DayTrader

I'm one of those folks who believes had I not found the 12 Step program of AA I'd likely be dead.....if not by now it'd be right around the corner. I'm intrigued by the comment that "AA hasn't worked for you." I really haven't met anyone who got hooked up with even one good meeting, learned and worked all 12 steps - especially #12, that has said it wasn't for them.

Is it maybe possible that you're doing what I did at first: go to meetings and wait for the miracle to happen. That's not AA.....that's closer to how we acted IN our addiction than anything else.


Keep you chin up and keep pushing forward.

Zencat

Hi nancylee

Fortunately there is more that one way to recover from what seems to be a hopeless state of addiction. I use CBT/REBT as my main treatment modality for addiction. It can bring about the deep psychological changes that make living joyfully free of addiction a reality in my life.

Stick around here at SoberRecovery because you'll find the people here can be a great resource of inspiration and hope.

nancylee

DayTrader,
I have found that with two sponsors I have had, they always tell me to focus on Step One and I was never allowed to get past that. I am told I haven't surrendered so I can't go past that Step. I wasn't even allowed to go to Step Two, nevertheless Step 12!!!!

Snarf

Nancy, as has been pointed out, people use a variety of methods to not drink. I understand your feelings toward AA because I've had them myself.

My experience with AA began a while ago. 4 years ago I knew I needed to stop drinking. I checked into a detox/counseling facility and did a weekend there. After that I attended outpatient counseling sessions for a week, and then it was on to AA meetings. While I could see the problems my drinking was causing in my own life, I began to compare myself to the people in the counseling groups and AA meetings. These were people with multiple DUIs, guys whose wives had left them, people who had been fired from jobs, folks who ended up homeless and on the streets...It actually made me want to drink more. I was depressed when I heard these stories. I had a good job, an awesome girlfriend, I had never gotten a DUI, so I was not nearly as bad off as these other people. So after 5 weeks without alcohol, I decided I was up to the task of controlling my drinking. I resembled nothing like these poor saps who had thrown everything away. I could take care of myself.

Fast forward a few years. I had gotten 2 DUIs, been fired from a job, and my fiancee (the same as the aforementioned awesome girlfriend) was breaking up with me and kicking me out, leaving me on the verge of being on my own and homeless. I had reached a point of desperation, and one day while holding an unopened beer in my hand, I realized that my life was out of control and I needed help. I put that beer down, looked up the closest AA meeting, and went to that meeting and 3 more that day. That was 49 days ago, and I'm so thankful to have not had a drop of alcohol since then.

I guess that's a really long way of saying that we don't have to reach the depths to which others have sunk to be able to change. It's my belief that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and as such I believe that if I had committed myself to the AA program the first time around, if I had gotten past the barriers I had placed between myself and the program, I could've saved myself a lot of trouble and heartache. Not to mention 4 years of my life.

That being said, I live in a metro area with tons of meetings to choose from. I've noticed that I like some more that others, and when my schedule allows I try to attend the meetings I enjoy. I sure hope you're able to find whatever you need to keep you off the booze; your sobriety, not the method of attaining it, is what's important.

CupofJoe

Hi,

I just joined here, but I can relate to a lot of what you said. I drank for about my first year and a half in AA (people started avoiding me, too) and my first sponsor kept me on step 3 and kept telling me to go to meetings and it would eventually click and I'd just stay sober. It didn't work. Long story short, my current sponsor started lagging on the steps. So I dug out my Big Book and started following the directions in the first few chapters. That's why they wrote it. Then I called her up and said, "By the way, I'm working on my Fourth Step, let me know when you're ready to hear it." It took her by surprise, but I think she got how desperate I was to stop drinking.

I just wanted to let you know what I did in a similar situation. It really did make a difference.

I wish you all the best.

coffeenut

Hi Nancy....and WELCOME to SR! I'm glad you're here.

Do what YOU need to do to protect and strengthen your sobriety. There simply is not one single correct way to get sober. If there was, we'd all have used it years ago.

Read around the forum....read everything you can get your hands on. Do AA if you need it....don't, if you can find your way in another way. The key is to get sober and stay sober....by whatever method works for YOU.

Again....welcome!

DayTrader

Wow, this is almost impossible for me to say without it sounding ****** but: Good strong AA women are tough to find. To me, that's more a result of a lot of stupid men in AA who are more interested in getting laid than they are in helping another drunk. A lot of "new" women end up leaving the fellowship unless they're lucky enough to find the few needles in the haystack. Perhaps the sponsors you have need to be replaced. Maybe there's something you need to be doing differently. Truth is, I don't know but I really do believe in AA because I've seen it work for me and for at least the 50 or so ppl I have #'s for in my phone.....many of them with 10, 15, 20, 30, four or 5 with 40 and my great-grand-sponsor who has 51 years. These folks all are living "clean" but, most importantly, are happy people who enjoy life. I'm not in that "place" as much as I want to be.....so I know I have to keep working to get there.

Step one is simple: Can you guarantee you can control your drinking every time you drink? if NO, then move on to: When you drink one or two, or maybe several...has your experience been that you almost always want more - ie, once you start do you see that you've tended to "crave" more? if YES then move on to: Is neither of those a big deal to you and are you generally happy? If NO.......and you're willing to do something about it....... you've finished the first basic requirements for membership in AA and you've taken the first step. Of COURSE.....the more you work on the steps the more each individual step will mean to you. What any of the steps means to me today is different than they meant when I first started working them. I'm sure in 3-6 months, what they mean will have changed (grown) again. It's not always obvious to some ppl that someone with substantially less time than them isn't going to have as thorough or as deep an understanding for the steps as they do. Such wisdom only comes with time spent practicing the steps.

I hear all the time that AA is a "we" program but a lot of the work and a lot of the thinking has to be done alone. Nobody can "make" you powerless over alcohol, or willing to believe that a HP can restore you to sanity, or take your own inventory.....and so forth. Your experience with drinking should show you that when you get stuck in a rut......it's time to change something to get a different result.

Don't wait...... start looking today (or tomorrow AM) for some new meetings. Maybe they won't be as close or convenient but I tend to look as stuff like that as an opportunity for me to prove to myself just how important recovery is and how much I love myself. The area I live in isn't a hot-bed of good AA either so I found I had to hit a couple dozen meetings to find a couple that I like. Funny thing, those "good" meetings that I found years ago I now can't stand....so I've been searching for new ones again. I had to meet a TON of new ppl in recovery to find a sponsor I really believed in - someone who has a good sponsor himself - someone who takes their recovery as seriously as I take mine.

At it's most basic level, AA is about listening to the God of our understanding for some direction and then taking action.......now. Practice some meditation (see........now you get to work #11 ), listen for some advice from your HP, and make your move.

Just because someone's been IN AA for a number of months..........or years.........doesn't mean they have anything that you want other than time in the program. AA is about getting healthy and happy again. You need to find someone who's healthy and happy now and do what they did to get there.

nancylee

Thank you, DayTrader, for your very good advice. I am going to take it, and keep looking for a group I can relate to. I was nodding as I read your post, you read my mind,
THanks again,
Nancy

Crow3000

Hi Nancylee

I'm kind of new here myself but I would like it if you joined our month of May group going on now. I think we are all very supportive of whatever road you choose to take, and from what you have said it seems your meetings are distracting you from taking it one day at a time. Sounds like there is a lot of talk about the past, which appears to be depressing you, right? That may be good for some people at some point in their recovery but maybe not you, not now. I would say we in the May group are pretty focused on the moment (May people, please step in if you disagree) ... that is not to say that we don't discuss the past or the future either, we just mainly try to provide a lot of support day by day.

I personally don't attend any meetings, I've never even been to one. I might one day, maybe tomorrow, I don't know. Generally, I try not to close too many doors, I have locked myself out enough while drinking. Maybe if you get a good spell sober more options will open up to you, even AA. Please stop by and say Hi.

DayTrader

heh, I just edited it.......to clarify a couple points I was trying to make a little better.

I really really hope you find the life that deep down you just frickin KNOW you should have. It's there and it's not that far away.... KEEP LOOKING.

Emmy69

Hi Nancy. Welcome. I've never done the AA route so can't comment on that. But something you said really hit home for me. You're right about the addicted brain always, always, always finding excuses, tricks and lies to convince you over and over again that NOW you can control your drinking. At some point, the people who finally decide enough is enough realize they can never control it. It just doesn't work that way. I finally admitted to myself I drank to get drunk. Control was nowhere in the picture, no matter how many times my brain told me it was.

I'm still new to sobriety only 72 days in. But I feel better now than I have in 15 years. That's how long it took me to get it. 15 years. I hope it doesn't take that long for you, but maybe that's the nature of this beast.

Getting sober isn't about anybody else. It's about you. It's ok to be totally focused on yourself while you're getting sober.

Spend more time on SR, read more stories, post if you want to. You'll know when the time is right, and then you'll commit. And it won't be as hard as you think.

Stay strong! SR Rocks!

porkchopped

Hi NancyLee,

I find that I can relate to your post. I am a newcomer here. I had never thought of not drinking because I did not think I had a problem. I drank in moderation and not all too frequently. I made a bad choice on one night when I did not realize that I was impaired by alcohol (a DUI.. eyeroll - I never thought THAT person was me). That one event made it clear that it didn't matter what kind of person I had imagined I was (certainly not an alcoholic), alcohol impacted my life negatively and could have done the same to another innocent individual. I needed to take responsibility for myself and remove alcohol from the equation. I came here to find a community that understands. I have found it - without any judgment. Just sincere support. I do not see myself attending AA meetings, but who knows. I do think that it was important for me to first look in the mirror and realize that my life would be better without alcohol in it. Good luck to you!

NewBeginning010

One question... are looking for the similarities or the differences while attending your meetings?

Stang

Hi Nancy. I own a home and have never been homeless, divorced, prison (county yes), 3 arrest but no convictions. Never been fired for drinking though I was laying out of work with hangovers. My blood work said my liver is intact. I did have horrible withdrawel symptoms....GOOD GOD I don't want to ever go through that again.
I go to AA and had the same problem as you do. My sponser said to try this. when you think you are ok to drink because you are not "as bad" as some of the others members put a "yet" on the end of it.
Example: I haven't ended up living on the street yet! Also think of what you could have done and can do in the future with all the money you pissed away on booze.
I know how you feel.

susanlauren

Nancy,
Two people went to an AA meeting. The first man focused on the long drunkalogue, the sad stories of neglected kids, broken homes, lost jobs and multiple DUIs. As the meeting progressed, it only got worse. Since none of these things had happened to him, he couldn't relate. He felt depressed, left the meeting and went to the nearest bar to drink. The second man heard the gratitude in the speaker's story, heard of changed lives and restored homes. He listened and heard a poignant heartfelt expression. He heard the appreciation in the listener's comments. He left the meeting glad that he had attended and grateful to be a part of this community of recovery. Both men attended the exact same AA meeting. Each found what they were looking for in the meeting. SusanLauren

AmericanGirl

Hi Nancy. Thanks for this thread and thanks to everyone for your responses, all very helpful for me now. I'm on Day 27 now and have attended five AA meetings and feeling very mixed about the organization.

Nancy, what helps me is to remind myself of all the horrible things that I did do/FEEL/the reasons I realized I was powerless and my life was out of control. Just because the repercussions of drinking weren't always tangible or evident to those outside of my head, doesn't mean they weren't as valid. The fact that you are here and in AA, to me, means you must have these reasons too.

Keeping a list is helpful. The list is for thoughts and feeling but also for infractions that might not sound huge in AA but are still negative consequences of drinking. For example, I've never gotten a DUI, BUT the truth is, I have only had a car for a few years, putting me at much less risk, and I got pulled over while drunk once, making it a real possibility, and I also did $1200 damage to my car once while driving intoxicated. Again, the emotional consequences were worse for me, but there were real external ones as well.

I blathered a little extra here but I'm cutting it out . . .please PM me if you want to talk more. I'm really new at this and all I'm offering is my extremely limited personal experience, so consider that a huge caveat. I still see many benefits of attending AA meetings.

least

Altho there are many differences between me and the other people at meetings, out similarities are greater than our differences. Look for what you have in common, not what's different.

There are lots of ways to stay sober - try them all, and work them like your life depends on it - cause it does.