smacked

I'm not friends with heavy drinkers. I had to rid all the toxicity from my life, and if I had nothing more in common with my so called friends anymore because I was sober, it answered the question I had about them actually being my friends. I don't go to bars, I don't enjoy drunks. I have a new life.

midnightrun

Just my opinion - if people in recovery surround themselves with friends or a friend who are heavy drinkers, I would take that as a sign that they are leaving themselves the option to slip back into relapse.

Of course in recovery we know its not an option. Its a matter of time.

Thankyou Smacked for your clarity and recovery.

hearnerules

I realize that who you hang out with influences actions. I understand I will need to break away, but some of these friends I have known 20+ years so its not like I can just disappear and they wont notice. I mean we still do alot of stuff besides drinking. Softball, weightlifting, biking, bowling, dominos, etc. But weekends is when everyone converges to "let loose" and go out.

So basically I need to find new weekend activities. I had to post to get help because all these urges are constantly bombarding me come Friday cause of this. I appreciate all the help!

Supercrew

In my year of forced sobriety 8 years ago, I went out often with my drinking buddies, and it was hard in the beginning, because I was very judgemental of their drinking. This made them not want to be near me when I wasn't drinking. I got over it in about three months and was accepted back sober. They would prod me to drink, but at the time I really couldn't or I would be in trouble with the law. What I did find out when I was sober was it was much easier to win money beating these guys shooting pool, playing darts, bowling and golfing when they were smashed and I was sober! So I usually walked away from the outing with more money in my pocket than I started with. I'm hoping the same thing happens on the tables because I am leaving for Vegas in about 5 minutes for a sober holiday!! Normally I get up when gambling only to lose twice as much later when the free drinks start kicking in and I lose my edge.

jamdls

Being around people drinking heavily a few times in the first year of my sobriety truly strenghthened my resolve to never drink again. I thought they acted like idiots and totally disgusted me.

NEOMARXIST

Yer man. I hear you hearnerules. It can all be made to sound so black and white by 'us' in recovery for a relatively long period of time compared to those just starting out. It sure ain't easy staying stopped and this is why so many fail and go back to drink/drugs. Because it takes a total overhaul of one's life as well as one's attitude to life.

I found grieving/mourning to be a massive part of my early recovery. I grieved the lifestyle as much as the actual drink and drugs. I felt like a part of me and my identity had died. This lasted probably 6 months at least. Drinking and drugging was integral to everything I did. Like since I was 16 I never thought of socialising or doing anything without getting wasted. It was an integral part of what I perceived as being my recreation and fun. I had to mourn and grieve all of this stuff just like if somebody had died. I was grieving and mourning "Mr Rock N' Roll".

But it was worth it and I'm glad I didn't go back outthere again.

Peace 'one day at a time' - I found that I had to take each day as it came and not project about any events in the future.

hearnerules

I guess that's the other part to it. Now that I'm refraining from drinking its like part of me expects everyone else to. So when I hung out last night there was a moment I was almost disgusted they were having a beer. It's kind of like the saying misery loves company except this is more "initial sober misery" for me if that makes sense.

livefierce

I stopped going to bars long before I stopped drinking. I just lost that attraction. But the friends I used to meet at bars are still my friends. Now I simply meet them for dinner and then go home or to a movie or do something else while they go to a bar or club.

I have another group of friends who have a party every Friday night at one guy's apartment. When I went a couple of weeks ago (with my bubbly water instead of a bottle of wine), I discovered that some of my friends are not nearly as funny, smart, witty, or entertaining as I've always believed them to be. But thinking through it, I decided that my distaste for that scene is more about ME than THEM. And, as the captain of my own ship, so to speak, I can chose where to spend my Friday nights, so I've found something else to do that I really enjoy and I feel is very beneficial to me.

fulminouscherub

Most of my friends still party. I never really had a problem with their behavior as much as I did with mine. They are free to do whatever they want.

But it sometimes makes me feel antsy after a while. I find I don't enjoy myself much when everyone is carrying on. So I give myself a break and avoid that scene.

Sure, I don't hang out with my friends nearly as much as I used to, but that's okay. I explained my behavior and they understand.

What do I do instead? I go to meetings. I hang out with sober friends. Sometimes I spend time alone, reading and/or writing.

Kmber2010

Congrats on getting sober but here is the best input I can give. I sure as heck was nowheres near a bar with anyone I knew drinking with weeks of sobriety. I am nearing 100 days and I have gone to a bar 2x and that was to play pool away from the bar folk and drank soda.

Best thing is to focus on you, working recovery and getting a solid foundation for which to live life alcohol free. While alcohol encounters will always come up.....you need the tools to handle them soberly and I don't think it is wise to put yourself in that position with 21 days down. Sounds like an unnecessary temptation so avoid it for now.

I know the last place I wanted to be was a bar after I first got clean.

All the best!

artsoul

I occassionally find myself with my old drinking friends, and don't even mind going out as long as there's food or good conversation to focus on. What I've found is that at some point in the evening, people start to leave and only the serious drinkers are left. That's usually when things begin to go downhill and it's not fun anymore. They think they're having fun, but it's the alcohol that's talking, not their real selves.

I just make it a policy to leave when I feel the atmosphere changing. It's nice to stay connected with friends, but there's no reason to just sit there and watch their brains go numb.

endlesspatience

There's two bars in my street. I can hear the customers coming out at night. Often noisy, often argumentative. Not a sound I enjoy.

NEOMARXIST

That was me I guess when I was still drinking. Most of my behaviour I don't remember as I would always drink to blackout. I never remember leaving the pubs and only knew I had bought something to eat on the way home by the stains down my shirt or the smell of my hands.

I am glad that I don't have to feel ashamed of myself anymore. I was ashamed to be a drunk but I'm not ashamed to be a recovering alcoholic.

peace

AmericanGirl

Hi Hearne -- I appreciate you posting about this problem. Personally, I haven't been inside a bar since I quit. I'm not sure when or if I will ever go in one again, but I do sympathize with how it can feel to know that most people you know or most of your friends are out at a bar. Also, I've recently had to deal with the annoyance of someone I used to drink with (a colleague) badgering me about how he wishes I still drank (I am going to sit down and have a serious discussion with him about it).

I found when I quit that it was pretty easy to divide drinking friends from real friends. That doesn't mean that I didn't drink with some of the "real friends" -- I did -- but they were people I also genuinely cared about and felt comfortable around sober (a very small percentage). Now I spend quality time with those people by going to lunch together or spending time together outside or having a decent phone conversation where I'm sober and actually listening to what they have to say! I think it might be a good idea to sit down and separate the wheat from the chaff and instead of going with the group perhaps focus on quality one-on-one time with those who matter the most. Good luck; I sympathize with your situation.

Dee74

I mostly drank at home at the end, but I was part of a hardcore social drinking circle too.

I tried several times over the years just 'not to drink'...my record was 8 weeks...
if I wanted to stay sober I had to leave that circle.

It got easier for me Hearne - but I'm not sure it would have got any easier had I kept doing the same things with the same people in the same places.

D

hearnerules

I appreciate all the advice. It really helps to see Im not alone. And you are right, the best part about the last few weeks ... no hangovers and no stories of something stupid or terrible I did.

I'm the type of person who likes to solve problems and move on, but its apparent that alcohol is not a "quick fix and forget it" type deal. Its hard to believe this cloud I have been under so long and how much damage I was actually doing until having some clarity after years of being a fool.

ANEWAUGUST

When I was newly sober, this described my feelings so well.

I had to realize, it was my decision to get sober, not anyone elses. My expectation that others would feel and act as I was now was not realistic.

I also had to remember that for me, drinking was no longer fun. Alcohol had stopped being my party pal...it was misery for me.

I had to learn to work thru those expectations, because they aren't healthy. If I went out and found myself feeling that way, I needed to change what I was doing.

After working thru those initial times, I can now be around people that drink. Although being around drunks is something I tend to avoid, I know realize it is their choice to drink, it is mine not to.

Congrats on your 21 days...

Toronto68

Hearne, for the friends that have been around for so long, it's not their prob that you are dealing with quitting because of your relationship with alcohol; on the other hand, because of their relationship with you, maybe that matters to them. I don't know who if any out of those other people are also alcoholics, but if they're not and are interested in being a part of your change in activity, then they can change up their let loose schedule, so that Fri night is not drinking night but one of the other things you do together. Or you can keep working on the changes without their help. Either way, it'll be what is inside you that counts.

I'm happy for you about getting past this many days. I had a similar history when it comes to rarely being without alcohol for long.