imatryinhard

Just got home from my first AA meeting (in 3 years) only went twice in my life prior to tonight. I met a lovely sponsor. We had coffee for 2 hours before the AA meeting. I was doing good. Then I got to the meeting, a Big Book meeting. I sat hunched over sobbing for the entire hour. As others read through one of the chapters about men getting fired and jumping off a building – I sobbed (not trivializing it, I was just in a state of shock). Why did I sob – because I was furious. 110% I blame MYSELF for being a drunk but I also couldn’t help being IRRATE with my abusers. PLEASE AA folks don’t be upset with me for saying this, but all I could think of was: This is my life. I was severely abused for the first half of my life now I am left cleaning up the pieces FOREVER from cruelty done by others . I am bitter right now. Drinking has destroyed my life for the past 10 years but others wrecked the years prior to that. Now I, ME, MYSELF have to go every day to meetings and struggle with living a life I did not intend. These meetings don’t seem pleasant or hopeful. I am so livid. I wish I could tell you how happy I am about going. But I am not. Does it mean I am not going back? NO. I am going tomorrow. But the tears I shed tonight were not tears of relief, they were tears of anger. I understand we all have to “make the best of the card we’ve been dealt” and everyone “has their cross to bear” so I WILL buck-up and do what has to be done – but I do it pissed off. I know time will resolve me give me peace and solace… so I will be patient.

Anna

I also felt a lot of anger and even rage at my parents for the abuse that I suffered. I was angry that no one had stepped in to help me. My anger consumed me and I knew I had to do something about it. I had to learn to forgive and I had to learn that forgiving my parents and others would help me. It's been very hard and it's not a one-time thing, at least not for me. The thing is, if you carry around the anger you have right now, then the people who hurt you are still controlling you. You need to let go of those feelings so you can re-claim your life.

And remember that we are on this journey in this lifetime because it is what we need, not necessarily what we want.

CarolD

I think all of us have to give ourselves a break
in early sobriety. Anger is not unusual nor are tears.

I think a Beginners Meeting would give you hope and support
please ask around for one near you.

All my best as you move forward....

imatryinhard

thanks Anna! Rage was the word that describes how i felt. I AM GOING BACK!!! I want to. I need to. I didnt expect to feel Rage tonite. It was out of left field. I thought Id feel relief not unalterated anger. I agree, I need to move past that - and I will.

imatryinhard

There are begginers AA? I think that would be very helpful. I will look them up tonite.

DayTrader

Thanks IM..... thanks for the post.

I had a rough childhood myself. No sexual abuse but plenty of just about every other sort available. For whatever reason, I never blamed my alcoholism on my past - many do though. I kinda looked at is as maybe some extra fuel on the fire but I felt responsible for my position when I hit AA for the first times.

It's taken a fair amount of therapy and a LOT of work in AA to even really talk about a lot of it openly (which I can do now). From where I sit now though, I can see that those folks were actually just doing the best they could with the few life-tools they had available to them. Slowly, over time (less than the a year - but I don't recall specific time frames) I started to be able to truly forgive them in my heart.....another while later, I started to be able to forgive myself for what I'd done to myself, my life and those around me. It was a very freeing experience and one that I probably never would have had had I NOT been in AA..... So, in a sense, AA led me to recovering in areas of my life I might not have looked at had it NOT been from my time spent in recovery from alcoholism.

Stick with it..... I think you'll be surprised at how quickly your head can turn around.

Dee74

I agree with Carol and Anna - anger is a common emotion in early recovery - I think a lot of us had bad things happen in our lives. A lot of that can get uncovered when we stop drinking.

I think it's very important tho to learn to process that anger and to ultimately let it go, and learn to forgive, grow, and move on.

It's an ongoing process tho, and I think reaching out and attending something like AA is great start imatryinghard

D

Boleo

That WAS your life and you don't need to STRUGGLE every day. If you just abstain from drinking, you end up with an "end of drinking" program. If you pass through the entire process of recovery, it becomes a "end of suffering" program. If you use RECOVERY the way it was meant to be used - 2 things WILL HAPPEN;

1. You will not see yourself as a victim, but rather, you will see that calamity can be turned into opportunity to learn to grow emotionally.

2. The struggle is only in the learning phase of RECOVERY. Freedom from struggle is the long-term goal of recovery.

WatchTheSky

You're healing. It's all part of the process. No need to be happy and hopeful all the time! Facing your past is courageous. It's a sign that you're beginning to heal. You're right, it isn't fair that because of the terrible actions of others, you must spend years repairing the damage. Good for you for being determined to go back! I wish I could go to a beginner's meeting for my first, but there are none in my area. I'm terrified to go and I commend you for facing your fears and your past. Personally I was not abused until I was 18, but I get angry at my mental illness often and how it has shaped my life and constantly leaves what's left of me to pick up the pieces. Your anger makes sense to me!

imatryinhard

Thank you!

imatryinhard

I believe you. And I am determined to go through it. Thank you. I LOVE THAT puppy icon of yours. Someday I am going to get a dog.

artsoul

I'm sure it's hard to feel those feelings right now. It will take some time just to get used to being sober, so try not to overwhelm yourself.

A book I read years ago talked about how anger can be used to propel us into something positive. You should be proud that you're going to AA and that you've survived all the abuse of your past. One of my very best friends had that kind of life and became an alcoholic, too. She's been sober now for almost 20 years - she's amazing.

Counseling is something to consider if your feelings are overpowering. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

imatryinhard

Thank you! My name is Aimee, by the way!

imatryinhard

I am determined. I can still make the next 28 years better - I can still have a happy ending. I truly love this website. It will be refered to.

johndelko408

The beginners meetings tend to be called "newcomer" meetings. I had done some myself in early recovery. They helped me because I met some people going through the same struggle I was trying to beat, alcoholism. Another way they helped was it gives you peers to help you through it, its easier when your not doing it on your own. You can find someone in the same position as you and you can support each other. There are also gender specific meetings. You may feel a little more comfortable opening up and sharing your story in front of only women. I like going to the open meetings, men's meetings and young peoples AA meetings all for different reasons. The old timers in the open and men's meetings give me hope and inspiration that I can make it. In the young peoples meetings I can meet peers and friends more my age that are in recovery. I had to drop some of my old friends some of which I grew up with. It's good that you are going to meetings, keep going. You don't want toeave before the miracle happens.

imatryinhard

Thank you. If you can recall the name of the book Id love to read it.

artsoul

I have tons of books and can't remember which one talked about this, but I know there are books out there dealing specifically with anger. One is called "Honor Your Anger" (I think it's by Beverly Engel). If you Google "using anger for positive action" or something like that, you'll probably find lots more, too.

Kadybug

Hi Aimee -
YAY!!! You went!!! Score one for the Home Team! And you actually felt emotion ... although it wasn't the one (or ones) you expected ... another small victory! Others are exactly right when they say it isn't uncommon or weird or otherwise unknown to experience things like anger and rage, especially early on. But you're ahead of the curve, so to speak, to be realizing it so early - so accept that as a gift.

Besides, just knowing that there are others out there that really understand, helped me a LOT. It was such a relief knowing that I was not "terminally unique".

imatryinhard

I love the Terminally Unique. That feeling began at 6. I cant wait to start the steps tho. Thank you

LawMama

I heard quoted before, "the good news about being sober is you get to feel your emotions again. The bad news is you get to feel your emotions again." I think it is normal to feel anger, sadness, fear, and everything else at the beginning. And for what it's worth it is also normal to cry at your first meeting! I know I did for the first few!

It is AWESOME that you went, that you are going back, and that you are sober today!