Dating and Early Sobriety?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 4
Do normal men troll hospitals looking for dates? Regardless of how 'nice' she is would a sane man date a woman who was gravely ill or wait for her to get better? If a woman with time comes around a new man - is she sane? Not likely. If you meet a woman outside the rooms then fine, go for it. New women in the rooms are there to get well, leave them alone.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Phineas010111 
Do normal men troll hospitals looking for dates? Regardless of how 'nice' she is would a sane man date a woman who was gravely ill or wait for her to get better? If a woman with time comes around a new man - is she sane? Not likely. If you meet a woman outside the rooms then fine, go for it. New women in the rooms are there to get well, leave them alone.
By the way, I don't go to meetings nor did I use AA to get sober, but thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
"I'm assuming your question about "normal men" is intended to be rhetorical but it's also philosophical. "Normal" is subjective."
I got this out of dictionary.com so we could clear this up.
normal - 7 dictionary results
–adjective
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.
3. Psychology .
a. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
b. free from any mental disorder; sane.
It appears...I have never known normal as it is defined here.
I got this out of dictionary.com so we could clear this up.
normal - 7 dictionary results
–adjective
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.
3. Psychology .
a. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
b. free from any mental disorder; sane.
It appears...I have never known normal as it is defined here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tampa
Posts: 178
I'm a 47 year old divorced guy. Dated many beautiful women but to tell you the honest to Gods truth, I have never dated a lady who didn't drink.
Dating isn't that important to me. When it's right and meant to be, I think I will sense it. For the last couple of years I've been on more of a sabatical though. Just tired of meeting ladies that I didn't connect with on a higher level than physical. I'm just beyond that now. Can't beleive I am, but that's the truth.
Now that I'm like 4 1/2 months done with alcohol, a ladies drinking IS VERY MUCH going to be a factor for me. Add that to my already picky ways and I'm probably going to live the rest of my years alone. How effing sad is that!!!
Then again, I could be married by the middle of 2011. The Lord works in mysterious ways...
Good luck to the single sober souls seeking love in 2011!!!
Dating isn't that important to me. When it's right and meant to be, I think I will sense it. For the last couple of years I've been on more of a sabatical though. Just tired of meeting ladies that I didn't connect with on a higher level than physical. I'm just beyond that now. Can't beleive I am, but that's the truth.
Now that I'm like 4 1/2 months done with alcohol, a ladies drinking IS VERY MUCH going to be a factor for me. Add that to my already picky ways and I'm probably going to live the rest of my years alone. How effing sad is that!!!
Then again, I could be married by the middle of 2011. The Lord works in mysterious ways...
Good luck to the single sober souls seeking love in 2011!!!
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by MsCooterBrown
"I'm assuming your question about "normal men" is intended to be rhetorical but it's also philosophical. "Normal" is subjective."
I got this out of dictionary.com so we could clear this up.
normal - 7 dictionary results
–adjective
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.
3. Psychology .
a. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
b. free from any mental disorder; sane.
It appears...I have never known normal as it is defined here.
I got this out of dictionary.com so we could clear this up.
normal - 7 dictionary results
–adjective
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.
3. Psychology .
a. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
b. free from any mental disorder; sane.
It appears...I have never known normal as it is defined here.
The fact that, in this particular case, it takes three definitions (with sub definitions) to define it tells me that it isn't clear cut (ie, subjective).
According to the average of traits definition (3a), for example, it would depend on the group or sample (who is included, how many, etc.) of the study. One group's normal may be different from another group's normal.
Another defintion listed is, free from any mental disorder, sane. (3b) Sanity is subjective. For example, the DMV IV is a collection of psychiatrists' best attempts to put different mental disorders in categories based on shared traits. However, the traits are by no means exhaustive or completely comprehensive despite it being the best effort. Does not having a man-made label of a psychological illness make one sane simply because they don't have the symptoms listed? Is it even possible to know with 100% certainty?
Conforming to a standard (1)...well is the act of conforming "normal?" Sometimes conforming goes against the conformists' own morality and only occurs because of fear.
I could go on and on but it's not relevant to the scope of this thread. Thanks for the definition!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
As the non-drinker, non-recovery person in my relationship, I can only say that it depends upon the person you are interested in. It is very challenging to deal with the bf's recovery because recovery is (and should be) selfish.
If the person you are interested in has her own life and good boundaries, then the outcome for success is greater than if she is needy and wanting all of your waking moments.
Level headed great & supportive women out there (ahem!) do exist but it is an exercise in patience on my part to be that person with him. If he/the relationship is worth it, she will be (and should be) understanding of what it is he is going through.
And she needs to be very realistic and knowledgeable about recovery/alcoholism. I stay far away from his recovery program, AA stuff in so far as it gives him the space to do what he has to do. It helps me from thinking that I am somehow 'involved' in it when I know I am not, nor do I want to be.
The key to it working is going SLOW & COMMUNICATION. Develop the friendship as a foundation, tell her when you are having a rough time/day because really the toughest part in having a partner who is in recovery is the emotional roller coaster he is on. The various personalities that pop up are always 'fun' too. But I learned enough about recovery to know that is par for the course and not to take things personally.
I am also realistic about his capacity to give back while in recovery. I'll admit that is the piece which has caused me to question (when I do have those moments) why I am in this. But as he improves, that capacity gets bigger and so I am cautiously optimistic.
If you take anything from this post of a gf of someone who is in recovery, GO SLOW. You'll both be glad you did
If the person you are interested in has her own life and good boundaries, then the outcome for success is greater than if she is needy and wanting all of your waking moments.
Level headed great & supportive women out there (ahem!) do exist but it is an exercise in patience on my part to be that person with him. If he/the relationship is worth it, she will be (and should be) understanding of what it is he is going through.
And she needs to be very realistic and knowledgeable about recovery/alcoholism. I stay far away from his recovery program, AA stuff in so far as it gives him the space to do what he has to do. It helps me from thinking that I am somehow 'involved' in it when I know I am not, nor do I want to be.
The key to it working is going SLOW & COMMUNICATION. Develop the friendship as a foundation, tell her when you are having a rough time/day because really the toughest part in having a partner who is in recovery is the emotional roller coaster he is on. The various personalities that pop up are always 'fun' too. But I learned enough about recovery to know that is par for the course and not to take things personally.
I am also realistic about his capacity to give back while in recovery. I'll admit that is the piece which has caused me to question (when I do have those moments) why I am in this. But as he improves, that capacity gets bigger and so I am cautiously optimistic.
If you take anything from this post of a gf of someone who is in recovery, GO SLOW. You'll both be glad you did
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
For example, the DMV IV is a collection of psychiatrists'...
It's the DSM IV not the DMV IV, but I think it may have been a Freudian slip (DMV = Department of Motor Vehicles).
...that was a terrible joke and I apologize.
Eating protein and life.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Just. Plain. Grateful.
Posts: 503
Originally Posted by Babyblue
As the non-drinker, non-recovery person in my relationship, I can only say that it depends upon the person you are interested in. It is very challenging to deal with the bf's recovery because recovery is (and should be) selfish.
If the person you are interested in has her own life and good boundaries, then the outcome for success is greater than if she is needy and wanting all of your waking moments.
Level headed great & supportive women out there (ahem!) do exist but it is an exercise in patience on my part to be that person with him. If he/the relationship is worth it, she will be (and should be) understanding of what it is he is going through.
And she needs to be very realistic and knowledgeable about recovery/alcoholism. I stay far away from his recovery program, AA stuff in so far as it gives him the space to do what he has to do. It helps me from thinking that I am somehow 'involved' in it when I know I am not, nor do I want to be.
The key to it working is going SLOW & COMMUNICATION. Develop the friendship as a foundation, tell her when you are having a rough time/day because really the toughest part in having a partner who is in recovery is the emotional roller coaster he is on. The various personalities that pop up are always 'fun' too. But I learned enough about recovery to know that is par for the course and not to take things personally.
I am also realistic about his capacity to give back while in recovery. I'll admit that is the piece which has caused me to question (when I do have those moments) why I am in this. But as he improves, that capacity gets bigger and so I am cautiously optimistic.
If you take anything from this post of a gf of someone who is in recovery, GO SLOW. You'll both be glad you did
If the person you are interested in has her own life and good boundaries, then the outcome for success is greater than if she is needy and wanting all of your waking moments.
Level headed great & supportive women out there (ahem!) do exist but it is an exercise in patience on my part to be that person with him. If he/the relationship is worth it, she will be (and should be) understanding of what it is he is going through.
And she needs to be very realistic and knowledgeable about recovery/alcoholism. I stay far away from his recovery program, AA stuff in so far as it gives him the space to do what he has to do. It helps me from thinking that I am somehow 'involved' in it when I know I am not, nor do I want to be.
The key to it working is going SLOW & COMMUNICATION. Develop the friendship as a foundation, tell her when you are having a rough time/day because really the toughest part in having a partner who is in recovery is the emotional roller coaster he is on. The various personalities that pop up are always 'fun' too. But I learned enough about recovery to know that is par for the course and not to take things personally.
I am also realistic about his capacity to give back while in recovery. I'll admit that is the piece which has caused me to question (when I do have those moments) why I am in this. But as he improves, that capacity gets bigger and so I am cautiously optimistic.
If you take anything from this post of a gf of someone who is in recovery, GO SLOW. You'll both be glad you did
Fortunately, I'm a "take it slow" kinda guy and always have been with relationships so I've got that going for me (which-ish-nysh).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Not sure I know that many "normal" people
Everyone has some baggage...ours just comes in a bottle...as a woman I would want to know before I got intimate with a man. Otherwise it would feel like a betrayal ...like you withheld it so you could get some because you didn't trust her to handle the information.
That's just my perspective
Everyone has some baggage...ours just comes in a bottle...as a woman I would want to know before I got intimate with a man. Otherwise it would feel like a betrayal ...like you withheld it so you could get some because you didn't trust her to handle the information.
That's just my perspective
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
I know that I'm in no place to date. I want a real relationship and the men I have been spending time with I've done so because A) I can drink around them B) They drink as well C) Convenience.
Clearly my mind is too screwed up to think/pick logically at this time.
Clearly my mind is too screwed up to think/pick logically at this time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
