stanleyhouse

Wow, what a day. I met a woman from my neighborhood about two weeks ago. We hit it off because we were both recovering alcoholics. I have a year and she had nine days, this time. She is staying with her aging mother and I was looking forward to a new sober friend within walking distance. Today was the first time she called and I was glad to hear from her. She was distraught on the phone and asked me to come over and look in on her mother. She told me she had not been drinking but upon arriving it was obvious she had been and continued to drink while I was there.
I feel so new at helping others and a little overwhelmed, so I just listened. Finally I decided to take her to my house to get her away from the booze because I didn't want to be around while she kept drinking and I wanted her to sober up a little. I am reading Under the Influence and it says when the alcoholic stops drinking coordination, etc. becomes worse. I think that is what happened. In the end, she tried to swim in my pool while the guys were here closing it for the season. She took off her clothes and I had to gently restrain her so she would not jump in the pool. I think I handled the WHOLE situation wrong. Should I have stayed with her while she was drinking? Brought her to my house? Any advice? I like her and foresee a friendship but I am not sure how to deal with an intoxicated person.
Also from the book, it mentions nutrion and how important it is for us get enough of the proper foods and vitamins. Malnutrition likes to lead us back to the booze.
SH

Impurrfect

(((Stanleyhouse))) - it sounds like she's not "done" drinking yet. I'd be very leery of starting a friendship with someone who's still drinking. It's highly recommended that people, new to recovery, seek out friends with someone of the same sex...she needs to find female friends in recovery. One thing can lead to another and YOUR sobriety may be at risk, as well as any chance of her getting help.

Personally, I understand why you brought her to your house (I'm a recovering addict AND a recovering codependent (codie), but in the future, I wouldn't do it again. She has to find her own path to recovery, just as you had to find yours.

I've got 3-1/2 years clean, and I just don't like being around people who are under the influence, any more. I can be with friends who have "just a few" and don't get sloppy drunk, but don't even go around THEM that much. I definitely don't hang around with anyone who's doing crack (my DOC), and had to "shut out" a friend of mine, when he got on it. I told him I cared, that I was still his friend, but would not associate with him while he was still using. I try to find friends that are on the same wavelength I'M on...clean, and loving life (most of the time)

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

stanleyhouse

Amy,
Thanks for your quick response. I am a female. I had a hard time finding a member name and went with the name of my house so I could remember it.
I am not around people who drink very often and this is the first time I have been with someone who was drunk. You are right, I have had no desire to hang out with "drinkers" and this has been easy for me since none of my friends drank. I guess getting involved with other people in recovery was the first time I was around alcoholics. It didn't work well in AA and the people I am close with are sober as long or longer than me so I haven't seen them in active alcoholism. When I decided to get sober I was what you would consider a late stage alcoholic so I new all about my own hell, mental and physical but I am still learning about alcoholism. I think you are right about keeping my distance. I told her not to contact me unless she was sober, so we will see what happens.
thanks

Impurrfect

((SH)) - oops! Sorry for assuming you were a guy

I think you did the right thing. We DO want to help out other's who are struggling, but it's a fine line when you're not sure if THEY really want it. To me, she's not at that point yet. I hope she gets there, soon.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

smacked

Honestly, I cant be friends with active addicts/alcoholics.. my sobriety and my serenity are just too important to me, one of many boundaries I had to put in place in my life to stay as healthy as possible.

Kitey

Im the same, I have kept away from all my Drinking Friends and have really enjoyed the start of my new life. Nothing will make me go back to the way I was even if that means hanging around with Just myself!

Dee74

Hey SH

Helping folks is about the best thing we can do I think

but I think its also important, when helping folks, especially fellow alcoholics, that we know what our boundaries are and we stick to them.

I think you need to think carefully about where this relationship should go from here.

Decide what you want to be to this person, decide whats acceptable behaviour to you and what's not - and let her know, as gently as possible, what you decide

D

Squizz

"Call me when you're sober." Click.

I've heard of one guy drinking again after three and a half years of sobriety because he tried to 12th step somebody by himself. Don't expose yourself to that. People who deal with those types of situations are usually paid.......paid pretty handsomely. Don't jeopardize your own sobriety. Sometimes, being selfish is necessary. I'm not saying not to talk to this lady at all. Just not when she's drunk. You're not her psychologist.

Anna

I agree that you might want to make some boundaries for yourself, involving this person.

LaFemme

Ouch, I feel so bad for her...I would want to help her as well...but I agree with everyone else, you need to protect yourself first.

stanleyhouse

I agree with all of you. I hope I made it very clear today when I told her to call me when she was sober. So, if she remembers anything about today hopefully it will be that I was kind but firm. I haven't gotten any drunken calls tonight and I wouldn't answer them if I did, so I assume she's ok and got the message.
I was sharing this event with my husband and thinking Holy Crap! Today was suppose to be my relaxing, take care of myself day. Now I am just shaking my head wondering if the pool service guy will ever come back to my house.
As I hit a year sober...what a reminder of where I don't want to be.
Thank you all for your support.
SH

Kmber2010

Sh....I too want to help others and especially since I know now all the joys of sobriety. I find that reaching out and letting others know I am there for them is a great thing. Like others have said....I do have a line that I do not cross and that is about safeguarding my sobriety.

For me, I can show others the way but it is on them to start the journey. If someone is still drinking and isn't ready to change (I know because that was me for way too many years) that all I can do is say I am here....when you are ready....I will be there for you.

All the best.

stanleyhouse

My neighbor called me yesterday, she was sober and we had a good conversation. Today she called me drunk, begging me to come over. I dropped by and left some books for her to read. She was passed out so I didn't talk with her.
I caught myself wanting to drive to the liquor store and payoff the owner so that he would stop selling to her. My irrational reasoning was that she doesn't drive and can't get it anywhere else, oh and he is an honest business person. What's wrong with me, I know she has to want to get sober herself? But I also know family and friends have to let the alcoholic know that they are not alone in the struggle. Unfortunately, her family doesn't seem to care.
I want to help her but I don't know what to do. She is much older than me and in such denial. She keeps saying she knows more about recovery than I do, more about depression. I want to tell her she is not working recovery if she is drunk, she is not active in her life. She is argumentative, whereas I am not. My hope is she will go back to AA and find a good sponsor. But I don't know her history with the local AA, she has been in and out of that room a lot.
I just had to get all of this out.
Thanks
SH

Dee74

It's hard to watch I know SH.

But I have to remember my own descent - nothing or noone could have done anything to sway me or stop me before I was ready to change.

If someone had paid off my local store (assuming they went for that- which is very very unlikely) I probably would have taken their business to Fair Trading, and walked to another store, no matter how far away.

We all have to reach our own bottom....it's a necessary part of recovery, however hard it is to watch.

You've left her books - she knows you're in recovery. The next step is hers.
I'll pray your neighbour gets 'there' safely and soon

D

firestorm090

When we're walking on slippery slopes, it's much easier to fall on our a$$.

She sounds like a very slippery slope to me, so hold on for dear life and maybe hook your anchor to a tree so you don't slide down with her. Misery loves company and all that, ya know.

littlefish

There are some suggestions in AA for 12 step visits: one suggestion is to not do them alone.
It doesn't sound like she is finished drinking. If she is not finished drinking, many of your efforts to help her may end up being codependency: and, being codie to her is not good for you or for her.
It sounds like you mean well, but, unless she really wants to stop drinking and start working a program again, you really can't do much to help her.

stanleyhouse

I know I can't help her. I suspect this will be like the last time, where she will reach out and I won't respond beyond what I did today. I wrote in a book, to call me only if she was sober. That is the message I relayed n Oct and I heard from her in Jan. Thanks for listening and responding.
SH