Lilly03

I've been struggling for a while since I've been sober. I've had days that are amazing, but there have been some really hard times. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be sober and that's what gets me through the bad days without using, but it's been rough. Some days the only thing that gets me through is knowing that I am sober.

My school has suffered. I've been sleeping a lot more than usual, and I've been having trouble concentrating. I know it's because I went from "numbing" myself to now actually thinking about things and I'm trying to manage that but I don't want to lose school. A few days before I got sober I enrolled in 5 classes, full time. I thought it would be a good idea to stay busy. Now I am only in 2. I missed a class today and I don't know why. I don't know if I'm using being sober as an excuse to put it before school, but I don't want to lose my student loan because I'm not in enough classes. That really stresses me out.

I've been going to AA/NA meetings as much as I can and trying to find a good one. Before I started going to AA I was reading the books and literature and completely related. I was 100% sure I am an alcoholic/addict, but since going to the meetings I've been running from it. I'm still going - but something inside me is trying to isolate me. Trying to make me suffer alone. I'm fighting it, but it isn't easy. It makes me feel like I'm crazy. I'm working on my "high power" and surrendering and all that - but it's been really hard. I don't know what I believe. Thinking about life and faith creeps me out. When I start thinking about it I get anxious and freak out - and I don't know why!! Growing up I went to a catholic school and believed it all - but we had our differences. They weren't supportive of me and a lot of the teachers treated me badly and made me feel horrible about myself - maybe I hold a grudge against the faith? I don't know!

I feel like everyone else knows what they believe and I have no idea. I don't want to isolate myself but the fight is getting exhausting.

I don't know if this all makes sense, but I was struggling today and thought it would be a good idea to say something because I don't want to lose my 38 days.

least

I read somewhere, probably here, that the good thing about getting sober is that you get your feelings back. The bad thing about getting sober is that you get your feelings back. Oh yeah, and how...

I also struggle with wanting to understand things that I don't understand... One of my favorite quotations is from St Augustine and it goes like this: "Seek not to understand that you may believe, but believe that you may understand." I've always been one to overthink things, to analyze every little thing to death. Some things are meant to be lived, not necessarily understood, if that makes sense...


I don't want you to lose your 38 days sober either. No matter what else you believe in, at least believe in yourself.

Anna

It's really hard to be in early sobriety and to know that you have to deal with all the feelings that you've been hiding from. It's understandable that you are scared, but know that you can get through this.

I knew that I had to find some kind of spiritual connection when I got sober or it was just not going to work. I, too had grown up in organized religion and through numerous bad experiences I had rejected it all. For me, I see my higher power as the Universe. I know that there is order in the Universe and that I am part of that order. That makes me feel comfortable and I know that I belong. You might want to check out Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth" or Gary Zukav's 'The Seat of the Soul'.

WatchTheSky

Congratulations on your 38 days! Now that I've begun to identify as an alcoholic, I have my doubts too. I keep thinking "I've been sober for 10 days and it's really not that bad, I must not be an alcoholic. False alarm! Back to drinking." My school work has suffered too. Did you used to study drunk? I did and I was great at it, so it's very tough to get used to sober studying. (Not trying to be prideful there, the numbers just show that it did work at the time.) I was also so determined to do things to prove that I was functional. Sometimes it was a major motivation.

I still haven't found the courage to go to an AA meeting (feels like I'm making it "official" when I do), and I applaud you for that! From what I've heard, it takes time to figure out your spirituality and what "higher power" means to you.

artsoul

Hi Lilly - early sobriety is stressful in many ways, and when you add school and trying to figure out what you believe spiritually.... well, it might just be too much to bite off right now.

There's a couple of sayings in AA: "Easy does it" and "Keep it Simple" that help some of us over-thinkers/achievers. Remember, you only have to live (and stay sober) one day at a time. As far as school goes, consider all the options (like talking to the university counselor, or working part time and just taking one class, or getting a parent to help). The really important thing is that you remain sober and sane!

I feel for you.... The first month I was sober I was pretty fuzzy about things, and it took several months to get all my energy back. Please keep your priority with sobriety, because everything else will fall into place!

viavai

Take a deep breath, and stop working so hard. I, too, am newly sober (again, after a relapse); I, too, went to Catholic school; and I, too, still have issues with the God part of AA--mainly because (at least in my area) everyone does a lot of God talk versus Higher Power talk. I do believe in a Higher Power--a power greater than myself, because I see proof of it in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. That's what works for me right now; and I keep an open mind, because (you never know) maybe one of these days I'll "get it" in a way that so many others have. Right now, I just have to have faith that I can stay sober--just for today, a day at a time. About the isolation: That IS your disease talking, and fight the good fight against it. Keep going to meetings, go out for coffee afterwards with a new friend. get a sponsor (someone you can call everyday), and start working on the steps with that person. This will also help you stay focused on school--seriously. At least this has been my experience as a grad school student. You will be O.K. Stay close to SR, keep reading, and keep posting.

stellaloella

I have similar experiences with school. I used to smoke pot and study and I was straight As all the time. I've recently taken some classes and if/when I'm sober, I can barely tolerate looking at a page. I don't know if that's some ADD or what, but I feel for you.

Lilly03

Thanks, I'll have to check out those books Anna.

Thanks for that. I over analyze everything and that gets me in trouble. I'm scared to let things just "be".


I didn't study drunk but I did study high, and honestly sometimes that did help. But it definitely wasn't always a help.

One day at a time is so hard for me. It's so hard to let go and let things happen. I want to work and work and work on getting sober, but maybe I need to learn to let go of some things.

DayTrader

I had a list, mostly in my head but some of it I wasn't too lazy to write down (man, I wish I would have written it all down.....I'd like to be able to go back and see it now).

Anyway, that list had the things a smart non-alcoholic "me" would do. Things on that list were: go to 2+ AA meetings per week, see therapist 1x per week, read the big book, read the 12x12, write inventory, pray every AM and PM, ...... stuff like that.

From then on, anytime I had an idea to skip one or several of those things I knew it was my alcoholism talking and my alcoholism will say anything it can.........ANYTHING......to get it's one goal achieved - to get me drunk.

least

Someone here has as their signature: to gain knowledge, add something every day; to gain wisdom, let go of something every day. (or words to that effect) I'm still learning how to live just for today, but ya know what - it gets easier to do that the longer you do it. Just for today honey, just live for today.

Lilly03

Thank you. I met a friend at a meeting last night and she's taking me to a meeting tonight. I think I'm freaking out because I let someone in. I struggle with talking to people about myself - I've only told the new people a few things and I'm already freaking out!! I'm going to just keep going to the meetings and accept that's all I can do right now.

Yep. I think I might have ADHD. I don't want to go on medication though so I need to find a way to work through it. I can't sit still in class since I've been sober. I can't focus. I don't know if it's just me recovering or if it is actually ADHD. I think only time will tell. It's hard because I love what I'm studying and I don't want to lose it.

bellakeller

Just keep going to meetings and coming here and maybe one day some revelation about a HP will hit you right between the eyes or maybe that faith will come slowly and gradually.

Like another poster said, you don't have to try so hard. Your HP is with you whether or not you believe in it or feel it (that's my best guess about the whole thing, anyway).

I know one thing for sure and it's that this disease wants me dead and will try any means my mind can figure to get back to the addiction. I just pat those deadly thoughts on the head and send them on their way, persistent though they may be.

Hang in there.

Draciack

Lilly, no joke, this is exactly what I'm going through now. It's like, once I let go of alcohol/my personal emotional bomb shelter, I put up my own wall between myself and others. Safety and all that Start slow. It's great too that you posted here tonight.

Dee74

I think 38 days is pretty much fantastic Lily - I know sometimes, even now, I can so worried about what might be coming up, I miss the good stuff that's going on right now.

We're all a work in progress, but yeah - it's ok to 'be' sometimes too.
It's ok to reach out and be a part of things too - in however small a way you feel ok with.

You're doing great IMO

D

coffeenut

It does make sense. Early sobriety is just so different for everyone.

Keep coming back....good stuff, here.

Lilly03

At the meeting I was at tonight someone said, "You've had social skills before. You had them before you picked up the bottle, you will get them back". I started using when I was 12 and I don't remember a time when I was not socially anxious and closed off. This is new to me and it's the scariest thing I've ever had to do.

It was my third meeting that I stayed through and I'm still not ready to share. But I did talk to people and I was around people who saw me for what I am right now, a scared alcoholic/addict who needs help and needs to find a way. I was my vulnerable self and I didn't deny it...That's a huge step for me. To not act like I'm this superhuman person who has no feelings and lives an amazing life...I need to let that sink in for a while. I am what I am and this is where I am - no more denying it.



Thank you Dee that makes me feel a lot better

firestorm090

hey Lilly, I know how you feel and congrats on 38 days!!

38 days seems superhuman to me from where I sit today, so I'm in awe. You are who you are, and that's pretty darn fantastic to me-no more denying it.

Glad you're hanging tough, so keep up the good work!!