Ronan

So as some of you know I recently relapsed. The hangover is almost 100% finished and I'm back in college going to my classes(although I've a lot to catch up on.) I've beaten myself up about it all weekend and I'm still utterly ashamed and disappointed with myself.

I've been thinking about what made me relapse. It's safe to say that the seeds were sewn about 2 months ago.
My sobriety had four things going for it - Eating well, exercising, good company of non drinking friends, and a program of recovery (which for me was AA).

When all 4 things were being taken seriously I was unstoppable. About 2 months ago I started slacking with the gym. Which in turn caused my eating to go back to it's old ways - which is under-eating. Without both of these my energy levels began to subside/depression levels rose and I just wasn't bothered actively participating in my program of recovery. Now I was tricked into thinking this was fine, because I didn't drink for another 2 months...but I can honestly say this is when my brain turned back to it's old ways. Back into the dark places where selfishness and bad feelings are all that's left.

Slowly over the next 2 months I began to start missing calls from good friends, skipping engagements and this of course lead to me losing the last link I had to my sobriety. I went out with people from my new college and of course ended up drinking for 3 days straight.

So now I have to begin the journey again; let this be a warning to anyone who is finding themselves in the place where I was 2 months ago. This isn't a fun place to be in now, so if you find your program is becoming more of an afterthought than a central part of your life then take two steps back and ask yourself why - and then do something about it.


Like someone in AA once said to me, "I've never heard someone come back from a relapse and say 'you guys don't know what you're missing, it's great fun back on the drink'"



Regretfully,
Ronan

AmericanGirl

(((Ronan))). I'm glad you're back, and I thank you for the thoughtful post.

least

I too am glad you're back on the wagon. I have to make my recovery my daily priority or I will lose all I've gained. It helps me a lot to express my gratitude every day for waking up sober and at night for staying sober that day.

Just being thankful for my sober life goes a long way in maintaining it.

SSIL75

Welcome back Ronan. Glad you're back on the right road. You have your work cut out for you in some ways (age, location) but you're doing great.

NEOMARXIST

Hey man. I'm pleased you're back and hopefully your drinking didn't cause too much irrepairable damage. LIke you have worked out then relapse happens way, way, way before the act of taking that first drink again. That is why keep in contact with other alcoholics and addicts daily here on SR, keeps it real and keeps it fresh in the mind and reminds me each day of the reality of where picking up would take me again.

I know for me that my recovery is abolsutely central to my life and I really do live my recovery actively each day. I truly belive that it is very much a daily reprieve that an alcoholic can enjoy providing they put the necessary work and play the game in relation to practicing their chosen recovery program. Just my view on the matter.

I really love my recovery as it's given me a totally different life and mapped out a totally different direction for my life to go in. A direction which I am happy about and feels right.

I always carry with my every thought that I'm an alcoholic and addict and this is one of the most powerful tools that I have in my recovery armoury, particualrly in the situation you describe. I am ever aware that the other students aren't alkies and druggies like me. I took more booze and more drugs than thay probanly will in a lifetime! ha-ha. I'm pleased I did that as well as that was my journey and it gives credibility to where I'm at now. I know I'm an alkie and a drug addict so taking that first drug just simply ain;t an option. It really hasn;t botherd me so far at all, in fact quite the opposite, as I only went into my chosen subject because of how I really loved my recovery and everything that entails. I am ever grateful for being an alcoholic and addict as without that then i wouldn't have gained the wisdom and tools from all of the great people who I've met at AA and SR.

I have no shame in telling people people what the score is with myself if it arrises. I lived the crazy life and it nearly killed me and so I have got to see both sides. I am grateful for that.

All The Best mate and make sure to stick like glue to recovery. Like you say then for an alcoholic then drinking ain't like it is for most normal people. I read last in the BB the chapter A vision for you and that pretty much sums the reality of where drinking took me to in the opening paragraphs.

For me then I have always saw the relevance in HALT (Hungry, angry, lonely, tired) but to be honest then my recovery really ain't fundamentally geared around exercise or eating habits. I class that as more lifestyle choice and wouldn;t keep me gratefully sober in the long-run. For me it is the totally altered attitude/psychic change that I'm grateful to have gained in my recovery.

All The best mate and it's good to be able to have someone on SR in a situation starting University etc.

Peace

artsoul

Hi Ronan - that's really good that you can see how you slid down into your drinking again. Sure there's disappointment in yourself, but just think of all the times you didn't have to be disappointed because you had stayed sober. I don't believe any of us gets up in the morning and decides we want to be an alcoholic. So don't be too hard on yourself.

I know that I only have a daily reprieve from drinking as long as I do something to maintain it. For me, SR is perfect - it's convenient and reminds me of all the reasons I want to be in the world of recovery.

A lot of us have been right where you are and started again. We're all behind you!!!:day6

ozgoddess

Welcome back Ronan

I will echo artsoul here and say that it is great that you have worked out what triggered your relapse. It's great that you are on the road to recovery again!

However, and this is just my opinion, as an addict I believe we can always come up with a million and one excuses to drink/use which is why, as others have said, that sobriety is paramount. I will never become complacent and think that i am "cured". Although picking up is the last thing on my mind these days, I also know I am only one drink away from a full blown relapse. Regardless of all the "distractions" I have in my life to keep me sober - I have also needed to learn to like myself as I am, so that if I have none of those distractions to keep me sober - I still have the new me that I like. I hope that all makes sense? LOL

Don't beat yourself up too much about the relapse, it is important to look forward again. You know how to do this.

Anna

Hi Ronan,

Glad you're back!

I know that, for me, balance is crucial to my recovery.

Recovery has become part of my daily life and I try to do something physically, mentally and spiritually each day to help me to connect with myself and stay balanced.