Long Winded Shares at AA
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Long Winded Shares at AA
Hey all... I had the pleasure of being at a meeting today where a man picked up his 37th year sobriety token. It was my first time at the meeting but it was obvious the respect that people in that room had for him. There were about 45 people in the meeting and almost every person there made a comment on how much wisdom they had gained from being around him.
The topic of the meeting was "Ego". When it came to his turn, he said something that I've never heard. He said, "I never share for more than 3 minutes at a meeting. Anything I have to say that is longer than 3 minutes is for my ego, not for the betterment of the group".
It got me thinking about the people I really identify as the "winners". And it occurred to me that they never seem to ramble on and on either. On the flip side, the people I don't typically identify with occasionally use meetings as a forum for a speech.
AA is wonderful either way and like many have said, there is no such thing as a bad meeting... but, I think we can look at the difference between the people who really get it and the one's that don't and try to model ourselves after the group we want to be in... Sort of like sponsorship... Anyway, my 3 minutes are up (LOL). Would like to hear others opinions...
The topic of the meeting was "Ego". When it came to his turn, he said something that I've never heard. He said, "I never share for more than 3 minutes at a meeting. Anything I have to say that is longer than 3 minutes is for my ego, not for the betterment of the group".
It got me thinking about the people I really identify as the "winners". And it occurred to me that they never seem to ramble on and on either. On the flip side, the people I don't typically identify with occasionally use meetings as a forum for a speech.
AA is wonderful either way and like many have said, there is no such thing as a bad meeting... but, I think we can look at the difference between the people who really get it and the one's that don't and try to model ourselves after the group we want to be in... Sort of like sponsorship... Anyway, my 3 minutes are up (LOL). Would like to hear others opinions...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'll admit there are some people who make me CRINGE when they are called on--especially if there are only a few minutes left in the meeting. Every share is long-winded, and yeah, it does strike me that there is a lot of ego involved. One guy in particular shares about one specific incident, in excruciating detail, every time he shares. OTOH, I try to be tolerant and to remember that there might be some newcomer there who hasn't heard this story before, and it might be JUST what he or she needed to hear.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 2,464
Sharing at Meetings
LOL...well, funny you should ask. As I am currently on step 7 and as suggested by my sponser have been writing about what types of self centered fear I have had. It has me being really serious and I came across this on the Internet and it really made me laugh...so here it goes:
Alecs Question: Self Centered Fear of Sharing at Meetings<< i have this fear that people are gonna come up to me to tell me to shut up, or worse still, say it behind my back >>
Which of course makes me wonder how often you've fallen victim to the same thinking towards others in your silence. At least that's usually the case with me.
I always love when people are concerned with how others are going to perceive them at meeting level. Wanna know why?
Here's a typical meeting:
Oh i know the chair person. ****. I'm gunna get called on.
= 30 minutes later =
Damn, are they ever gunna shut up?
I need to know what the topic will be so i can prepare my pearls of wisdom!
Oh damn, i dont wanna be first. :::dontcallonmedontcallonmedontcallonme:::
Oh they were pretty good, but i woulda added...
oh ****... dont make eye contact.
Well THEY were lame!
oh ****.... lean in behind the guy in front of me so I'm 'invisible'.
What a pompous ass!
5 minutes left... oh gawd i dont want the pressure of wrapping things up!
*GASP* How DARE they not call on me!!!
...keep coming back, IT WORKS!!!
(repeat x 20 other people in meeting)
In other words, no one cares Alecs since we're typically too busy thinking about ourselves! When i remember this it all becomes entirely hilarious to me. Then I laugh at myself. THEN i usually end up with a pretty good message that those in the first couple of rows (where people actually listen) can hear.
Alecs Question: Self Centered Fear of Sharing at Meetings<< i have this fear that people are gonna come up to me to tell me to shut up, or worse still, say it behind my back >>
Which of course makes me wonder how often you've fallen victim to the same thinking towards others in your silence. At least that's usually the case with me.
I always love when people are concerned with how others are going to perceive them at meeting level. Wanna know why?
Here's a typical meeting:
Oh i know the chair person. ****. I'm gunna get called on.
= 30 minutes later =
Damn, are they ever gunna shut up?
I need to know what the topic will be so i can prepare my pearls of wisdom!
Oh damn, i dont wanna be first. :::dontcallonmedontcallonmedontcallonme:::
Oh they were pretty good, but i woulda added...
oh ****... dont make eye contact.
Well THEY were lame!
oh ****.... lean in behind the guy in front of me so I'm 'invisible'.
What a pompous ass!
5 minutes left... oh gawd i dont want the pressure of wrapping things up!
*GASP* How DARE they not call on me!!!
...keep coming back, IT WORKS!!!
(repeat x 20 other people in meeting)
In other words, no one cares Alecs since we're typically too busy thinking about ourselves! When i remember this it all becomes entirely hilarious to me. Then I laugh at myself. THEN i usually end up with a pretty good message that those in the first couple of rows (where people actually listen) can hear.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I'm big on the 3-minute drill. IF it's a small table and the ppl at the table are new and/or having problems with one of the steps, I'll go 5-7 ........maaaaaybe 10 minutes tops..... but never over that. If what I've got is SOOOO good, then a 5 minute teaser will have em flocking around me after the meeting....... Funny thing, they don't always seem to "flock" when I think I've got good stuff - 
RW, I was told the same sort thing by my GG-Sponsor, "If you're talking for over 3 minutes, you're saying things to impress ppl..... and that messed up ego is what got you here in the first place, so stop feeding it."
RW, I was told the same sort thing by my GG-Sponsor, "If you're talking for over 3 minutes, you're saying things to impress ppl..... and that messed up ego is what got you here in the first place, so stop feeding it."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
I think we are all prone to rambling at times. Some of the most helpful people I know have gone over the 3 minute mark, but they carry a strong message. They might get a little sidetrack, but they stay focused with their message. They certainly do not carry on in a long-winded fashion. It might take them 5-6 minutes, but usually nothing longer than that.
After you go to enough meetings, you start hearing the same "****" over and over. It does get a bit dull at time, but a few of these "old timers" who may go a little over 3 minutes never cease to amaze me. It is not what they say, but how they say it. Their message is simple enough, but there is often a certain sincerity of their message that strikes home. You can see it in their mannerism and in their eyes.
However, some people do ramble on and on and on and on. We actually have a small gong for this purpose, which occasionally gets used.
After you go to enough meetings, you start hearing the same "****" over and over. It does get a bit dull at time, but a few of these "old timers" who may go a little over 3 minutes never cease to amaze me. It is not what they say, but how they say it. Their message is simple enough, but there is often a certain sincerity of their message that strikes home. You can see it in their mannerism and in their eyes.
However, some people do ramble on and on and on and on. We actually have a small gong for this purpose, which occasionally gets used.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by reggiewayne 
Hey all... I had the pleasure of being at a meeting today where a man picked up his 37th year sobriety token. It was my first time at the meeting but it was obvious the respect that people in that room had for him. There were about 45 people in the meeting and almost every person there made a comment on how much wisdom they had gained from being around him.
The topic of the meeting was "Ego". When it came to his turn, he said something that I've never heard. He said, "I never share for more than 3 minutes at a meeting. Anything I have to say that is longer than 3 minutes is for my ego, not for the betterment of the group".
It got me thinking about the people I really identify as the "winners". And it occurred to me that they never seem to ramble on and on either. On the flip side, the people I don't typically identify with occasionally use meetings as a forum for a speech.
AA is wonderful either way and like many have said, there is no such thing as a bad meeting... but, I think we can look at the difference between the people who really get it and the one's that don't and try to model ourselves after the group we want to be in... Sort of like sponsorship... Anyway, my 3 minutes are up (LOL). Would like to hear others opinions...
The topic of the meeting was "Ego". When it came to his turn, he said something that I've never heard. He said, "I never share for more than 3 minutes at a meeting. Anything I have to say that is longer than 3 minutes is for my ego, not for the betterment of the group".
It got me thinking about the people I really identify as the "winners". And it occurred to me that they never seem to ramble on and on either. On the flip side, the people I don't typically identify with occasionally use meetings as a forum for a speech.
AA is wonderful either way and like many have said, there is no such thing as a bad meeting... but, I think we can look at the difference between the people who really get it and the one's that don't and try to model ourselves after the group we want to be in... Sort of like sponsorship... Anyway, my 3 minutes are up (LOL). Would like to hear others opinions...
Good post reggiewayne.. Bad username though (I'm a Bears fan, 2006 sound familiar?).. I also hate when people don't talk about SOLUTIONS. I know what the problems are I want to know how to fix them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I like shares that are to the point and that have meaning. If a share goes on for a while, yet carries a strong message, fine... but that's a rare thing... I like shares that are relevant to the general topic being discussed... and that they are sharing one's own experience, strength and hope... I try to share myself in a similar fashion... I don't share much... I save it for SR!!! LOL....
But then I must remember that each and every share may, in fact, have something that another needs to hear and that I must not be too judgmental....
Each group answers to a higher authority... a loving God... and as is often the case His plans may be different than my own...
And if I find that I grow tired of discussion meetings, I can always attend a speaker meeting.
But then I must remember that each and every share may, in fact, have something that another needs to hear and that I must not be too judgmental....
Each group answers to a higher authority... a loving God... and as is often the case His plans may be different than my own...
And if I find that I grow tired of discussion meetings, I can always attend a speaker meeting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Philly
Posts: 2
I think the longest I have shared was maybe 3-4 minutes, longer If I'm chairing the meeting.
The last meeting I was at a guy sort of rambled on but there were 3 words that he said that stuck with me for weeks and helped me understand Step 9 a little better. If he didn't ramble I never would have heard those words.
The last meeting I was at a guy sort of rambled on but there were 3 words that he said that stuck with me for weeks and helped me understand Step 9 a little better. If he didn't ramble I never would have heard those words.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Ina, LOL at the "big barfy share."
I'm very new to AA and thus far have been fairly succinct when I share. I have noticed a couple of people who ramble, but I find it all interesting and often worthwhile, maybe because I'm new.
Thanks for bringing this up, I'll keep it in mind not to let my ego guide me going forward!
I'm very new to AA and thus far have been fairly succinct when I share. I have noticed a couple of people who ramble, but I find it all interesting and often worthwhile, maybe because I'm new.
Thanks for bringing this up, I'll keep it in mind not to let my ego guide me going forward!
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
I think theres a difference between an "ego share" and an "I need help, but don't know how to express it efficiently, so I ramble" share. I've experienced both.
Let me also add, that I have heard, and respect, the 3 minute rule, especially at large tables. HOWEVER, I think there is a way to gently move the rambling person along. I've seen one guy, a couple times, be VERY rude when it comes to this.
Let me also add, that I have heard, and respect, the 3 minute rule, especially at large tables. HOWEVER, I think there is a way to gently move the rambling person along. I've seen one guy, a couple times, be VERY rude when it comes to this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 581
"Sobriety — freedom from alcohol — through the teaching and practice of the Twelve Steps, is the sole purpose of an A.A. group."
How often is this principle honored?
There's a prevalent belief that AA is a place to dump your problems, and I think that's when shares become long and painful. Yet somewhere there's a sponsor encouraging their sponsee to "dump it out, or you'll drink over it."
Huh?
Open discussion meetings can become "open destruction" meetings when they are all about everyone's individual drama. I believe this is why some people come to AA and never return-- there is no solution offered in many meetings. And it's the underlying cause as to why we have a single digit success rate.
So, yeah, short, to the point, and about recovery. Not sick hamsters and broken weedwackers.
In my home group, you are not permitted to share unless you've worked the steps out of the Big Book. They will cut you off if you start to talk about your problems, gently, and then approach you afterwards to reach out.
How often is this principle honored?
There's a prevalent belief that AA is a place to dump your problems, and I think that's when shares become long and painful. Yet somewhere there's a sponsor encouraging their sponsee to "dump it out, or you'll drink over it."
Huh?
Open discussion meetings can become "open destruction" meetings when they are all about everyone's individual drama. I believe this is why some people come to AA and never return-- there is no solution offered in many meetings. And it's the underlying cause as to why we have a single digit success rate.
So, yeah, short, to the point, and about recovery. Not sick hamsters and broken weedwackers.
In my home group, you are not permitted to share unless you've worked the steps out of the Big Book. They will cut you off if you start to talk about your problems, gently, and then approach you afterwards to reach out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 507
I agree about the 3 minute rule. Especially in bigger meetings. It's not so much that I mind a ramble (although some will drive a person NUTS!) it's just that when someone rambles, someone else ends up not being able to share because time runs out. I believe everyone should have the opportunity to get their voice heard if they desire to share. It's really depressing for me when this doesn't happen. That last person in the circle might have really needed their 3 minutes...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 114
I went to a meeting on Saturday where the 'long ramble' occurred. Every meeting starts with the instruction, "please keep your comments limited to how it relates to alcohol." That instruction seemed to go flying out the window.
I thought to myself, "now sit here, there may be something you need to hear." And what I ended up hearing was, that's probably not a meeting I will frequent as it is not what helps me most in moving forward in my own recovery. But maybe it's perfect for the other people who were there.
I've been to that particular meeting four times now (I was encouraged to give every meeting a three chance experience, as different people, different topics can change the whole dynamic of one meeting). So I applied this rule to that particular meeting, and I can now say, it is one I am removing from my list, unless I am in a crisis situation and it is the only meeting available to me.
I'm a big fan of limiting comments to three to five minutes. I figure if I need to talk any longer than that, it's something I should probably contact my sponsor about, or ask someone to have coffee with me. YMMV.
I thought to myself, "now sit here, there may be something you need to hear." And what I ended up hearing was, that's probably not a meeting I will frequent as it is not what helps me most in moving forward in my own recovery. But maybe it's perfect for the other people who were there.
I've been to that particular meeting four times now (I was encouraged to give every meeting a three chance experience, as different people, different topics can change the whole dynamic of one meeting). So I applied this rule to that particular meeting, and I can now say, it is one I am removing from my list, unless I am in a crisis situation and it is the only meeting available to me.
I'm a big fan of limiting comments to three to five minutes. I figure if I need to talk any longer than that, it's something I should probably contact my sponsor about, or ask someone to have coffee with me. YMMV.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Great post RW.
I've noticed that the type of meeting I go to, usually determines, not always, but usually determines the "strength" of the message (and the message is delivered by people sharing).
Big book and step study meetings - these usually have a strong message, rooted in the big book or 12 and 12. Most shares involve solution to a specific problem and are usually backed up by our AA lit.
Discussion meetings - these meetings are great b/c they're unpredictable and a much broader scale of AA is discussed, however, these meetings seem to draw on a lot of problem, not much solution, and usually very little is backed up by our AA lit. ...and of course long winded, going nowhere shares are common here. I've also noticed these are the types of meetings that attract the "I got to meetings, but I don't have a sponsor and I don't work the steps" type of AA'ers.
Personally, I keep my sharing very short. I agree that it's best to say what is was like, what I did about it, and what it's like now. Simple, informative, and with a solution.
Plus, I'm still working out my public speaking fears (which I didn't have while drinking).
Kjell
I've noticed that the type of meeting I go to, usually determines, not always, but usually determines the "strength" of the message (and the message is delivered by people sharing).
Big book and step study meetings - these usually have a strong message, rooted in the big book or 12 and 12. Most shares involve solution to a specific problem and are usually backed up by our AA lit.
Discussion meetings - these meetings are great b/c they're unpredictable and a much broader scale of AA is discussed, however, these meetings seem to draw on a lot of problem, not much solution, and usually very little is backed up by our AA lit. ...and of course long winded, going nowhere shares are common here. I've also noticed these are the types of meetings that attract the "I got to meetings, but I don't have a sponsor and I don't work the steps" type of AA'ers.
Personally, I keep my sharing very short. I agree that it's best to say what is was like, what I did about it, and what it's like now. Simple, informative, and with a solution.
Plus, I'm still working out my public speaking fears (which I didn't have while drinking
).Kjell
Ethanol Intolerant
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what we did, and what we are like now.
As opposed to:
Our stories disclose in excruciating detail how the neighbors' cats crapping in your flower beds reminds you of the time your aunt...
Yep just a few minutes.
As opposed to:
Our stories disclose in excruciating detail how the neighbors' cats crapping in your flower beds reminds you of the time your aunt...
Yep just a few minutes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Merritt Island, Fl
Posts: 1,164
The rooms of AA arent exactly the most stable cross section of society, and to expect a room full of drunks to strictly adhere to all the "room etiquette" seems a little too much to hope for. Just sayin...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
