Reporting on first AA meeting -
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by LawMama 
I heard quoted before, "the good news about being sober is you get to feel your emotions again. The bad news is you get to feel your emotions again." I think it is normal to feel anger, sadness, fear, and everything else at the beginning. And for what it's worth it is also normal to cry at your first meeting! I know I did for the first few!
It is AWESOME that you went, that you are going back, and that you are sober today!
It is AWESOME that you went, that you are going back, and that you are sober today!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Aurora, IL
Posts: 103
It is so difficult to feel these feelings. We used drugs and alcohol to cope, and after awhile they almost become blocked out. I am 42 days sober and am only just now realizing that I actually had a pretty bad childhood. My father was almost completely emotionally unavailable. He was present physically, but struggles to even tell anyone that he loves them (I can count the number of times on my hand he has told me he loves me without me prompting him). My mother was very very emotionally abusive, threatened abandonment and was physically abusive occasionally (spanked way too much, hit and kicked me a few times). I was convinced that my mom loved me as her child, but hated me as a person. I thought she was going to send me to live somewhere else as she often stated. I was told I "was difficult" and could not be handled. I was told I was "different" and "challenged" due to my learning disabilities. I never really knew what mom I was going to get, the loving one or the screaming angry one.
My mother and father both had very bad childhoods themselves. Most of their behavior was not intentional. Its still very hard to deal with this sober. I am thankful that I am now in a program while this is coming out. I was a very shamed child and adult, but it was not my fault.
The crazy thing was, I was idealizing my childhood when I was using. I seriously completely forgot about all the negative stuff that had happened. I remember new things everyday, but honestly I have blocked out much of my childhood. I often got angry at anyone who criticized my parents. It was mindbreaking to realize that I was an abused child.
It gets better though. I honestly feel like I have been given my life back. I can finally look people in the eyes!! That is something I never did (I am 27 and have been using for a decade plus) before, ever in my life. I am working these problems out. I am meeting new friends and reconnecting with the true ones. Things are better with my family. I love my parents and am grateful for them raising me. They gave me so much and are helping me now. We are learning to forgive each other. I go to at least AA or NA meeting a day, often I go to too.
Best of luck too you, if you are not in some kind of therapy then I suggest you get in some if you can. AA is there to help, but certain issues you may not feel comfortable talking about.
My mother and father both had very bad childhoods themselves. Most of their behavior was not intentional. Its still very hard to deal with this sober. I am thankful that I am now in a program while this is coming out. I was a very shamed child and adult, but it was not my fault.
The crazy thing was, I was idealizing my childhood when I was using. I seriously completely forgot about all the negative stuff that had happened. I remember new things everyday, but honestly I have blocked out much of my childhood. I often got angry at anyone who criticized my parents. It was mindbreaking to realize that I was an abused child.
It gets better though. I honestly feel like I have been given my life back. I can finally look people in the eyes!! That is something I never did (I am 27 and have been using for a decade plus) before, ever in my life. I am working these problems out. I am meeting new friends and reconnecting with the true ones. Things are better with my family. I love my parents and am grateful for them raising me. They gave me so much and are helping me now. We are learning to forgive each other. I go to at least AA or NA meeting a day, often I go to too.
Best of luck too you, if you are not in some kind of therapy then I suggest you get in some if you can. AA is there to help, but certain issues you may not feel comfortable talking about.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by SJTChiSox
It is so difficult to feel these feelings. We used drugs and alcohol to cope, and after awhile they almost become blocked out. I am 42 days sober and am only just now realizing that I actually had a pretty bad childhood. My father was almost completely emotionally unavailable. He was present physically, but struggles to even tell anyone that he loves them (I can count the number of times on my hand he has told me he loves me without me prompting him). My mother was very very emotionally abusive, threatened abandonment and was physically abusive occasionally (spanked way too much, hit and kicked me a few times). I was convinced that my mom loved me as her child, but hated me as a person. I thought she was going to send me to live somewhere else as she often stated. I was told I "was difficult" and could not be handled. I was told I was "different" and "challenged" due to my learning disabilities. I never really knew what mom I was going to get, the loving one or the screaming angry one.
My mother and father both had very bad childhoods themselves. Most of their behavior was not intentional. Its still very hard to deal with this sober. I am thankful that I am now in a program while this is coming out. I was a very shamed child and adult, but it was not my fault.
The crazy thing was, I was idealizing my childhood when I was using. I seriously completely forgot about all the negative stuff that had happened. I remember new things everyday, but honestly I have blocked out much of my childhood. I often got angry at anyone who criticized my parents. It was mindbreaking to realize that I was an abused child.
It gets better though. I honestly feel like I have been given my life back. I can finally look people in the eyes!! That is something I never did (I am 27 and have been using for a decade plus) before, ever in my life. I am working these problems out. I am meeting new friends and reconnecting with the true ones. Things are better with my family. I love my parents and am grateful for them raising me. They gave me so much and are helping me now. We are learning to forgive each other. I go to at least AA or NA meeting a day, often I go to too.
Best of luck too you, if you are not in some kind of therapy then I suggest you get in some if you can. AA is there to help, but certain issues you may not feel comfortable talking about.
My mother and father both had very bad childhoods themselves. Most of their behavior was not intentional. Its still very hard to deal with this sober. I am thankful that I am now in a program while this is coming out. I was a very shamed child and adult, but it was not my fault.
The crazy thing was, I was idealizing my childhood when I was using. I seriously completely forgot about all the negative stuff that had happened. I remember new things everyday, but honestly I have blocked out much of my childhood. I often got angry at anyone who criticized my parents. It was mindbreaking to realize that I was an abused child.
It gets better though. I honestly feel like I have been given my life back. I can finally look people in the eyes!! That is something I never did (I am 27 and have been using for a decade plus) before, ever in my life. I am working these problems out. I am meeting new friends and reconnecting with the true ones. Things are better with my family. I love my parents and am grateful for them raising me. They gave me so much and are helping me now. We are learning to forgive each other. I go to at least AA or NA meeting a day, often I go to too.
Best of luck too you, if you are not in some kind of therapy then I suggest you get in some if you can. AA is there to help, but certain issues you may not feel comfortable talking about.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Venus, Space
Posts: 757
Hi imatryinhard, I'm very happy to hear you went to a meeting and are going to give AA another shot. I think that's great.
Lots of really great advice has been posted already, the only thing I have to add from my personal experience with regard to AA (and maybe this could be applicable to any recovery group, I've only ever tried AA) is that, for me, I have to keep in mind that I want to seek out the similarities & good in others. My alcoholism, I don't want to speak for others, will try (very wickedly I might add) to seek out any reason for me 'not' to get better and if I let that happen I can quickly find a lot of things I don't like or that hurt my ego (mine is extremely effin fragile I've been learning) at AA meetings. So for me, I have to make an extra effort, at times, to seek similarities in and with others, when I do that I find that it helps unlock a healing power my alcoholism wants blocked out. Anyway, just thought I toss that out there in case you're like me.
Again, I'm happy to see you made it here and to an AA meeting - both are things to be grateful for!
Lots of really great advice has been posted already, the only thing I have to add from my personal experience with regard to AA (and maybe this could be applicable to any recovery group, I've only ever tried AA) is that, for me, I have to keep in mind that I want to seek out the similarities & good in others. My alcoholism, I don't want to speak for others, will try (very wickedly I might add) to seek out any reason for me 'not' to get better and if I let that happen I can quickly find a lot of things I don't like or that hurt my ego (mine is extremely effin fragile I've been learning) at AA meetings. So for me, I have to make an extra effort, at times, to seek similarities in and with others, when I do that I find that it helps unlock a healing power my alcoholism wants blocked out. Anyway, just thought I toss that out there in case you're like me.
Again, I'm happy to see you made it here and to an AA meeting - both are things to be grateful for!
not little, a stranger no more
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Hi imtryinghard,
There have been many great posts in this thread, and many things have already been said, but somehow this touched me on a personal level; I know these feelings all too well.
As a child, I was bullied,emotionally, physically and later sexually abused by older kids at school. For several years this went on and the sexual abuse probaby wouldn't have taken place if someone had stepped in. None of the teachers or other adults around stepped in and helped me to get out of this situation. Including my parents. My mother was a kindergarten teacher at in the same small village and she dind't want to jeopardize her good reputation by removing me from this school.
I was feeling so much rage and anger, thinking: everyone abandoned me, because no one protected me when I couldn't myself, now I'm gonna have to deal with being damaged and f***ed up for the rest of my life.
When I quit drinking I was 28 and had been a pretty hardcore binge drinker for the past 10 years. It was only when I got sober that I allowed these feeling to finally surface and deal with them. It is to a certain extent natural and ok to feel angry, and maybe for a while it's even a healthy thing to acknowledge the anger and give it some room, for now. I didn't use AA, but did secular meetings, cognitive behavioral therapy and am still seeing a therapist. Some issues I discussed in group, but for some, I tend to think that a more specialised setting is better.
Because you can heal and feel better. It is some hard work, and it takes time, but it definetly gets better.
It took me a lot of time until I could speak as openly about what happened to me, and although I feel ok talking about it, I've also learned that it doesn't solely define who I am. I still have some pretty bad days, but I know how to get through them better now. In sobriety I made a lot of new and positive experiences as well, and I started to construct a new sende of self around these things. I don't need to numb myself anymore and the negative feelings don't last as long anymore. I think you already took the first steps of not being a victim anymore by starting to take care of your problem.
In order to take some positive measures and give yourself a chance at it, it's really important to stay sober. Use every tool and every support you can find, be it AA, be it seeing a therapist, be it looking into abuse support groups, online or irl.
You can do this and you can feel better. It is possible to move forward and and this doesn't need to control your life. All the best to you, peace and hugs,
LS
There have been many great posts in this thread, and many things have already been said, but somehow this touched me on a personal level; I know these feelings all too well.
As a child, I was bullied,emotionally, physically and later sexually abused by older kids at school. For several years this went on and the sexual abuse probaby wouldn't have taken place if someone had stepped in. None of the teachers or other adults around stepped in and helped me to get out of this situation. Including my parents. My mother was a kindergarten teacher at in the same small village and she dind't want to jeopardize her good reputation by removing me from this school.
I was feeling so much rage and anger, thinking: everyone abandoned me, because no one protected me when I couldn't myself, now I'm gonna have to deal with being damaged and f***ed up for the rest of my life.
When I quit drinking I was 28 and had been a pretty hardcore binge drinker for the past 10 years. It was only when I got sober that I allowed these feeling to finally surface and deal with them. It is to a certain extent natural and ok to feel angry, and maybe for a while it's even a healthy thing to acknowledge the anger and give it some room, for now. I didn't use AA, but did secular meetings, cognitive behavioral therapy and am still seeing a therapist. Some issues I discussed in group, but for some, I tend to think that a more specialised setting is better.
Because you can heal and feel better. It is some hard work, and it takes time, but it definetly gets better.
It took me a lot of time until I could speak as openly about what happened to me, and although I feel ok talking about it, I've also learned that it doesn't solely define who I am. I still have some pretty bad days, but I know how to get through them better now. In sobriety I made a lot of new and positive experiences as well, and I started to construct a new sende of self around these things. I don't need to numb myself anymore and the negative feelings don't last as long anymore. I think you already took the first steps of not being a victim anymore by starting to take care of your problem.
In order to take some positive measures and give yourself a chance at it, it's really important to stay sober. Use every tool and every support you can find, be it AA, be it seeing a therapist, be it looking into abuse support groups, online or irl.
You can do this and you can feel better. It is possible to move forward and and this doesn't need to control your life. All the best to you, peace and hugs,
LS
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I so agree about the good and bad thing about getting sober is getting your feelings back. That is both good and bad. It's hard to deal with all the feelings that booze was drowning out. I highly recommend counseling, perhaps with an addiction counselor. I've been seeing mine for three years now and she helps me in so many ways, not just with my sobriety.
I'm glad you went and glad you're going back. Healing can be a painful process but in the end you'll be a better healthier person.
And you can come here to vent or scream or cry if it helps you release some of your pent up feelings. Someone is always 'home' here at SR. Our door is always open.
I'm glad you went and glad you're going back. Healing can be a painful process but in the end you'll be a better healthier person.
And you can come here to vent or scream or cry if it helps you release some of your pent up feelings. Someone is always 'home' here at SR. Our door is always open.
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