Dating and Early Sobriety?
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Dating and Early Sobriety?
First things first...Happy Mother-Hubbard-ing New Year's Eve SR!
I'm actually finding it to be much easier to be sober and single this evening than I had thought I might. So easy in fact, that I'm convinced a caveman very well could do it. For those of you that aren't aware I broke up with my gf of three years in August. I've gone on a few dates with different girls over the last couple of months but none of them really did much for me and I'm certainly in no rush to get into another serious relationship.
However, recently I started dating this one girl that is AMAZING on more levels than I can describe. Suffice it to say I am extemely attracted to her and the few times we have talked and gotten together felt like I had known her for years. So up until now, I've never had to think about drinking as a factor in a relationship. Come to think of it, I've never had to think about it in any of my previous relationships...the alcohol thought for me.
My question is for those of you that got sober while being single. Did you have any issues or reservations when you started dating someone new with regards to drinking? I'm trying to be proactive about this because at some point, if not with this girl, it will likely come up.
See you next year SR! (ba-dum-bum chtshhh
)
I'm actually finding it to be much easier to be sober and single this evening than I had thought I might. So easy in fact, that I'm convinced a caveman very well could do it. For those of you that aren't aware I broke up with my gf of three years in August. I've gone on a few dates with different girls over the last couple of months but none of them really did much for me and I'm certainly in no rush to get into another serious relationship.
However, recently I started dating this one girl that is AMAZING on more levels than I can describe. Suffice it to say I am extemely attracted to her and the few times we have talked and gotten together felt like I had known her for years. So up until now, I've never had to think about drinking as a factor in a relationship. Come to think of it, I've never had to think about it in any of my previous relationships...the alcohol thought for me.
My question is for those of you that got sober while being single. Did you have any issues or reservations when you started dating someone new with regards to drinking? I'm trying to be proactive about this because at some point, if not with this girl, it will likely come up.
See you next year SR! (ba-dum-bum chtshhh
)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
There's an informal rule about waiting a year - and I can see the sense in that - I was very different at 6 months than I was at 6 weeks or 6 days - recovery to me was about getting to know myself and growth, as much as it was about not drinking anymore.
That being said I met someone about 6 months in...nothing was planned...and we're still together...
I had to be confident tho that I was in a place where I would no longer drink over the usual things a relationship can bring...and I was right...we've had some ups and downs like everyone...but I haven't drunk.
As far as the drinking discussion goes - it was a non event - she's a non drinker too.
best wishes to you Untox
D
That being said I met someone about 6 months in...nothing was planned...and we're still together...
I had to be confident tho that I was in a place where I would no longer drink over the usual things a relationship can bring...and I was right...we've had some ups and downs like everyone...but I haven't drunk.
As far as the drinking discussion goes - it was a non event - she's a non drinker too.
best wishes to you Untox
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I think it depends on the individual but that most people would benefit from waiting awhile. If you think that the relationship wont cause you to drink then proceed slowly and with caution I would say...and remember not to put dating ahead of staying sober.
That said...I would love to meet someone special in 2011...with all the work I've been doing and being sober I feel like I am starting to get to a place where it could be great.
Happy New Year
That said...I would love to meet someone special in 2011...with all the work I've been doing and being sober I feel like I am starting to get to a place where it could be great.
Happy New Year
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
I met and started dating my current girlfriend after I'd been just a little over four months sober. The whole time it was in it's blossoming stages I kept thinking "I'm breaking the rules; I don't have a year." And honestly I was taking a bit of a risk, either way I've been pretty lucky.
The "wait a year" rule gives people a place to start, but in my opinion if all you have is an arbitrary date to decide when you're ready, you're not ready. You have to have a firm and BRUTALLY HONEST appraisal of your sobriety and your motivations for wanting a relationship.
As for the discussion, I told my girlfriend on the first date. I didn't mention gory details, we've been together a little over 8 months and I still don't tell horror stories. Back in October I drank over a weekend. I told her what happened, and explained to her that if I ever went back to steady drinking that either she or I would have to call things off. And that honesty has paid off too, believe me. I feel much more at ease knowing I have nothing to hide.
The "wait a year" rule gives people a place to start, but in my opinion if all you have is an arbitrary date to decide when you're ready, you're not ready. You have to have a firm and BRUTALLY HONEST appraisal of your sobriety and your motivations for wanting a relationship.
As for the discussion, I told my girlfriend on the first date. I didn't mention gory details, we've been together a little over 8 months and I still don't tell horror stories. Back in October I drank over a weekend. I told her what happened, and explained to her that if I ever went back to steady drinking that either she or I would have to call things off. And that honesty has paid off too, believe me. I feel much more at ease knowing I have nothing to hide.
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Join Date: May 2010
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I've dated and been straight up that I don't drink when setting up the first date. "lets go get coffee, I don't drink anymore so I don't like bars". May as well weed out the party girls before anything develops.
A year would maybe work if you are a monk.
A year would maybe work if you are a monk.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Dee74 
That being said I met someone about 6 months in...nothing was planned...and we're still together...
I've heard of that informal rule and was headed down that path. So yeah, I can totally relate to the "nothing was planned" thing. I could also ask her to wait for 9 months...:rotfxko
Have a great one tonight Dee
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by LaFemme
That said...I would love to meet someone special in 2011...with all the work I've been doing and being sober I feel like I am starting to get to a place where it could be great.
Happy New Year to you as well!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 214
Well, as you don't really provide enough details about you, the girl or your own sobriety, I don't know if this will apply.
You don't say how long you have been sober, whether the girl is new in recovery or not an alcoholic, too.
But, from what I have observed and is seems to be often misunderstood by especially young people is the suggestion of 'no new relationships' for one year.
Now, a 'date' to me is not a relationship. But in many cases, knowing alcoholic guys, they think if a girls shows them the time of day, they 'own' it now or something and they tend to 'expect' that 'more' to it. Biggest romanticizers in the world probably.
Some will say or think...'who are they to tell me I am not capable of being in love with someone else at 7 months sober?' Now, here's where the 'confusion' sets in.
I question no ones ability to love or be loved.
What I question is, at 7 months, how much experience does one have at being 'disappointed'? What happens when 7 month sober Johnny hasn't been attending as many meetings, cause Janie's pad has become more comfy in the evenings. And how does Johnny handle it in 7 months if Janie becomes more infatuated with Jimmy down the block and breaks 7 months sober Johnny and he hasn't been going to those meetings as much. Now he may not even feel as comfy to go back to the meetings at all. He just might want to go off and feel sorry for himself to tend to that little old broken heart.
Of course, this scenario can be avoided if one is wise enough not to let the relationship detract from their meetings or recovery. It can be a risk though. Some have risked it and lost, some have gotten through it okay.
Bottom line! It's not questioning anyone's ability to be in a relationship in less than a year. It's questioning how well at that point in their sobriety are they at dealing with disappointment.
On the other side of the coin, if a guy has over a year sober, be fair to the ladies who have less than a year sober and leave them alone...it's not a good idea to take advantage of someone like that. Cause if and when they DO get a year sober, they WILL realize they were taken advantage of and resent it.
You don't say how long you have been sober, whether the girl is new in recovery or not an alcoholic, too.
But, from what I have observed and is seems to be often misunderstood by especially young people is the suggestion of 'no new relationships' for one year.
Now, a 'date' to me is not a relationship. But in many cases, knowing alcoholic guys, they think if a girls shows them the time of day, they 'own' it now or something and they tend to 'expect' that 'more' to it. Biggest romanticizers in the world probably.
Some will say or think...'who are they to tell me I am not capable of being in love with someone else at 7 months sober?' Now, here's where the 'confusion' sets in.
I question no ones ability to love or be loved.
What I question is, at 7 months, how much experience does one have at being 'disappointed'? What happens when 7 month sober Johnny hasn't been attending as many meetings, cause Janie's pad has become more comfy in the evenings. And how does Johnny handle it in 7 months if Janie becomes more infatuated with Jimmy down the block and breaks 7 months sober Johnny and he hasn't been going to those meetings as much. Now he may not even feel as comfy to go back to the meetings at all. He just might want to go off and feel sorry for himself to tend to that little old broken heart.
Of course, this scenario can be avoided if one is wise enough not to let the relationship detract from their meetings or recovery. It can be a risk though. Some have risked it and lost, some have gotten through it okay.
Bottom line! It's not questioning anyone's ability to be in a relationship in less than a year. It's questioning how well at that point in their sobriety are they at dealing with disappointment.
On the other side of the coin, if a guy has over a year sober, be fair to the ladies who have less than a year sober and leave them alone...it's not a good idea to take advantage of someone like that. Cause if and when they DO get a year sober, they WILL realize they were taken advantage of and resent it.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Isaiah
The "wait a year" rule gives people a place to start, but in my opinion if all you have is an arbitrary date to decide when you're ready, you're not ready. You have to have a firm and BRUTALLY HONEST appraisal of your sobriety and your motivations for wanting a relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by Untoxicated
For the record, I didn't ask how long you should wait - just if you had any issues or reservations when you started dating regarding drinking.
Yer single. Oh you lucky bast&$d!
LOL!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
"What happens when 7 month sober Johnny hasn't been attending as many meetings, cause Janie's pad has become more comfy in the evenings. And how does Johnny handle it in 7 months if Janie becomes more infatuated with Jimmy down the block and breaks 7 months sober Johnny and he hasn't been going to those meetings as much."
Then the whole issue becomes had Johnny given it more time he perhaps woulda known that Janie is a hussy saving himself the heartbreak of her sneaking off down the street to be with Jimmy.
That is all I know.
Then the whole issue becomes had Johnny given it more time he perhaps woulda known that Janie is a hussy saving himself the heartbreak of her sneaking off down the street to be with Jimmy.
That is all I know.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 214
Originally Posted by MsCooterBrown
“What other people think of you is none of your business” (Don’t know who said this but it is my all time favorite!)
I was even told it was none of my business what my wife was thinking.
So I went home and the first time she got in my head about what SHE thought I was thinking I told her....
AH AH AH....."They told me it's none of your business what I'm thinking."
I learned it doesn't work that way!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I think it's very important you are straight up honest
about your past drinking
I found not everyone was interested in hooking up
with an alcoholic....sober or not.
I got that on the table quickly ...with mixed results.
I also did what I think of as "AA dating" for 3 years.
No pairing off...we went to places as a group.
That really worked out well ...
about your past drinking
I found not everyone was interested in hooking up
with an alcoholic....sober or not.
I got that on the table quickly ...with mixed results.
I also did what I think of as "AA dating" for 3 years.
No pairing off...we went to places as a group.
That really worked out well ...
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I was seeing someone prior to getting sober.......been with her since.....it's a "healthy" relationship by most common standards but I've changed A LOT over the past years and she, well.....she hasn't and it's starting to be an "issue" for me. We'll see how it goes.
I've been upfront with her though (although she doesn't seem to accept what I tell her) and it's obvious she's more heavily invested in "us" than I am.
I think it depends upon what path you're taking in sobriety and how "lucky" you are in finding someone early on who's able to roll with the punches and will still be attractive to you while (and after) you've doing a lot of changing.
I've been upfront with her though (although she doesn't seem to accept what I tell her) and it's obvious she's more heavily invested in "us" than I am.
I think it depends upon what path you're taking in sobriety and how "lucky" you are in finding someone early on who's able to roll with the punches and will still be attractive to you while (and after) you've doing a lot of changing.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by CarolD
I think it's very important you are straight up honest
about your past drinking
about your past drinking
Maybe it's a morality issue, but I don't think my drinking past is an obligation to my dating present...at least not at the very beginning.
Thanks for your thoughts Carol, I'm always interested in your wisdom.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by DayTrader
I was seeing someone prior to getting sober.......been with her since.....it's a "healthy" relationship by most common standards but I've changed A LOT over the past years and she, well.....she hasn't and it's starting to be an "issue" for me. We'll see how it goes.
I've been upfront with her though (although she doesn't seem to accept what I tell her) and it's obvious she's more heavily invested in "us" than I am.
I think it depends upon what path you're taking in sobriety and how "lucky" you are in finding someone early on who's able to roll with the punches and will still be attractive to you while (and after) you've doing a lot of changing.
I've been upfront with her though (although she doesn't seem to accept what I tell her) and it's obvious she's more heavily invested in "us" than I am.
I think it depends upon what path you're taking in sobriety and how "lucky" you are in finding someone early on who's able to roll with the punches and will still be attractive to you while (and after) you've doing a lot of changing.
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