nancylee

Hi,
Your situation sounds a lot like mine - passive aggressive husband, not an alcoholic, but doesn't drink at all now to help me, but never gives me a pat on the back. Says things like, "You gave up drinking, good for you, but not a big deal. I don't drink." Grrrrrr...I tell him that it is not a big deal for him because he is NOT a drunk. He will never understand, we just had a conversation yesterday, and his lack of understanding got me frustrated again, and I have 6 and a half months!!

About the champagne?? It is poison, let him have it. Have him take it when he goes out with his buddies or something, it isn't healthy for you to be obsessing over it, since you don't drink anymore. Right?? No big deal. This doesn't sound like it is over the champagne anyway.

And you might want to try the womenforsobriety.org program. I do it, and it is a very positive program for women. You don't beat yourself up in this program, you build yourself up, taking responsibility for your drinking, life and happiness. I like it a lot!
Peace,
Nancy

LexieCat

Heh,

My last relationship (which ended badly) was with a professional winemaker. Seriously. He wasn't an alcoholic and, in fact, VERY rarely drank. And I wasn't much of a wine drinker--I preferred scotch or vodka.

But when I decided to quit drinking, I went on a "search and destroy" mission through my house. I'd accumulated quite a few bottles of wine and champagne (some his, some that were gifts) over the years, and I just thought it wouldn't be smart to have them sitting around the house in case I caved in a weak moment.

So I stood my un-showered self, in smelly clothes, detoxing, popping corks left and right, and pouring them down the drain. It was kinda like New Year's Eve, lol. My kitchen (right off the entryway to my house) REEKED of wine. Wouldn't you know it, there was a knock at my door, and my neighbor had to tell me something. I stood there probably looking (and smelling) like the skid-row bum I felt like right then.

Makes for a good story, now...

Dee74

I;m pretty sure you're joking...but apart from any repercussions with hubby, as an occupational health and safety issue - don't smash the bottle Fishbowl.

I've dropped a magnum or two in my time....

D

stanleyhouse

I would pour it down the drain and say to myself, "how did I forget this". I dumped all the alcohol, even the expensive ones because anybody who worries about booze or the cost probably has a problem with drinking or being cheap. So I thought if I give this stuff away they probably have a problem too if they want a full bar.
When you aren't thinking about it, toss it.
You're awesome!
SH

LexieCat

Maybe you could donate it to a needy yacht owner...

EmeraldRose

I understand you are emotionally fragile right now...why did he have to even bring it up? He could have a) quietly gotten rid of it on your behalf or b) both of you pour it down the drain in a post marital ceremony.
Every drop of liquor is out of my house...I don't even have Nyquil in the cabinet. I understand his attitude is more of a problem than the bottle...hey, why not get rid of both? Just kidding.

pattenat

Lexie lmsao! You crack me up. A needy yacht owner.... that's like an honest loan shark.

Dee still waiting with great anticipation for that meeting list!

Inafishbowl - you could always re-gift it to the person that gave it to you. Then you don't have to feel bad about getting rid or sell it on eBay go buy something nice like someone else sugggested.

DayTrader

IaFB, welcome to how "not drinking" feels. I don't know if you're a real alcoholic now (a chronic alkie vs an acute alkie) or even if it's just "a drinking problem" for you. I'll tell you this though.....it was exactly THAT madness (not the exact same specifics of course, but similar stuff) that forced me into AA. Here I was, "not drinking" and life was getting worse......and not a little worse....... a LOT worse. Everywhere I turned, reminders of why I used to drink.

I needed a "how to live life and like it" program, a "how to deal with my head" program, a "how do I forgive others and myself" program......etc.

You probably won't like my advice......but that stuff continued to beat me unmercifully until I started addressing my spiritual sobriety. Once I started that though, allllllllll the other stuff seemed to fall into place much more quickly and easily.

Kjell

Hiya Fish-

First off - great job posting here honestly about your feelings. This is where the real healing happens, when we're being honest.

May I go out on a limb and suggest that no matter what your husband does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say, you're still going to be pissed at him?

Anytime I'm angry, I have to pause and find my part as I'm always to blame.

Sounds like you've got some work to do on yourself here. I'd first start with apologizing to Mr Fish.

AA has a set of steps that will help you to live a more happy, sober life.

...and of course I can totally relate to your post. I've been there and will be there again.

Kjell

Inafishbowl

Thank you. Trader, I am an alcoholic and I have been going too AA. I have a sponsor. Still haven't embarked on step 4 yet.
I'm still new. Just over a month here. All this time, For the most part I have been looking at "my part". I see my part. Today what I think is part of the anger is clearer. All of this drama Ive caused is huge. I'm noticing now that I often drank when Mr. Fishbowl emotionally "checked out". Not his fault but for sure a trigger.
It seems quite reasonable for him to simply look at our marital problems as all my fault. He went to one Alanon and says he's going back. We'll see.
But last night when he was gone and I was all alone, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in a long time. There is nothing more lonely than sitting next to the one person you love who has such strong walls built up.....the one person who says he loves you no matter what. He has the art of detachment down. To a fault, IMO. Today I am very worried about my marriage. Why can't love just be enough?

CarolD

Hmmm
Husband 1 was passive...Husband 2 violent
Happily divorced both many years ago.


However..I'll pick passive over violent anytime....

Many men just don't express themselves verywell in my experience.
That's why I rely on close women friends

All my best to y'all.....

.

Danae

Hi Fishbowl,

I agree---that is the loneliest feeling in the world. Hope you can figure out a way to not just patch things up, but really fix what is underneath this recent episode. Sounds like things could end up a lot better if it is resolved?

I got sucked into something like this last year with the person I love most in the world. The more I pushed, the more he'd disconnect. I had to stand back and rethink how to act to break the cycle.

As long as I kept pushing, he kept retreating. (Good book---The Dance of Anger---talks about how this behavior can keep people "safe" but stuck in old patterns). Ultimately we had what the shrinks call a "metacommunication" about how this was a pattern and how to break it. It worked. It was a horrible time, though.

Sorry, didn't mean to make this all about me (typical alcoholic behavior). Just that I know it can get better, but the anger probably won't help move things in the right direction. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

I also vote for donating the bottle to a needy yacht owner. I loved that comment

silly

Thanks for sharing your frustrations, Fish.

I understand how you're feeling. It would have irritated me to have my SO bring up the topic, too. I mean, it's been 3 years, why couldn't he bring it up another year from now? You didn't make plans just before getting sober to drink it, right? My guess is that he wasn't really thinking when he asked you about it. He probably saw it, knew you couldn't/shouldn't/wouldn't drink it and wondered what to do, not knowing how sensitive it might be for you. He's not an alcoholic. It's "just" an expensive bottle to him.

I'm glad you realize it's not really about the bottle. Doesn't make it any easier but at least you're being rational, right?

And really, what bottle of booze is worth fighting about? If it's really worth that much, sell it on eBay! Or even on Craigslist. Then you can take the money and have a great dinner, pay some bills or put it toward your next vacation together. Which, by the way, will be much cheaper when you're not getting drunk. Or even better, sell it and let him do what he likes with the money. He'll really appreciate it (I hope) and it might be a nice way to show him that you appreciate him being sober alongside you.

bellakeller

The good thing is you don't have to make any major decisions the first year of sobriety. So once you get a year in you can think about doing something about your unhappiness in your marriage (been where you're at - no fun).

I had to learn to detach with love like they do in AL-Anon and though I was guilty for some things in the marriage, I don't (and refuse to) own all of that man's deep unhappiness and disappointments in his life - though it may be easier for him to point in my direction for that responsibility. I just won't accept what's not mine but I AM willing to take responsibility for what is my junk.

Bottom line; we are just not responsible for making another person happy. No matter how entitled our spouses may feel in that respect, we're not put on this earth to make them happy and content within themselves.

Keep us updated. Thinking of you with much love.

Kjell

Especially in early sobriety, I tried to remember...

Feeling aren't facts and I try not believe everything I think.

Just a way of saying keep up the good work on yourself and keep working those steps. The rest of your life will fall into place.

So much, again in early sobriety, seems final, fatal, and forever and it's just not true in most cases.

Kjell

Inafishbowl

This is a pearl I'm gonna try and hold on to

yeahgr8

Just read your post, wow if he has stopped drinking to support you, even on a temporary basis, thats amazing...if i was living with someone who felt they wanted to be a vegetarian no way that i would change my diet no matter how much i loved them...

If he isn't being sincere in his support then you could always go and get support elsewhere, at AA, counselor etc?

Dee74

I can understand you being worried about your relationship Inafishbowl...but it's early days yet - for you both.

There's a lot of changes in the early days and all the emotional upheaval that comes with it - keep working on yourself and your recovery is the best thing to do I think - you'll get through the swings and you'll get to a new point of stability...and then you can look at whether this is still something that needs your attention

D

Anna

I think, when you are dealing with a person who is passive-aggressive, you need to take care of yourself. You need to set firm boundaries for your protection and stay within the boundaries. You need to pick your battles and present information factually. This is my opinion, but I believe that a passive-aggressive person is unlikely to change because he is unlikely to see 'his' fault in the situation. A PA husband needs to have a partner who he can poke and jab from time to time. This is essential for him. So, you need to detach and step back and take care of yourself.

LexieCat

You might also consider, fishbowl, whether some of his ways of dealing with you have arisen as a coping mechanism for dealing with an alcoholic partner. I'm not saying that's the case, just asking whether that's possible. Some people become passive-aggressive as an alternative to getting into confrontations that are hard to deal with.

And regardless whether that's the case, I think it's relatively rare for both partners in a relationship to have great communication/conflict-resolution skills.

Look, it's something you can deal with once you get further into your recovery. You may both change a LOT as you go through the process.

Hope things are looking better today.