TotoBidule

Day 7 (or 2?). I don't know how to feel right now. About an hour after posting my last message here yesterday, I was feeling pretty bad. Anxiety, and a great sense of frustation and even anger at having to face lots of people drinking in the flat. I ended up calling non-understanding flatmate pretty much the worst thing you can in French... in front of his girlfriend and other flatmate... Were I thinking clearly, I certainly wouldn't have done that but I'm sure you all know about that! He flipped. Ended up cornering me in the kitchen and giving me a 10 minute tirade about how he had never spoken to me like that. That if I had something to say to him it should have been face-to-face and not in front of others. I tried to say I wasn't myself - he countered that it wasn't him that put me in this state so he shouldn't have to suffer... and so on for about 10 minutes. It felt that long anyway. I had a minor panic attack and as soon as I could move, got to my room. I was flipped out for about half an hour and realised that there was no way I could do tapering. It already required great discipline, and I was feeling REALLY bad. There was no way I could have any sort of alcohol, because there would be no way to stop it. So I made the decision that 4 days would have to be enough, and my tapering was finished, for better or worse.

My doc prescribed me meprobamate after I flipped last Tuesday, and I decided to start it after another short search on the internet. MAN that stuff is amazing! No buzz, but the wild emotional swings were completely gone. I was properly calm, not just calm enough. I talked to my doc a couple of days after he prescribed it for me and he said that it wasn't for taking every day - just occasionally when it gets too much - at least until tomorrow, I'll do what it says on the prescription - one tablet morning, afternoon and evening.

In a way I feel like it's cheating. I'm just substituing for something else, especially as meprobamate is apparently so addictive in itself. I can't tell you enough how liberating it feels to be completely free of alcohol though! Being sober is one thing, being completely alcohol free is another!

Anyway, now I just rambling :-).

Auggie

Way to go Toto!! This is a giant leap forward that took a lot of courage on your part. I hope all goes well with your doctor. Keep checking in. The rewards are well worth the temporary discomfort.

:ghug3