Bad Juju
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 150
Hey Purr, thanks for saying that. Sometimes I feel like "sober" doesn't exist for me as reality, and that my ability to tolerate misery must be much greater than usual because even as bad as things can get, I get used to that level of bad and keep going. I don't think a lot of people in my life know I've got a drinking problem. I teach lessons and present myself to dozens of people a week and get dressed nicely, fix my hair, speak confidently, etc. etc. So I think this illusion is making it even harder for me to accept that the split side of my personality is actually more like a gutter drunk. The bruises on my left leg are all I need to remind me of that.
Now I'll be living who knows where, possibly in a sober house, and away from my little darling. Wow. Talk about wake up calls. My husband is drawing a VERY hard line with me, and I know I need it. The thing that really has bothered me today has been the fact that we're packing -- and it feels like my life as I've known it for over 5 years is going away. We moved into this house to prepare for my daughter's arrival and now we're leaving it (separately) because I can't be trusted with her. That really packs a punch. Also, in cleaning up I've found various stashes of alcohol that I wasn't aware of and have FORCED myself to walk to the sink without thinking. I cannot be drunk one more day in front of my husband or this will just get worse. I've also found albums and memorabilia from my childhood, and it's astonishing how much my daughter looks like me. I was a really smiley, happy over-achiever who wrote in my diary and loved my cat and inspirational poetry. Now I feel like I'm a wizened cynic with very base concerns. What a disappointment. I'm trying not to cry all day, and in fact I need to teach a lesson in roughly an hour. I don't even know how to put one foot in front of the other.
I guess these are just the consequences I need. I also felt a little part of me die to hear my husband almost cry saying that he was worried that one day they'd find me dead on the floor, not just passed out. It's true. No one drinks upwards a fifth a day in any amount of safety.
I hope I can be happy some day.
Now I'll be living who knows where, possibly in a sober house, and away from my little darling. Wow. Talk about wake up calls. My husband is drawing a VERY hard line with me, and I know I need it. The thing that really has bothered me today has been the fact that we're packing -- and it feels like my life as I've known it for over 5 years is going away. We moved into this house to prepare for my daughter's arrival and now we're leaving it (separately) because I can't be trusted with her. That really packs a punch. Also, in cleaning up I've found various stashes of alcohol that I wasn't aware of and have FORCED myself to walk to the sink without thinking. I cannot be drunk one more day in front of my husband or this will just get worse. I've also found albums and memorabilia from my childhood, and it's astonishing how much my daughter looks like me. I was a really smiley, happy over-achiever who wrote in my diary and loved my cat and inspirational poetry. Now I feel like I'm a wizened cynic with very base concerns. What a disappointment. I'm trying not to cry all day, and in fact I need to teach a lesson in roughly an hour. I don't even know how to put one foot in front of the other.
I guess these are just the consequences I need. I also felt a little part of me die to hear my husband almost cry saying that he was worried that one day they'd find me dead on the floor, not just passed out. It's true. No one drinks upwards a fifth a day in any amount of safety.
I hope I can be happy some day.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Springfield, TN
Posts: 75
Hang in there hon... It is so hard being a Mom when things are just fine, so add any additional stress and BAMM... If I hear something negative from my child about me in my head that little voice says, "yep, you're so..." sigh
You are going through so much right now. I am really proud of you for making the awesome choice to not go to the liquor store! Already a good decision. You will keep making them. Post often, as you know, there is tons of support here!
hugs
You are going through so much right now. I am really proud of you for making the awesome choice to not go to the liquor store! Already a good decision. You will keep making them. Post often, as you know, there is tons of support here!
hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Stella, All the good & helpful stuff's been said - just wanted to add my support & love. I'm also living proof that you can completely re-invent yourself as a sober person who holds her head up high and marches forward to a new life. I drank for most of my life and created a hell for myself, yet I am now almost 3 yrs. out of it - thanks in part to my dear friends here - and I no longer let other people define who I am, or need their validation.
Your daughter will not remember the bad times as she grows, only the person you are about to become. Your love for each other will transcend everything else.
Your daughter will not remember the bad times as she grows, only the person you are about to become. Your love for each other will transcend everything else.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi Stella,
Really, I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
I hope you can see that it is the universe giving you a chance to heal in peace, and be able to concentrate on YOU.
You are NOT the drunk you speak of, that is the alcohol.
YOU are the well dressed put-together mother of a smart little lady.
You are going to be just fine. Read the stories here. You are part of a community of people who care for one-another and combining our strength and wisdom will help us all.
Keep it up. 2 weeks is a great start.
Really, I am sorry that you are having to go through this.
I hope you can see that it is the universe giving you a chance to heal in peace, and be able to concentrate on YOU.
You are NOT the drunk you speak of, that is the alcohol.
YOU are the well dressed put-together mother of a smart little lady.
You are going to be just fine. Read the stories here. You are part of a community of people who care for one-another and combining our strength and wisdom will help us all.
Keep it up. 2 weeks is a great start.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
Hang in there Stella, U can do this, B strong and hold on.
Just take care of yourself and everything else will fall in place. 2 weeks of sobriety is great.
Keep coming here, update us on your progress.
Prayers heading your way.
Just take care of yourself and everything else will fall in place. 2 weeks of sobriety is great.
Keep coming here, update us on your progress.
Prayers heading your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 150
Wow, you have all been incredibly kind to me. I'm still in a trying time, and in fact my husband is offended that I'm not "thanking" him for saving me or some such. I don't know if i think anyone is really the reason. My own behavior has, over time, been downwright scary. I have a mental list that demonstrates this progression for me. I'm sure we all have our own. Anyway, I'm just trying to stay sober for today. I may be bored, but at least I'm not threatening life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Stella I want you to know that I am also here thinking of you. Well done on your 2 weeks and know it gets better. We can change and become the better people that we know we can be. I too was marked off, etc. for my behaviors and who I was when I drank. I couldn't let any of that bring me down but rather focused on a positive life which I believe was there for me. I got support and just focused 100% on me and my recovery.
I am so sorry you are going through this but know that you have a better life waiting for you. This is your turning point and I believe in you.
No matter what happens around you right now......you get through and focus on your sobriety....that is your mission.
Keep us posted and know that we are here for you. You can do this!!
I am so sorry you are going through this but know that you have a better life waiting for you. This is your turning point and I believe in you.
No matter what happens around you right now......you get through and focus on your sobriety....that is your mission.
Keep us posted and know that we are here for you. You can do this!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 150
Thank you, Kmbr (and all other tolerant respondents!). I appreciate the support. I feel that I'm at my nadir but your words have helped me move along. It's a real gift. Thank you all. So much. I still have things to do before I move out of my house but I feel like I have a loving support system. That means SO much to me. Wow. You have all helped me a lot at a very needed time. I wish I could host a picnic and have you all there...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi Stella - I'm just now catching up on your story and want to lend my support and encouragement.
I know that this feels like your darkest hour--and hopefully it is. But this isn't forever. This, too, shall pass. You are doing the 'next right thing' so just keep doing it and in the blink of an eye you will see how much better your life is. You can do this. (((Hugs)))
I know that this feels like your darkest hour--and hopefully it is. But this isn't forever. This, too, shall pass. You are doing the 'next right thing' so just keep doing it and in the blink of an eye you will see how much better your life is. You can do this. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 6
Hello Stella, I'm Kari and new to this site, registered tonight.
I have been feeling very rocky lately, to rocky. and I know me and where that can lead if I'm not careful and quick to nip it. And since I've started to lose faith again as well, I've came here in hopes to find something to help get me over this (mountain-like) hump.
My heart wept when I read your post. My daughter was 5yrs when I reached a bad point in my addictions. Her father and I had separated over abuse drugs and alcohol . I wanted away from it all. I needed to be better than that. I was raised way better than what I was becoming. I put myself in rehab at that time. That was my first but unfortunately,shamefully yet humbly not my last. I pray for you and that being at the half way house away from your daughter will be all you need to kick the bottle permanently. Be strong and stay very focused on YOU and YOUR addiction. Not sure if it's your first time in treatment.. but it is important to take in as much education you can on your particular drug of choice. Knowing my disease and what it is capable of gives me more of an insight into myself and what I'm capable of (good & bad), which helps in figuring out what tools to take with you to use. It's not going to be easy
especially feeling alone with the all the thoughts of your world being ripped from beneath you. That's when my head gets me and will eventually talk me into become numb to it all. Then you will end up losing everything that means the world to you and fighting to get it back is 10 times harder with strikes against you and that monkey on your back wanted to keep you down and numb forever. BELIEVE ME!
My daughter was 5yrs. old when I first got help... She is now 13 years old.
I look at those numbers right there and just cry.
8 years. It has been 8years of her life!
I'm having a really hard time swallowing that right now.....
My heart feels like is crumbling to pieces inside of me.
I'd give ANYTHING to not be sick with this addiction. To rewind time. It's been nothing but a f*cked up roller coaster ride from Hell. And I've been on it for way to many years now!! Do good then relapse, do good, something happens Relapse. Doing good, nothing happens, relapse. It's Good, Bad, Good, Bad. Up, down, round an round!
You don't know how bad I want to die knowing what I put my kids thru. I have a son also he's 11. Him and I are close. But my daughter being older and shuffled back and forth between my moms and her dads. Being told in one place how drinking is bad even just one (they didn't drink) to being told in the other place what a piece of **** mother I am that doesn't love her for taking off and leavin her. when I was just tryin to get myself well.
Anyway there's so much to my story. and my daughter has lost alot of trust in me thru the years of good and bad,(understandable, I know I let her down) that along with alot of continually bad mouthing from her father has made things really rough. Does make me angry knowing he's an addict to but I won't stoop to bad mouth him like that to our kids. It's not fair cause I am a good mother. I have to have faith that they will figure out the truth as they get older and I do see that they are but right now since I'm the one that has seeked helped in treatment (humbly yes more than once) It's going to be perceived that I have a terrible problem which means fingers will always be pointing at me. And that's so unfair and really sucks. When for me, during this time in my life,
all I'm doing is just seeking the help needed for my disease before it spreads and takes over. Kinda like a cancer patient...If I don't get the treatment needed to help stop it from taking over me, there is a VERY high chance that I could die...I KNOW, myself, FOR A FACT IT WILL KILL ME,IF NOT TREATED. So I'll keep coming back...it's all I can do.
I wish you the best. Have Faith. You can do it!
I have been feeling very rocky lately, to rocky. and I know me and where that can lead if I'm not careful and quick to nip it. And since I've started to lose faith again as well, I've came here in hopes to find something to help get me over this (mountain-like) hump.
My heart wept when I read your post. My daughter was 5yrs when I reached a bad point in my addictions. Her father and I had separated over abuse drugs and alcohol . I wanted away from it all. I needed to be better than that. I was raised way better than what I was becoming. I put myself in rehab at that time. That was my first but unfortunately,shamefully yet humbly not my last. I pray for you and that being at the half way house away from your daughter will be all you need to kick the bottle permanently. Be strong and stay very focused on YOU and YOUR addiction. Not sure if it's your first time in treatment.. but it is important to take in as much education you can on your particular drug of choice. Knowing my disease and what it is capable of gives me more of an insight into myself and what I'm capable of (good & bad), which helps in figuring out what tools to take with you to use. It's not going to be easy
especially feeling alone with the all the thoughts of your world being ripped from beneath you. That's when my head gets me and will eventually talk me into become numb to it all. Then you will end up losing everything that means the world to you and fighting to get it back is 10 times harder with strikes against you and that monkey on your back wanted to keep you down and numb forever. BELIEVE ME!
My daughter was 5yrs. old when I first got help... She is now 13 years old.
I look at those numbers right there and just cry.
8 years. It has been 8years of her life!
I'm having a really hard time swallowing that right now.....
My heart feels like is crumbling to pieces inside of me.
I'd give ANYTHING to not be sick with this addiction. To rewind time. It's been nothing but a f*cked up roller coaster ride from Hell. And I've been on it for way to many years now!! Do good then relapse, do good, something happens Relapse. Doing good, nothing happens, relapse. It's Good, Bad, Good, Bad. Up, down, round an round!
You don't know how bad I want to die knowing what I put my kids thru. I have a son also he's 11. Him and I are close. But my daughter being older and shuffled back and forth between my moms and her dads. Being told in one place how drinking is bad even just one (they didn't drink) to being told in the other place what a piece of **** mother I am that doesn't love her for taking off and leavin her. when I was just tryin to get myself well.
Anyway there's so much to my story. and my daughter has lost alot of trust in me thru the years of good and bad,(understandable, I know I let her down) that along with alot of continually bad mouthing from her father has made things really rough. Does make me angry knowing he's an addict to but I won't stoop to bad mouth him like that to our kids. It's not fair cause I am a good mother. I have to have faith that they will figure out the truth as they get older and I do see that they are but right now since I'm the one that has seeked helped in treatment (humbly yes more than once) It's going to be perceived that I have a terrible problem which means fingers will always be pointing at me. And that's so unfair and really sucks. When for me, during this time in my life,
all I'm doing is just seeking the help needed for my disease before it spreads and takes over. Kinda like a cancer patient...If I don't get the treatment needed to help stop it from taking over me, there is a VERY high chance that I could die...I KNOW, myself, FOR A FACT IT WILL KILL ME,IF NOT TREATED. So I'll keep coming back...it's all I can do.
I wish you the best. Have Faith. You can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington State
Posts: 150
Faith, thanks for sharing your story. It helped me think about things with a different perspective. I hope you can find the help you need, too. I really appreciate your having taken the time to write.
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