How painful it is to be falsely accused by family...even if deserved :(
Better now than never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sunny South Florida
Posts: 52
How painful it is to be falsely accused by family...even if deserved :(
Little past history first. I am a binge drinker. I sometimes went for MONTHS without a drink.... but then I would drink myself stupid 3-4 times in a week, get into a big blowout fight with husband, make up a week later, then go months without a drink.
So last night, husband went to bed a little early after a long fishing trip. My 16yr old daughter said she wanted to watch a movie. By 9:30 she was sleeping on the couch. By 10:30, movie was over, but I was not tired....daughter woke up and went to bed, I put on another movie. At 11:40 I heard my husband shuffle his feet down the hallway. When I opened my eyes he was looking at me and asking if I was sleeping "out here", I replied no, I must have dozed off. Next thing I know he goes back into bedroom & slams the door. I get up to turn off tv & 16yr old comes back out and asks whats going on. I knew right away...... He was pissed thinking I passed out drunk, and she came out thinking we were fighting. I followed her into the kitchen talking to her so that she could see that I was in fact sober, not slurring or tripping all over the place, although I did not tell her this. I gave her a hug & kiss and we both went to bed. In the morning, husband had attitude toward me, not talking to me. I mention to my daughter that he was in bad mood, and she says "Well, what did you do?" I said I did nothing and asked her why she asked that.... she says that because that is the only time he gets mad (not true) and that I must have done something. I asked why is that the first thing that came to her mind, and here it is...... her exact words "Because I don't trust you, no one does". Even typing this is making me cry. I know I have hurt everyone close to me, and it will take alot for ppl to feel good about me, but this stung. I am trying hard. I have attended AA meetings, go to therepy once a month and am 40 days sober today!!! I am proud of myself and I know I need to do this for ME before anyone else. But how painful a comment, when not deserved....or is it? I am sure this has happened to quite a few people, but I just had to get it off my chest.
So last night, husband went to bed a little early after a long fishing trip. My 16yr old daughter said she wanted to watch a movie. By 9:30 she was sleeping on the couch. By 10:30, movie was over, but I was not tired....daughter woke up and went to bed, I put on another movie. At 11:40 I heard my husband shuffle his feet down the hallway. When I opened my eyes he was looking at me and asking if I was sleeping "out here", I replied no, I must have dozed off. Next thing I know he goes back into bedroom & slams the door. I get up to turn off tv & 16yr old comes back out and asks whats going on. I knew right away...... He was pissed thinking I passed out drunk, and she came out thinking we were fighting. I followed her into the kitchen talking to her so that she could see that I was in fact sober, not slurring or tripping all over the place, although I did not tell her this. I gave her a hug & kiss and we both went to bed. In the morning, husband had attitude toward me, not talking to me. I mention to my daughter that he was in bad mood, and she says "Well, what did you do?" I said I did nothing and asked her why she asked that.... she says that because that is the only time he gets mad (not true) and that I must have done something. I asked why is that the first thing that came to her mind, and here it is...... her exact words "Because I don't trust you, no one does". Even typing this is making me cry. I know I have hurt everyone close to me, and it will take alot for ppl to feel good about me, but this stung. I am trying hard. I have attended AA meetings, go to therepy once a month and am 40 days sober today!!! I am proud of myself and I know I need to do this for ME before anyone else. But how painful a comment, when not deserved....or is it? I am sure this has happened to quite a few people, but I just had to get it off my chest.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 69
Same issue with my teen daughter - it just takes time no matter how hard it is to hear. We did it to ourselves. Trust is easily lost, hard to regain. Hang in there!
My latest - daughter calls to see if I'm home on Sunday afternoon. I mention that I'm out with friends. She responds: "Uh, oh, what does that mean?" I say: "Nothing." And she gives me the "Uh, huh" yeah, right thing. That's after almost two months of not a drop. Expectation of disappointment is disappointing.
My latest - daughter calls to see if I'm home on Sunday afternoon. I mention that I'm out with friends. She responds: "Uh, oh, what does that mean?" I say: "Nothing." And she gives me the "Uh, huh" yeah, right thing. That's after almost two months of not a drop. Expectation of disappointment is disappointing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi Time4me2Change,
Firstly... congratulations on 40 days
that takes a lot of commitment & effort.
It is hard for people to trust us when we having been doing what they think we are doing (drinking) for many years. Its going to take time for them to completely trust you again.
I would have a talk about this & how you feel about it. Try your best to understand their side as well, if the tables were turned you would probably be questioning the circumstances as well.
Stay positive & keep up the great work, the best way to get trust is to earn it so keep doing what you are doing.
You can do this, we are all here with you
Take Care,
NB
Firstly... congratulations on 40 days
that takes a lot of commitment & effort.It is hard for people to trust us when we having been doing what they think we are doing (drinking) for many years. Its going to take time for them to completely trust you again.
I would have a talk about this & how you feel about it. Try your best to understand their side as well, if the tables were turned you would probably be questioning the circumstances as well.
Stay positive & keep up the great work, the best way to get trust is to earn it so keep doing what you are doing.
You can do this, we are all here with you
Take Care,
NB
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I can see where that would be really hurtful (and teenagers are great for being judgemental anyway). But there's a positive side to this: you're feeling your feelings. You're crying instead of turning to the bottle. That is a huge deal.
If you can't get it off your mind, you could always talk to your husband and daughter, and tell them how much you want this and that their support means everything to you.
At least YOU know what you've accomplished and we do too, so stay strong in that thought!
In these days, I have to apply ODAAT to my emotions, too. I'm not used to having them.
If you can't get it off your mind, you could always talk to your husband and daughter, and tell them how much you want this and that their support means everything to you.
At least YOU know what you've accomplished and we do too, so stay strong in that thought!
In these days, I have to apply ODAAT to my emotions, too. I'm not used to having them. Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Time, I've had this problem for years. That's why when I joined SR I was so relieved to be among people who understood & didn't judge me. I kept myself in the drinking cycle for too long because I couldn't face people's comments and criticism. I'd pick up again just to stop the pain & humiliation. Of course, that made no sense...
Finally, I've learned that the people who love me and want me in their life will try to understand and forgive. The ones who choose to hold my past behavior against me - well, I can't do a thing about that. All I can do is hold my head up and go forward with my sobriety and new attitude. Hopefully, as time goes on, anyone who matters in my life will begin to understand. Please don't let this incident hold you back. You're doing great.
Finally, I've learned that the people who love me and want me in their life will try to understand and forgive. The ones who choose to hold my past behavior against me - well, I can't do a thing about that. All I can do is hold my head up and go forward with my sobriety and new attitude. Hopefully, as time goes on, anyone who matters in my life will begin to understand. Please don't let this incident hold you back. You're doing great.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: The Present
Posts: 425
Yes, you can be proud of you. You have been sober 40 days, which is a fantastic accomplishment. The early phase of going dry can be a bit of an emotional roller-coaster and crying is good for you! Harsh words from your family are hurtful but many hurtful things are said in the heat of the moment, and are not really meant. Let the pain go and hold onto your own strength.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Time---congrats on your 40 days, nights and weekends. Only another alcoholic knows how hard this journey can be.
If you are like., I had many false starts on the road to sobriety.
If you have a sponsor, I would suggest sharing this with her. They are invaluable in helping us handle our emotions, and our loved ones reactions.
I know it hurts like h*ll. But, maybe you could say something to your husband and daughter to the effect that you understand why they would think that way, that you weren't drinking, and all you can do is keep moving forward, hoping that in time they will believe you.
Hugs to you...
If you are like., I had many false starts on the road to sobriety.
If you have a sponsor, I would suggest sharing this with her. They are invaluable in helping us handle our emotions, and our loved ones reactions.
I know it hurts like h*ll. But, maybe you could say something to your husband and daughter to the effect that you understand why they would think that way, that you weren't drinking, and all you can do is keep moving forward, hoping that in time they will believe you.
Hugs to you...
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Early sobriety is such a hard time.
I really, really had to learn to be patient. It took a long time and a lot of work on my part to regain trust from my family, and the truth is, you can never go back to where you were before all this started.
Just keep working on your recovery and your family will see.
I really, really had to learn to be patient. It took a long time and a lot of work on my part to regain trust from my family, and the truth is, you can never go back to where you were before all this started.
Just keep working on your recovery and your family will see.
Better now than never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sunny South Florida
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by artsoul 
In these days, I have to apply ODAAT to my emotions, too. I'm not used to having them.
Better now than never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Sunny South Florida
Posts: 52
Sometimes things are said in hurt and anger. I left for a while and thought about it. After being upset for half the day, I realized yes, I cannot be trusted. True, Ive done it before & for all they know I'll do it again. So The hurt I felt today was nothing to the hurt I put them through over the years. All I can do is have patience, and give them time.
Thank you everyone. I feel so free to speak here knowing that people understand and dont judge. Thank you!!
And yes, Dang proud of my 40 days!!!!
Thank you everyone. I feel so free to speak here knowing that people understand and dont judge. Thank you!!
And yes, Dang proud of my 40 days!!!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
One Day At A Time
Their trust can come back as soon as they see how hard you're working to stay sober. I've got six months now and my kids (young adults) are trusting me again and not treating me like they used to when I was drinking. Just work for sobriety every day and they'll notice the difference sooner or later.
Their trust can come back as soon as they see how hard you're working to stay sober. I've got six months now and my kids (young adults) are trusting me again and not treating me like they used to when I was drinking. Just work for sobriety every day and they'll notice the difference sooner or later.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
I get this. I think...because you KNOW you're in recovery, you have faith in what you are doing.
Your family doesn't have that faith yet. They will.
In the long run.....it's things like your daughters comment, that will help your sobriety.
My best to you.
Your family doesn't have that faith yet. They will.
In the long run.....it's things like your daughters comment, that will help your sobriety.
My best to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
I totally get it. Some weeks ago, before my relapse, I was driving with one of my best girlfriends to a wedding -- this is the woman I called in tears asking her to accompany me to my first AA meeting. Well, weddings are a particular emotional trigger for me, so before we left I was freaking out and took one of the Ativans my doctor had prescribed for me just to deal with such a situation, when I feel on the verge of a panic attack. I haven't taken them very often, so I wasn't too used to the effects.
As soon as we started driving, I realized that I should not be driving under this medication and asked if she would drive us the rest of the way. I was very grateful and apologetic, we had a fine time, and I learned my lesson about Ativan.
Then, the next day she calls me FREAKING OUT about how angry she was that I would endanger her life and the life of everyone else on the road... I explained again that this was a new medication and of course I wouldn't have driven if I expected that reaction... So then she goes, yeah right, the Ativan.... you know it smelled like liquor when I got in your car. So she was basically accusing me of drinking before I picked her up.
I didn't really know what to say! My sense of smell is not great, but only days later did I remember I had some friends over and (because I don't want alcohol at the house) drove them home with the leftover wine in the car. Maybe some of the half-empty bottles leaked?
We haven't talked since then, we will see each other again in a group setting tomorrow but I'm just so angry that she would accuse me like that rather than (if she really believed it), approaching it as, "Hey, I'm concerned that it seems like you may have been drinking yesterday. What's going on?"
Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant, the unbased accusations really touched a nerve for me there
GG
As soon as we started driving, I realized that I should not be driving under this medication and asked if she would drive us the rest of the way. I was very grateful and apologetic, we had a fine time, and I learned my lesson about Ativan.
Then, the next day she calls me FREAKING OUT about how angry she was that I would endanger her life and the life of everyone else on the road... I explained again that this was a new medication and of course I wouldn't have driven if I expected that reaction... So then she goes, yeah right, the Ativan.... you know it smelled like liquor when I got in your car. So she was basically accusing me of drinking before I picked her up.
I didn't really know what to say! My sense of smell is not great, but only days later did I remember I had some friends over and (because I don't want alcohol at the house) drove them home with the leftover wine in the car. Maybe some of the half-empty bottles leaked?
We haven't talked since then, we will see each other again in a group setting tomorrow but I'm just so angry that she would accuse me like that rather than (if she really believed it), approaching it as, "Hey, I'm concerned that it seems like you may have been drinking yesterday. What's going on?"
Anyway, thanks for listening to my rant, the unbased accusations really touched a nerve for me there
GG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Congratulations on 40 days!
I don't know if you had alcoholics in your family, in your past, your childhood. (?)
I did and I remember that fear, that feeling of not knowing what to expect anytime I came home, seeing my parent(s) passed out on the sofa from drinking and all of the drama-rama that goes along with living in an alcoholic home.
When my parents got sober, I did the uh-oh for a long time afterwards. I just assumed that if anything was out of the ordinary, it had to be because they had started drinking again...
For me, it was a defense mechanism. I lived for so long and in such fear of the unexpected. I conditioned myself to be prepared for the unexpected just to shield myself from the shock; this went on for quite a while even after my parents got sober.
Now I'm the one who's sober. And I totally get that people who love me sometimes think uh-oh when they don't hear from me for a while or if I do something innocent and harmless like innocently falling asleep on the sofa when I used to only pass out on it.
In early sobriety, I would call family and friends just to say hello and let them know that I was ok (ie, yep, I'm still sober guys). Since I was infamous for picking up the phone when hammered (ie, drunk-n-dial), I could hear the hesitancy in their voice when they answered their phone; not knowing if I'd be half in the bag on the other end. This went on for a while (the first year for me).
When my loved ones could see that I was not just sober, but happily living in recovery, they began to let their guard down.
It just takes time. They love us and want to see us get well. Continue to get well for you; everything has a way of falling into place after that.
I don't know if you had alcoholics in your family, in your past, your childhood. (?)
I did and I remember that fear, that feeling of not knowing what to expect anytime I came home, seeing my parent(s) passed out on the sofa from drinking and all of the drama-rama that goes along with living in an alcoholic home.
When my parents got sober, I did the uh-oh for a long time afterwards. I just assumed that if anything was out of the ordinary, it had to be because they had started drinking again...
For me, it was a defense mechanism. I lived for so long and in such fear of the unexpected. I conditioned myself to be prepared for the unexpected just to shield myself from the shock; this went on for quite a while even after my parents got sober.
Now I'm the one who's sober. And I totally get that people who love me sometimes think uh-oh when they don't hear from me for a while or if I do something innocent and harmless like innocently falling asleep on the sofa when I used to only pass out on it.
In early sobriety, I would call family and friends just to say hello and let them know that I was ok (ie, yep, I'm still sober guys). Since I was infamous for picking up the phone when hammered (ie, drunk-n-dial), I could hear the hesitancy in their voice when they answered their phone; not knowing if I'd be half in the bag on the other end. This went on for a while (the first year for me).
When my loved ones could see that I was not just sober, but happily living in recovery, they began to let their guard down.
It just takes time. They love us and want to see us get well. Continue to get well for you; everything has a way of falling into place after that.
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