20 Year Old Male- Can I get my life back?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 223
I had to throw away my scale because I was obsessively weighing myself throughout the day. It was one of the best things I could have done in my experience. Speaking with a therapist and nutritionist helped me tremendously. You are so brave to reach out at such a young age. I wish you luck with your struggles. You can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 15
I'm currently under the care of a therapist and have studied (rather obsessively) diet and nutrition for almost 5 years now- everything from the basics (one gram of carbohydrates is 4 calories, one gram of fat is 9, basic definitions, etc.) to the more in depth (nutrient partitioning, insulin and leptin sensitivity, glycogen depletion/repletion) to the really crazy in depth stuff (the ins and outs of the renin angiotensin aldosterone system and it's effect on things like serum glucose/potassium/sodium, effects of dehydration to various percentages on gastric emptying and nutrient absorption during exercise). Combine that with my studies towards getting my bachelor's in nursing and I'm very, very, obsessively interested in EXACTLY what is going on in the body.
I'm kind of a nerd.
So it's kind of silly for me to feel bloated and retentive and KNOW it's because I'm chronically dehydrated, which means diminished intra-venous blood through the kidneys and glomerular nephrons which means that I've got renin and aldosterone and vasopressin and a whole host of other hormones coursing through my veins and if I just took a few hours or days to allow my fluid balance to normalize that I wouldn't be bloated- but I emotionally attach so much stock to the actual NUMBERS on the scale.
For instance, say I stepped on a scale right now and weighed 183 pounds on the nose. That's at the higher end of my "acceptable" range (arbitrary, I know). I'd be pretty uncomfortable with myself, and I certainly wouldn't want to subject the world to my hideous, ugly self. Say I then proceeded to chug a two liter bottle of water, or just over 4 pounds worth of fluid. I would step on the scale and it would read 187.2. That would crush me. I would be overwhelmed by the urge to go soak in a super hot tub, forcing myself to sweat off 4-6 pounds in a very short time. The cycle continues, I feel like crap, blah blah blah.
I think I associate positive moments in my life with the weights I was at when they happened- I know that I was 175.4 the last time a girl told me I was hot, or I was 179.0 the last time I was able to comfortably speak in front of people, etc. So for a girl who once thought I was hot at 177 or 178 to see me at 188? I can't cope with that thought. She'll think I'm hideous, she'll hate me, I'll be the swamp creature, I don't know what. In the mean time, I make myself miserable trying to achieve an ideal, when really all I'm doing is harming my body and making myself feel miserable (especially because I'd probably get a lot faster results by just staying well hydrated and making sensible choices). I'm just worried that I'll never be normal again, that if I stop my weight will spiral out of control and I'll never pee again and every ounce of water I drink will stay with me and every morsel of food and UGH!
You can see how tiring this can get.
Argh. I just want to feel okay.
I'm kind of a nerd.
So it's kind of silly for me to feel bloated and retentive and KNOW it's because I'm chronically dehydrated, which means diminished intra-venous blood through the kidneys and glomerular nephrons which means that I've got renin and aldosterone and vasopressin and a whole host of other hormones coursing through my veins and if I just took a few hours or days to allow my fluid balance to normalize that I wouldn't be bloated- but I emotionally attach so much stock to the actual NUMBERS on the scale.
For instance, say I stepped on a scale right now and weighed 183 pounds on the nose. That's at the higher end of my "acceptable" range (arbitrary, I know). I'd be pretty uncomfortable with myself, and I certainly wouldn't want to subject the world to my hideous, ugly self. Say I then proceeded to chug a two liter bottle of water, or just over 4 pounds worth of fluid. I would step on the scale and it would read 187.2. That would crush me. I would be overwhelmed by the urge to go soak in a super hot tub, forcing myself to sweat off 4-6 pounds in a very short time. The cycle continues, I feel like crap, blah blah blah.
I think I associate positive moments in my life with the weights I was at when they happened- I know that I was 175.4 the last time a girl told me I was hot, or I was 179.0 the last time I was able to comfortably speak in front of people, etc. So for a girl who once thought I was hot at 177 or 178 to see me at 188? I can't cope with that thought. She'll think I'm hideous, she'll hate me, I'll be the swamp creature, I don't know what. In the mean time, I make myself miserable trying to achieve an ideal, when really all I'm doing is harming my body and making myself feel miserable (especially because I'd probably get a lot faster results by just staying well hydrated and making sensible choices). I'm just worried that I'll never be normal again, that if I stop my weight will spiral out of control and I'll never pee again and every ounce of water I drink will stay with me and every morsel of food and UGH!
You can see how tiring this can get.
Argh. I just want to feel okay.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
Mazrof
I have been doing some research for a friend of mine because her daughter is going through the same thing. There are a lot of good treatment centers that deal with eating disorders, specifically and addiction. One she decided to look into was Rosewood in AZ.
Just a suggestion
SH
I have been doing some research for a friend of mine because her daughter is going through the same thing. There are a lot of good treatment centers that deal with eating disorders, specifically and addiction. One she decided to look into was Rosewood in AZ.
Just a suggestion
SH
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome maxrof - so glad you're here! It sounds like you're taking some really good steps to help yourself. It's hard to get rid of those voices in our head that think we need to be perfect in order to be loved.
What I've found in my many (!!) decades of life is that the real secret is to become a loving person, rather than seeking to be loved. I'm still at the mercy of my ego on too many occasions, but when I practice thinking of others it makes a big difference.
Alcohol is such a huge depressant (and also produces anxiety)- just getting rid of that influence on your brain/body will make an enormous difference. All the best - you can do it!
What I've found in my many (!!) decades of life is that the real secret is to become a loving person, rather than seeking to be loved. I'm still at the mercy of my ego on too many occasions, but when I practice thinking of others it makes a big difference.
Alcohol is such a huge depressant (and also produces anxiety)- just getting rid of that influence on your brain/body will make an enormous difference. All the best - you can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 15
Just checking in. Hasn't been the best week, although somehow I've managed to stay relatively sane.
I've been watching an obscene amount of TV trying to distract me from my purgative triggers and behaviors... and while still all not that "healthy", I figure a few seasons of Battlestar Galactica is better than a few packs of laxatives and some Tilt's.
I also registered for classes as a full time student at my local community college (semester starts the 24th) and have contacted admissions counselors at schools that accepted me previously, asking how, if at all, I could possibly gain admission once again. Shockingly, they're all extremely eager to have me if I do well the next semester or two.
If I can just keep my demons at bay (obviously a LOT harder than it sounds!), I have a pretty open avenue to my dreams. I'm just not sure I can overcome this.
I've been watching an obscene amount of TV trying to distract me from my purgative triggers and behaviors... and while still all not that "healthy", I figure a few seasons of Battlestar Galactica is better than a few packs of laxatives and some Tilt's.
I also registered for classes as a full time student at my local community college (semester starts the 24th) and have contacted admissions counselors at schools that accepted me previously, asking how, if at all, I could possibly gain admission once again. Shockingly, they're all extremely eager to have me if I do well the next semester or two.
If I can just keep my demons at bay (obviously a LOT harder than it sounds!), I have a pretty open avenue to my dreams. I'm just not sure I can overcome this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Good to see you back Max - I think whatever the addiction support is vital so keep checking in 
Have you thought of real life recovery groups too?
and...just in case noone ever gave you the link...we have another forum here on eating and food issues you might like to check out as well as Newcomers - it's not as busy as this one, but there's some good reading down there and, of course, great support.
Eating Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Have you thought of real life recovery groups too?
and...just in case noone ever gave you the link...we have another forum here on eating and food issues you might like to check out as well as Newcomers - it's not as busy as this one, but there's some good reading down there and, of course, great support.
Eating Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 38
I, similarly, went straight from anorexia to alcoholism.
If there is one thing I learned, it is that the symptom may change, but the underlying problem remains the same. Whether it is anorexia, alcoholism, OCD, or whatever else, it can only be cured if you adress the underlying problem... otherwise it is just a procession of interchanging disorders, one after the other.
I went through one thing after the other for around 10 years... but managed to *more or less* beat it. It is hard work, and unpleasant at times, but it can be done if you dwell on the underlying cause long enough. Reading psychoanalysis text books also helped me greatly (Lacan/Zizek/etc), but this may not be for everyone.
If there is one thing I learned, it is that the symptom may change, but the underlying problem remains the same. Whether it is anorexia, alcoholism, OCD, or whatever else, it can only be cured if you adress the underlying problem... otherwise it is just a procession of interchanging disorders, one after the other.
I went through one thing after the other for around 10 years... but managed to *more or less* beat it. It is hard work, and unpleasant at times, but it can be done if you dwell on the underlying cause long enough. Reading psychoanalysis text books also helped me greatly (Lacan/Zizek/etc), but this may not be for everyone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
It is true that to feel peace..you have to learn to love yourself. And helping others does a HUGE boost from depression to feeling good about yourself. I want to tell you this..I know there are really good looking people that are @ssholes from hell. What matters is what comes from within. And from the picture you have as your avitar..you look nice. I also went thru a time when I starved myself and got down to 115 lbs..that weight for me is skin and bones..and I still wasn't happy..we really need to find that from within. Glad you are here Mister!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Brit in the Netherlands
Posts: 50
Maxrof, welcome. I am a brit of average height for a brit 6 foot. I moved to the Netherlands 13 years ago. Sometime I feel so small amoungst the Dutch. Very often you will get woman at 6'5". My neighbours love to go to Italy on holiday but she gets looked at all the time (she is probably 6'5"). Scandanavians are also very tall. So what is normal?
About getting your life back. Don't let anyone (including and mainly yourself) tell you you are not good enough to do something or be something you want to be.
About getting your life back. Don't let anyone (including and mainly yourself) tell you you are not good enough to do something or be something you want to be.
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