SASA

my mom called me today and asked if i would come home for christmas for a 2 week vacation. I always went home at christmas and 2 weeks in summer. I stopped drinking this year at June 18th and went back in august for 2 weeks. The whole time she kept offering me wine until I finally caved and drunk. The good thing out of the 14 days I only drunk for 5 days, I continued after returning for 2 days and since then I am stoppe completly. I am on day 69 doing really well. I am terrified going home. The apst years when I stopped I aways started drinking when I went home, the reason is I feel so unhappy because fo past events in the family that I disagree with (I am the black sheep of my family, my brother got the money and the business written over while I was left with nothing, which is one of the reasons I originally left. oh yeah I have a PhD and a good paid job, but for her that is nothing) So I am afraid after a while to give in, I always joke there is not enough booze in the world to make me forget the pain going home inflicts in me......
Any advice? How would you handle the situation, any idea how to build up coping skills, isolate myself, build up a huge wall of defense and just let go and detach? I am scared to book that flight home.... Once I am there there is no way to go back early or disappear.....

Anna

Don't go.

Everything is telling you that it's not safe in any way for you, so don't go.

Take care of you. You deserve to be cared for.

bellakeller

Too bad you won't be able to make that trip.

:day6

SASA

the problem is I feel guilty not going and she will put on this oh I am alone, old and who knows how long I live story, she also keeps telling me how much she is looking forward to see me it will make her sooooooo happy, and it is only 2 weeks out of my life......

Isaiah

I take it there is no easy way to ask them to nix the wine altogether while you're there?

Why did your mom ask you repeatedly about having wine? Or perhaps, why wasn't your first no strong enough to send the message?

Caving in to requests is really just your own decision to drink in the end. How many times would I need to ask you to eat a cow poo sandwich? We could count forever, right? Because that would be disgusting. It's not the nagging that's to blame, it's the eventual yes (though I don't mean to invalidate how the nagging must make you feel.)

Isaiah

If she's that concerned about not seeing you, she shouldn't mind throwing the wine out of her house, don't you think?

Sasha4

I think you should go.....but........have lots and lots of tools ready to use when things are said that might make you drink.

If comparisons are made between you and your brother, you smile to yourself, don't argue, let it wash over you.

Any past resentments, just see it as your mothers problem, her bad way of dealing with things, and not your problem.

Make time for yourself, so you can get away, be it to your own room, or outside for a walk, so you can have some peace and quiet.

I often psyche myself up before a visit with m family. In the car on the way over, I talk to myself and say, I will present myself as a calm, quiet, non argumantative, strong woman. I will not be drawn into any arguements or heated discussions. I will use humour where I can. It usually works.

xx

Two weeks sounds like a long time though, could you you just go for one week?

SASA

well my mother had problems with alcohol herself, he stopped drinking wine (I think she switched now to liquor) and is hiding it. Last time she bouht 2 big bottles and told me its because they were on sale. She goes shopping about twice a week so I guess she finishes 4 bottles of the liquor, but it is hard to tell since she is hiding it. I am not sure she stopped.
I think she keeps asking em to drink wine because I entertain her and keep her company longer. If I drink water I am not emotional and more rational and get tired easier....
And yes if she would offer me cow pooh i would consider eating it to please her, as much as I try to please her by drinking that dam first glass, problem is I cannot stop afterwards..........

SSIL75

Recovery aside, it doesn't sound like a pleasant place to visit for 2 weeks. Why two weeks anyway? Can you just go for a long weekend?

bellakeller

Would you rather deal with your guilt over your mother or your guilt over drinking again? I say protect yourself.

Don't go - make other fun plans for yourself.:day6

susanlauren

SASA, I think you know the answer in your own heart. Home is not a safe place for you. "I'm sorry, I have other plans." SusanLauren

SSIL75

Have you ever gotten profesional advice re: your relationship with your mother? It might be a good idea!

SASA

Hi Sasha, I survived the last time 10 days, the problem was after 10 days I could just not handle my missery, maybe going there and leaving for 5 weeks in between to do some sightseeing and then return would amke it 5 days in the beginning, 5 days relax and 5 days in the end.... and then hope I survive....

SASA

I know I have a problem with trying to pease all people, it drains me and takes all energy and makes me feel miserable, latly after stopping drinking I realized I have a problem with trying to pelase people too much and neglecting me. I am working on getting better at putting me first and I am more and more succesful, the problem however is I still do not have the skills to stand up to her..... arghhhhhhh

Dee74

SASA

Anna has a great thread on people pleasing and sticking up for ourselves...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...no-thanks.html

I was a people pleaser too - it nearly killed me because pleasing people meant drinking and I cannot drink without hurting myself.

I've been home for Xmas just once in the last 4 years. It's a drink fest. I have no business being there if I want to stay sober.

I got all the emotional blackmail - the fact is my family does not, and probably will not ever understand why I stay away, but they accept it now for what it is and relations are cordial.

I have a responsibility to myself and my good health - but I'm under no obligation to join others in their illness, no matter who asks.

My advice is stand up for yourself and do what's right...for you.

D

least

If it were me I wouldn't go and would be honest, perhaps painfully honest, in saying why. If your mother has a drinking problem then maybe she's just upset to lose her drinking buddy, or maybe if she knows you stopped, she's being forced to look at her drinking and doesn't like to do that.

However... her trying to force wine/alcohol on you doesn't mean you have to say 'yes'. And if she does have a drinking problem then it's no use asking her to get rid of the alcohol while you're there 'cause she won't be able to do that most likely.

I honestly wouldn't go, if it were me. My sobriety is my most important thing in life and I wouldn't give it up for anything or anyone, not even family.

I agree completely!

SASA

You are all right, me being sober is more important. I will take her on tomorrow and tell her.
I asked in august not to have any wine at home and she had bought some hiddenly and brought it out in the evening. I know it is my fault I drank it, but she really has an evil way. I go every friday playing pool in a bar dinking diet coke, no cravings nothing, I go out with friends being the designated driver, no problem, but as soon as it comes to close relationships I am all ready to drink away the pain..... Pain from not being accepted, being neglected, bad history etc,,,,
I will let you know how it will go......

Toronto68

Hi SASA, I haven't seen your ID for a while, unless I was just missing it.

Understand that my opinion is formed out of just reading here, but here is my take:

It's only a month and a half away. You have a history of going back to drinking when you visit, your mother offers it constantly - and more importantly - you have resentments that are pretty intact. I feel like it's too soon for you to go there. I don't think the permanent answer is to avoid Xmas visits for years and years, but I have the impression you need more time to work on yourself first. That doesn't mean it's all your fault either; it means you have to work on how to cope. How to do that? I can't answer that in a few sentences like they're how-to instructions. And I can't say to experience a spiritual enlightenment before the trip date, because it doesn't work that way.

If it's out of the question NOT to go, then I can only suggest figuring out some way of giving yourself an exit plan for when the drinks are offered too much or for when you feel something building up inside you. But I am assuming you would be staying at their house, and wouldn't have an easy out.

I haven't read any additional posts yet, so I might have missed more to the picture.

Anna

Sasa, the best gift you can give yourself is to put yourself first.

My mother was evil too and always wanted me to fail in everything I did. It made her feel better than me. Accepting those facts was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But, I wouldn't be where I am today, if I had not recognized how toxic she was to me.

LawMama

I can relate to you, as my parents still drink. I wouldn't go. I go to my parents' home only during the day and then I go home....easy because they are thirty minutes away but if they were far away I wouldn't go. I know it is easier said than done but your relationship with your mother is going to have to change if you are going to be sober.