milwaukeeguy85

Well the main depressing issue with me is that my sex life has pretty much been built through the bar. Granted booze usually starts those relationships and is the catalyst for the end of them, but that is what is getting to me the most. It seems a lot of people on here are married or have kids etc, where myself and some other people are in a different situation. I just got out of an 11 month relationship (met her at a bar of course) and now I do not have the slightest clue how to meet women without booze. I think that will be my biggest obstacle in recovery. I am pretty sure that is the reason I got so depressed on Saturday and Sunday night. I was basically the type of guy that would be shy in college, but once I got to the bar and got a bit of liquid courage I would pretty much get any girl I wanted (for that night at least). I realize this is a rather superficial outlook, but I am being honest. I am a 25 year old man and I have a huge sex drive that will not be satisfied by sitting home on Friday and Saturday night. I also will make no attempt to talk to any woman in an AA meeting, as the focus should be on OUR recovery. I do not want to make overtures that will cause a woman to be uncomfortable at a meeting and stop attending. That is not the type of person I am.

Then again, I want to build a mature sober relationship with someone, but it seems the only place to find girls like that are at a church, and you will never catch me in a second joining any type of organized religion. I realize this post is all over the board, and one thing i have learned on this site is that people usually have a way to clarify what i am trying to express in a concise manner.

I am not sure if the purpose of this post is to whine, express myself, or solicit advice. But any advice or experiences anyone has with this issue would be appreciated. I am on the right path, but my sex drive always leads me back to the bar.

leo21

I think this is a legitimate issue and thx for being real about it. If i were single and at this stage in early recovery I would put relationships on the backburner for a while. I would need to straighten out my own life first, keep my side of the street clean before dragging in another victom....err.....girlfriend into the madness.

3RIVERS

Well, a 25 year old guy with a powerful sex drive isn't all that unusual. Sounds like me at 25. Course a steady diet of porn sure helped fuel that sex drive for me. Compromising my values(the kind of man I wanted to be) when I was drunk sure made me beat myself up the next day too. I'm ten years older now and having to take a good hard look at myself and whats become of my character.
I think it would have a lot easier to take a good hard look at myself back then and really think about my decisions and the consequences. I could have and did meet girls anywhere. It was just pretty hard to get them drunk and in bed when I wasn't at a bar. Today I won't drink, it's day 5 for me. You can do this.

milwaukeeguy85

The whole thing is that i was REALLY good at getting girls at the bar. And generally when I am with women I tend to curb my partying habits until I am single again, then the cycle tends to repeat itself. I have really only compromised one relationship due to my drinking, but she was a full blown drunk as well so the burden is not all mine.

It just sucks having this appetite and knowing all i really need to do is take a trip down the road in time to get a bar stool (I usually met women when they were ordering drinks instead of approaching them like 90 pct of the guys that strike out do), sit there for a couple hours (drinking the entire time of course) and eventually landing either a one night stand, a friend with benefits, or potentially a long term girlfriend. I also realize that is high risk behavior but in all honesty that doesn't bother me, it is just the person I become when I drink that bothers me.Yet it seems so many people like that person until it goes too far.

I am just so conflicted right now because there is only so much porn a guy can watch before he reaches his breaking point. My honest belief is that if women didn't provide sex there would be no incentive to even bother with them. Sure there is a high level of emotional companionship etc once you get to a certain point (i was engaged once, and that ending was really what started this spiral), but relationships usually begin with physical attraction followed by sex (welcome to this generation for you older folks). I know i can make it another week or maybe even a month, but eventually I feel this is overtaking me.

In fact I think the #1 reason I even drink is pretty much because of women. I dated a girl in early college that drove me to wits end but i really cared about her so I would drink. That ended, so I started to drink more. I met the love of my life, she broke my heart, and I went on the biggest downward spiral for about 2 years afterwards. I met another girl and stayed sober for the relationship but she turned out to be a really mean person and basically chose the bar (or another guy) over our relationship. The cycle was beginning to repeat itself until I decided that enough is enough and started posting on here and attending AA meetings afterwards. i do not miss the bar, the drink prices, having to go outside for a cigarette every 30 seconds, watching the big game or any of that. I miss the opportunity to meet women plain and simple and it feels every night I am not out, that I am possibly missing that chance. Minor decisions can change peoples lives dramatically.

sorry for the rambling. I guess it is just the way I post.

firestorm090

Alcohol is the ultimate liar, the grand illusion, and the maker of fools.

It fools all of us into thinking we're more attractive, funnier, more desirable, but that's all a lie.

If you stay sober, and do the work to develop as a decent guy who has his life together, you will find that others will sincerely be interested in you. That includes the ladies.

No lady really wants a slobbering drunk breathing on her, much less kissing her, unless she's drunk too, then all you have are two drunk people pretending to be in love for a few minutes of lust.

It's a wonder I still have boths arms, if you know what I mean.

Vanilla28

i was kinda feeling the same way. not the huge sex drive part, but how the heck am i going to go on dates etc and not have that wine with dinner when they are. im single also, and have also had my liquid courage helping me. ive never dated without drinking, heck, ive never had sex sober. the solution for me is that im not even going to think about trying to date or start a relationship with someone right now, even thought at times it can be pretty lonely.

i almost feel like i stunted my 'emotional' growth all these years and now its like im back to being 16 and shy and akward again lol

dont really know where im going with this reply, just wanted to let you know, you arent in the boat alone.

GettingStronger2

Honestly, what you need right now is NOT a relationship. That will not help anything, and i don't care where you meet her -- AA, church, bar, racing track, work, school, wherever. ..

You need to get sober first, if you have a problem with alcohol. You need to work on yourself. Trying to pin your sobriety and health on another person is simply being codependent, and a lot (if not most) of us are. I know I tend to feel I want to go that way.

I want someone else to make it all better, make me better. No one can do that but me.

Supercrew

Meet women at the gym, coffee shop, supermarket, (especially near the beach or college campus), or being that you are 25 at the local community college, (Take some classes if you have to).

Also if you like kids, coach youth sports, alot of single moms around.

I am happily married for going on 16 years, but if I wanted to meet women this is where I would be hanging out. Doing it without booze will be way better long term for you...if that's what you are looking for.

Saliena

Something someone said to me at a AA meeting this weekend...
Whatever/whomever you put before your sobriety is a lost cause... because if you don't stay sobery you are just going to lose it/them anyway.

Made alot of sense to me. I need to be the #1 thing that is most important to me right now. That is really, really hard for me to admit.

milwaukeeguy85

I realize I do not need a relationship right now. But that does nothing for my sex drive, but I will do my best to take this one day at a time like I have been told.

Part of what else pisses me off is that my recent ex is being a bar ***** right now, i just know it and I feel like I am losing to her or letting her get the best of me. Then again that is me being a vindictive person.

my mind is telling me to be sober, but my heart and hormones are telling me that I need to win. It just seems that I hold such a grudge over people that I will not stop at any lengths to make more money than them, to be more successful than them, etc. But the whole thing is during that quest I have managed to make myself more miserable each and every time. I drink to forget about that and fill my mind with some new aimless pleasure (ie bar sluts, cocaine etc) that is surely going to lead me down yet another dead end.

I guess I am just coming to grips with the transition from youth to put up or shutup time. I am not a kid anymore, but I can be as angry and childish as one. Frankly (not to sound like a condesending jerk) I am doing better than a lot of people in this current financial state, nor has anything catastrophic happened emotionally to me in the last year or so. So in comparison to a lot of what i have read on hear I am basically dealing with personal demons as opposed to situational depression or alcoholism. However I just have this hate that I keep in when Im sober, and when I am drunk it comes out 10 fold. The mood swings have gotten really bad lately through a combination of not drinking, no sex life, and just feeling lonely.

Gahh, my head is spinning right now. Ill be back later. Sorry for being such a whiny bitch today.

ps: in response to aehmm- I understand all this. I am not a person that makes excuses for myself. It took me a long time to realize that my situation is MY fault. For so long I hid behind what others have done to me, but i had that realization a long time ago. I have no problem looking within and picking myself apart (i do it too much sometimes). However it is applying what i discover that is the hard part.

littlefish

Sweetie, we all like to find reasons why we drink: you say women and your sex drive makes you drink: I used to say men made me drink. Join the club of reasons.
You can meet women anywhere

When I decided to try and meet men in other places then bars I tried conservation societies.
I was astonished to discover there is a world out there that doesn't revolve around the bar stool.

GettingStronger2

First, its okay to be a whiny bitch sometimes. I know I am! Also, my head is spinning today as well, you are not alone.

BUT, I want to apologize if I said anything off base or out of line to you. Not my intention. I pick myself apart as well, and I thought I knew all the things good and bad about myself. But alcohol really clouded that. And then I quit drinking. And I thought I was better. Fast forward almost 4 months, and it feels worse in many, many ways. Not that I will drink again -- not, I'm done. But it your life starts to become clearer the longer your head is. I didn't think you were making excuses for yourself. I just wanted you to think about yourself first.

My sex life sucks, too. And I'm married. I know you are a lot younger than I am, and a good sex life is important to you. I'm not trying to make light of that. Honestly. You got some suggestions on other places to meet women, if what you want is just to get a little. I guess my thoughts were more directed at the idea of trying to start any type of relationship right now. And be very careful if you meet anyone who is in recovery. Sobriety is fragile -- yours and anyone else's. You may have good intentions, but they don't always work out. Just be careful, is all I am trying to say, even if I am doing a really poor job of saying it.

Hug to you!

Kjell

My man - once you get sober for a while, you're gonna look back at your actions in and outside of bars involving the opposite sex and cringe. I say this from experience.

Trust me - alcohol is the ultimate pretender and those who rely on it (like I used to) are pretending too. I've been there and thought I was pretty darn cool picking up women in bars.

Get over yourself and get working on yourself. All your problems will fall into place.

Antiderivative

Its not your sex drive that leads you back to the bar, but it is fear and feeling threatened that you won't get any unless you go to the bar.

Recovery is learning a new way of life and making life changes is hard. You are going to have to learn new tools. Some of those tools will help you stay away from the first drinks. Other tools that you need to learn is how to meet women sober.

There are plenty of ways to meet women sober. There are online tools (dating sites, meetups, ***** groups, etc), you can join an organization, join a club, take a dance class, approach them through your daily activities, coffee shops, grocery stores, etc.

When I was 25 and sober, I was meeting plenty of women once I learned some new tools. That is was recovery is about; living a new life. However, it requires changes and learning, which is a process and can be difficult at times.

First thing is first. Stay away from that first drink and learn how to be comfortable with yourself.

augustwest

My biggest roadblock to sobriety?

Me

i had to get the hell out of own way and allow a power greater than myself to carry my sorry arse until i started to have some semblance of perspective and priorities, and even then it's my selfish, instant gratification seeking thinking that is the obstacle. i have to daily remind myself to surrender to spiritual principles. sex drive is natural and normal, but the way i was gratifying myself sexually in my addiction was unhealthy for everyone involved.

when i first got clean my priorites, in spite of my thoughts otherwise, were and had to be:

1)don't use today no matter what
2)go to meetings
3)step work
4)conscious contact with a god of my understanding
5)service

that pretty much remains today, but as i learn more about me and begin cleaning up my defects i know that will lead to being emotionally available to have a healthy sexual/romantic relationship. until then, i see it as just another drug and a major distraction for me.

HidLid

Look at it this way: You get the opportunity to learn how to control your alcoholic tendencies and sex drive so they don't control you. Right part of you is self inducing panic about something to get back to drinking. If you really think you can't control your base human instinct perhaps you should seek help out on that too?

milwaukeeguy85

I realize it all comes down to ME being a healthy and clear minded person. And I know this is a process, i just really needed to get this off my chest because I do not think this subject is very appropriate for AA, and I would be completely embarrassed talking to a lot of my friends about this stuff.


Ahemm- I did not for one second think you were personally attacking me or anything like that. I was just pointing out that I came to the realization that you posted.

The thing is, i understand this is an issue of narcissism. For so long I deflected my blame for my problems on others. I guess the point I was making is that if I am going to be weak about recovery, this will be the reason why.

I have had no problem missing the "guys nights" or stuff like that. I personally lost interest in that long ago. It is just knowing I could solve what I consider a need with a simple trip down the road. But.... I want to learn how to live my entire life sober and that comes down to learning how to interact with the opposite sex sober. But my idea of a date used to be "lets go to the bar". I have a LONG ways to go. It is especially hard because I can afford that lifestyle without compromising my obligations (bills etc).

As far as meeting other people in recovery that is a giant no no. It is not fair to me or them as it undermines the entire purpose and creates a crutch and an ulterior motive to quit drinking. I get all this, but i guess like recovery it is avoiding the temptation.

Also-

littlefish- woman dont make me drink. Woman were the catalyst to it all because I hit a minor setback (in the grand scheme in life) and set out to go to as many bars and get with as many woman as possible to get revenge. But they did not make me go to the bar, nor did they tip my head back and pour the booze down my throat, nor did they hit the repeat button for me. that is 100 percent on me. What started out as needing to blow some steam off quickly turned in to a life changing problem. I appreciate your bluntness.

Kjell-
I do not doubt that for a second.

August- I know a girl from college that dates a dude with your exact screen name! I saw it on my "facebook updates" and the name stuck with me since.

Machine528

I honestly believe you should put meeting girls on the back burner. Work on improving every aspect of your life without the booze. If your not already doing so start working out, start reading, become a better cook, become better at conversing, improve your style, travel, see the world, help others, before you know it you will have a ton of skills, knowledge and great sober experiences. In my experience this will increase your self confidence, keep your time occupied and give you a million things to talk to girls about. You have to look at the your desired outcome at a bar. The outcome of you drinking is more self confidence and courage so you can pick up these girls. By improving yourself alittle bit each day your confidence will become permanent and you will no longer need to drink to achieve the outcome you desire.

milwaukeeguy85

hid lid: my sex drive doesn't control me or trust me... I would have been out this weekend. BUT... on the same token I am literally scared to death that I will never get any again. It is a genuine fear i have.

augustwest

augustwest is a character in a grateful dead song and is used by many fans as a symbol of hope and redemption. there's a sober deadhead group called the wharf rats even. wharf rat is the name of the song that august west is the protagonist in.

good luck milwaukee. thanks for your honesty. it will serve you well.