artsoul

It's only day 3 but all of the sudden it feels like day 3000 - is this normal? I think it's usually about the 3rd day off alcohol that I start getting antsy. I just got one of those zingers out of nowhere (wouldn't it be nice to get a little buzzed tonight). Wow. Usually when I start thinking about very long past that initial thought, I'm already getting my purse and heading for the car. I was fine just 10 minutes ago! It's a little scary, really.

I need to learn how to counter that fantasy (which is all it is) of a nice evening drinking, with reality. I hate cravings. I'm hoping that the more I practice getting through this, the more confidence I'll have.

Have to start working back in my studio tomorrow. I've used alcohol to "help" me paint as times (have a fear of the blank canvas!), so I've taken off the last couple days from it and spent the time here. Couldn't have done it without y'all. Good luck to everyone trying to stay sober tonight - there's a whole lot of us.

Dee74

They do come out of nowhere, don't they?

I found SR to be a great help - not only is there always support but you can go back and read your old posts, or other peoples, to remind yourself of the reality.

I'm a musician and I always used to be either drunk or stoned to compose - I used to think it was necessary, but actually? it's not

I believe the inspiration and talent is always there - I'm sure you'll work through it too, artsoul

D

artsoul

Man, do they ever! Thanks Dee, I feel better already reading your post.

AtlasMcGee

Me in a nutshell, I have that anxiety too, but you all keep reminding me of the one day at a time rule of thumb & for that I am grateful, it takes a load off. I definitely used in order to calm my anxiety (esp. social) or just because in my mind EVERYTHING is sooo much better while under the influence.

I'm glad you're here artsoul, you've already helped me out & so has everyone else in this network. I really don't think I would have made it this far without having read the posts on here and gaining feedback on my own. Thank You all so much!

franklymydear

Ah hell, I know it's in there, it's just accessing it that can sometimes be the problem. I mean man, I have dreams where there are no visuals, but original music is just pouring out of somewhere deep inside. Just need to find ways of tapping into that.

I don't think it's the pot or alcohol that are directly getting a person in touch with that inner music (or poetry, art, etc); they are simply "tools" which help relax, calm and quiet the mind. Of course, there are other more natural, internal tools, such as meditation, progressive muscle relation, etc, that can help bring about a quiet focus. I know I've felt that kind of calm, artistic clarity at times, and I don't doubt that it's habit just like everything else! Practice, practice. Nothing gained without sacrifice (in this case, time and energy).

Dee74

I agree it's practice FMD

I've had to really work at various times over the last couple of years to coax anything decent out of my guitar - which honestly was a new one on me - it seemed to me I used to recieve things from the ether....

Not true of course but I never thought about the process before because I was often so 'relaxed' as to be near comatose...

but not only is the sense of accomplishment greater, but the quality is at least as good, and frequently better, than anything I've done in the last 20 years.

There's a younger me dying somewhere as I say this LOL, but there really is something to be said for some self discipline and application

D

Richard54

Artsoul like you I've got upteen projects on the go.
Half done things everywhere in my life, my home, my music.
I'm thinking as the sober weeks go by a lot of these things are finally going to get done and come to completion.
Rather than let the boredom set in (trigger?) finish some stuff up.
When I'm drinking I always seem leave things half way finished for ages. Sober, I can get cracking on them.

artsoul

Thank you, all of you, for your help.

Atlas - so, I'm not alone with my neurosis....lol. Thanks -you've been such a big help to me, too. I'm so glad you've were here my first few days.

Frankly - I think you reminded me that inspiration comes more readily with a calm mind. Thanks. Alcohol seemed like it was giving me that calm mind, but it was really just shutting my mind down temporarily, which only worked for a couple hours. Then it backfired. Next day, the anxiety meant I needed to start drinking again if I was going to get any work done. And, of course, I missed SO many days because I could hardly get out of the bed.

Dee - your posts always help me. I used to play guitar, too. Alot easier to do it in front of people after a drink, but after 5 or 6, it didn't sound quite as good. hmmm..... I had to laugh when you said "so 'relaxed' as to be near comatose..." oh boy, I know that feeling. What does FMD mean, by the way?

Richard - thanks for making me feel understood! You've been a big help, too. I hope I can tackle some things around my house, too. Can't even get in my closet right now. I like watching the show Hoarding on TV cuz it makes me feel better.

Well, I'm about to go get some things done. Trying to be patient with myself, keep it simple, and just take things as they come today. Hope everyone has a great day!!!!!

Hevyn

It's wonderful to see you feeling encouraged and full of hope.

Dee74

FMD means Frankly My Dear...I'm lazy

D

franklymydear

Right, like blunting the mind with a sledgehammer instead of massaging it into shape like clay.

Hey, I'm just happey to be acronymified. =)

artsoul

Exactly, FMD! (I got the initials now! Thanks, Dee)

Actually got a few things done today. And it felt GOOD! Hope you are having a great evening!

JohnnydJersey

Im a published poet and have written a couple thousand poems and I know exactly what you mean. I always used alcohol to loosen me up and bring out the emotional and creative side of me. Then I realized that it didnt matter how good my poems were going to be if I died from alcoholism before my daughter grew up. So thats when I got a handle on it.

four812

People do care artsoul. people in AA that you used to know (if still there) will care...and new people will care, and you've got a lot of people caring on this website.

You can do this, and you are doing this. I'm proud of you.

artsoul

I hear ya. I have 3 kids and can't imagine them having to deal with that.

At first, drinking helped with the anxiety (and gave me a reward for working). It's hard to be creative everyday, even if your mortgage depends on it. After a little while, though, alcohol sapped all the joy/peace I had, which I could have used in my work. Nope, it didn't help after all.

artsoul

Thanks ksplash. I really am starting to feel that caring. Had also forgotten how it feels to care back. This website is great therapy.

Anna

Artsoul, I'm glad you're doing well!

I have learned so, so much about caring, giving and loving from the people on SR and I'm glad you are finding the same.

franklymydear

In a lot of different ways.

For me, I'm finding some comfort, even if there's nothing for people to really respond to, in my "online journal". It's therapeutic to have my thoughts out there, written down, solidified. Even just the idea that I've got it "out there", and people might read it, seems more motivating than just writing it down in a private journal!

How are things coming along?

franklymydear

Hey! Haven't heard from you in a day, and that's unusual. Hope everything's going great.