T1pp

If it wasn't for alcohol, I would be completely alone in this world. It's either my friend on the nights that I spend at home by myself or its the common bound between my actual friends and me. Without it, I would have nothing to look forward to at the end of the day and no reason to interact with the people I call friends.

It's not their fault. They like to go out and enjoy themselves. The thing is that they can drink two or three nights a week and abstain the rest of the week. I can't. I don't think I've gone without at least one drink everyday for the last 10 years.

What makes it even harder is that I don't experience the problems that others do. I never get really drunk, do things that I regret, have bad hangovers or trouble at work. Most of the time, I don't even take my first drink until nine or ten o'clock at night. When I do, I drink about 1/4 to 1/3 of a bottle of whiskey.

I know this doesn't sound like much as far as alcoholism goes, but it is for me. About two years ago, I had open heart surgery to replace a bad mitral valve. Because of this, I suffer from very mild congestive heart failure. Also, I take lipitor which means that I have to have regular liver function tests. Those have indicated that my liver function is a little high. So between my liver, the chf and the blood thinners, I should not be drinking at all.

I've tried to quit several times over the past year or so, and have found that no alcohol equals no sleep. I need that time on the couch with television and a glass of whiskey and to feel the relaxation wash over me with each gulp. Without that, I pace the floor, think, and worry too much.

I'll be forty years old in a couple of months. I've never been married and have only had a few really serious relationships. It's not that I'm unattractive. I'm told all the time that I'm very handsome. And since I've always looked ten years younger than my real age, I'm well above average when compared to my late 30's/early 40's peers. I've just never been able to adjust to domestic life whenever I've tried. The only reason I bring that up is because I can't help but think that if I wasn't alone, it would be much less scary to live without alcohol. But I know I'm horrible at long term, committed relationships and I don't need to ruin someone else's life at an age when we don't have a lot of time left to make mistakes. And that's what I would be--some poor woman's mistake.

Anyway, I don't know why I came to this board today. I know I'm not going to quit--at least not now. But I do need to start thinking about it. Well, good luck to everyone here. I hope you can beat what I'm not even strong enough to fight.

Lenina

T1pp,

Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm sorry you're struggling. Have to considered talking to your doctor about detoxing? There's meds you can use for a short time to help get through the withdrawals and help you sleep the first few days. I really recommend that.

I've been sober now for over two and a half years. I'm feeling so much better. The consequences of drinking just got to be too high for me. We don't have to live like that, you know.

You'll find lots of support and some very good advice here. Again, welcome!

Love,

Lenina

blackstrat6

Welcome to SR t1pp! A lot of us can relate to your story here.
Have you considered some sort of recovery program? Do your Doctors know of your drinking habit? They should be able to help if not.
I was single for many years and was not happy in any relationship while I was drinking. I have found if you make the changes you need, you will find something you never thought possible. On the other hand starting a relationship while you are drinking can really turn into a trainwreck! I think there is no possibility of happiness with somebody when we are not happy with ourselves first.
You will get a lot of wisdom here and we're glad you found us and posted.
Hang tight!

BurningChrome

T1pp, they now sell, and most insurances cover it, a home INR blood test machine to check your blood INR level's once a week or so (with only 1-2 drops of blood!). Google "home INR testing" and you will see a ton of hits. Many people that could use this are unaware of these home testing machines, my wife has been using here for 3-4 years now! Look into it!
Best regards,
..Mike

LaFemme

Welcome T1pp! I had the hardest time quitting because every time I tried I had terrible insomnia. Guess what, after a couple of weeks sober I began to sleep really well...I now get the best sleep of my life! I also drank because I was alone, and because I couldn't stand my own company...now I can. Life can be so much better than what it is for you now.

Of course, if someone had said that to me 3 months ago I would have laughed in their face.

Dee74

Hi T1pp

welcome

Alcohol was my full time companion - for me it was first thing at morning and last thing at night...it was medicine, it was reassurance, it was security...at least it was, until it stopped doing all those things quite as well.

I was terrified to try sobriety. Even tho I was pretty unhappy I didn't want to change, I didn't want to lose 'me'...but I was dying by degrees. I needed to take that leap of faith.
The folks here helped me do that

I've been sober for nearly 4 years now - quitting was the best choice I ever made - I found a life, and a me, I never dared dream existed.

I hope we see you again

D

Juneof44

hey T1pp;

Man, I think you will find that everybody here is willing to listen and try to understand. At least in one iteration or another, we all have similar experiences. Our common addiction is what really holds us together. I'm a newbie to sobriety myself, but so far, more than anything else, this place has been a lifesaver for me. I hope to see you back! It's never to late to change...

doggonecarl

T1pp, hope you find the strength to live a sober life.

T1pp

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. There is a little more about my relationship with alcohol. Several years ago I went through a period of very deep depression. I may still be a little depressed today, but nothing like I was then.

Back then, I felt unattractive, completely worthless, and no hope for the future. I was drinking the better part of a liter of whiskey a night. If I do have liver damage, that's when it happened. It got to the point where I had to do something or end it all. I'm not really a suicidal person, so I did something else instead. I quit my job, moved to a new city, and faked my way into a new career. It actually worked out. Although I was still drinking and very depressed, things slowly got better to the point where I was successful at work and felt good enough about myself to date and have a social life. I drank, but I felt like I had more control over it.

Then I met her. We were a perfect match and thus we were so completely wrong for each other. Two alcoholics, depressed and out of control. Early on we spent all of our nights and money staying out late drinking heavily and watching bands because she couldn't stand my old drafty apartment. Then we bought a condo together and our money went to a mortgage and domestic stuff. That's when we found out that we couldn't stand each other unless we were drunk and around other people. We fought constantly and had to buy more than a couple replacement sets of dishes because they were always being thrown at my head across the dinner table and shattering against the wall behind me.

During that time I began to despise alcohol. I knew that it was source of all the unhappiness and strife in my life. Whenever she came home with her nightly two bottles of wine, I wanted to take them and smash them in the sink because I knew they meant I was an hour or so away from being screamed at by a drunk crazy woman. While she started drinking more, I cut way back just to spite her. She would get so mad when she would reach for a glass of wine and I made myself a cup of herbal tea. Eventually though I couldn't resist having a drink and I would sneak out to the local bar whenever she sent me on an errand.

All that being said, I still loved her. It was late winter and Ash Wednesday was only a couple days away. I told her I was giving up alcohol for Lent (I forgot about this in my original post). My hope was that she would join me, but the first thing out of her mouth was, " I hope you're not expecting me to quit too." I made it three weeks but broke down the first day that it started to feel like spring. I was sitting at the bar in a restaurant waiting on our carry out to be ready and the song "Jane Says" came on and for whatever reason it made really want to have a beer. I did and that was it--the last time I've been without alcohol except when I had heart surgery.

A couple months later at the end of May, I almost died. Over the course of a weekend, I gained nearly twenty five pounds in water weight and went into third degree heart block. At the hospital, they told me that my mitral valve was almost non-functional and had to be replaced. There were some complications, but I made it through them and returned home three weeks later. The day they brought me home, I was so tired and in so much pain and just wanted to rest, but her and her mother decided to both get wine drunk in "celebration." I was so angry but too weak to say anything about it. I just took my meds and asked them to take me upstairs where I could lie down. The rest of the day I fumed as laid up there listening to them "party" down stairs.

Needless to say, our relationship didn't last much longer. We decided to end it but she had no where to go, so we agreed that she could stay in the condo for the time being. I was in an MBA program and in class every night until 9:00 PM, so it really didn't bother me since she was passed out drunk by the time I got home every night.

She finally moved out that November. I still had a year left on the MBA, so my drinking remained "under control." This is the period where I learned to resist alcohol until right before bed. Since I was in class and had to be at work or studying when I wasn't, I learned to become very disciplined with my drinking--no alcohol until everything that needed to be done was done. It became my well deserved and well loved reward. This is how it remains today.


In December, it will have been a year since I finished the MBA. I still haven't found a better job or increased my income, but I hopeful that more opportunities will come around as the economy improves. In the mean time, I've been making up for lost time and running with a group of friends that love to party and go out. I've actually been pretty happy.

But then you have a day like today when you get a call from your doctor telling you that your liver function test came back high (but stable, thank God) and that if you're drinking, you need to stop because it can cause serious problems for someone with my condition and taking the medication that I'm taking.

My God, what am I going to do if I can't drink!?

suki44883

You're going to learn to live without it and in the process, find out that you have been letting your "real" life slip away while you spent so much time drinking. You can do it, but you are going to need help. Reach out for that help and you can succeed.

FizzyWater

One of the things I had to do was learn how to live again without alcohol, sure the first couple of weeks were tough physically but that passes. The weird bit and the bit that takes time is learning how to cope with everything else.

Everything I did over a 15 year period was geared round being able to drink every day, takes a lot of time to change that train of thought.

I've been sober nearly 2 1/2 years now, just the other day though I was driving past the shops and checked my watch to see if I was able to buy booze or not, I just smiled to myself and carried on but the thought was stll there none the less.

I now have lots of new friends to replace the empty drunken nights, lots of new activities and above all I feel well again.

Doesn't happen overnight I'm afraid though, you have to decide whats right for you and then settle down for a long journey, it does get easier every day though.

Hope it goes well for you

Dee74

You'll never know if you never try and find out T1.

no, it's not easy - but I've been given a new life...that alone was worth all the effort - and more besides.

D

Eddiebuckle

God, can I ever identify with THAT statement. Drinking was my whole identity, my fortress in times of stress, my joy.

Perhaps if you don't drink you'll discover that the demons you've been trying to outrun aren't real. That was the case for me. Life is a bit more complicated at times without what I thought was my liquid fail-safe, but I have found this sober life to be more authentic, relationships more meaningful, and most importantly - I do have serenity. From where I was one year ago all of this would have sounded like a collossal pile of BS, but it is true. I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for T1pp, but I can guarantee you that you won't find it in a bottle.

Edd

LexieCat

Well, you pretty much have a couple of choices. You can keep drinking anyway, and perhaps experience a slow alcoholic death. I've seen someone almost die of liver failure due to drinking. It isn't a peaceful slipping away, let's leave it at that.

You can grit your teeth and try to quit on sheer willpower and think every second how miserable you are without a drink. That doesn't sound real pleasant, either.

OR you can commit to a healthy recovery program that includes a design for living, which will make it possible to enjoy life without having to drink. AA's Twelve-Step program can completely change your life, IF you are willing.

Why not check out a few meetings and see what you think? The people you meet are not miserable and unhappy (well, not the ones who have truly recovered, anyway). Seems to me you have little to lose but an obsession that could kill you.

justjo

HI t1

I read your post to the end. You sound like a very intelligent, honest and motivated person. Your story sounds similar to my dear sister.
Myself and one of my sons were looking at old photo albums last night, we were laughing and remembering the good old times. Some of the photos made me sad. There were photos of my sister there and it got me crying. She passed away one year already next month. I cant believe it. One year already.

My point is that time flies, life goes by and memories are precious. She died from liver failure due to alcohol (it is on the death certificate). I keep telling myself this didnt happen, it shouldnt of happened but it did. You just think it will never happen but it does.

You have the desire, you have the motivation at times, ask yourself what you really want, can you be strong enough to beat this monster?

I think you can, as I said you sound like a wonderful person who just needs to believe in yourself.

JJ

ElectroHouse

T1pp,

The sleeping problems you describe and the thoughts of "what I'm going to do if I don't drink!". I felt the exact same way. I honestly didn't think I would ever have fun again without alcohol. After having some time sober I began to realize I was having more fun without alcohol than with it.

Also, while drinking I could never fall asleep without having a few drinks to "relax" and "calm my mind". I sleep better now than I have in years.

I wish you the best

least

Welcome to our family. I had to make a lot of changes in my attitude and how I lived my life, but the effort and sacrifice have been rewarded many times over with a more joyous and satisfying life than I'd thought possible.

I would urge you to ask your doctor for help in getting thru the physical withdrawals. Your sleeping will get better but it takes time. I hope you choose a sober life. It never ceases to amaze me how much better my life is without drinking. Yours can be too.

Dee74

The choices in sobriety are a little more varied than gritting your teeth/ miserable on the one hand and AA on the other t1

Here's some recovery links if you want to check them out sometime
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

D

Anna

I agree completely with Dee - there are many roads to recovery, and you might take a look around here and you'll find lots of information.

And, I also couldn't imagine what I would do if I wasn't drinking in the evening, or how I would cope. As Dee said, you won't know unless you try. I am glad that you found us and are looking for information, and we are here to support you if you decide to live a sober life.

LaFemme

Look how much support you have already:-)

One thing to add...you. call alcohol your well deserved reward at the end of the day...alcohol isvpoison...it comes in an appealing package but itvis poison nonetheless ...so you reward yourself by poisoning yourself.
There is an amazing. documentary called Rain in my heart...its on YouTube...you might want to check it out.