No, No, No, Not Again!
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
Your post has brought me to tears. I could have written that a couple years ago. I never again want to be living in the hell that brought me here. And they tell me that I won't have to if I continue to use the help I've gotten. I believe them because I have some time now sober and my life keeps getting richer.
It's so much easier to be released from that sanity and live sober than to be on that roller coaster it sounds like you are on now. It gets better if you keep coming back and stringing together this sobriety one day (sometimes one moment) at a time. For me, I had to do rehab and follow a program, learn to quit buying my own BS, and to ask for and to actually accept help. That's just what I am doing to protect my sobriety at all costs.
Much love.
It's so much easier to be released from that sanity and live sober than to be on that roller coaster it sounds like you are on now. It gets better if you keep coming back and stringing together this sobriety one day (sometimes one moment) at a time. For me, I had to do rehab and follow a program, learn to quit buying my own BS, and to ask for and to actually accept help. That's just what I am doing to protect my sobriety at all costs.
Much love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: directly above the center of the earth
Posts: 71
A Tuesday miracle that I have to attribute to you all. By the 10th hour of the meeting I was not sure if I would drink or just jump off the building, but I couldn't stand the thought of logging on here when I got back after having - erem-'s "polite sip". We all piled out to dinner at the recommended restaurant and the miracle occurred - THEY WERE IN PROCESS OF GETTING A NEW LIQUOR LICENSE and couldn't sell booze! what are the odds?
Wow, this online site works in mysterious ways...
I want to reply to everyone. Thank you for your welcome. thank you for your identification with the bad stuff and the promise of a future without it. thank you for sharing your pain. thank you for the advice. coming here whenever I can is the least, but pretty powerful (is it addictive?). I hope to learn to give as well as get. You all are awesome.
Wow, this online site works in mysterious ways...
I want to reply to everyone. Thank you for your welcome. thank you for your identification with the bad stuff and the promise of a future without it. thank you for sharing your pain. thank you for the advice. coming here whenever I can is the least, but pretty powerful (is it addictive?). I hope to learn to give as well as get. You all are awesome.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
A lot of people here call those kind of really fortuitous coincidences 'god shots', NT 
Whatever you call it, I'm glad one happened to you
and here the support here is simply amazing - the people here helped me change my life
D
Whatever you call it, I'm glad one happened to you
and here the support here is simply amazing - the people here helped me change my life
D
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Yes, SR is addictive, NoTears! So glad you had your miracle (I believe it's not a coincidence - infact I had a couple myself, and consider finding this place to be one of them).
You'll be proud of yourself in the morning, too. Keep hanging out with us - we're all working for the same goal, one day at a time....
You'll be proud of yourself in the morning, too. Keep hanging out with us - we're all working for the same goal, one day at a time....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
Perhaps getting sober now is meant to be for you Keep in mind, though, these miraculous times don't always happen and you should think about a plan for what you WILL do when you do get tempted. When I first came on here, I posted something about how you have thoughts to drink and tricking yourself into thinking that it's the same as thinking about doing anything. (I think about taking a drive down to Florida all the time, but that does not mean I'm going to do it - example) And those thoughts about drinking only last a few minutes so if you can get passed them by keeping busy doing something else, then you are on your way!
Keep in mind, though, these miraculous times don't always happen and you should think about a plan for what you WILL do when you do get tempted. When I first came on here, I posted something about how you have thoughts to drink and tricking yourself into thinking that it's the same as thinking about doing anything. (I think about taking a drive down to Florida all the time, but that does not mean I'm going to do it - example) And those thoughts about drinking only last a few minutes so if you can get passed them by keeping busy doing something else, then you are on your way!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Welcome NoTears!
I can't tell you the number of times I woke up with bruises. No idea how I got them. I'm surprised I'm still here to write about it. It got really bad towards the end. I can also relate to the feeling of panic if I was running low on alcohol. Risking life and limb to make sure I had enough to last me for a few days.
Thank goodness that insanity is behind me. What a relief to wake up and remember everything I did the night before. You can do this NT! The support here is fantastic. If you've been drinking 2 bottles of wine a night I suggest you visit your Doctor for some advice.
Best Wishes To You
I can't tell you the number of times I woke up with bruises. No idea how I got them. I'm surprised I'm still here to write about it. It got really bad towards the end. I can also relate to the feeling of panic if I was running low on alcohol. Risking life and limb to make sure I had enough to last me for a few days.
Thank goodness that insanity is behind me. What a relief to wake up and remember everything I did the night before. You can do this NT! The support here is fantastic. If you've been drinking 2 bottles of wine a night I suggest you visit your Doctor for some advice.
Best Wishes To You
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: directly above the center of the earth
Posts: 71
Update to my 2-day old best friends. How weird.
I drank tonight, didn't want to post, but that would have been cheating. Honest, I would have left you all alone if nothing happened, but I am responding to the "keep posting" messages (slow learner too, W) - and fessing up.
I feel crappy about my decision, but I'm not going to dwell or agonize or castigate myself, so I don't need to be sweet-talked out of a tree or anything (at least not tonight). I'll just reflect. And sleep.
Tonight the host (not a drinker) picked what is apparently the only other restaurant in town that does not serve (EVEN THE CAB DRIVER WARNED US NO BOOZE - SINCE WHEN DO THEY EVER CARE?), but she felt the need to buy wine to bring to restaurant *sigh*. There were 2 bottles and 10 glasses for 10 people (are you kidding me?). I tried to say "No No No", but it was served with fanfare and toasting and even my MUSLIM friend bugging me to drink with her, I finally just said f*&^ it and drank it down because I felt I was causing too much scrutiny (okay, correct that last sentence. It was because I'm an alcoholic).
Sounding suspiciously like my first post a whole 48 or so hrs ago, I immediately wanted more, eyeballing the empty bottles and considered asking host TO GO GRAB A FEW MORE FOR DINNER! Same insane irrational thoughts, with one stupid little glass. Even had a fleeting thought of A COUPLE GLASSES AT THE HOTEL BAR - WHY NOT when everyone else went out for a walk and I came up to post to SR & hit the pillows. Some lonely little smart brain cell snuffed those thoughts out quickly - but they still arrived. With a few glasses in me there wouldn't have been a smart part, so I guess the "God Shots" are still active. Lots to be thankful for.
Thank you all for your comments - they break my heart too. and thanks tjp for the compliment - you don't know how long that will warm me. Eremc, great advice about driving to Florida. I have thoughts about quitting my job but that's flat out not possible - good analogy. Opivotal, congratulations on being bruise free. I've been blaming my technicolor wonder on the cat for 2 days. Everyone else, thank you. I wish you all good sleep and a hangover-free morning!
I drank tonight, didn't want to post, but that would have been cheating. Honest, I would have left you all alone if nothing happened, but I am responding to the "keep posting" messages (slow learner too, W) - and fessing up.
I feel crappy about my decision, but I'm not going to dwell or agonize or castigate myself, so I don't need to be sweet-talked out of a tree or anything (at least not tonight). I'll just reflect. And sleep.
Tonight the host (not a drinker) picked what is apparently the only other restaurant in town that does not serve (EVEN THE CAB DRIVER WARNED US NO BOOZE - SINCE WHEN DO THEY EVER CARE?), but she felt the need to buy wine to bring to restaurant *sigh*. There were 2 bottles and 10 glasses for 10 people (are you kidding me?). I tried to say "No No No", but it was served with fanfare and toasting and even my MUSLIM friend bugging me to drink with her, I finally just said f*&^ it and drank it down because I felt I was causing too much scrutiny (okay, correct that last sentence. It was because I'm an alcoholic).
Sounding suspiciously like my first post a whole 48 or so hrs ago, I immediately wanted more, eyeballing the empty bottles and considered asking host TO GO GRAB A FEW MORE FOR DINNER! Same insane irrational thoughts, with one stupid little glass. Even had a fleeting thought of A COUPLE GLASSES AT THE HOTEL BAR - WHY NOT when everyone else went out for a walk and I came up to post to SR & hit the pillows. Some lonely little smart brain cell snuffed those thoughts out quickly - but they still arrived. With a few glasses in me there wouldn't have been a smart part, so I guess the "God Shots" are still active. Lots to be thankful for.
Thank you all for your comments - they break my heart too. and thanks tjp for the compliment - you don't know how long that will warm me. Eremc, great advice about driving to Florida. I have thoughts about quitting my job but that's flat out not possible - good analogy. Opivotal, congratulations on being bruise free. I've been blaming my technicolor wonder on the cat for 2 days. Everyone else, thank you. I wish you all good sleep and a hangover-free morning!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
not drinking takes a lot of work sometimes NT...but I've never regretted it.
I used to be terrified of being seen as different - now I couldn't care less - I know I'm true to myself.
if you really want to change things, you'll get there too...
It really is a good place to be
D
I used to be terrified of being seen as different - now I couldn't care less - I know I'm true to myself.
if you really want to change things, you'll get there too...
It really is a good place to be
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
At least you have the courage to admit you drank and come back, that is something I know most people cannot do. I waited til I was ready to stop again before posting.. usually a couple weeks. LOL I'm counting on this time being the last "Day 1." and so on.. Day 4 at 1:04am for me.. I'm hurt and I want to drink .. but I'm alone in my house. Not out like you were. I can say that probably would be difficult for me to do.
Someone here had said that when you're in social situations and you're early in recovery, make sure you already have a drink in hand. Ask for a soda or juice before you sit at your table.. something like that. Then you will already have your evening drink. Or you could turn down the wine glass and ask for a cup of coffee or tea. I know it's hard when you see the lush burgandy wine in front of you.. how ironic, I used to be the "lush" .. now the wine can be the LUSH!
It happens, though, so don't beat yourself up over this. Just get back on track and come up with a new plan for when you go out. Hope you feel better tomorrow!
Someone here had said that when you're in social situations and you're early in recovery, make sure you already have a drink in hand. Ask for a soda or juice before you sit at your table.. something like that. Then you will already have your evening drink. Or you could turn down the wine glass and ask for a cup of coffee or tea. I know it's hard when you see the lush burgandy wine in front of you.. how ironic, I used to be the "lush" .. now the wine can be the LUSH!
It happens, though, so don't beat yourself up over this. Just get back on track and come up with a new plan for when you go out. Hope you feel better tomorrow!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: directly above the center of the earth
Posts: 71
eremc - aww, thanks for being positive when I see you are hurting. I guess the fact that I am highly suggestible is good - all the "keep coming backs" work. And I probably would have just disappeared too. Guess I'm on day 0.3...
D - great goal - and I can see it. But right now my perception is that even being perceived as having a problem - let alone just admitting it - would be professional suicide. I wish there was just one person in my field who admitted it. I can't be the only one.
D - great goal - and I can see it. But right now my perception is that even being perceived as having a problem - let alone just admitting it - would be professional suicide. I wish there was just one person in my field who admitted it. I can't be the only one.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
whatever your profession is, I can guarantee you're not NT
Everyones journey is different - but there's always a lot of dense undergrowth to get through til we find ourselves clear and free to take that leap - but keep your eyes on that goal NT - you'll get there..as long as we never give up we can never lose
D
Everyones journey is different - but there's always a lot of dense undergrowth to get through til we find ourselves clear and free to take that leap - but keep your eyes on that goal NT - you'll get there..as long as we never give up we can never lose
D
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
Sounds like a lot of time and effort went in to that decision to drink (I don't mean this at all sarcastically). Was it worth it? Did you get anything out of it?
These are some things I had to really contemplate when I was still drinking.
As for the biz thing, you would be surprised how many people can hide it as well as you can.
Thinking of you with much love and care. Hang in there!
These are some things I had to really contemplate when I was still drinking.
As for the biz thing, you would be surprised how many people can hide it as well as you can.
Thinking of you with much love and care. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
NT glad you shared and hopefully you will wake up and start fresh again. Took me quite a few tries to get it but the fact remains - never giving up is crucial.
I have learned not to give a flying care what others think about my drinking. I had plenty of folks around me who knew I was over doing it but guess what? I was the first person they would call when they were upset and wanted to go out and get trashed.
Its a journey that is for sure but take from this and move on. You can do it and it is so nice not to have hangovers here too...I don't miss those days
Looking forward to your update NT!!
I have learned not to give a flying care what others think about my drinking. I had plenty of folks around me who knew I was over doing it but guess what? I was the first person they would call when they were upset and wanted to go out and get trashed.
Its a journey that is for sure but take from this and move on. You can do it and it is so nice not to have hangovers here too...I don't miss those days
Looking forward to your update NT!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: directly above the center of the earth
Posts: 71
D, Bella, Kim, oh you are so right about others. I'm just too chicken sh*t to be the first - not until someone guarantees me a job, and there are no guarantees in life! I'm kind of scared someone will find out about this forum, as I rely on it and you daily lately.
Jeez, if we were rich celebrities we could go spend months in detox learning to live (no offense to any celebs out there...). This has probably been proposed, but do you think anyone would be interested in a "Biggest Quitter" reality show? Still such social stigma. And no, Bella, it was SO not worth it. Not physically, not emotionally, not self-esteem-ally.
New data out about how much Americans drink and binge drink - this is self-report general population, mind you, but reports are increasing. But guess what? Compared to state liquor sales, only about 20-25% of what is sold is being reported as consumed.
Thanks, you guys. This place is better than therapy. Traveling is much less drama today, and that feels nice. The airports and planes have been full of that dense undergrowth. Lots of craving/habit etc thoughts as this day progresses, but at least I now recognize them (am slightly amazed), and say "NO! Thanks Eremc.
Now to start strategizing for day-to-day home life, mostly my arch-nemesis: work and the couple of hours after leaving it.
Best thoughts for the things going on in your lives now. I wish you happiness.
-NT
Jeez, if we were rich celebrities we could go spend months in detox learning to live (no offense to any celebs out there...). This has probably been proposed, but do you think anyone would be interested in a "Biggest Quitter" reality show? Still such social stigma. And no, Bella, it was SO not worth it. Not physically, not emotionally, not self-esteem-ally.
New data out about how much Americans drink and binge drink - this is self-report general population, mind you, but reports are increasing. But guess what? Compared to state liquor sales, only about 20-25% of what is sold is being reported as consumed.
Thanks, you guys. This place is better than therapy. Traveling is much less drama today, and that feels nice. The airports and planes have been full of that dense undergrowth. Lots of craving/habit etc thoughts as this day progresses, but at least I now recognize them (am slightly amazed), and say "NO! Thanks Eremc.
Now to start strategizing for day-to-day home life, mostly my arch-nemesis: work and the couple of hours after leaving it.
Best thoughts for the things going on in your lives now. I wish you happiness.
-NT
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 651
, Bella, Kim, oh you are so right about others. I'm just too chicken sh*t to be the first - not until someone guarantees me a job, and there are no guarantees in life! I'm kind of scared someone will find out about this forum, as I rely on it and you daily lately.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I have to admit that I am confused.
Your profession requires you to drink?? That's really strange. I've worked all my life and I've never known anyone whose profession required them to drink. And, if it does, then maybe it's time to rethink your job situation.
I hope you find your way NoTears. We are here for you!
Your profession requires you to drink?? That's really strange. I've worked all my life and I've never known anyone whose profession required them to drink. And, if it does, then maybe it's time to rethink your job situation.
I hope you find your way NoTears. We are here for you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: directly above the center of the earth
Posts: 71
Sorry to be confusing about the job issues.
Many REQUIRED garden parties, receptions, and dinners. Don't like sodas - and always been one to "drink free wine". Like so many others, I am brilliant with 1 or 2 people and freak out with more. BUT I have the job that supports my family. Not so easy to find these days.
I think alcohol helps a the mandatory socials, , but even if it does, I hate it. Just got a job review as "a dependable colleague" due to attending such social events.
I miss my young jobs - waitress, checkout, copy editor. Off to bed now to quit whining. I am blessed to have this job, and to live in this country, in this place. I awake and give thanks for the soft bed and clean sheets and the climate that is controlled with a button.
My best thoughts are with you all. Your choice.
sorry to ramble - thank you all.
Many REQUIRED garden parties, receptions, and dinners. Don't like sodas - and always been one to "drink free wine". Like so many others, I am brilliant with 1 or 2 people and freak out with more. BUT I have the job that supports my family. Not so easy to find these days.
I think alcohol helps a the mandatory socials, , but even if it does, I hate it. Just got a job review as "a dependable colleague" due to attending such social events.
I miss my young jobs - waitress, checkout, copy editor. Off to bed now to quit whining. I am blessed to have this job, and to live in this country, in this place. I awake and give thanks for the soft bed and clean sheets and the climate that is controlled with a button.
My best thoughts are with you all. Your choice.
sorry to ramble - thank you all.
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