stellaloella

Tonight my husband and 5 year-old daughter came home from their dinner at a friend's house. I was taking my contact lenses out at the time and when they initially didn't know my of whereabouts, my daughter said, "Let me guess, Mommy's hiding the bottle again." Talk about heartbreak. I'm going on 2 weeks sober but I still need to deal with the knowledge that we're moving apart and I need to prove my sobriety. I spoke today with a man who runs a sober house near when they are moving, but honestly, nothing has broken my heart more than those words she spoke today. Poor baby, she deserves a real mother. I'm tired.

Dee74

I'm sorry Stella - I know that was rough - but we can rebuild lives and reputations - I'm proof of that.

I'd let a lot of people down, multiple times too and I'm sure (in fact I know) their opinion of me was pretty jaundiced - but I stuck to it and worked hard and remade myself - in my true image if you like - and people do forget the bad stuff, in time

D

Lilly03

Sorry, that is rough. One day you'll be able to use this as an example for her - she'll learn how to get back up after falling. Congrats on the 2 weeks!!

Hooped

Ouch thats harsh.
It took us a lot longer than 2 weeks to dig ourselves into our own respective holes and it will take us some time to dig ourselves out.
Congrats on your 2 weeks, God bless you. Keep it up.

Greenfingers

Congrats-keep going x

Itchy

Stella,
That was tough to hear. How in the world do you deal with that? You focus on your sobriety and that issue will take care of itself over time, if you keep on doing it just . . . one . . . day . . .at . . .a . . .time.
Congrats on your great start to a new life and regaining your self respect and dignity!

Anna

I'm sorry that happened to you, how sad!

All you can do is to continue to work on your recovery and show your family that you are changing.

least

"... out of the mouths of babes..."

Your actions will speak volumes of your different/better sober life. Keep at it and congrats on your two weeks sober.

stellaloella

I can't believe how horrible I feel about it. My husband gave me a parenting plan this morning detailing in legal terms what the provisions of her custody will be (with him in other words). It is just awful. He yelled at me about getting my **** together and said he should have done this long ago. She is in preschool now so is not witness to this stuff. I feel so awful and guilty because she's my pride and joy and people always compliment her and say I'm a wonderful parent. I couldn't feel like more of a dirtbag right now though. My husband says that he hopes I can turn things around so we can be together again but for now we're split up. Unfortunately we're in the same house until the end of the month. I don't know what I will end up doing yet. I need to figure out money matters, housing matters, etc. and he's unemployed and looking. I am so scared about everything. I know I caused this. The last two months have been hell with him losing his job and my grandmother dying, and now an impending move with my custody being removed. I long for stability with all I've got, and wish to be rid of the dreadful anxiety and depression I'm under. I want to drink but that's impossible now.

SSIL75

It sounds like your husband is goint to be taking great care of your little girl so you can take care of yourself. Are you in AA? Does your insurance cover residential rehab?

I have a child the same age and know well the horrors of parenting as an alcoholic.

Please remember that it's darkest before dawn. You can change your life and the lives of those who love you.

stellaloella

Thanks for all the supportive words. Yes, he's an excellent father and she's a very confident youngster so I hope our split will be short lived and go as smoothly as we can manage. No, I'm not in AA as I prefer SMART and have been working on that; I don't currently have insurance due to his unemployment (and I'm self-employed). I've gotten through detox all right and am hanging on to sobriety with all of my might. It's very likely that I'll end up living in a sober house in a town neighboring the one they will be in. The guy I spoke with runs it and says he's seen a lot of wonderful changes in the people who have lived there and that most have gotten jobs and stayed sober. That's encouraging at least.

SSIL75

SMART seems like a great program. You can do it!

jamdls

Hang in there Stella, fortunetly your daughter is so young that you will have a lot of years to make up for any failings and with your continuing sobriety it is very possible she won't even remember these times. Don't give in to the urges to drink, like you said your daughter "deserves a real mother" which you can be.

Anna

I can understand how badly you feel about what's happening, but please use it in a positive way. Focus on your recovery and your daughter and be the person and mother that you want to be. You can do this!

stellaloella

I'm having such a hard time right now. I just found out that my husband is going to actually be sharing a house with a single mother. I was under the mistaken impression that he was renting from a landlady who was a single mother, but it turns out she's actually living in the house. Noooo! I was visibly upset when I actually realized what the situation will be and it made him even angrier at me! I guess I have to trust him but I feel like everything is totally out of my control right now. My daughter will be in a house with two kids (12 and 1). What is going on??? I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Thank you all for being so tolerant of this ongoing drama of mine.

I can not drink. I can not drink. I can not drink. I am so close to running full speed to the liquor store right now that he's taking boxes into storage.

mtnmagic

We both know the worst thing you can do right now is
head to the liquor store. You can get through this.
I have faith in you. Hang on. Keep posting. Stay
sober one minute at a time. It's ok to feel like you
feel right now. It hurts big time, but your feelings
won't kill you and the alcohol very well could, or
at the very least make things a whole lot worse
then they are.

SSIL75

Try to focus on the real problem here. The real problem is that you are an alcoholic in danger of losing your family. It's all you can control. Everything else is drama. You have no idea if she's even attractive or attractED to your husband.

stellaloella

Thanks for reminding me of what's important. My paranoia is at an all time high, I guess. I just know that as he advertised himself as a single father seeking a place to live, this makes me uncomfortable. But he got mad after I said something about it and he said "Romance is not even what this is about!" and I know he's right. I guess it's just me looking to blame others as usual.

I'm not going to the liquor store. I have to pick my daughter up in two hours and I most certainly would not be able to do that if I got some booze.

Dee74

I've shared houses with women and single mothers before Stella - all very innocently.
It happens all over the world everyday

I know it's easy to let fear run away with you, but I absolutely agree that your main priority needs to be your recovery Stella - it's the only thing in all of this you can control...and without it nothing else matters, right?

Stay strong - recognise these fears for what they are - fears and imagination.
Stay focused on what you need to do for you

D

Impurrfect

(((Stella))) - I'm sorry you're going through this, but I know, for me, I wasn't willing to THINK about recovery until I faced some pretty harsh consequences.

You have an opportunity to choose recovery, re-discover life, and be the kind of person and mom you want to be. Your daughter is young...her memories of you and "the bottle" can become a vague, distant memory. You can show her how it's possible to face problems and deal with them in a good way.

This doesn't all happen overnight, but there are 100's of people here who are living proof that recovery is a new, and better way of life.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy