whatishappy

This is my first day on this site, so I don't know if I'm even posting this in the right place. I finally saw a therapist this week for "advice" on how to "force" my husband into therapy for drinking. Wow, was I going at it the wrong way. She told me the same things that the others have said here in these threads.

My husband is 19 years older than me. I was married when we met, but I fell in love anyway, got a divorce, and stumbled through the next few years before we got married. Even on our honeymoon, I vividly recall saying to myself, "What have I done?"

I knew he drank, but he seemed to function fine. It has taken 14 years for me to realize that he's not fine. He can't keep a job - but he swears it's not because of his drinking. When he's sober, he's the nicest guy you'd ever meet - "sparkling" almost. Just a joy. But so often when he's had even one or two drinks, I can tell. He starts to become all "gushy, mooshy," counting his blessings, etc. Then he gets impatient, beliggerant, self-righteous, inconsiderate, and he says odd things out of character, and "non-sequitor."

Before we got married, he promised me he would not drink - and he didn't drink for awhile. By the time he started drinking again, we were married, and we had blended our family (of 3 girls then ages 10, 10, and 5). I tried to ignore it. I tried to hide it. We stopped having friends over. He would embarass me in public, so I stopped going out to dinner with him.

Now when we're invited places, sometimes I don't tell him because I don't want to go and be embarassed when he gets a buzz on.

He has driven my children around when he's been buzzed - and somehow I rationalized that he wouldn't do anything to hurt my children. Say what?

So now I'm just starting to analyze my own co-dependence, which is painful and the way is not yet at all clear to me.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you are seeking support.

I did not even realize that I was co-dependent. There was no alcohol involved, but I was completely co-dependent with my husband and it caused a lot of pain in my life. In fact, my co-dependency led to depression, which eventually led to me beginning to drink. I was desperately trying to hold on to the illusion of my relationship and it was very hard, and yet very liberating to recognize things for what they really were.

I hope your husband will choose to stop drinking, and I hope that you will continue to seek support here.

gardner

There is a really great book called Co-Dependent No More. It helped me tremendously. There are also parts of this forum specifically for family and friends of alcoholics to post and get support. I would recommend reading and posting as much as you can on this site. Support helps!

roxiestone

Welcome whatishappy,

You've come to a great place. The folks in these forums are awesome. Also, you might consider finding a codependents anonymous and/or an alanon group in your area. I attend both and it has made a huge difference in my life. Also, I second the Codependent No More book - amazing, insightful stuff.

Keep coming back here. We are/were in your shoes. I especially relate to the being out in public and being embarrassed. Also, the step one mushy followed by the belligerent. Sheesh....and I had the same thoughts the day I moved in with him "what have I done".

Anyway, you'll find great experience, strength and hope are available to you and you begin your journey of getting to know YOU and placing value on you. I'm on that journey and it's a thing of wonderment. It's not always easy, but it is so worth it.

Again, welcome, and I'm glad you are here.