JJB

Hi everyone
I joined Sr over a year ago but have had many relapses in the meantime.
Each time I would say to myself "oh well at least my body has had a bit of a rest now so ...."
Of course each time I return to drinking i'm drinking even more than the last time.
So i've decided it really has to stop.
I'm now on day five and have been checking in regularly here which helps me a lot.
What's worrying me is that I'm going on holiday tonight (well of course I'm delighted about going on holiday) and I'm worried that the change in environment could jolt me back into drinking.
Whats panicking me in particular is that i won't have access to internet there which means until the end of August
A very kind friend from SR has given me a list of AA meetings to go to where ill be staying so i'm hoping ill find similar support there as i have with you. i've also ordered some self help books to read.
So just to say that although I won't be posting on here for a while it doesn't (I hope) mean I've gone back to the bottle.
I really want this to work and am being very careful to keep my blood sugar level stable and to remember all the wonderful advice I've read here.
What's worrying me is that the last five days I've stayed sober I've spent an enormous amount of time on here reading posts and i'm starting to panic what I'll do without it.
Im forcing myself to start this thread because although I feel stupid doing it, I think that if I manage to click on the send button at the end of all this rambling I'm hoping I'll be able to pluck up the courage to go to those aa meetings.
Where I live I have no aa meetings but i have Sr, where im going I'll have no SR but will have aa!
Wish me luck and I wish you all a very pleasant and sober summer (or winter!) wherever you are!

P.S. I often hear you talk about your HPs could any of you tell me who or what they are for you, if that's not too personal a question?

DayTrader

I don't know that I even have the words......or the ability to put them together in a manner that'll make sense......but here goes....


My HP's the God of my youth ((minus)) all the things I think I was told that I don't like (waiting to judge us at every turn, sends plagues down upon us, can't wait to punish us, etc) and ((plus)) a lot of things I do like: always willing to help me out, watching over me as a father would watch a baby learn to walk, constant and unconditional love for all of us, in a state of patient waiting - waiting for me to find Him / invite Him into my life, willing to work miracles (remove me from my alcoholism for example) if only I'll truly learn to believe in Him, an all knowing "guide" to me through life, an unbeatable team of support (like a coach and a "dream team" on my side....leading the way), the best friend I have, available anywhere/anytime, an unending source of strength that's custom tuned to what I need.....

heh, when they said "a God of your own understand" and "if you don't like the God you think you know, create one that you'd like to know" ....I went hog-wild. It's pretty tough to not love a HP that is everything and anything positive you can think of.........

Hope that helps.

RobbyRobot

Its all about how being honest with how I understand God as an alcoholic and not as anything else when it comes down to living a sober life in my sobriety. Although I'm Christian, I'm a sober alcoholic first, last, and always. Religion will not and does not keep me sober, and thats okay, you know. Spirituality is something we all have, imo, and is a personal thing different for each of us even though we could share common understandings. To each their own, you know, there are many paths to sober living.

Understanding my HP is not something that I force upon myself, I just be still within myself and in prayer whatever is is. It's a paradox that the more I accept my needs and responsibilities for spirituality the more I understand myself and others and sober living. I don't have any need or want to solve the "God problem" because obviously He is totally beyond anything I could ever dream up. I do great knowing that God and I work together keeping me simple and living happily sober day after day.

Hope you soon find what you need to get it together for yourself JJB, wherever you may find yourself in any day anywhere. It can be a tough walk into a new life, I know. You can do it too.

Best Wishes.

Rob

Omega10

For me, I find that it has to do with fate or destiny - we are not in control of our lives. Here's a little anecdote about my experience to explain what HP means to me.

A month or two ago I was really unhappy with some stuff that was going on. I was trying to control the situation, it wasn't working out the way I wanted it to, so I was p*ssed. I almost went back to the bottle. I fumed for a long time, and was just one big ball of negativity. Every morning on the train to work, I pass by Lake Ontario and when I look over the lake I always ask for a positive attitude, strength to make it through the day, and stuff like that (depending on the day). At that time, I was so fed up with everything around me that when we passed by the lake, I just screamed in my head "Fine, I'm leaving this all up to you. Whatever happens, happens, I'm sick of all this, I'm tired of trying to control everything to no avail, and I'm just going to trust that everything happens for a reason and that this is the best thing for me."

Accepting and conceding to the fact that sometimes things are just beyond my control was a pivotal moment in my recovery and a key factor in my understanding of my HP. My HP is some kind of force out there that I know exists, and I have learned to trust that it will see me through even the worst of times.

I don't know if this all makes sense - my HP is so abstract it is hard to describe. Plus I am still working my way through my first cup of coffee this morning, so I am still a bit foggy.

For you (and everyone else) it may be something different. Start with your own strength and inner peace. Or it could be something even simpler like just sitting by yourself under a nice tree in a park and taking a quiet moment to yourself to focus on positive energy. Or listening to a CD of music of your choice and getting completely lost in the moment.

The best thing of all about an HP is that you can make her/him/it into whatever you want. It's really about what gives you the strength to not drink/drug for today and to give you that inner peace.

Have a fantastic time on your holiday!

least

My higher power is God's love, as manifested in the uncondtional love shown me by my dogs. Their love for me was always, no matter what. They didn't judge me or criticize me, just loved me.

I'm glad you've got a list of meetings to go to while on holiday. I've been to many AA meetings and have always found support and love there. Have a wonderful sober holiday!

keithj

I honestly don't know. I came into AA as a staunch atheist who thought the idea of a higher power was a crutch for weak-minded people. I was not able to choose my own concept of a higher power.

Instead, I took the bare requirements of Step 2, Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe, that there is power greater than myself. Well, I was hopeless and desperate, and I could not stop drinking. So I was willing to believe in something that could save me, I just didn't know what that something was. I used the unconditional love of being a parent as an example. It was enough to make a start.

I worked the Steps to the best of my ability at the time. I've reworked them over and over, and I continue to stay in action and live by spiritual principles. My concept of a higher power has changed over the years. Evolved, really. But I'm still not much closer to giving that power a name or a representative image. I call it God for short.

What I do know with absolute certainty is the existence and manifestation of this power in my life. I know that because I feel that conscious contact with this power. I know it because I can't deny it.

Have you read the jaywalker story in Ch. 3 of the Big Book? That story describes my behavior perfectly. It also describes my delusional thinking.

After every crashed car, every DUI, every bad consequence, I would wake up and get real serious. Like having my skull cracked. I would go holy crap, this has got to stop. I'm really going to do it this time.

And I would for a while. And then the insanity of the that first drink would be upon me. I'd drink, get drunk, have some more consequences in short time, and say man, this has got to stop.

What I've come to realize is that I was delusional. I had crossed (a long time ago) the line into chronic alcoholism. I did not have the power to choose not to drink. It didn't matter how bad the consequences got, I always managed to pick up that drink. The italics on pg 25 were true for me.

There were no wake up calls out there for me. When I realized that I was just going to keep doing the same thing over and over, and it would never change, and here is your life, Keith. It sucks and it's always going to suck, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

When I saw the truth of my own powerlessness, the AA program of recovery opened up for me.

tomw

My Higher Power...easy...Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior

louis

Hi JJ

I have spoke to you about my HP... and as most people put... it is hard to escribe.. because we all have our own... personal to us.

Try and get hold of a laptop and dongle and you should be able to get internet access... or the library...

Remember.. you are never alone... even when you think you are... hope you go to the meetings... you wil find lots of support there.

Take care... enjoy your holiday... hopefully the sun will come back out... the rain has been around a couple of days now :o)

Safe trip.. speak soon

223

Hi JJB!

Check out this thread and read the online book of how an atheist made his HP his "ideal self" to work through the AA program. A great read. Thanks to Paulmh for pointing it out.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...aatheists.html

traderjane

JJB!!! So good to see you here! I was wondering how you were doing. I wish you a happy and safe holiday and hope to catch up with you in August upon your return.

We have a lot in common

As for the HP thing, I'm with you there, but tend to think like Omega about some kind of force watching over me. The force guides me in the right directions with things unraveling as life opportunities permit, not always in obvious ways, but more subtle ways. Taking care of my body has become a main desire for me to stop drinking as I'm very much into yoga right now. The spiritual aspects of it as well as the physical. We'll see how this plays out for me... obviously I have no serious sober time to speak of, but I'm on the start of a new journey here -- same as you!

Keep in touch,
Laura

Anna

Hi JJB,

I believe in God, but I think of my HP as the Universe.

I hope you enjoy your holiday and maybe you can find your way to an internet cafe to check in with us.

artsoul

Hi JJB! I hope you really enjoy your holiday. Load up on those books and check out AA as soon as you can after you get there. Also, it might be helpful to keep a little journal as you go along, or even print out some pages from SR to keep you company.

I loved reading everyone's concept of their HP. I have my own as well, which is a lot like love/oneness/force/universe. I grew up in a very traditional home and had a hard time believing in the judgmental ego-God, so at one point I just issued an invitation to "Him" to teach me what I needed to know. I found that I was led into a brand new concept inspired by reading a lot of spiritual books.
I'm totally convinced my willingness (and open mindedness) what was put the wheels in motion.

Congratulations on your new time of sobriety! You're really thinking about your options for support, which is GREAT!

Dee74

hey JJB

lots of good advice here so I'll just say have a good and sober holiday - see you when you get back

D

onestepforward

JJB,
This is a great thread! Good luck on your holiday. No need to feel ashamed. Wishing you courage...

nogard

Have a great holiday and know that we all have a higher power always have had its only a question of being open, bit like switching the light on, some call it Faith.