Anna

This is a topic that comes up regularly on SR and the holiday season is approaching, so I am going to stand on my soapbox for a moment. This is not meant to be me preaching to you. But, I see posts where members are so afraid of hurting someone else's feelings, that they will put themselves at risk.

When I stopped drinking, I was really low, really low. My physical and mental health were in great jeopardy and I needed to stop drinking to save myself.

Very early on in recovery, I went to a neighborhood party. I didn't drink, but I almost screamed with frustration. The next day I went out and bought alcohol. Lesson learned - I could not be around alcohol.

A month later, I went over to a friend's house and lots of beverages were offered, including alcohol. I chose Coke, and someone asked why I wasn't drinking. I made up a story about being on anti-biotics. I felt awful lying. My relative new-found recovery was based hugely on honesty. Lying felt so wrong and so bad, I knew I couldn't do that anymore either. Lesson learned - lying wasn't going to work for me.

Back at home, I thought a lot about these two instances. I knew I was vulnerable and I knew I could lose everything in my life if I drank again. So, I dug in and made changes. I made decisions that would work for me. I put myself ahead of my husband, my friends, my co-workers. I stopped caring about what others thought about me and focused on what I thought about myself. The more I cared for myself, the healthier I became mentally, physically and spiritually. And, the interesting thing is, as I have become so much more confident and comfortable with myself, others rarely challenge me about what I'm drinking.

Let's all look forward to a sober and peaceful holiday season!

Dee74

Thanks for this Anna

I was always very worried about what people thought, what they said about me - I can't count the times I relapsed because I simply couldn't say no, even when I knew what was best for me.

I'm glad I've learned it's ok to do whats right for me - it's not selfish...it's healthy.

And I learned too that I don't have to be ashamed of that choice - it's a good postive choice for me.

I don't have to explain myself - a no thanks is all anyone needs to know.

D

Isaiah

I had a moment today that drew on this.

Went out with a new friend and he invited me to come out to a club with some of his friends. I told him that I really can't stand that particular club (which is absolutely true.) But the real truth is I would probably go along were it not also a swimming pool of booze.

I don't think it was a real case of dishonesty, but did make me realize that if he's going to introduce me to a new group of people, I may need my "No thanks" good and ready.

Lilly03

I think in the very beginning if the only thing you can do is lie - if you don't have the energy to say the truth - it's OK as long as you work on the honesty and keep up trying to be more honest. I think it takes a while to figure out how to be complete honest, because you may still be trying to figure out exactly what the truth is for you.

My very close friends I'm trying to be honest about the struggle with them - but people I barely know, it's a different story. It's going to take me a while to learn how to be honest with them. It's OK I can't now, and I know one day I will be able to do it.

Snarf

I get asked all the time why I don't drink. I work in a bar/restaurant, so I'm constantly offered shots and invitations to go drinking when I get off. When people ask why I don't drink, I usually say, "Bad things happen when I drink." That's usually enough for most people. They don't know if I mean bad things happen to me or if I do bad things, but either way, most folks don't ask beyond that. And I like to keep 'em guessing.

Hollyanne

I honestly never really had a problem with saying no thanks.
My problem was that people remember it and then I can't go back to being a moronic drunk! I wanted to take back my admission! The minute I told people including my old Irish mother!, it was solo drinking for me! I had to SUFFER in silence for another few years. Couldn't go out and make an a$$ of myself anymore! I was too proud to drink in public after "coming out" as an alcoholic. I think I am gonna write me a Country and Western song.
"Ah useta be a happy drunk 'til I messed up and told some folk!".....

crisplover

Why is it ok to turn down cigarettes and feel proud to say 'I've given up smoking'

If you say that with Alcohol, it all gets a bit awkward and embarrassing.

It makes me so angry that when I pop to the shops, the one thing that I am trying to avoid is staring me in the face and I can just buy it so easily. It's wrong.

yeahgr8

Thanks Anna...and, for me, without that level of committment to both staying sober and changing myself as a person including thoughts, beliefs etc which i did/do by being open minded and willing i was always doomed, at some point, to get right back into my old behaviour which would always, maybe days/months/years, lead back to drinking...

It really isn't a matter of ill give it a go!

Isaiah

It's the socializing nature of alcohol. People always drink together.

Close a business deal? Go celebrate with martinis.

Getting married? Toast with champagne.

Show your friends you appreciate them? Buy them a round.

Bamboozle

Thanks, Anna.

Stang

That was a good post Anna.

Now STOP THE PRESSES OLE A-HOLE STANG IS GONNA WEIGH IN! I have said this in numerous other threads on this subject so you may be tired of reading it...TOO BAD....HA! Most people are not going to pressure you to drink if you just use a polite "no thank you". For anyone who does dont be shy about letting out the inner turd!
Get this straight! When you lose your license these "friends" are not gonna take you to and from work everyday. When you lose your job because you are a sot they will not support your family for you! Lose your house and do you think they will let you live with them.....NO SEXIN WAY!!! When your health is shot they won't be the ones turning yellow and vomiting blood....YOU WILL!! SO run that through your heads the next time any of you feel "socially awkward" about refusing a drink.

least

I rarely have to refuse a drink 'cause I'm a stay at home type and don't do the party scene anymore - thank God. I had to learn to say no to myself as I always drank at home alone. So being able to say no to myself gives me the mental strength I might need if ever asked to drink anywhere else.

But a simple "thanks, but no thanks, I don't like what alcohol does to me" will suffice should the situation arise. Since I never drank outside the home few people know of my problem, and those that do are very proud of me for staying sober, including my loving supportive family.

Kablume

I usually tell people I quit drinking. They leave it at that most of the time. Sometimes I tell them that I met my quota. I just gotta be a little funny sometimes!

It is my husband that they are inviting to the parties. They are his poker friends. Other than that, we are not socializing people per se. That is Ok with me. I just don't find them as funny anymore.

Since I have made it through one holiday season without alcohol, I hope this one will be a bit easier. i am looking forward to making new memories and traditions without alcohol.
Thanks for the topic Anna.

Snarf

I hear that a lot in my bar, from people who are there with friends who are drinking. And that could mean a lot of things. You don't like feeling a buzz, you don't like not being able to think clearly, you don't like crashing into things and waking up in a jail cell...It's kind of all-encompassing.

tomdecel

The reverse happened to me. I attended a family friend's 70 birthday party. It was in a plush restaurants with lots of good food and wine (I guess, people were commenting about it). I was totally committed to my program and determined so I grabbed a club soda and saw a guy who works for these friends in the corner of the room.

I known him for 20+ years so I went to say hello to him and chatted for 15 minutes, during appetizers. 3 times a waiter came up to us with a tray of wine glasses and every time he would take a handful of pills out of his shirt pocket and say: "not tonight, I am taking prescriptions meds" and put his pills back in his pocket.

Now, I know he has had issues with abuse over the years. He would talk to my Dad about it. I just felt like ringing his neck and say you don't have to fool anybody, just say "no thanks" which is what I did. Two other times I saw him with the corner of my eye taking the pills out of his pocket talking to some else. Just totally silly for a grown man.

bcboy

Thanks for the post Anna!

Nearing 6 months sober here and I have gotten to the point of feeling extremely proud to refuse the offer to have a drink. I have worked so hard up until know I deserve to feel good about saying no thanks and not hide or tell some excuse on why am not drinking.

Not drinking / drugging is the hardest challenge I have ever faced and if people don't accept it that is beyond my control so I have no emotion ether way.

I have noticed a trend where the ones who make the most fuss about my non-drinking are also obvious substance abusers themselves. I guess they don't like looking in the mirror.

Kmber2010

Thx Anna! Good thread!!

Snarf

Many of my friends, when we're hanging out and I'm not drinking, comment on how they need to stop drinking, or at least cut back. I don't really push it, but sometimes I say, "I did it. You ever want to know how just ask." I'm always open if anyone wants to talk, but I don't really bring up AA or SR or anything unless people specifically ask about it. Hopefully one day someone with a problem will ask for help, and I'll be there to provide it.

kdr143

Great thread!!!
I am 64 days sober today. My oldest brother texted me and said hey so you don't drink anymore. I said nope why? He said everybody has noticed!!!
wow....really!!!
so happy to be sober today
muah

Snarf

That's awesome. That positive reinforcement from other people goes a long way. When people make comments like that to me, it just adds more motivation for me to keep this thing going.