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Old 10-04-2010, 07:50 AM
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Bob
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Hello Again...

After a summer of the same ole same ole after my initial post here, I finally had what I hope is that event which finally motivates me to never have another drink ever again.

Saturday we attended a party for my Mother-in-law's 60th birthday / retirement, held at a hotel. We were planning on staying the night, but our dog became very ill last week, so we didn't want to leave him alone all night.

We left our house at 5:00... after i had already drank 8 beers. I told my wife all along that I was driving home, I wanted her to have a good time, and she did, and consumed a number of drinks herself. I actually ate dinner, and had seconds, which lately has been somewhat rare while in the process of drinking... so I figured that cancelled out the beers I had before we left. I felt totally fine the whole night, but never spent more than 10 minutes without a beer in my hand. I don't know how many I had, I really don't think I want to, but I never felt drunk.

Anyway, we left the party close to midnight, I felt totally fine, and began the 25 minute drive home. Shortly into it my wife noticed I was not driving well at all, swerving out of my lane. I denied it at first, and then told her I would try harder, we're OK, she was drunk too. Well, when I missed an exit, an exit I have taken 100's of times, I realized something was wrong, really wrong. I couldn't focus, I couldn't concentrate. I immediately pulled over, and while not the best answer, my wife did proceed to get us home safely, even though she was probably legally drunk too.

The fact that I had my two daughters, 4 and 7, in the back, just scares the living hell out of me.

The fact that I didn't feel drunk scares me more.

I think what happened to me is what happens more often than not lately when I drink a lot. My body begins to shut down, and I pass out asleep wherever I may be.

I told my wife everything, admitted to my problem, she had a pretty good idea already, she sees the recycle bin (although doesn't always see the cans I throw in bags in the garbage can). She was quite happy that I admitted to it, and admits that she shouldn't drink as much either, she has a medical condition where she really should only have a drink or two per week. We both realize that we were quite lucky nothing bad happened.

I had such a hangover yesterday (even let my Browns ticket go to waste), and lately hangovers are rare for me, which proves that I had way too much to drink, especially given the fact I was driving my family.

Today is Day 2 of my sobriety. I realize that I can't think about if I can keep this up for years, months, or even weeks. I need to take it one day at a time. I will think about the weeks, months and years once they're behind me.

Thanks for listening,
Bob
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:05 AM
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Welcome, Bob. Right there with you on the journey.

I have driven drunk and would do so because it was important for me to "prove" I was OK and not really drunk! Boy is that screwed up. I can relate to what you are saying.

The last time I drove drunk, I hit an animal. I am fairly certain that if my reflexes had been sharper, I would have been able to slow down in time. I am a huge animal lover, and this was really upsetting to me. I freaked out and my friend (who was also drunk but could see how much more dangerous my emotional state was making my driving) wound up driving the rest of the way home.

What are you doing to help yourself in recovery?

Good luck to you!
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:27 AM
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Bob
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Thanks for your reply, from a fellow animal lover. After finding out our dog has cancer, I felt the need to drink even more... its been really hard on all of us.

But come on, who am I kidding, if he came back with a clean bill of health, I would've drank to celebrate.

You ask a good question, one that I don't have a good answer for. My wife asked if I felt the need to go talk to someone other than her, and/or if I wanted to consider getting evaluated for anti-depressants.

I don't know if that is something I need or not. I don't "feel" depressed, but I honestly don't know what depression feels like.

The good thing is that I have no problem going days without a drink. Its the weeks thing that has been an issue.

Reading and posting here has really helped in making this decision to quit rather than cut down.
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:51 AM
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Ha, you should have been at the AA meeting I attended last night! There were many people in the group who were laughing about all the times in the past they thought they could control their drinking, or that they were fine because they made it X amount of time without a drink, so they weren't "real" alcoholics. Sounds like you are coming to recognize yourself clearly.

It's quite possible to have a serious and dangerous problem with alcohol even if you are not depressed. I have suffered from depression in the past; I am not depressed at this time, but I still need help with the alcohol problem. For me, AA was a place to get started on my recovery. I don't know yet if it will do it for me or not, but it has helped and not been harmful.

I recommend reading a lot, too. I have read a bunch of books on getting sober, personal stories of alcoholics, AA's Big Book, and many articles online. I read the sad story of Audrey Kishline who founded Moderation Management and later wound up killing a father and daughter when she was driving drunk. I read and read and eventually had to take some kind of action -- for me, it was going to an AA meeting. Otherwise I was just going to stay stuck in my head, with the same kind of thoughts that got me into this problem in the first place...

Like you, I have no problem going days without a drink. But it doesn't matter how long I go without one; what matters is what happens when I *have* one. It's taken me a long time to understand that alcohol really doesn't affect "normal" people like it affects me. It makes me feel good, happy, energized, more in control. Most people it makes feel *less* in control, slows them down, and eventually makes them feel sick. Not me -- whee!

It can't hurt to go see a doctor, although many doctors seem to still be very ignorant about alcoholism. Case in point was a guy I met the other night who shared the story of how he was sober for something like six months and reported this to his psychiatrist. He said he was thinking about having a beer just to try it, and his shrink said, let me know how it goes. So he had one beer, and it went fine, and his doctor said "Well, the world didn't end, did it?" Nine months later he was back in the hospital and back in rehab.... I wonder whether people who don't have an alcoholic brain, no matter how educated they are on the topic, can truly understand what it is like to want to drink the way I like to drink.

I'm glad you're here. Keep posting and let us know how it goes for you.
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:51 AM
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Originally Posted by racinstalldev View Post
After a summer of the same ole same ole after my initial post here, I finally had what I hope is that event which finally motivates me to never have another drink ever again.
Bob, with over 12,000 alcohol-related traffic fatalities a year, what you encountered could be considered a small miracle. Make the use of your second chance.
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:52 AM
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Amazing how alcohol will make us put our most valuable things in life in danger (wife and kids). Glad you made it home OK, but glad you also realize how bad it could have been.

Welcome to a new life of sobriety and good decisions. If you find this site isn't enough, maybe check out the friendly people in AA.
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Old 10-04-2010, 10:33 AM
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Thanks everybody for your thoughtful replies. I just had another long talk with my wife, who is being nothing but supportive to me, and we agreed that I should call my doctor to let him know what I'm doing.

I'm not scared about not having a drink today, but I am stressing about activities out with friends in the future. I've always used alcohol as a social crutch, ever since I was 16 I would drink to gain the courage to overcome my shyness. Back when I was dating, I had to have a few to calm the nerves before picking her up. Before my wedding... yep, we all had a few, seemed like a fun thing to do.

And good point about reading all about alcoholism, the things I've read here have got me to admit I have an issue, and have also helped in bringing it up to my wife. I knew she knew, although I don't know if she knew the true extent of it. I think I told her 20 times after we got home safely Saturday night that I can't have even one drink, ever. I'm not the type to have one or two and stop. Not possible.

Now that I've told somebody beyond the anonymous community here, I'm much more committed to making this important change, and will keep posting and reading.

Thanks again,
Bob
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Old 10-04-2010, 11:11 AM
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I hope you do!

I can relate to everything you are saying. I don't know if you ever tried going to an AA meeting before, but I would highly recommend it, if only so you can see how many other people out there have had exactly the same experiences and fears. I was very hesitant to go to my first meeting, but if I knew a week ago what I know now, I would not have been. If you search for "first AA meeting" on Google (this forum won't let me post the link), the first hit provides a lot of useful information on the subject

In-person help also helps break down denial very effectively. I tried to quit drinking with the help of reading and the Internet previously. That didn't get me anywhere! There's a saying, no one is too dumb for AA to help them, but some people are too smart -- that applied to me for years. I always thought I was smarter, healthier in other areas of my life, than anybody who is an "alcoholic" and needs to go to meetings with a buncha drunks. Turns out a lot of alcoholics think that -- -- and the recovering ones *used to* think that.
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Old 10-04-2010, 01:31 PM
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Bob, welcome and you have plenty of support here.

It goes without saying here - Thank God no one was injured and you all got home safely.

Alcoholism is progressive and I found towards the end that I would pass out constantly, have massive anxiety and my body just didn't seem to handle it too well. Of course years of boozing will do that.

I focused purely on the day and sometimes hours at first. I made sobriety my focus and I got into recovery. There are many options out there for you so do some reading and find one that will work.

With recovery, I was able to kickstart a positive life in all aspects. I found it to be a journey and one I am working on each day. I no longer think of drinking or if I am in a bar or any place where alcohol is because I know now how much of a better person and how great my life is without it.

Keep sharing and looking forward to the journey.
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Old 10-04-2010, 01:54 PM
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Welcome back Bob - I'm glad noone was hurt.

I hope this event can be the turning point for you - please do follow through...you might at least want to speak honestly and openly with your doctor about your drinking - maybe they can suggest a few ideas of where to go to from here?

D
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Old 10-04-2010, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by racinstalldev View Post
I'm not scared about not having a drink today, but I am stressing about activities out with friends in the future.
Then you don't go! Simple as that. I don't know how far in the future you are talking about, but in the near future, as you focus on your recovery, you may have to take a hiatus from social activities that could trigger drinking. Later on you might not be so stressed and will feel comfortable ordering an ice tea or whatever. Or maybe these are activities you may never resume. That's your call. But you don't change your life without making some changes in it. Good luck.
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Old 10-04-2010, 03:45 PM
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Welcome back! I too am glad you and your family are safe. That could have turned out very badly. Congrats on deciding to live a sober life. The rewards are worth the effort it takes.
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Old 10-04-2010, 03:46 PM
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Welcome, and congrats on a smart move. It sounds as if your tolerance is increasing, which isn't a good sign. "Feeling drunk" is what protects a lot of normal drinkers. They don't like the dizziness, the disoriented feeling. Heck, that's what most of us go for, and as long as we aren't "feeling it" we just keep chasing it.

I second the idea of checking out AA--I find it is a wonderful plan for living. I also second the idea of maybe adjusting your social schedule for awhile. Once you are solid in your recovery, you can go anywhere you like and be around booze and it won't bother you. Early on, though, it can be kinda tough.
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Old 10-04-2010, 08:05 PM
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Bob
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Still hanging around here, some great replies to ponder. Its been just about 48 hours since my last beer, and while i did have a bit of a craving late afternoon at work, hunger overtook it, and a big dinner got rid of the crave totally.

My wife scheduled a dinner out with another couple or two for Saturday, but keeps asking if I'm sure it would be OK. I keep saying yes, I need to begin living my life without alcohol, but after reading some of your advice, I may be second guessing.

I already have my reply when the ones who always see me with a beer ask why I don't have one. "Health issue". If they press... I'll tell them high blood pressure (true, it was 140/100 2 weeks ago) and a bloodwork that came back a bit off (haven't had it checked in 3 years, but I will be going soon).

Sometime in the future I may spill my guts to my close friends, but am not ready for that just yet.

I am very fortunate that nothing bad happened on that drive home. I know that. I feel horrible about it now, I don't even want to imagine how bad I would feel if something had happened.

As for AA, I honestly don't know that I could do that right now. I realize that even though its based around religion somewhat, you don't have to be religious for it to work.

But I am just so very shy in a strange setting all alone with strangers. I will keep it under consideration, for sure.

I will say that reading all of your posts here has been helping me a lot, and I'm sure will continue to do so.

Thanks again all,
Bob
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Old 10-05-2010, 03:56 AM
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Good morning Bob,

Well done for another day sober!

Keep in mind that while alcohol is a major topic inside your brain, especially right now, most people at social events (unless they too have a drinking problem) aren't going to care whether you drink or not. "Normal" people just don't -- and you may get some compliments for taking care of your health. I spent a lot of time getting worked up about how to "defend" my not drinking to others before I realized that it's a big deal to me but not to many others.

There really is no religion in AA. There's even a whole chapter in the book about agnosticism and atheism, and how sometimes people from those backgrounds have greater success with AA than those who subscribe to a particular religion -- you can probably find this online. Also, there are two parts to AA: there is the "program" (working the 12 steps) and then there is the fellowship (going to meetings, which may or may not have anything to do with the 12 steps at all). You can do the latter without "joining the program" or identifying as an alcoholic or anything at all, other than having a desire to stop drinking. I say this because it sounds like you might be able to benefit just from sitting in a room with a bunch of people who have this problem in common with you.

Believe me, I am incredibly shy too (in school I was so quiet I hardly even talked). I used alcohol for years to compensate for that. And it turns out a lot of other drunks do, too! When I finally got the courage to go to a meeting, it was only because I knew I could sit there and not say anything. Yet it helps me enormously to hear other people who have struggled or are struggling with the very same things that go on in my brain. It helps me to see people who have been worse off than me and realize that if I go back to drinking, their life could be mine. And it helps me to see the number of people who have been sober for a year or more, not just not-drinking, but living happily.

Hang in there. We're in your corner.
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Old 10-05-2010, 04:17 AM
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Hi Bob - we're in the October group together and I was just reading your story. Thanks for posting it. We all learn from each other.

I just want to say (about your dinner date Sat. night) that this is exactly the situation that sabotaged my September sobriety date! I thought I was ready, that I could excuse myself from drinking, but the peer pressure was more than I could handle and I didn't dare say, "I've quit drinking". These were people I work with 10 hours a day so they know me very well. I want to be much more secure in this process before I try a situation like that again. I am taking the advice of everyone here and putting my fragile newborn sobriety ahead of everything else. I had to decline happy hour for tomorrow evening with a group of my best girlfriends and I will attend an AA meeting instead.

See ya 'round! Have a great day!
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Old 10-05-2010, 07:25 AM
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Hi Caribbean,

You make a very good point about me being pretty much obsessed right now about not drinking, yet others won't think twice about it. I may get a bit of ribbing, but thats OK.

I've actually spent my morning thinking about activities to do that don't involve drinking, activities that I've avoided due to drinking. The list is long and quickly getting longer!

As for AA, I agree that its great to see others who are ahead of me in their recovery, and to hear their stories. So far SR has been just that for me. I was in the chat room for over 2 hours last night, and got some great advice. I know its virtual instead of face to face, but it definitely helps.

And congrats to you on another day sober!!!
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Old 10-05-2010, 07:30 AM
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Too bad you cannot make that dinner date this weekend. Why don't you spend that time with us instead?
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Old 10-05-2010, 07:34 AM
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Bob
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Hi Tjp613,

When I quit smoking five years ago I was in a forum similar to this, and it was so helpful to have what we called "quit buddies" from the same month... congrats on your progress!

Its good to know about your experience, I'm still on the fence about Saturday. I strongly suspect they will be nothing but supportive, but still... I don't know that I'll want to risk an almost 7 day sober period.

Bob
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Old 10-05-2010, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by racinstalldev View Post
As for AA, I agree that its great to see others who are ahead of me in their recovery, and to hear their stories. So far SR has been just that for me. I was in the chat room for over 2 hours last night, and got some great advice. I know its virtual instead of face to face, but it definitely helps.
Any source of true support is valuable; good for you for seeking it out! And so glad you are receiving it. For me, face to face (whether AA or another source) is usually more powerful than virtual support, although both definitely have their place in my life. Or else I wouldn't be here now!

Hope today is going well for you.
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