maxrof

Hey all,

I'll be brief:

I started battling bulimia in 2007 heading into my senior year of high school. All my friends were tiny, athletic soccer players and I was a hulking (6'6") 260 pound behemoth totally miserable about my weight.

I started out smart, but, over time, starved and purged my way down to the 170's.

It's been total hell- at one point, I slugged down 155 bisacodyl pills at once trying to get my bowels moving.

I managed to kick my laxative habit in '09, but replaced it with saunas, steam baths and excessive exercise. I burned my back badly, something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

About a year ago, I started drinking more and more, eventually just getting drunk every night. I became more and more isolated, spending most of my time alone and miserable.

It's day 10 for me of "total sobriety" as I call it, meaning I haven't drank or purged in 10 days. The drinking thing has been easy- I've spent time around people who have been drinking with no issue, and I haven't had any cravings whatsoever. I just don't have any real desire to imbibe, despite slamming 4Loko's, Vodka Red Bulls and deuces of Key Lite for the better part of the past 12 months. I guess I've got my age and health on my side, as my bloodwork came back clean and my gastro said that no permanent damage was done to my digestive tract from the laxative abuse.

The thing that's killing me, though, is the ever present voice that tells me I'm fat, ugly, and worthless non stop. I graduated top of my high school class and got into a number of top universities, and after spending a semester skipping classes and staying locked up in my room, I was forced to return home.

Like I said, I've been isolated, miserable and feeling hopeless for a long time now, especially the past 6 months. I'm seeing a shrink and have started taking Zoloft (although it's only been for the past two weeks, so I'm seeing no real effects yet). I guess this is just my way of introducing myself and writing some of the hard stuff down.

I really hope I can get my life back. I miss having friends, playing sports and going to school. I've got dreams of becoming an NP and being happy again, and I know spending all my time dehydrated and drinking is not the way to go about it.

So, hello everyone!

understated

Welcome! This place is a great place to vent and I have been sober for about 10 days as well. I understand the binge/purge thing as I did it a lot through college to fit in with my sorority and still battle with it every once in a while but it's been about 5 years since I graduated college so it's an ongoing battle!

Make sure you check out the other forums too about problems with eating and food. They are great as well

Dee74

Hi again Max - I replied to your other post on self image, so I won't repeat myself there.

I was over twice your age and I got my life back...so yes...of course you can

It takes time, and effort and commitment - but you're not alone, and you'll always find a lot of support here

D

DrunkenBasement

Glad you're here, Max. You have made an important step by coming here. Congratulations on 10 days. You are so young, but it really isn't about your age. It is worth it to get well at ANY age. Stick around. There are some great people here.

1_day@_a_time

Can I get my life back?

YES

It has been my experience I must be hurting very badly in order to be willing to take the needed steps however.

SO, just how willing are you?

It also has been my experience I MUST have a very specific detailed program of formal recovery TO GET MY LIFE BACK!

There are some who believe they can do it own their own.

That has not been my experience.......and I have watched countless others flounder along doing it "their way".

Why don't you find the book Complusive Overeater by Bill B. TODAY and get started.

The book is written for "all of us" battling addictions, alcohol and disorders of all kinds.

SO, just how willing are you?

Thomas

maxrof

Ohhh trust me- I'm under no illusion that I can do it alone or that it won't be one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

But I've hurt for far too long; I've cried way too much; I've wasted too many days isolated and physically unable to do anything. It's a tough feeling to describe, feeling so broken that you can't even roll over let alone get out of bed... but I know it ALL too well.

You're all too kind Thank you for the nice words and I'm glad to have found this place.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

So glad you found us and that you're doing well. Good for you for deciding to live a sober life.

Toss

Hi Max,

At 20, your barely starting adult life. Even though you have had struggles, it sounds like you are seeking help and guidance, which is a great idea.

I am 45 and finally said enough is enough 3 months ago. To say I envy your age is an understatement. If I could have a redo of 20 to 40, I'd take it.

I hear of so many young people your age having drinking issues (I know you mentioned others issues, but alcohol is my area of disrespect). I wish you all could feel my lost years, take them to heart and get on with living in your twenties, not much later in life.

Best of luck and sending good vibs your way!

Toss

Hevyn

Welcome Max - I'm sorry for all that you've been through. It's a wonder any of us survive high school. Just saying. You have a great attitude as you face this dilemma, and a sense of humor too. I know you can pull yourself out of this and go on and have a wonderful life. Like Dee, I am much older than you - but I began to love & have faith in myself after I came out of the fog I had put myself in by drinking. I thought I was shielding myself from hurt by staying numb - but all I did was create a living hell for myself. You have stopped the alcohol, so be proud of yourself for that accomplishment.
Some people never see what they're doing to themselves.

I hope you'll tell us more about yourself and will find encouragement & hope here. We are on your team and rooting for you.

totfit

One thing for certain, you are young and time is one your side. Though it may be difficult, one of the most positive things I did was force myself to get out and do things. I too had issues with bulimia, but a lot more issues with alcohol. I can identify however with the "image" issues. Exercise (appropriate) and healthy eating keys to my sobriety now, but socialization is also a must. I have come a long way with years of experience good and bad, but initially it is going to take some effort to get out of your comfort zone, get social and get healthy. I know it may not make sense to say "comfort zone" when one is down right miserable, but sometimes as bad as it may get in isolation and as miserable we are, it is comfortable to us. Don't be yourself up about what you have "lost" or having to withdraw temporarily from school. Recovery will only come by taking small steps forward while remaining abstinent. The biggest thing to realize is that you are not the only person to become lost. Most everyone at one point or the other gets lost in their "issues" no matter what they may be. Also, the majority are eventually able to move forward and you can also. You will get your life back, but you have to go find it. It will not find you.

stanleyhouse

Maxrof
First, I would suggest finding a SMART meeting. When I was attending there were many people attending who were dealing with eating disorders. It is like group therapy for people who want to address their issues using CBT methods.
My brother is 6'7 and weighs 350+ pounds. The emotional pain and depression that his height and weight has caused him over the years is too much. I am glad you are getting help for the depression, I'm on meds and they have changed my life. My brother, at 42 has finally grown into his own skin and accepted his size. He says age brings more confidence but for you I want to see results much sooner. It is much more acceptable and financially available for men to ask for help.
Cangratulations on your sobriety and courage.
SH

maxrof

I know that pain all too well- being as tall as I am, I can't help but stand out. No matter how much weight I lose or gain, how I do my hair, how I dress, what kind of shoes I wear or car I drive or people I spend time with, I will ALWAYS be big. That's genetics, and I'm 6'6" whether I starve or start myself on an intravenous drip of liquid Peeps.

I just have hard time walking through malls or looking at females or ****, talking on the phone- I'm worried that no one will ever find me attractive or be so disgusted by me that I'll be an outcast forever and eternity.

I just want to be told I'm handsome and not question the person's motives, not relate that directly to my current weight... actually, that's a lie. I want to not even need that validation. I just want to be comfortable.

Thank you all for you support, I hope to get to know you all much better in the coming weeks.

Oh, and Thomas, I'm not ignoring your PM! I just can't message back until my post count is up. I'll get back to you as soon as I can!

maxrof

In fact, I believe one more does it for me... so, achievement unlocked! Sorry

ste

All good advice above. You're an intelligent youngster who has taken responsibility for his own life. Some people never do, always blaming something or somebody else. Kids can be so cruel, you could have blamed those little soccer players for your self image, but didn't. Thats a great starting point for recovery. I'm sure you know already you can't please all the people all the time.
Shoot, I've been staring at this screen for ten minutes trying to think of something to say that could make a difference, but its simplistic stuff I'm sure you've already heard like:
Love yourself first.
Don't see yourself through other peoples eyes.
God loves you.
I'm 54 and recovering. I like to say "I'm an old man, I don't care what people think about me!" However, I have an ego, and still want people to like me, catch myself doing things solely for other's admiration.
Do the work, you'll be fine.

maxrof

Something about the way this is phrased is incredibly comforting. Thank you.

Something I had no real trouble with was coming to grips with the fact that it's on me- if I want to feel better (and I so desperately do), it's on me to get it done. It's the process that's the difficult part.

Right now I'm sitting here staring at a scale I've stepped on 20+ times today, fighting the urge to step on it again and get greeted with a number that at best will displease me and at worst send me into a tailspin for the next 12 hours. I don't want to purge, I don't want to compulsively exercise and sweat and dehydrate myself, but it's so hard not to. I have to keep fighting and keep trying, though. I'm confident I CAN do this.

least

Welcome to the family. I gave up drinking for good (finally) a year ago and it's been the best year of my life - not counting the difficult early months. But it's worth the effort it took to get and stay sober and I haven't felt this good about myself in years.

You'll find a lot of support here.

ste

Now, something I can relate better to, don't step on that scale. I have dehydrated in a whirlpool, and purged, and exercised, and taken laxatives to make a certain weight. Why, to make weight for a wrestling match. For what? To make my coach happy? To not dissapoint my teamates? To be a star and impress the girls? Of course it had to do with my ego.
You know maxrof, dehydrating only takes off the weight until you drink water. Do yourself this small kindness and drink all the water you want. Besides your scale might be wrong.

maxrof

I know it's all water weight, but I get so bloated after I start drinking water again because my body is chronically dehydrated and I've got aldosterone and vasopressin coursing through my veins (the chemicals your body sends out to retain water in times of drought). I cut many pounds during the course of the day, waking up at 184 or 185 and a bit bloated (due to the previous days dehydration) and then fasting/working down to 179 over the course of the day with exercise/steam baths (the reason I now have this massive red burn that covers most of my back is because of the intense heat) before I can feel "comfortable", even though I'm dying of thirst and so fatigued I can't see straight. Then I get some water in me (so I'm not critically dehydrated for more than a few minutes), and by the time I've gotten a good pint or three of water in me I'm so hungry that I wolf down a bunch of chips or pizza and BAM, all the way back up to 185 and bloated and puffy and hating myself and then the cycle starts all over again.

All because I want to "look good" when in fact, I look like crap because my eyes are sunken in and I'm obviously depressed and I can't get out and see anyone anyway because A) I hate myself and B) I'm too tired.

I'm so hard on myself physically and emotionally... and for WHAT! You're right, I should at least allow myself fluid. I need to throw this scale away. I'm worried people are going to see me a think I've gotten fatter, see me and think I'm ugly, see me and my flaws and be horrified or even give me that "something's not right here..." look.

Ugh.

I hate this.

I'm trying to hydrate myself right now, I'm afraid to step on the scale. I'm retaining water and I know if I just get my fluid balance back in order I'll be regulated and going to the bathroom normally in a matter of hours and if I just put up with it for a few days and don't purge all the fluid out of my body I might even get un-puffy (!!), but it's SO HARD.

Sorry for the rant.

nogard

Welcome to SR good decision to come here

ACT10Npack

I was the same way when I was younger. I was overweight and lost the fat but still have gyno. First thing is first, the scale only shows you how much your whole body weighs and the fat you have. Second, if your trying to loss weight then count calories because it's all calories in and calories out.. Third, you need to be happy with your self before your weight because you will never be happy with that until your happy with yourself.

Life will always bounce back for everyone if they help them self first. It just depend on how long you want to go through life the way you are now. Change is easy but the started process is what is hard to do.