NEOMARXIST

Throughout my recovery then things have just suddenly came to me where it just sort of hits me and I'm like, "man I've never quite thought of it like that". It maybe that I've thought of it lots of times before but it doesn't quite register so profoundly and deeply. It's really difficult to define what I mean and there really aren't words to describe it. It's nothing cheesy or anything but rather just a deep, warm feeling about how you're starting to really understand things about yourself in a much deeper way and it feels good. I can't help but smile.

I got this today whilst driving to University in the car just really enjoying listening to my music and singing along and then it just finally clicked about how one of my traits is that I'm a real worrier. My mind is naturally one where it worrie's about things. This is compunded by slight OCD tendencies and repetetive thoughts. Thus alcohol was so appealing as it just literally stopped the worry and the OCD/repetitive thoughts patterns and intrusive thoughts that I naturally get. With my mind like that then I was always going to be a prime candidate for alcoholism when alcohol worked so magically temporarily!

'One day at a time' and 'just for today' helps me so much. Though it's very personal then also I have noticed the HP aspect of my recovery becoming more prominent and it helps me also when I'm starting over think and worry. The HP thing is something which I don't need to think too deeply about as it's a great way of taking my self-will alcoholic egocentric thinking out of me. Like if I am feeling really good then by saying thank you to the sky or whatever takes my own ego out of the situation. Keeps me grounded and down to earth where I like to be. It's like not giving my own ego it's fix or anything but rather just keeping at one with gratitude with nature and the world and universe and my place within it.

It's amazing that recovery is literally nothing about alcohol or drugs, bar the obvious. It's about living my life in a way to feel how I want to feel, overcoming anxieties and worries naturally without a chemical crutch to bring me down and destroy the real me.

Peace

Lenina

Neo,

I think this falls under the "more shall be revealed" part! Amazing isn't it how something will just suddenly become clear or have a more interesting meaning? I love that stuff! Thanks for sharing.

Love,

Lenina

LaFemme

That's awesome Neo! I was talking with my Coach the other day and she said something that I thought made a lot of sense....it was that worry runs constantly in the backgrounds of our minds, but there isn't anything we can do about worry. We can only take action on the things we worry about.

oak

I love what you wrote. For me too, I think alcohol was a way of trying to decrease anxiety and worry. I suppose I worried about the alcoholism- but I did not worry about things that I would have normally worried about.

For me, recovery is about finding ways to live a life that is truly enjoyable and worthwhile. Like finding more things that I enjoy doing. And finding ways to lessen the anxiety, etc.

I love the 'one day at a time' concept too. It lessens my worry. Otherwise, I worry about what will happen in a year or so.

Vanilla28

haha i know exactly what you are talking about. since i quit, my anxiety has been cut off at the knees, i just thought about it today and was like 'hey, i havent felt that in a while' and enjoying things like driving with the sun shinning and with a smile on my face. just at peace with myself and everything.

Eddiebuckle

Neo, thanks for the post. I have had the same experience, moments of simple clarity that absolutely blow me away. I still don't profess to understand my HP, but I think I now know why they phrased it as they did: "came to believe that a power greater greater than myself..."

Thanks again for sharing.

Edd

artsoul

Sounds just like me, Neo. I have those oppressive thoughts (OCD) off and on, and used alcohol as a "mental vacation," or so I thought! And the sudden insight - I had forgotten that I used to have that stuff all the time and now that I'm sober, they're back. Yea!

I think it's a spiritual connection (to self, others, HP) - really. I think we're able to tap into another kind of energy/wisdom that we can't while we're in the throes of addiction.

Thanks so much for the great post - you always make me reflect on my sober in such a powerful way!

HideorSeek

Neo, there is a quote that I can't put my finger on right now, but the gist of it is:
You cannot stop the birds from flying around your head
But you can prevent them from making nests in your hair!

Aint it the truth???!!

NEOMARXIST

Thanks everybody for your replies and 'thanks'. It really helps me to share where I'm at and the beauty about SR is that you people understand! That's what's so great about recovery imo. Like if I wasn't an alcoholic then I would never have been introduced to this lifestyle in recovery of AA and SR + other stuff too. It has totally reshaped my life and the way I live it and I'm totally happy with me as a person now and the path I'm on. Still lots of work to do but like I always say then it's a daily work in progress, but at least I'm progressing at last again, rather than going backwards and down lower and lower.

I am making sure that I 'bank' all of this good feeling and happiness inside so that in the tough, stressful days ahead then i can work through, use my tools and use all of the stored previous good feeling that I gained in recovery thus far. I ain't projecting and I'm living one day at a time but i think that by accepting that stress and anxiety will be felt at some point makes it easier to deal with as it doesn't overwhelm to the point of breakdown! ha-ha.

It's all good and today has been a great day that would never have been possible without my sobriety and recovery and also without AA and SR. So I am just so grateful.

I was only thinking about where I was 15 months ago and it was low. I was struggling to even make picking up unemployment benefit and was going to just give up on that. I remember having to do a mini exam because of how long I'd been unemployed and it was literally like age 4 maths. I rememeber just feeling totally and utterly demoralised and worthless. I remember thinking how the hell it had come to this and that my life was over.

Had I have picked that first drink up again over the past nearly 15 months then who knows where I would be now but I know I wouldn't be feeling like this. Prison, Institution or dead most probably with no hope.

I know I used to drink to try to feel 'happy' but realisticaly when it gets to the stage where alcohol and drugs is the only way you can feel happiness then alcohol and drugs ain't going to be making you happy anymore, that's why it's even more tragic.

Thanks SR, peace

Hudstar

Nice one, Neo. Just what I needed to read today!

Peace indeed, bruv.

Toronto68

I love More Shall Be Revealed stuff. Sometimes it's chilling, but usually it's fortifying. And you just see the caboose of agony.

BurningChrome

It's post like these that keep me coming back here daily!!

..Mike

Cottonwoodchris

Yeah, this exactly. Neo, your posts and "musings" have brought such a different angle to my life, I cannot describe. And I agree, 110%, that the clarity of thought that has come along with my sobriety increases every day.

I find myself at work at times, out of the blue, thinking "wow, that is so simple, why didn't I think of that before! (does that describe it?)" A great way to start my morning. Thanks Neo!

Kjell

Neo - I always enjoy reading your posts and this one was no exception.

I know exactly what you mean. These "A..ha! moments" are so interesting to me b/c they always seem to come after-the-fact. What I mean is all of a sudden, we realize something that has been going on for a long time.

All we had to do was remove the alcohol and work 12 simple steps.

Viva recovery!

Kjell