It's An Inside Job Today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South Florida
Posts: 54
It's An Inside Job Today
"I will not lose my faith, it's an inside job today."
I am new to this website but not new to recovery. I entered the rooms of alcoholics anonymous on October 13, 2008 and I am still struggling with my sobriety today.
I live in South Florida and I am from New Jersey. I am 29 and moved down here in August of 2007. Up north I had always been a daily drinker / smoker (pot) and even attended some NA meetings for my smoking problem. At the time I was spending more on pot than I was paying in rent each month and I didn't drink nearly as much as I smoked.
When I moved to Florida prescription drugs came into the picture. I 2007 I lost my best friend and in 2008 I lost my father. I have also been through a lot of tragic loss in the past just to give you an idea of where I am coming from. When I was working at my first job down here I would go out with employees after work and have a few drinks almost daily. Eventually I noticed xanax being passed around and I took one at one point and it was a new high and experience for me. I really enjoyed it as well because the xanax really numbed me out to what I was dealing with.
I developed a xanax addiction and was taking roughly 20mg to 30mg daily. I went to brief treatment but I still struggle with xanax and smoking today. I can turn down a drink very easily and have no interest in drinking. I really do not know why I am so afraid of complete sobriety.
I will stay away from taking pills for brief periods of time. 60 to 90 days, but then I relapse. In September I became the father of Twins and I was approaching 7 months of not having a drink or taking any xanax. I was still smoking though but not having a drink or taking a pill in 7 months was a huge milestone for me.
With the birth of my twins being one of the happiest days of my life, why when things are going so well in my life, do I relapse. I relapsed less than 1 week after my kids were born.
I know I have not been going to nearly enough meetings so I am trying online forums now as well since getting to a meeting is harder now with twins.
I just need some direction and a sponsor who understands both alcoholism and drug addiction. I've spent all of my time in AA but I am wondering if NA is the direction I need to move.
Thank you for taking the time to get through my scrambled story. It is a lot more detailed but I feel better having gotten this off my chest. I don't share enough.
-KJ
I am new to this website but not new to recovery. I entered the rooms of alcoholics anonymous on October 13, 2008 and I am still struggling with my sobriety today.
I live in South Florida and I am from New Jersey. I am 29 and moved down here in August of 2007. Up north I had always been a daily drinker / smoker (pot) and even attended some NA meetings for my smoking problem. At the time I was spending more on pot than I was paying in rent each month and I didn't drink nearly as much as I smoked.
When I moved to Florida prescription drugs came into the picture. I 2007 I lost my best friend and in 2008 I lost my father. I have also been through a lot of tragic loss in the past just to give you an idea of where I am coming from. When I was working at my first job down here I would go out with employees after work and have a few drinks almost daily. Eventually I noticed xanax being passed around and I took one at one point and it was a new high and experience for me. I really enjoyed it as well because the xanax really numbed me out to what I was dealing with.
I developed a xanax addiction and was taking roughly 20mg to 30mg daily. I went to brief treatment but I still struggle with xanax and smoking today. I can turn down a drink very easily and have no interest in drinking. I really do not know why I am so afraid of complete sobriety.
I will stay away from taking pills for brief periods of time. 60 to 90 days, but then I relapse. In September I became the father of Twins and I was approaching 7 months of not having a drink or taking any xanax. I was still smoking though but not having a drink or taking a pill in 7 months was a huge milestone for me.
With the birth of my twins being one of the happiest days of my life, why when things are going so well in my life, do I relapse. I relapsed less than 1 week after my kids were born.
I know I have not been going to nearly enough meetings so I am trying online forums now as well since getting to a meeting is harder now with twins.
I just need some direction and a sponsor who understands both alcoholism and drug addiction. I've spent all of my time in AA but I am wondering if NA is the direction I need to move.
Thank you for taking the time to get through my scrambled story. It is a lot more detailed but I feel better having gotten this off my chest. I don't share enough.
-KJ
You'll find a lot of support here.31/10/10
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 241
Bars - welcome and thanks for sharing.I'm still in my first 30 days.
Plenty of the people in my AA group did other drugs in the past - and sure would be expert sponsors. But you might want to check out an NA meeting, too.
All the best - V
Plenty of the people in my AA group did other drugs in the past - and sure would be expert sponsors. But you might want to check out an NA meeting, too.
All the best - V
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Hi KJ -
Welcome. Addiction (as you know) is really difficult to overcome, especially without a program of recovery. Relapse is just you learning something that doesn't work. So, I always ask myself "Ok, so what led up to the relapse? What was I thinking and telling myself in the weeks, days up to that point?"
The birth of a child (let alone two) is a happy, yet stressful time. Lots of new pressures instantly come on you. It is not unsurprising that a relapse happened, but many people are able to handle even larger stresses without drinking/drugging ... so what do they do? This is what you can ask your sponsor.
What can you do differently? Keep posting, go to AA/NA, help others, etc.
You can do this!
Welcome. Addiction (as you know) is really difficult to overcome, especially without a program of recovery. Relapse is just you learning something that doesn't work. So, I always ask myself "Ok, so what led up to the relapse? What was I thinking and telling myself in the weeks, days up to that point?"
The birth of a child (let alone two) is a happy, yet stressful time. Lots of new pressures instantly come on you. It is not unsurprising that a relapse happened, but many people are able to handle even larger stresses without drinking/drugging ... so what do they do? This is what you can ask your sponsor.
What can you do differently? Keep posting, go to AA/NA, help others, etc.
You can do this!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi KJ
this leapt out at me
That was me. I'd dally with giving up drinking, but still keep smoking weed, or whatever - or vice versa. I spent over 20 years never being far from being wasted.
For me, I was scared of living without my retinue of crutches. I was scared of what or who I might have to be, and what I might have to lose, when I got completely sober.
The good news is - I really like the guy I became (who really was there all the time, just buried) and the things I 'lost' were hollow empty things I don't miss. I had a very looooong adolescence but I found I liked being a grown up even more
I really believe the drugs or alcohol were not the problem - they were really the symptom - I was the problem.
I spent years trying to 'fill the void' within me - I stopped trying to fill the void with drugs and alcohol and started focusing on the void itself.
I've worked hard on my life and myself, but the last 4 years of my life have been the best. I'm the closest I've ever been to being who I want to be.
You deserve a shot at being who you really want to be too, I think, KJ.
Welcome aboard!
D
this leapt out at me
I really do not know why I am so afraid of complete sobriety.
For me, I was scared of living without my retinue of crutches. I was scared of what or who I might have to be, and what I might have to lose, when I got completely sober.
The good news is - I really like the guy I became (who really was there all the time, just buried) and the things I 'lost' were hollow empty things I don't miss. I had a very looooong adolescence but I found I liked being a grown up even more
I really believe the drugs or alcohol were not the problem - they were really the symptom - I was the problem.
I spent years trying to 'fill the void' within me - I stopped trying to fill the void with drugs and alcohol and started focusing on the void itself.
I've worked hard on my life and myself, but the last 4 years of my life have been the best. I'm the closest I've ever been to being who I want to be.
You deserve a shot at being who you really want to be too, I think, KJ.
Welcome aboard!
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South Florida
Posts: 54
i just wanted to thank everyone for the positive responses. i know i can get a handle on this, i just really have to get to work and surround myself with the right people/places and things.
i used to run ALL the time and kept in very good shape so I am going to start working this into my weekly routine. gym/running is a good couple of hours that take away from my idle time at night.
when i think about why i relapse it generally always leads back to not going to enough meetings or working the program at all.
if i've been attending AA for 2 years now, should i put my focus into NA? I have gotten mixed opinions about this.
i used to run ALL the time and kept in very good shape so I am going to start working this into my weekly routine. gym/running is a good couple of hours that take away from my idle time at night.
when i think about why i relapse it generally always leads back to not going to enough meetings or working the program at all.
if i've been attending AA for 2 years now, should i put my focus into NA? I have gotten mixed opinions about this.
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