How many here, have a partner/wife/hubby still drinkin everyday even though you Quit?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: uk
Posts: 464
How many here, have a partner/wife/hubby still drinkin everyday even though you Quit?
The reason i ask,how tough do you find having booze around you everyday/night, watching your other half slowly start slurring words, and becoming overly repetitive, them still living the life, you left behind/trying to leave behind.. any tips for coping mechanisms..stayin on the gameplan?
cheers,
Kerb.
cheers,
Kerb.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
Me. I just try to keep my side of the street clean and keep out of his. If his behavior is wonky, I detach.
I don't know if I'll be able to keep this up forever though. Maybe I will, maybe not, maybe he'll decide to change.
For today I am OK and I'll be OK until I am not and then I may have to make a change for myself.
I don't know if I'll be able to keep this up forever though. Maybe I will, maybe not, maybe he'll decide to change.
For today I am OK and I'll be OK until I am not and then I may have to make a change for myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 17
I used to think that's what co-dependency meant - but I guess that would be more like "dual-dependency?" ;-)
My wife and I pretty much grew up together (met at 15) and learned to drink together. She is able to quit sooner than me and not get out of hand, but she still drinks more than what is healthy and am hoping she will quit or cut way down after seeing I am committed to this.
I'm finding the worse part is the smell - you don't realize how much you wreak when you drink that poison.
My wife and I pretty much grew up together (met at 15) and learned to drink together. She is able to quit sooner than me and not get out of hand, but she still drinks more than what is healthy and am hoping she will quit or cut way down after seeing I am committed to this.
I'm finding the worse part is the smell - you don't realize how much you wreak when you drink that poison.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
<raises hand>
When I met my husband in 1991, he drank. For approximately 17 years, I drank with him. Then, I quit. I'm the one who changed, not him. I can't expect him to change just because I did. I liked what Bellakeller said about keeping her side of the street clean. That's sort of what I do. I let him tend to his drinking, and I tend to my not drinking.
Right now, his drinking is bearable to me. He is never mean or abusive. In fact, I can rarely even tell he's been drinking. He probably has about 4 drinks over the course of the evening on week nights. On weekends, this might be more like 8 drinks over the course of the day. Granted, I'm not sure how much he drinks. I'm just guessing. I refuse to play alcohol police. I just can't do that and keep my sanity.
However . . . if Husband were drunk (and unbearable) every night, I might have to reconsider my stance. Because I'm not in this situation, I am not sure what I'd do. I know I can't "make" him quit drinking. If it was too unbearable, I might have to leave the relationship. Again, I just don't know.
The only direct advice I can give you is tend to your own business. Don't clean up after any drunken messes (either physical or emotional) your spouse makes. When she's drunk, and, if it bothers you, stay away from her. Of course, this may lead you to assess how much of a relationship you're really having, but you have to cross that bridge when you get to it.
(((kerbcrawler)))
When I met my husband in 1991, he drank. For approximately 17 years, I drank with him. Then, I quit. I'm the one who changed, not him. I can't expect him to change just because I did. I liked what Bellakeller said about keeping her side of the street clean. That's sort of what I do. I let him tend to his drinking, and I tend to my not drinking.
Right now, his drinking is bearable to me. He is never mean or abusive. In fact, I can rarely even tell he's been drinking. He probably has about 4 drinks over the course of the evening on week nights. On weekends, this might be more like 8 drinks over the course of the day. Granted, I'm not sure how much he drinks. I'm just guessing. I refuse to play alcohol police. I just can't do that and keep my sanity.
However . . . if Husband were drunk (and unbearable) every night, I might have to reconsider my stance. Because I'm not in this situation, I am not sure what I'd do. I know I can't "make" him quit drinking. If it was too unbearable, I might have to leave the relationship. Again, I just don't know.
The only direct advice I can give you is tend to your own business. Don't clean up after any drunken messes (either physical or emotional) your spouse makes. When she's drunk, and, if it bothers you, stay away from her. Of course, this may lead you to assess how much of a relationship you're really having, but you have to cross that bridge when you get to it.
(((kerbcrawler)))
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I have no direct experience with this KB but I know a lot of people here deal with this kind of situation and they manage their own sobriety so it's not a dealbreaker. You'll always find support here - and yeah, maybe post in the FF forums for another perspective as well.
I agree with the other folks who suggest you set boundaries for yourself - let your wife get her own wine and clean up her own messes, mate.
D
I agree with the other folks who suggest you set boundaries for yourself - let your wife get her own wine and clean up her own messes, mate.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
My hubby still has the occasional drink, nothing like when I was there to drink with him! he has really been supportive....he has been drunk maybe twice since I've been in recovery....and once I left, the other time he just went to bed...alone.... I'm very serious about my recovery..he if chooses to be a party drinker, then I draw the line...I would have to leave him...simple as that...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: England
Posts: 196
I don't have that problem because my partner has Cirrhosis of the Liver and gave up drink as soon as he found out months ago, we were so shocked when he was diagnosed because he was a damn good worker and had a few beers before going to bed each Night, he never drank nearly as much as me and yet my Liver is fine! ( Just goes to show )
There is NEVER drink in my home now so I don't even drink alone anymore but I never drank in front of him before I gave it up, he works away from home so I done it then! I believe in supporting each other so that was one good reason for me to stop completely!
There is NEVER drink in my home now so I don't even drink alone anymore but I never drank in front of him before I gave it up, he works away from home so I done it then! I believe in supporting each other so that was one good reason for me to stop completely!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Montreal
Posts: 19
I have been struggling with this as well. My BF is a heavy drinker and of course I was always along for the ride and didnt complain. Now that I am trying to get sober I spend less time with him and find it is MUCH easier not to drink when I am not with him. It really makes me question what good the relationship is for me . I really want to clean up my act and if it means separating myself from him then so be it .
Time to be a little selfish for well being
Time to be a little selfish for well being
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NorthWest
Posts: 117
My wife still drinks, but moderately... 1 maybe 2 drinks a day. She has been supportive of me and had offered to stop drinking if it would help me. I decided that this was my problem, not hers and decided to let her keep drinking. At first it was hard just having the booze in the house, but now (11 months later) I hardly notice it. Like Dee said, it's not a deal breaker.
BBR
BBR
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: warming up
Posts: 114
hubby drinks everynight also. He has slowed down since I am not sitting in shop drinking with him. We always had a rule no booze in house. Crazy I know!!! He is not mean and when he starts to slurrrrrr I go to bed. I do agree that S_ _ _ stinks now. I take it one day at a time because that is what it is.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
My husband and I were drinking buddies for 30 years. I quit 2 years ago. He still drinks. Nightly.
Now. Do I like it, hell no. Has it changed our relationship? Absolutely.
Bottom line is, I love this man. He's never physically or mentally abusive. Which doesn't make it right, but does make it bearable.
He's not the only person in my life who is a heavy drinker. The entire family...well, I'm not going to go there. My point is...we all do what we need to do. I'll never use his drinking as an excuse to start it up again. But, maybe he'll use my sobriety as a reason to quit.
Whichever way it goes. I love this man.
Now. Do I like it, hell no. Has it changed our relationship? Absolutely.
Bottom line is, I love this man. He's never physically or mentally abusive. Which doesn't make it right, but does make it bearable.
He's not the only person in my life who is a heavy drinker. The entire family...well, I'm not going to go there. My point is...we all do what we need to do. I'll never use his drinking as an excuse to start it up again. But, maybe he'll use my sobriety as a reason to quit.
Whichever way it goes. I love this man.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
It was very difficult at first. Much easier now, as I type she's making her one tall white wine spritzer... I hear the ice drop in the glass... now it's just another sound she makes as she lives her life. She works hard, job, kids, house... I'm gonna turn in now.
It's different, sure... but when she used to be pouring her one and only, I'd be on my... well... by now, I'd usually have lost track how many.
Live and let live. She is the love of my life and I would not trade her for anything.
It's different, sure... but when she used to be pouring her one and only, I'd be on my... well... by now, I'd usually have lost track how many.
Live and let live. She is the love of my life and I would not trade her for anything.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
My hubby maybe had a glass of wine 2-3 times a year. Now, nothing, because I'm sober.
He has been so supportive and has stood behind me and my drunken self when he could of walked out that door many times.
So glad he stayed.
Have friends that drink and it doesn't bother me, I just say goodnight, when the party gets out of control. I rather not be around anyone that drinks.
Funny how it has changed now that I'm sober.
When I was drinking, I went where I knew there would be beer, my drink of choice.
He has been so supportive and has stood behind me and my drunken self when he could of walked out that door many times.
So glad he stayed.
Have friends that drink and it doesn't bother me, I just say goodnight, when the party gets out of control. I rather not be around anyone that drinks.
Funny how it has changed now that I'm sober.
When I was drinking, I went where I knew there would be beer, my drink of choice.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
My wife of 39 years still drinks and smokes. I still drink but quit smoking. She is normal and has two drinks in the evening. If I get thirsty I drink too, just not alcohol. When I told her what I was going to do (Detox and counseling) she volunteered to only smoke outside which she does, but now and she is bragging about how much that helps her cut down, and how our place doesn't stink of tobacco like when we both smoked inside.
She never tried to be my mommy or nag but after I quit she told me how worried she had been for my health. We both understand co dependency and are normal in that department.
Even though I drank a lot I rarely got slurry or changed much from being a nice honest guy with a sense of humor. I don't think she would have stuck around had I made my problem hers or threw myself self pity parties.
I guess she was in the position of the ladies who said their guy was alright but they are concerned for them, yet know well enough that they can't change another. That is up to each.
When I was in training to become a counselor we had an inside joke that applies here.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Only one, but it really has to want to change!"
Twenty years ago I quit smoking for 18 months and she smoked right near me inside all that time and that had nothing to do with me. I didn't preach or mention it. What got me back to smoking was a dumb thought one day, and I bummed a smoke "just to see what it would feel like again." As if I didn't already know what they were like from the thousands of cigarettes I smoked before. Within a week I was back up to two packs a day. I learned a valuable lesson that time. Which is working now. I didn't quit thirty times and fail in between, and it took alcoholism to get me motivated on both. But I am cheating this time and using the nicotine patches so I can succeed with both at once.
I look at it this way. If I loved peanuts but became allergic to peanuts and would get very sick and eventually die if I ate them, I'd have no problem with her eating them in her chair in front of me. It is my problem not hers!
It is the same with her drinking her two and smoking outside.
When you think about it we are exposing ourselves to thinking about it when we come here too! Especially with those that regret not having fun as if alcohol was fun for an alcoholic. The most boring evening I ever spent was one time when I voluteered to be the designated driver. What they found hilarious was pretty dumb when sitting there sober. Then trying to get them all to call it a night because we all had to work the next day was like trying to herd cats! I will be a recovering alcoholic for life, and will never worry about second hand smoke after the decades I got it first hand, in rehab I even went on smoke breaks with my friends. Of course we all were sober. No problem.
But for some it would be a problem. We each became alcoholics differently in different places, with different careers and status. Regardless, we ALL have in common that we progressed to the point that the dis-ease of drinking far outweighed anything we got from it.
Many will have in common a longer time dealing with their own issues, and need more space than others, and less exposure in person. Here however we can talk about it as at AA meetings. Because of the social stigma attached to not being able to control it, rarely is it a comfortable topic anywhere else.
Here we are all in the same boat. And not marooned alone.
She never tried to be my mommy or nag but after I quit she told me how worried she had been for my health. We both understand co dependency and are normal in that department.
Even though I drank a lot I rarely got slurry or changed much from being a nice honest guy with a sense of humor. I don't think she would have stuck around had I made my problem hers or threw myself self pity parties.
I guess she was in the position of the ladies who said their guy was alright but they are concerned for them, yet know well enough that they can't change another. That is up to each.
When I was in training to become a counselor we had an inside joke that applies here.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"Only one, but it really has to want to change!"
Twenty years ago I quit smoking for 18 months and she smoked right near me inside all that time and that had nothing to do with me. I didn't preach or mention it. What got me back to smoking was a dumb thought one day, and I bummed a smoke "just to see what it would feel like again." As if I didn't already know what they were like from the thousands of cigarettes I smoked before. Within a week I was back up to two packs a day. I learned a valuable lesson that time. Which is working now. I didn't quit thirty times and fail in between, and it took alcoholism to get me motivated on both. But I am cheating this time and using the nicotine patches so I can succeed with both at once.
I look at it this way. If I loved peanuts but became allergic to peanuts and would get very sick and eventually die if I ate them, I'd have no problem with her eating them in her chair in front of me. It is my problem not hers!
It is the same with her drinking her two and smoking outside.
When you think about it we are exposing ourselves to thinking about it when we come here too! Especially with those that regret not having fun as if alcohol was fun for an alcoholic. The most boring evening I ever spent was one time when I voluteered to be the designated driver. What they found hilarious was pretty dumb when sitting there sober. Then trying to get them all to call it a night because we all had to work the next day was like trying to herd cats! I will be a recovering alcoholic for life, and will never worry about second hand smoke after the decades I got it first hand, in rehab I even went on smoke breaks with my friends. Of course we all were sober. No problem.
But for some it would be a problem. We each became alcoholics differently in different places, with different careers and status. Regardless, we ALL have in common that we progressed to the point that the dis-ease of drinking far outweighed anything we got from it.
Many will have in common a longer time dealing with their own issues, and need more space than others, and less exposure in person. Here however we can talk about it as at AA meetings. Because of the social stigma attached to not being able to control it, rarely is it a comfortable topic anywhere else.
Here we are all in the same boat. And not marooned alone.
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