alexvt

I Don't know what happened but I can't seem to stop drinking, not even for 1 day. I have never been this bad. I added it up and my best guess is I have drank at least 15 bottles of (prob more) and 1 bottle of vodka, and prob smoked 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes, all in the last week.
I have maintained, never being sloppy drunk, how is this possible? I have taken care of my child perfectly. I have cleaned as I go, better than when I was sober.
Although i wake up feeling horrible, i punish myself, or reward myself by being organized. I don't allow myself the luxury of complaining.
Don't worry I don't ever drive drunk and my fiance is usually at home if my daughter had an emergency. But he can't even tell when i have been drunk.

This is up there with the longest binge, but also the most productive one,.
I swear I almost feel normal. I know, right?

Have no idea why I am drinking so much..

Just say a prayer for me, or just think about me and wish me well..

Xo- Alexvt/ Beth

alexvt

Sorry I have drank at least 15 bottles of wine...and 1 bottle of vodka

Dee74

Hi Beth

I know you and I know you know you're headed for a fall...

I had periods like that too where I relapsed and I lost all self control and yet it seemed I had my cake and ate it too...all the balls in the air at once...you know it's wrong but you figure what the hell you'll ride it while it lasts....

it's a kind of insanity that feeds on itself....but it never lasts...it can't last because you're never in control when alcohol is in control of you....and the fact you can't stop right now is testament to that.

You're running on luck, Beth.

Break the cycle - now - go to the Dr, go to a meeting, see a counsellor, even just tell your partner...but do something - stop this before you end up in debris and chaos.

D

alexvt

I know Dee, I have no doubt I am lucky. I have not drank to the point of being sick, throwing up, falling down, stumbling or dangerous. I have eaten and drank water and vitamins. Somehow I really have maintained.

It was a bad week and I guess I've just tried to ignore the pain. It's up to me and i can and will do this.

Thanks again for always being here for me..

Much love, Beth

eremc08

At least you know that you need help. If you can't stop for one day, maybe you're not ready to stop. You CAN commit to stopping for one day, and if you can do 1 day, come here and post how you feel and read other posts, then you can do 1 more day and 1 more.. etc. It only takes 1 day to start. Go to bed sober. It's hard. I've posted about each of my days and I'm on day 5 right now. I drank heavily daily wine and beer and vodka together. I have children also and "thougt" I was being productive and hiding my drunkiness.. but sadly I was wrong. My husband actually told me that he knew when I was hiding my drinking. Every time I snuck into the bathroom, every time I said I had to grab my watch from our room, every time I had to make the bed. My excuses go on and on. He knew I was buzzed or drunk. You think they don't know but they know. I thought I was so sly...

You CAN DO THIS!!! This site is awesome and it's helped me so much you have no idea! I wouldn't be on 5 days if I didn't find this site.

Dee74

I can tell you from my experience Beth - sometimes the worst thing that can happen to an alcoholic is... nothing.

Looking back now, I see it as one almighty set up.
You build up this awful momentum....
It's like waxing the floor and not expecting to slip.

Be smarter than I was, B.

D

lyddie

Beth - If you can't quit for good right now, can you do harm reduction by taking a day or two off from drinking? You know this isn't good, please do what you can.

Right before I quit this time in July, I found I was drinking more. I had been working towards quitting for several months and I wondered at that time if my alcoholic demon was threatened by my intent. It might be a fanciful notion but I felt like my alcoholic demon and my inner wisdom were battling - the demon wanted to remain in control so it waged one last major battle to capture my soul.

Ghostlight

Hi Beth,

I've been where you are. Sometimes I was a functional drunk, sometimes I was on a binge in which I did nothing but drink.

None of that mattters, though. What matters is taking action to stop. Completely.

Maybe go to your doctor and be completely honest with them. Try an AA meeting.
Anything to help yourself.
Oh how I remember the spiral I used to be in. My life revolved around drinking.
Turned out, everyone I knew, Knew I was a drunk. Everyone except me that is.

Please take good care of yourself, and reach out however, wherever you can.

Jabbadabutt

If you find yourself at a consumption level that even surprises you, it may be a sign of serious physical dependence. Luckily for me, times when even I would be astonished at how much I was drinking, would eventually end up a big train wreck that would make me come to a screaching halt and stop drinking anyways. I hope for you, you find the help to stop before it REALLY gets out of hand and detox is needed. Seek medical help if you have any concerns but the time to stop is now.

RobertHugh

It was only when I tried to stop that I discovered I could not stop. Up until that point, I still lived under the delusion that I would be able to.

Jabbadabutt

How true. We fool ourselves into thinking what we are doing is normal...when deep down we know it's not.

traderjane

(((Beth)))) You can do this. You had 23 days back in June. Dig deep and remember how you did it. We're here for you!!! I have no great advice for you -- others have better experience with this -- but I know you can do it!

Have you thought about giving yourself another type of reward? For example, I just joined this wonderful new gym. I love going there -- they have a nice relaxing hot tub, a great little food cafe, etc. -- this is something that can fill any idle hours that might otherwise have been spent sitting home drinking. I know both you and I have kids which makes things infinitely more complicated -- you can't just run out the door whenever you feel like it. But maybe there is something that you can use as reward for yourself.

I just went and bought a new journal and plan to write down my thoughts and how many days sober I have everyday. This is motivating to me for some reason. I'm just throwing some ideas out there... I'll be checking to see how you're doing.

GettingStronger2

REally? No you haven't. You are lying to yourself. I know, because I did it all the time. No way no how can you be drinking and take perfect care of your child.

Anna

Alex,

Dee is right. Sometimes the worse that can happen to us, is nothing. Take action, Beth. Do something to save yourself.

alexvt

I just wanted to thank all of you! I finally got through the day today so tomorrow will be easier. I had 23 days in June and that was my first real attempt at sobriety.
After that i had 3 days here 5 days there until last week when The S**t hit the fan for me, and I went all out. I didn't drink during the day tho just at night.

So anyhow, I am grateful to you all!!

Xo- Alex/beth

Dee74

Congrats on Day One, Beth

D

MindShift

First of all, good for you on the attempts you've made thus far. They aren't failures. Just trial and error to find what works best for you. Welcome to Day 1. I, too, am on Day 1 of this journey.

It may seem, in your mind, that you are caring perfectly for your child. Those of us that drink aren't caring perfectly for anything nor anyone. Especially not ourselves. The poison doesn't allow for us to give ourselves completely except to the alcohol.

SR is always open, Beth. You have to be ready to take the next step. No one can do it for you. Here, you have plenty of support for you to take those steps. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.