Inafishbowl

I am all over the map. I'm even beyond angry that I can't cuss on this board without getting bleeped.

I've been doing ok. Doing alright. Vented my resentments a while ago and came around. Have been keeping quiet with the husband trying to keep the peace for the most part. He has been doing the same. But today I want to effen strangle him!!!!!!! He is the most passive aggressive person on the planet, which I react to. I know. I'm not following any of the rules.

Here's the issue today. We got married 3 years ago and were given a bottle of 1999 Dom Pérignon as a gift. I had forgotten about it. He brought it up this weekend very casually that we're going to have to think about what we are going to do with it. He is not an alcoholic, but has stopped drinking in solidarity I guess for me. Not for good, just for now. Which is fine. This isn't his issue. But ever since he brought it up, I'm so angry. I really don't have the temptation to drink it, but I am SO ANGRY that I didn't already drink it. I know I am being very childish, but if I can't have it then I don't want him to have it either. So There!

Keep in mind also that Champagne is is drink of choice. But I don't care. I don't want him to drink OUR gift!!!!!!!!!
So Yesterday, he comes home and I tell him that we need to get rid of it. He gets all perturbed with me. I blow an internal gasket. I mean, he's angry about the champagne he can't drink, but he can have a drink whenever he wants. He can't even stop to wrap is thick brain around what I am attempting to do here!!!!!! I tried my best to be calm and tell him how I was feeling. He "listened" as he played a video game on his iPhone. The things I say go in and out of his ears. Never a "I'm sorry you're feeling like crap", never a hug or a loving gesture. His nature is to take it all personally and get defensive and shut down. It makes me crazy.

He's supportive, but in a very matter of fact kind of way. I know he can't know exactly what I'm going through, but his lame platitudes and smiles and "thumbs up" crap makes me want to rip his throat out. The way he skips through life and seems to be skipping through this is infuriating me.

Bottom line. I know I am acting like a child. But Mr. Fishbowl has some issues of his own to work out. I picked a fight with him today over court stuff (which is stressing me out more and more). He left for a hotel. And you know what? I'm happy he's not here. I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a month.

Today is a very very bad day. My worst one yet since I quit such a very short time ago. The only good news is I don't want to drink even a little bit.

So there you go. Give me your tough love. I can take it. But maybe just a little tenderness too, because I'm a mess today and I can see my wrongs, I just feel so very out of control of my emotions.

Fandy

I think Mr. Fishbowl is probably feeling relieved to get away from your wrath...

what's more important? the love and respect of your dear spouse? or a bottle of Dom? why wouldn't you want him to enjoy the gift from your marriage if you cannot? If you were allergic to lobster would you ban him from eating it?

have a hot bath and maybe try some 5-HTP supplement in the evening to lessen your anxiety.

let me explain that Mr. Fandy and i split over other issues which exacerbated my drinking and depression....if he were back in the picture i would not deny him any enjoyment of a beverage i have no interest in. i would want him to be happy because i loved him.

ronf

I so want to be of comfort here. I just don't know what to say. It's quite possible you are feeling things you haven't felt in a long time, and your feeling them with an intensity you've forgotten you had. I know early on I was all over the map emotionally. I had a temper that made me feel bad after blowing up. I have no pearls of wisdom, or comforting platitudes. I can tell you your not alone, your not the first, and your definitely not the last to feel like this.

My heart gos out to you, Ron

pattenat

Why do you have to EVER open it? Can it not be kept as a memory of that special day? (I know you're not feeling like it was very special right now but....) Or maybe you could shove it up his.... I know that's not helpful. LOL. Sorry!

I know what you're going through right now Fishbowl. It's Step 4. I myself broke down yesterday, not angry break down just thinking about all this crap that I did. Resentments, Fears, Sexual Wrongs, and so on.... It's not easy looking at all of it. But you know what, you have to. You have to, to get past it and move forward with your recovery. It's going to get better so it's going to be worth it.

Try this on for size, not only am I doing Step 4 right now but just started my Courage to Heal workbook as well. I'm a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse.

I got mad the other day because my husband wanted to read my Resentments and when I told him no, he got mad at me. He has to understand, this is my stuff (people in my life are NOT used to me putting me first). I told him maybe one day I'll share but not right now. It's in his best interest anyway!!!!!

If you ever want to PM me and rant the husband rant, feel free. You and I can walk this path together.

Hang in there. Take a breath, take a bath, take a walk. One day at a time my love. One day at a time.

Mark75

We kept the empty bottle of Dom from our wedding night for a decade or two... We drank it after partying all night, 3 hours before leaving for the honeymoon... It was a top ten hangover, because she probably had half a glass, and the bottle was empty when we left the hotel.



How do we disassociate these feelings from reality? You are both experiencing them...

Grief, I think, might be the proper description for what you both felt... As much as alcohol turns on us, sometimes cruelly, we still keep these sentimental attachments to it... the bottle of champagne you got on your wedding, for example... My own last grief experience involved my oldest son when he turned 21, I always wanted to buy him his first (legal ) beer at a pub... We took him out to dinner and he ordered a lemonade even though he knew it was OK to have whatever he wanted....

Acknowledge your feelings for what they are... You are still married, have your whole life to live, so you won't be sharing the bottle of Dom... Big effing deal!! It's only a loss if you see it as one.... OTH, if you just shrug your shoulders, put the bottle away somewhere .... and let it remind you only of the happy times... that special day...

You could drink it if you wanted to, but you don't, want to. Maybe you could cook him a nice meal, light the candles, put on some Diana Krall or something jazzy and sexy, and chill the bottle and pour him a glass and remind yourself of why you married him in the first place....

If you can't see yourself doing that, wait until you can.

Dee74

I'm glad you don't want to drink

Recovery is a time of change - and mood swings - and resentment...which, if you don't watch it, can swamp you.

You know why you can't drink anymore Fishbowl - fair or not, it's a given.
The sooner you can find a way to accept that (and accept that others still can) the happier you will be

Some days for me were pretty rough too, but I kept my focus and I trusted those here who said it would get better the more I worked at it.

And it did....I've found a lot to be grateful for in my new life

Keep working at it IAFB
D

Inafishbowl

I am simply not there yet.

Clearly this isn't really about Champagne. Even I see that. It's just a symbol for this mountain I have to climb. But also because he has little passive aggressive ways of getting to me. He gives me the quiet little jabs (which ARE quite hostile at times) and then I freak out and get angry. He just sits there and shrugs his shoulders, "what? what did I do?". His communication style is not good for me right now. I don't need him to baby or coddle me. But I also don't need him acting like this isn't really a big deal at all, either. Just a hug and a "how ya doing" would be nice. Those are few and too far between. He has a way of taking my wretched mood and throwing gas on it.
It really has me wondering what is going to happen down the road? What if I do have this grand spiritual awakening that everybody talks about? Is he still going to be like this anytime something emotional comes up? I don't think I can deal with it.

An alcoholic can quit drinking. What do jerkity jerk jerks do? There isn't any Jerks Anonymous is there?

LexieCat

I can relate to blowing a gasket in early sobriety. Heck, I blew a few a couple of years in.

He's probably going through the thoughts, "Hell, if that's how she's gonna be, I'd rather she have a DRINK." But that's because other people really DON'T understand how we feel.

My suggestion is that you call someone from one of your meetings (I'm sure you have phone numbers) and rant and rave. They may give you "AA-speak" but they WILL get how you are feeling.

To your credit, you realize you are being irrational. That's progress, right there. Plus, you came here and posted about it. MORE progress.

Do whatever you need to do (hot bath sounds excellent) to get yourself back on track. You are gonna need to make an apology, at some point, but for now settle for getting calmed down.

Hugs, this too shall pass.

Rusty Zipper

ina,

love the thread title!

happy to hear you dont want to drink

and next time hubby lays the jab on you,

simply smile,

and say, thats nice dear

trust me, it does miracles

Mark75

LOL...

But since you can only clean your side of the street, hmm, maybe there is a Jerk-Anon meeting for their codependents...

LOL...

Sugah

Sweetie, it sounds to me like you want him to understand what you're going through, and no matter how much you want him to--no matter how much he might want to--he can't. Not if he's not alcoholic. They just don't get it. Thank God for that, huh? Imagine if you were both having to deal with the growing pains of sobriety at the same time.

I get your frustration (why didn't I already drink it? why did we save it??). You mentioned some time ago that he's not an enabler, that he'll let you face the consequences of your actions. It's very likely that he sees this as a consequence. I have a friend who says, "I abused the privilege to drink." He became alcoholic and I was born one, so I don't get it, but perhaps that's how your husband is seeing this--that you abused the privilege and he shouldn't have to suffer, too. Who knows?

Know what I'd do? Figure out half of what the bottle is worth--and suggest you take your "value" in the bottle and buy yourself something nice.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Stevie1

I wish I had something wise to offer, but I don't...I think ronf maybe nailed it: you're starting to feel things you've kept squashed down for a long time? And anger sure is a side effect of quitting drinking....I've had days where I could rip the heads off of kittens. (Not really.)

I know how PA behaviour can make you utterly nuts....my ex would do that.

I am ((proud)) of you for not drinking, though.

michelle01

Is there something else you can do to get the anger out of your system, flashes of anger can be normal in first weeks of sobriety. You're right, this is more than just about a bottle of champagne. Relying on friends and family to totally support you in recovery however is not the best idea. For a whole group of reasons. I know that you are attending AA, it's essential to reach out to them when you know you have to.

It's easy to project your anger and frustration. Most of us found ourselves in that situation at some time or another.

Being sober introduces a whole set of changes that everyone has to get used to, if there are communication issues that is something you may have to work on but please don't make it about your alcoholism recovery, because that is something for you yourself to own.

Yes I lol'd at Jerk Anon. But seriously maybe a good thing for him at the moment may be some Al Anon meetings.

Inafishbowl

Mark. You nailed it. If I know anything, I know grief. And this is THAT exactly. Exactly!

Does anybody remember "What's eating Gilbert Grape"? There was a scene in that movie where Depp is narrating. He says something like "there were good days...." (Leonardo is laughing happily chasing a bug) ".....and there were bad days" (Leonardo catches the bug and starts crying hysterically that he killed it).

That scene pretty much sums up what's going on in my head. I wish I wasn't so happy that he isn't here. But I am right now. I'm going to try and settle down and watch a movie with my daughter and somehow prepare to eat crow. I really appreciate you all. Thank you!

stanleyhouse

I know that relationships are very tough because people do not know what others want out of a relationship unless you tell them. I would share with your husband what you need when you are not angry and let him deal with it.
Things won't get better without communication and if you don't share exactly what you need he is not able to give it to you.
I am so glad you do not want to drink. Recovery is about changing your life, improving your relationships is hopefully a bonus.
SH

artsoul

Sorry you're having a tough time. Sounds like the two of you should sit down and talk after the emotion has cooled...... I remember being irritable even about silly things early on..... so I think it's normal.

Just an observation, though...... you said some things about your husband (for example: "he's the most passive-agressive person on the planet", "the way he skips through life") that suggest it's not about the champagne or just being irritable, so maybe there's some relationship stuff that needs to be figured out?

Just proud of you for staying strong, and wishing you all the best.......

wpainterw

Maybe there's another, more successful way in which you might take out your aggressions. When things get tough then maybe some serious jogging? Ever try racquetball? Nothing like smashing a little rubber ball against a blank wall as a way of letting things out.
If you can't get a hug from your husband, then try going to a meeting. Lots of hugs there. Maybe ALANON would help him learn a bit about what you're going through and what you're trying to do, where you're at right now.
But the bottom line is not drinking. Not drinking isn't everything. It's the only thing, as Yogi Berra might have said.Good luck.

W.

Dee74

I'll send you a meeting list lol

D

Inafishbowl

The bottle really isn't special other than the champagne inside. It was given to us after we got married by one of my clients. It really holds no other meaning for me other than resentment. And there is nothing sentimental about it for him.

Can I smash it with a sledgehammer? That would feel much better than a rubber ball.

Danae

I actually thought about the smashing idea, but figured it wasn't a good idea to mention it while you were still angry

Champagne WAS my drink of choice, so it sounds miserable to me for different reasons. But it certainly must dredge up a lot of feelings if it was a wedding present.

Sorry---no extremely wise things to say, other than sometimes you have to just be angry for a while before you can put it aside. Maybe let yourself stew while he's away? You can think it through rationally tomorrow. And some day this may actually seem funny to you.

In the meantime congrats on not using this as an excuse to drink. Fastastic!

Hang in there.....