Isaiah

I also used to use alcohol for inspiration, that was years before I came into a drug problem. I was in a couple bands and I used alcohol to "loosen me up" so I could put some intense emotions into lyrics, and I used all kinds of drugs to get me past my social anxiety so I could perform.

I still make music, better music I think. I realized the only advantage alcohol gives you is that it loosens your inhibitions, but the only thing that was inhibiting me in the first place was me. And where as a younger lad I used to draw my inspiration from really bad depression I find it's more cathartic now to write about coming out the other side of it.

Alcohol is just a pill in liquid form. I am not exactly ecstatic being on a medication, but on a practical level it helps my anxiety a lot, has no noticeable side effects and costs me less than a bottle of wine a month. And money I spent on alcohol, I have no illusions that the money is going anywhere but to a lot of rich stockholders who could care less about anything but their profits. One industry for another.

flutter

I almost "BUT I'M AN ARTIST!!!!"'d myself to death..

Some of the best artists I know, find their creativity from a clear head.. It sounds like you've experienced that already so maybe that will help encourage you to live a bit healthier.

As to the original question, you're probably an "or what", maybe not an alcoholic, maybe you are. The obsession and desperate defending of your lifestyle ring pretty true to a lot of us here, I can imagine. It was painful for me to realize that I needed to let it go.. but I had to, to live a much better, more creative, more well intended and honest life. I haven't regretted 'not drinking' yet.. not one morning have I woke up and thought "boy.. I wish I would have gotten drunk last night!". At almost 2 years of sobriety, and recovery now.. I don't grieve the loss of my old "friend" alcohol. I'm more creative and thoughtful than I ever have been. My health, my energy, and my mind are all in sync. My spirit has returned, and I'm ready for every day without the constant burden of "should I drink.. how much should I drink... can I just have two? Of course I can.. ". I do not miss that obsession that you're experiencing.. and I'm sorry you're in the middle of the throws of such an incredible addiction/dependency (whatever you want to call it, outside of total denial).

I'm glad you're here.. I never got myself healthier by continuing to drink.. I never got myself sober by controlling my drinking.. I never achieved this blessed life full of hope and opportunity hanging on to a drug that was sucking the life out of me, for just a measly few more drinks.

Hang in there.. you have a lot to think about. Go back, re-read the responses to your posts, there is a LOT of heart here, and a ton of experience with this stuff. We all thought we were pretty unique at one point.

JackNWA

Good Luck, my hat will be off to you if you can do that.

shegirl

reality when sober is also quite ugly, after a hard week at work i really to let loose a bit
and relax... and drinking a soda isn't an option.[/QUOTE]

i have a hard time relaxing too, my dr. prescribed me a low dose of Klonopin, it takes the edge off

Farang

for the record i drank a couple cans of beers for dinner, finished my dinner, and here i am, not drinking nor even thinking about drinking one more.

Farang

well, in some countries i visited recently there were beer banners advertising the local brew every 50 meters ... and then they had also their cheap local liquors.

a big bottle of beer was sold for 0.7 euro anywhere.

as for music : i finally realized the stuff i played when drinking is just crap compared when sober and it sounds meaningless too.

i think when drinking you really feel sounds "better" but when sober they just sound as bad or as boring as they really are.

Farang

i can tell you that actually i'm more concerned about my diet rather than counting my drinks.
i'm literally dreaming food by night and following a strict discipline that makes me feel hungry the whole day.

BUT, it makes me stronger and this alone is the reason it's worth it.

10 more Kg to go.

Farang

well i love to drink when listening music or watching photos and artworks, but whenever i tried to make artwork when boozed it never came out as good as when sober.

and for sure the inspiration i get when drunk is no big deal in the end, it's just our brain making it up as it was something amazing when in fact is maybe crap.

and about music : if a certain type of music can only be enjoyed if you're drunk or if you've smoked marijuana or if you've taken pills or acids .. is that music worth your time ? is that something you should even listen or store in a CD ?

most of the music around nowadays if by drunks for drunks and by druggies for druggies.
go in any discoteque and see if you can stand that **** being sober, i can't, and i don't go in a disco since many years in fact.

we must accept being an artist means living by your art's payouts, it has nothing to do with drunkness or drugs or being a hippie or whatever.

art == producing and selling artworks, period.

all i come up when drunk is foggy and weird ideas, never something really good.
i mean maybe some would be interesting working a lot on it, but it's not worth
6-7 big beers or a night out, i can do it sober providing i have a relaxing place to work
in peace... a bottle of water, a sandwich ... i'm ok.

Farang

update : business as usual.
drank 5 beers yesterday and 6 or 7 beers friday night.

i'm noticing a constant improvement as when i reach the 5th beer i start getting hungry and craving for food instead of yet another beet.

yesterday i even left half a beer in the bottle and didn't finished it ! this is something very unusual for me, i can't remember it happening since a long time unless i'm ********* drunk and i can't stand any more booze which is also something rarely happening as well as long as i stick with beer.