Saliena

So, I have been working the steps with my sponsor… step #1… got it … my life isn’t manageable… and yeap I am a powerless when I drink. I drink till I can not drink any more or until I blackout. Yeap, I wake up the next day to one hell of a hangover and wondering what I had done the night before… or what I was going to have to do to make amends.

Step #2 – Come to believe in a power greater then ourselves… well that was alittle harder. But, as of yet I didn’t have to give the HP a name or a vision or even a decision to hand my life over to this HP. I just had to believe… well I sure as hell wasn’t able to stop drinking by myself so it is okay for me to believe that a power greater then myself could stop me. Because, I was great enough (move aside my ego… greatly offended as you might be!). Step #2 CHECK

Step #3 Made a decision to turn our wills and lives over to the care of God as we understood him….

STOP THE PRESS!!!!

How the HELL does one do that? I mean… I would read this and struggle with it… and read it again… and surely the words would change from “turn our wills and lives over” to “lean on and support our wills and lives”….

So, alittle back ground… as a child growing up God to me was something to be feared and reverend, kinda like the Dad that was just wanting for you to slip up. Then as I grew up ever adult in my life whom I had ever relied on betrayed me. My mother the alcoholic abused me, my father put a gun to my head and beat me on a regular bases. My other family members abandoned me when my family signed me over to states custody at the age of 15.

So, I had one decision … be a survivor or be a victim. I made the decision to be a SUPER survivor. I would never let anything hurt me… I would never let anything touch me… I would have a high education then anyone in my family, I would make more money then anyone in my family. And, in the end they would have to look at me and know that they hadn’t done a damn thing to help me get there. That I had done it on my own and that I had built this great life without their love and support.

And, you know what I did just that. I put my emotions in a glass jar. I hide them on the top shelf of this darken closet in my heart. And, I didn’t let anyone or anything touch them… I mean really touch them. Sure. When something major would happen I would take off the old bandages and put new ones on all the emotions I had stuffed so deep down inside… for me my band-aid of choice was alcohol. It became my friend, it help me escape the emotions I was feeling. And, it allowed me release from the stress that might have been facing me. And, in the end it betrayed me as well. I lost relationships that were close to me. I made an ass out of myself more times then I can count. I got a DUI and went to jail. All because, I didn’t want to deal with my emotions.

So, now here I am Step #3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as weunderstood Him.

How I understand Him/Her/It now…. Is through the people I meet… and the help I have here on SR and in my AA meetings. It is knowing that I don’t have to hide from my emotions. It is knowing that I can truly trust in something greater then myself. I can trust in the process that has worked at keeping so many other people sober. For now until my HP takes full form in my head I yall are my HP. (Even though I think I am going to have to give my HP a funny name at some point….)…

And, for that I wanted to say thank you all for helping me work my step #3. If you read my last postings from Seattle you would know that I prayed for the first time in a number of years… and it did feel good.

Tonight I get to start step #4. Wish me luck.

Draciack

Great post Saliena

Boleo

"All you gotta do is". Oh boy! Whenever I hear that, I know something arduous is about to follow.

To make it a little easier for you, "All you gotta do is surrender". Not all at once, just a little bit at a time. That is why there are 12 and not 3 steps.

Brucel

Great post. When I first got sober I had a problem with the God issue too. Being lost in that arena sucks cause it was one more reason for me to feel left out. My sponsor told me to make my Higher Power, for the time being, a Group Of Drunks. He told me not to concentrate on any one individual, but the group and the process of AA. That worked long enough to get me thru the steps. I have since found a Power Greater than myself whom I call God. His suggestion helped me get thru that sticking point, and helped me become openminded. I hope and know you will find it too if you stay openminded and keep looking. Hang in there. Bruce

Anna

I firmly believe that the Universe knows what I need, though it is not necessarily what I want. So, if I am quiet, I will be able to hear my soul, which will show me the way.

Lilly03

I'm struggling with this one a lot lately. So far I think there's a high power that protects everyone and there's no reason to fear, but I'm not sure yet. I have a lot of unanswered questions and I'm trying to accept the fact that somethings just don't have an answer and you just have to trust that everything will work out. Trusting and letting go is really hard to do.