it's good for my peace of mind too.
My life is not what I expected, but it's pretty good these days. Once I stopped cursing my fate, resenting her, and most of all, stopped feeling like someone had stolen my future away, things got a lot better. It took time, but it the heart does heal.
I hope you guys reconcile. A buddy of mine's wife split, they were separated and dating other people for about a year, and now they're back together and happy. It does happen. But even when it doesn't, people can and do feel joy again.
The good news. I'm OK. I'm OK with her, and OK with my life without her. I get along with her and her husband, which is especially important because we have a child. But it's good for my peace of mind too.
My life is not what I expected, but it's pretty good these days. Once I stopped cursing my fate, resenting her, and most of all, stopped feeling like someone had stolen my future away, things got a lot better. It took time, but it the heart does heal.
I hope you guys reconcile. A buddy of mine's wife split, they were separated and dating other people for about a year, and now they're back together and happy. It does happen. But even when it doesn't, people can and do feel joy again.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: central n00bistan
Posts: 121
ReadyAndAble if it was me I would try to see this as an incredible opportunity to become the Very Best Man I Can Be. And if, in accomplishing that, you become the Husband She Deserves, and she is still The One You Want, then maybe at that point the two of you can talk about what it looks like going forward.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
I agree with ChikkaB. Work on yourself and being the man you really want to be. If it's meant to be, she'll come around. If not, you're still a better man! And perhaps you're meant to meet someone new. Someone with whom you can start fresh.
And congrats on staying sober through all of this. I know it's especially rough when relationships are heading south!
And congrats on staying sober through all of this. I know it's especially rough when relationships are heading south!
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Birmingham, England
Posts: 666
Someone said to me last night that them splitting up with their partner was the best thing that could of happened to him. The reasoning behind this was that it gave him the kick up the backside he needed to quit drinking. He said he still loved him but had no resentment now.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Thanks, ChikkaB — but I think you got me and Joe mixed up. That water flowed under my bridge long ago.... we've all moved on, and I'm feeling pretty good (Spen's friend kinda nailed the way I now look at my situation).
I think your suggestion makes a lot of sense for Joe, though!
I think your suggestion makes a lot of sense for Joe, though!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Montreal
Posts: 85
Thanks again to everyone. This board is great! In my past attempts to abstain from drinking I did not achieve sobriety. I know now that I was a dry drunk and tragedies like this did indeed send me back to the bottle. Although I am heartbroken, I know that my drinking caused the end of my marriage and returning to drinking will only make things worse for her, me and my kids, and I have no hostility towards her. I am still grateful for having wonderful kids, having had the time I had with a wonderful woman, and most of all I am grateful for my sobriety. I really think I am going to make it this time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
I'm one of those wives...
left an active alcoholic who is trying to moderate but still allows a once a week binge and a couple other nights. It's his decision.
I too joined a dating site. I then removed myself from it a short while later.
If she's giving you cues that perhaps the two of you could try again--then communicate and see where that goes.
She may date, but if she says she still loves you, then she would throw them under the bus in a hurry should the two of you date again.
Just saying a date with another man isn't the end of the world.
What is she telling you right now about possibly seeing each other?
Dating is a way to keep feeling alive--doesn't mean she isn't interested if she says she is.
It all depends on what she is telling you when you communicate well.
Dating isn't love...it does pass the time. Are you available? Are you communicative? Are you communicating with her on a regular basis?
left an active alcoholic who is trying to moderate but still allows a once a week binge and a couple other nights. It's his decision.
I too joined a dating site. I then removed myself from it a short while later.
If she's giving you cues that perhaps the two of you could try again--then communicate and see where that goes.
She may date, but if she says she still loves you, then she would throw them under the bus in a hurry should the two of you date again.
Just saying a date with another man isn't the end of the world.
What is she telling you right now about possibly seeing each other?
Dating is a way to keep feeling alive--doesn't mean she isn't interested if she says she is.
It all depends on what she is telling you when you communicate well.
Dating isn't love...it does pass the time. Are you available? Are you communicative? Are you communicating with her on a regular basis?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Joe,
Sorry for both of you--you know she has suffered a lot, too.
Talk to your sponsor and focus on your recovery. What will be will be. Maybe she will want you back and maybe not. Either way, your recovery is important.
FWIW, my first husband and I divorced after he was sober fifteen years (the divorce had nothing to do with alcoholism, things just didn't work out). We remained good friends, and sixteen years after the divorce he has been a great dad, and I even stay with him and his wife when I go out to see my college-age kiddos. Sobriety is ALWAYS a good thing.
Sorry for both of you--you know she has suffered a lot, too.
Talk to your sponsor and focus on your recovery. What will be will be. Maybe she will want you back and maybe not. Either way, your recovery is important.
FWIW, my first husband and I divorced after he was sober fifteen years (the divorce had nothing to do with alcoholism, things just didn't work out). We remained good friends, and sixteen years after the divorce he has been a great dad, and I even stay with him and his wife when I go out to see my college-age kiddos. Sobriety is ALWAYS a good thing.
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