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Support from boyfriend?

Old 06-18-2010, 02:33 PM
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Support from boyfriend?

Hey all, everything came to light about 4 days ago and I have not used since then. I was addicted to painkillers....any and all i could get my hands on. Theeree were a few times i got away from them, not really by choice but because i ran out and couldn't find more. Most recently I have been dealing with an addiction to morphine. My dad found out and called me out on it, fortunately he was very supportive and didn't make me feel bad, he just wants to see me get into an outpatient program and start going to meetings. I have a friend who works for a recovery program and she has been very helpful as well. Luckily, so has my mother. It was literally a divine intervention, as the VERY DAY i was caught, an acquaintance toted me to let me know he finally found a hook up for oxys. I thank the good lord that this came out and i told him no, i dint want any. I don't want ti go down that road again, but that is another story for another time,
My issue is my boyfriend. When this all came to light, i called him and told him that my dad caught me and that i am done with this, i have struggled with it since i was 17 ( I am 30 now) and that i am going to seek help and start going to meetings. He had said in the past he was concerned about my addiction, but never tried to stop me or anything, He is currently using prescribed drugs to deal with his own pain. Anyway when i told him this, i asked
1. That he would not joke or make "cute" comments to me about it, as in "awww my little morphine addict" etc. Its not funny to me, i am serious about staying clean and i don't think its something to joke about or bring uo casually.
2. That we could talk about it if i brought it up, but i did not want to talk about it otherwise with him. I want to leave it in the past. There is nothing i did not already tell him about my problem. If i want advice i will talk to my friend who irks at the treatment program, or my sponsor when i get one.
3. That he not tell anybody about it, bc word travels fast and i am embarrassed about this.

So i went to his house last night and within 5 minutes he made a joke, insisted that he can bring it up to talk about it if he wants to bc he is so "concerned" about me. He thinks that making me talk about it when i don't want to is supporting me. I told him the best way to support me would be to support the positive things i am doing right and not remind me of the things i did wrong in the past. Then he tells me he asked a coworker for advice bc she had dealt with her ex husbands pill addiction. Obviously this woman was not going to give good advice, the man is her EX husband and he is still addicted.

Is it unreasonable to hope that my boyfereind might follow my requests to not joke and talk about it unless i am ready to talk about it? He is telling me i am being ridiculous to expect him not to say anything. I say he is not my father. If someone needs to look out for me and talk to me, my father is glad to do that. I don't know. Ive never been in this position and i don't know what is reasonable to expect from my boyfriend and what is not.

Can anyone please help me figure this out?

Thanks for reading all of this

LBrooke

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Old 06-18-2010, 02:45 PM
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Welcome here LBrooke. Great news that you are pursuing help for your addiction.

I've been sober for 5 days, so take that into account for the rest of what you read.

From a man's perspective, if I were emotionally involved with someone and they were going through a huge personal crisis, and they told me that I should keep my beak out of it, I'd feel rather hurt by that. I'd feel like that person was not very emotionally involved with me. Didn't trust me. Didn't think I could be supportive. I'd try not to be a tool and dump the woman right at her most vulnerable time, but I'd be planning my exit strategy.

Keeping him at arm's length might be the right choice for you at this time, I can't answer that. I'm just trying to point out how it might be making him feel.

Best of luck and stay strong!
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Old 06-18-2010, 02:57 PM
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Hi LBrooke
Welcome to SR.

I don't know the dynamica of your relationship - maybe he thinks he's helping by asking people...maybe he wants to talk about it and maybe he wants to take care of you...maybe he thinks making a joke is a good way into a conversation...

I dunno.

All that being said? I don't think it's unreasonable you should expect you get what you asked for....but, of course, people don't always do what we want.

Maybe you need to sit him down and have all this out with him again? I know you don't want to go over old ground, but I think you may have to in order to sort this out.

And keep using us for support
Glad to have you with us

D
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Old 06-18-2010, 03:49 PM
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I think Severian and Dee both made good points. As they say "honesty is the best policy..." So maybe a heart to heart talk? See how your comment made him feel, and tell him your feelings too. The sooner you work it out the better chance neither one of you will be building resentments.

All the best......
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Old 06-18-2010, 03:54 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you are seeking support.

I think it's reasonable to hope that your boyfriend will act a certain way, but it's really not in your control. One of the painful and difficult things I had to learn in early recovery, was that the only thing I had control of, was myself. I made many changes in my life at that time, because my perspective in sobriety was different that when I was drinking.

There is always lots of support here, so you can log on anytime of the day or night to find someone to talk to.
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Old 06-18-2010, 06:46 PM
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Welcome. I got alot out of your post. Without knowing anything about your relationship with your boyfriend, how long you have been together etc., I'd suggest you stick with it. I know that when I had my first 4 days of sobriety, I felt like a new person. But I wasn't. 4 days is way too early to re-evaluate relationships with people you love. You have absolutely no way of knowing how you feel being sober in a few weeks, months, or years. And that's ok. You are right where you need to be for today. In AA they say no important decisions for the first year for this reason. Some people sober up and decide that a relationship that worked while using no longer works sober. Others stay together and their relationship grows stronger. You can't know which it will be yet. Focus on your recovery and things will work themselves out.
My only practical advice would be to suggest to him that if he really wants to support you that he should go to al-anon. (or sometimes outpatient things have family-oriented groups). That can be a tough sell. But I have seen it work miracles.
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