lildawg

I just typed this massively long post, and then, when I went to preview it, I got logged out. When I logged back in, it was gone. Then, I typed out a whole new post, and the system sent me back to login hell. That time, though, I was wise enough to copy my post to another screen, so I just pasted it back into the box and was good to go. Sheesh!

Be warned, I tend to babble. This will get long.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've got 2 years, 6 months, and [almost] 29 days sober. On 1/1/08, I quit drinking cold turkey. I was 35 years old. Now, I'm older and possibly wiser.

I quit drinking because I knew I had a problem and because I was physically sick. I'd started vomiting blood, and I had lost my sense of balance. I poured sweat all time. I drank about a fifth of Scotch a day and chased it with beer, wine and weed. Every morning, I woke up with the taste of the night before in my mouth and remembered every humiliating, stupid thing I'd done the night before.

I knew if I kept on the way I was going, I would die soon. I didn't fear death. I feared taking the guilt I felt over disappointing the people who love me into the next plane of existence. That's an odd thing, isn't it? I feared feeling guilty in the afterlife. I was afraid I wouldn't enjoy it.

And besides that . . . there was something left I hadn't tried, something I still wanted to do. I wanted to pursue this dream career that I always believed I wasn't good enough to succeed in. I'm not going to say what the career is for the purposes of anonymity. I might change my mind on that one later, but, today, I need the anonymity.

I never attended the first AA meeting. In the first days of my sobriety, I was just too sick to go anywhere. I shook and sweated like nobody's business. I couldn't sleep. I was just a miserable wreck.

That passed, though. I still felt unsure about AA, so I started researching it. That is my nature. If I don't understand something, I do a bunch of research until I think I understand it. Usually, I figure out that I was wrong, but that's another story.

In the end, I decided not to go because I worried I would become addicted to AA. I worried I would mentally hinge my sobriety on attending those meetings for the rest of my life, and I didn't want to do that. I'm not even sure I would anything like that would have come to pass. However, because of my addictive personality, which extends to routines and rituals, I thought it possible. And I stayed away.

I did, at a certain point in my sobriety, feel the need to apologize to people I let down or hurt in some way. It was, in its way, freeing. And it was, in its way, anti-climactic. I've seen the purpose of a higher power, though I've not quite gotten there in my life. I said all that to say I think good things do come of AA, and I'm totally not trying to bash it. I just wanted to explain, I guess, why I didn't and don't go. Which is not to say I'll never change my mind . . .

I've found over the past couple of years that, while I enjoy many aspects of sobriety, I miss my best friend (alcohol). It's sort of a push and pull, and it goes a little like this:

• There are times I long for that overly bright drunk feeling where everything and everybody looks beautiful.

• Conversely, I love that I can think again, and I love that I can remember things again.

• However, I miss having fun, the way I used to when I was drunk. The holidays, especially, are hard.

• I am happy to have my health back, though. I no longer feel like I'm fixin' to die.

• But I wish I had something to look forward to on the weekend.

• Without alcohol, I have a chance to achieve my lifelong dream.

• But maybe I could have done it with alcohol.

I could go on and on all night like that, so I'll just stop while I'm ahead and talk about why I decided to register and post here. I think I am ready to try out being part of a community of people who struggle with addiction just like I do.

I hoped I'd find a place I could say, "Dude, it's New Years Eve, and what the heck am I supposed to be doing?!?!?" Or maybe, "I can't believe my sister-in-law just asked me why I couldn't have just one itty-bitty glass of alcohol. I mean, I know she didn't know me when I was drinking, but what a maroon!"

So, anyway, I hope I haven't come off the wrong way. And I hope I make enough of a connection here to stick around. I figured, either way, it was worth a try.

MTWildflower

It ate my post too, lildawg, so you're not alone!

I'm on Day 16, so I ain't got no wisdom to pass along, but welcome to SR.

lildawg

Well, at least I know it's not some new-fangled form of persecution for the newbie, MTWildflower. Thanks for the welcome. I bet Montana is beautiful this time of year.

MTWildflower

Montana is *always* beautiful.

I live in western Montana and it's the hot time for us right now, like high 80s. (I know, right.)

LexieCat

Heh, yeah, the site was down for a short bit. I started to feel stressed out--this board can be a little bit addictive, too!

Welcome, glad you're here. I do the AA thing, myself, supplemented with a bit of this and that from other recovery programs. Sober almost two years now. Thankfully, I don't miss drinking a bit.

MTWildflower

LexieCat - yay for two years! - I'd like to understand something. Since you don't miss drinking, does being on this Board ever make you think about drinking or be triggery or anything?

I'm on Day 16, so I'm trying to understand the mental obsession with alcohol and when or if it will go away.

(And apologies to lildawg for hijacking the thread for a moment.)

AmericanGirl

Hi Lilda -- big welcome here. This website has been a huge help to me and I hope it will be one for you, too.

I've only been sober for 3 and a half months, so I speak from the point of relative inexperience, but it sounds like maybe you need to develop some sober friendships? People you can be around and truly have fun around while sober? Maybe it would help to re-define what things like New Year's Eve mean to you now as opposed to what they mean to the largely drinking culture. I'm trying to re-imagine those things myself.

Welcome again.

LexieCat

I'm so used to thinking, talking, writing about drinking, no, honestly nothing feels like a trigger to me. I don't like to be around other people who are drinking, but that has more to do with the fact that it just doesn't grab me than that it makes me want to drink.

Drinking just seems, well, UNTHINKABLE. Like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. I won't say it never crosses my mind, but it's like an idle thought, not really an urge.

There are times when I miss being able to just numb out very strong emotions, but even those don't make me wish I could drink. I know what would happen, and I know the emotions will pass a lot quicker than the problems picking up a drink would.

Dee74

Sorry for all the post eaters. Techies are workin' on it...
I write it out on wordpad or something first if it's a big post.

Welcome to SR lildawg & congrats on your sober time

D

MTWildflower

No worries, D. It's like a sobriety test: Are you sober so that you can recreate what you just typed?

Thanks, LexieCat! Losing the mental obsession for me would be the miracle, as in "don't give up before the miracle happens."

Balou

Whoa you've got a lot of clean time Congrats! I know what you mean by not being able to have fun on special occasions, I feel the same way. Although I am a narco addict, apparently I am not supposed to ever drink again either. In my head I'm thinking I never had an alcohol problem, why can't I drink like once or twice a year on special occasions. I mean never drink again, when I never had a problem, not even a beer? I guess that is what I have to do to stay clean. I guess we are going to have to go out there and perform daredevil stunts to get that natural high of life. I am thinking of having theme parties some day, those are fun.
Good Luck to you, you have done super so far.
What an inspiration.

CarolD

lildawg....Way to go on your sober time.....

Many of our members are happily successfuuly sober
who do not use a structured recovery program.

Do I find shareing here disrupts my positive progress?
Not at all....recovery is fascinating and by sharing mine
I find joy and purpose....

Like you...I was already sober ...3 years... when
I began useing on line resources.
It's been an enhancement to my AA program.

All my best ...hope you stay here with us.

CarolD

Balou.....
I've never had a problem with narco's ...that does not mean
I will be useing them for "celebrations' or "special days"

I see no point in dabbleing with any addictive substances
when I have survived my addiction to alcohol.

My choice is to abstain....24/7.
I certainly hope you will too....

DUNE

lildawg, going as long as you have on your own is awsome! Unfortunately I can't say the same for myself, I've tried countless times to quit on my own and was never able to keep it together. AA did help for a while, but after relapsing several times I decided to step away from it and try to figure out a new approach to my problem. I haven't gone to AA in a couple of months and am 25 days sober now. I started checking out this site about 3 weeks ago and have found it so much more helpfull because of all the feedback you get.

If you have any questions, you will get the answers here. Or if you just want to vent, its great for that too. It has helped me gain a lot of good information on the phases of detoxing, dealing with side effects, physical and phychological changes, and long term effects.

I'm really new to this and probably wont give you any good advise or info, but a lot of others here can. Hope you stick around.

congrats and good luck.

Dune

artsoul

Welcome lildawg - glad to have you! I think you'll enjoy everyone here and find it a great place not only to strengthen your sobriety, but to help newcomers, too. Thanks for your post - I have the same thoughts myself. The problem is that my little dream-world (like sitting on a deck with a drink watching the sunset) very rarely happened at the end. The harder I chased that nice holiday feeling, the less fun it got.

Hope you'll stick around, post and read, and enjoy your time here. Oh, and congrats on your 2+ years!

lildawg

Thanks so much, everybody, for the kind welcomes. I really do appreciate it. Some of the things you've said resonated with me, and I took the time to reply to specific people. I hope that's okay.


This is a good point, all of it. Part of the reason I decided to join Sober Recovery is to try to make some friends, albeit online, who understand addiction. Perhaps through doing this, I can figure out *how* to make friends with people who sober.

Because I started drinking and basing my life on getting a buzz so early, I really have very little in common with people. Thus, I tend to isolate and stay to myself. Right now, my daily routine doesn't include a lot of interaction, and I might need to consider changing that in hopes of making some friends who aren't drunks or druggies. No offense to anyone here by use of drunks or druggies. I was one myself.

As for the part about reconsidering what holidays mean to me, that was so profound. (!!!) You must be quite a bit smarter than I am, American Girl. Most holidays, I celebrated by getting totally toasted. That was, after all, the only time I felt good (good about myself, good about the world around me). Something I'd like to try is to go somewhere peaceful (like a beach vacation) over the holiday. This is impossible right now due to workplace vacation issues; however, I still fantasize about it.

I do know what you mean here. I don't like being around people who are drinking because they're un-fun. Most of the time, they're drinking beer, and people drinking beer or wine really doesn't make me want to drink. I get bored and impatient with their antics, I guess.

I totally get what you're saying here. I know, deep down, that I don't want to go back to what my life was like before.

The closest I have come, so far, to drinking is a day my husband sent me to the liquor store to get some special brand of beer for him. Now, I drank beer (to get drunk), but I never truly loved it. I pick up beer and wine for my husband all the time at the grocery, and it's about like getting bread.

Hard liquor was my vice, though. I walked in that liquor store and was hit by the worst panic attack. I thought out whether I could buy a half-pint of vodka, drink it, and be sober before anyone saw me. And I don't even like vodka! But there I was, literally shaking and stammering. Anyway, I bought the beer I'd promised to buy and told my husband not to ask me to go in the liquor store for him again. To this day, I won't go in a liquor store.

This is a great point, and it's the one I use to "talk myself down" when I really want a drink. If I take a drink, it's not going to stop there. I can't drink like normal people, and that's important to remember.

I don't know if any of you have read Stephen King's On Writing. In it, he talks about his battle with addiction. One thing he said that really resonated with me is (and I'm paraphrasing), "I don't understand people who go out and have just one glass of wine or one mixed drink. I don't want just one. One isn't enough." I think he went on to say if he couldn't have a whole bunch of drinks, he'd just rather have a coke. This sums up how I feel about the whole thing.

Sometimes, though, I'll admit I have miserable sober days. One thing I wish for during those days is for someone to say, "It will get better, lildawg." And I guess that's some of the reason I'm here.

Dee, no biggie. I learned from it, and I like to learn something new each day. However . . . I am glad the logout thing is something that can be fixed.

It adds up. Stick with it, and you'll see.

I know what you mean about this. One (admittedly odd) habit of mine is to scare myself. I have a great imagination, and I'll sit around thinking scary thoughts until I think the boogie man is right outside the room about to get me. I've come to enjoy the feeling of fear, especially when it comes from stuff I imagined. I'm trying to talk my husband into going to sky diving. I think this would be terribly scary, which, to me, might be sort of fun.

Thank you so much. You made my day.

You know what? The same is true for me. My "dream drunk" was sitting in the early spring (like February) sun in a lawn chair and just getting loaded. Sometimes on those gorgeous Disney blue sunny days, I'll crave doing that. But, then, I have to remember that by the time I quit, it was no fun anymore. I was sick all the time anyway. This is a good thing to keep in mind when I'm mentally rhapsodizing about "good drinking times."



I want to thank all of you who welcomed me. Just because I didn't single your post doesn't mean it wasn't special. I appreciate the time you took to reply to me and what you said has merit.

LaFemme

Hey lildawg and like everyone congrats on all your sober time!

I used to be a bit of an adrenaline junkie, before I fell into alcoholism full time, I'm only 19 days sober, but I hope in the future that I can get back to doing the things that were exhilirating for me. Skiing down a black diamond without the brakes on, sailing on the edge, riding flat out across a big field...These were the things I loved before I loved alcohol.

As for Holidays, I can't quite picture making Thanksgiving day dinner without wine, that'll be a big one for me. I was of the Julia Childs cooking school, a bottle of wine for me and a bottle of wine for the food!

Wilde10

Welcome lildawg!
Fantastic to have you around us and thank you for sharing your own experiende...
I hope you find what you are looking for.

stanleyhouse

I'm new here too, i think to have people to talk with about addiction. I have my friends and some sober contacts but not a lot. I know what you mean about not being able to share crazy stories.
I went to my neighbor's party, she new I had gone to rehab 7months prior, and someone came who wanted vodka and she didn't have any. She asked me in front of other people if I had any, i said no and she said "you don't have any hidden away somewhere." She was totally serious and when people stared she replied, "what, you can't believe people really don't drink."

lildawg

Oh wow. How . . . I dunno . . . horrible? annoying? laughable? All of the above? I've had people say some real goobers to me, too. It's frustrating, no doubt. My problem is that I never know what to say back to them. Usually, I just shrug it off and go home furious.

In my couple of years sobriety, I've had two people (my aunt and my sister-in-law) ask if I couldn't just have one drink or ask if I hadn't learned to drink in moderation now. Both times, I got pretty angry. I stayed calm, but, inside, I was boiling.

However . . . I think they just meant it as banal conversation. They've never struggled with dumping their "best friend" (which, for me, happened to be booze). They don't understand the nature of being addicted to a substance and having the only recourse be to avoid it completely. Or maybe they do and just don't care.

The most frustrating experience I've had is to have servers at restaurants keep on offering me an alcoholic drink even after I've refused and ordered something else. I even had one waiter just bring me a beer and say he forgot what I'd ordered. I made him get it off the table. I probably overreacted, but I was pretty irritated.