Why do I do this?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Why do I do this?
Hello SR - I'm on my seventh or eigth drink tonight, after almost 4 days sober, which is good for me. I got to those 4 days after reading posts on this website for the past 5 or 6 days. I know with my intellect that I must be an alcoholic, because I've gone into treatment (voluntarily) twice.... once in 1988 and again in 1999. Here I am again, in an uncanny 11-year cycle. I've done AA. I've done 90 meetings in 90 days with both recoveries. I stayed sober for several years both time. I GOT it. Yet, I'm here again, after
slowly building up to a bottle of wine a day for 4 or 5 days a week, or 6-12 beers if I decided the wine got me looped too quickly.
As an artist, I used it to loosen me up creatively. As someone who has OCD tendencies, I used it to calm my anxiety. I've been diagnosed with depression and alcohol seemed to help me forget my troubles. I used it to feel normal. I used it when I was happy, sad, bored (oh yeah) - or just for no reason at all. As a smoker, I've rationalized that since I will probably die of lung cancer, what difference does it make if I drink? I even rationalized it to the point that I thought if I drink tonight, I can join the May Group on SR rather than jump in the April Group last minute. Totally inane or what?!
I've read so many posts here. Yet I keep thinking maybe I'm different. Maybe someday I'll control it. Maybe I'm a little stonger or smarter than others. But in the dawn of those days after I've had too much to drink, all I do is ask God, beg Him, to show me the way, to stop the madness. There is nothing like withdrawal from alcohol, especially when you have to do it every 4 or 5 days. Since I work alone from home, no one (not even my two girls who live with me) know what I go through. The tremers, anxiety, shame and guilt, wondering when and if I'll eat that day, who to call, what to do......and thinking "oh please, I don't want to deal with ANYONE."
I can rationalize the first couple times I was in treament- since I suffer from depression and OCD, alcohol was only a way to cope. I needed help and wasn't getting it. Yet here I am today, on Prozac (which works well for me) and I'm still self-medicating. I'm also a spiritual seeker and have dedicated many years to studying spiritual disciplines. Looking for answers, peace, truth.....I even got to the point where I decided that if it was my purpose in this life to be an alcoholic, so be it. I wonder - has anyone else felt as though this was their karma?
Then again, I may need to get it through my head that I am just the same as other addicts when it comes to alcohol. What makes me think I can keep doing this and somehow beat the odds? Three days ago I was resolute to quit. I'd had enough of the sweats, anxiety, being startled at the least sound, sleeplessness, fear that my kids would find my empty cans/bottles, liver damage, etc, etc... Have I reached the bottom? No, but I'm afriad my bottom would be hospitalization. I don't want to go there. I've had a racing heart several times. I sure have wondered about my liver. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel miserable, maybe a little better or worse than in days past. I've not had the nerve to go back to AA (a small town), so I was thinking I might get some support/friends here to propel me to a new life.....
I admire and congratulate all of you who have maintained sobriety for any period of time. And thanks for the website - it has inspired me to begin again....
slowly building up to a bottle of wine a day for 4 or 5 days a week, or 6-12 beers if I decided the wine got me looped too quickly.
As an artist, I used it to loosen me up creatively. As someone who has OCD tendencies, I used it to calm my anxiety. I've been diagnosed with depression and alcohol seemed to help me forget my troubles. I used it to feel normal. I used it when I was happy, sad, bored (oh yeah) - or just for no reason at all. As a smoker, I've rationalized that since I will probably die of lung cancer, what difference does it make if I drink? I even rationalized it to the point that I thought if I drink tonight, I can join the May Group on SR rather than jump in the April Group last minute. Totally inane or what?!
I've read so many posts here. Yet I keep thinking maybe I'm different. Maybe someday I'll control it. Maybe I'm a little stonger or smarter than others. But in the dawn of those days after I've had too much to drink, all I do is ask God, beg Him, to show me the way, to stop the madness. There is nothing like withdrawal from alcohol, especially when you have to do it every 4 or 5 days. Since I work alone from home, no one (not even my two girls who live with me) know what I go through. The tremers, anxiety, shame and guilt, wondering when and if I'll eat that day, who to call, what to do......and thinking "oh please, I don't want to deal with ANYONE."
I can rationalize the first couple times I was in treament- since I suffer from depression and OCD, alcohol was only a way to cope. I needed help and wasn't getting it. Yet here I am today, on Prozac (which works well for me) and I'm still self-medicating. I'm also a spiritual seeker and have dedicated many years to studying spiritual disciplines. Looking for answers, peace, truth.....I even got to the point where I decided that if it was my purpose in this life to be an alcoholic, so be it. I wonder - has anyone else felt as though this was their karma?
Then again, I may need to get it through my head that I am just the same as other addicts when it comes to alcohol. What makes me think I can keep doing this and somehow beat the odds? Three days ago I was resolute to quit. I'd had enough of the sweats, anxiety, being startled at the least sound, sleeplessness, fear that my kids would find my empty cans/bottles, liver damage, etc, etc... Have I reached the bottom? No, but I'm afriad my bottom would be hospitalization. I don't want to go there. I've had a racing heart several times. I sure have wondered about my liver. Tomorrow, I'll probably feel miserable, maybe a little better or worse than in days past. I've not had the nerve to go back to AA (a small town), so I was thinking I might get some support/friends here to propel me to a new life.....
I admire and congratulate all of you who have maintained sobriety for any period of time. And thanks for the website - it has inspired me to begin again....
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Welcome to SR, artsoul. Glad you found us. We've all pretty much been where you are so we know how you are feeling. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope to be found here. Read the stickies at the top of this forum and also on the Alcoholism forum. There is some great wisdom there. If you are truly ready to stop the cycle, we can help you. From what I've heard, AA doesn't shoot their wounded, so I hope you will give going back a second thought. When you attended before, did you just go to meetings or did you have a sponsor and work the steps? Working the steps is what allows us to look inside ourselves and enact true change.
In any case, I hope you'll stick around and read what others like yourself have to say. This is a great forum, and again, you might also want to check out the alcoholism forum. I've posted the link below. Welcome to SR!
Alcoholism - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
In any case, I hope you'll stick around and read what others like yourself have to say. This is a great forum, and again, you might also want to check out the alcoholism forum. I've posted the link below. Welcome to SR!
Alcoholism - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Location: Mississippi
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oh, thank you Suki, for your reply! Thank you. I felt your words in my heart..... I did have a sponsor at one time. And I do have a friend who has been sober for many, many years in AA that I should have(but haven't) called. I guess the shame is one factor. More so, however, is the great FEAR that I will commit, only to disappoint later.
SR Fan
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
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You're absolutely right. I think posting here is the first step towards being honest again. When I was active in AA, I remember the liberating feeling of being able to tell the truth about what was happening with me. It's been a long time since I had that. I'm going to call my friend tomorrow evening, after I get back from a business trip. Thank you for reminding me. It brings tears to my eyes to think that people might still care. Silly, I know, but that's where I've been at for quite a while.
The wine has made me a little sleepy and I only have 6 hours to sleep, so I'm going to check out for the evening. I look forward to being back here tomorrow, May 1, which I hope will be a new day for me. Thanks again.
The wine has made me a little sleepy and I only have 6 hours to sleep, so I'm going to check out for the evening. I look forward to being back here tomorrow, May 1, which I hope will be a new day for me. Thanks again.
Awakening
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Riverside, CA
Posts: 290
I suffer from depression and anxiety, too. Alcohol, which helped numb my anxiety, soon became a great subject in my life to feel anxious about. It also undermined my commitments to other things in my life, by leaving me feeling cruddy all the time, and I felt like I could never rely on myself. That sense of helplessness has made for more anxiety in my life than any other problem I've ever faced.
Don't feel too bad about rationalization, either. It is the heart and soul of alcoholism. That's why we seek out and maintain connection to other recovering alcoholics. They are there to keep us honest with ourselves, when we cannot be. (It's also nice not to face a problem like this alone, too)
Rev
Don't feel too bad about rationalization, either. It is the heart and soul of alcoholism. That's why we seek out and maintain connection to other recovering alcoholics. They are there to keep us honest with ourselves, when we cannot be. (It's also nice not to face a problem like this alone, too)
Rev
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Welcome to SR!! You will find plenty of support from like minded souls. There is a wealth of useful information and experiences to read through to help you on your journey.
The alcoholic is one who believes they can have just one when the truth is we can not. I lied to myself and others about my abuse for years. Never wanting to say....I am an alcoholic.
Through alcohol.....I developed health issues and discovered the misery of anxiety and panic attacks. Alcohol was no longer recreational but a emotional crutch to see me through the tough times and before I realized it...well it was a habit and part of my life. Every bad or good event required alcohol. I consumed at home mostly but had not problem getting trashed at a party. When I drank at home....I became withdrawn, miserable and self-loathing. I hated myself and the more the negative thoughts came....the more I pounded down the drinks.
Only through sobriety have a gotten that edge back. My days are productive and I am discovering all the lost beauty in my life. In my darkest hour....I tossed the booze and will never drink again. I am truly blessed to be alive and given a 2nd chance.
Hang on my friend and stick it out. Sobriety is amazing life and one that you can do.
Please post away on your recovery. Know that all of us are here for you.
The alcoholic is one who believes they can have just one when the truth is we can not. I lied to myself and others about my abuse for years. Never wanting to say....I am an alcoholic.
Through alcohol.....I developed health issues and discovered the misery of anxiety and panic attacks. Alcohol was no longer recreational but a emotional crutch to see me through the tough times and before I realized it...well it was a habit and part of my life. Every bad or good event required alcohol. I consumed at home mostly but had not problem getting trashed at a party. When I drank at home....I became withdrawn, miserable and self-loathing. I hated myself and the more the negative thoughts came....the more I pounded down the drinks.
Only through sobriety have a gotten that edge back. My days are productive and I am discovering all the lost beauty in my life. In my darkest hour....I tossed the booze and will never drink again. I am truly blessed to be alive and given a 2nd chance.
Hang on my friend and stick it out. Sobriety is amazing life and one that you can do.
Please post away on your recovery. Know that all of us are here for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Artsoul
I found SR three years ago...I was an all day every drinker, I was killing myself...a lot of what I used to think you've vocalised too...it is insane, yeah.
I knew it had to stop if I wanted to live but I didn't have any idea how.
SR helped me to work that out - it helped to get me sober, and it still helps to keep me that way.
I hope we can do the same for you
Like Suki says, it's a long journey - but this is a great start.
Welcome!
D
I found SR three years ago...I was an all day every drinker, I was killing myself...a lot of what I used to think you've vocalised too...it is insane, yeah.
I knew it had to stop if I wanted to live but I didn't have any idea how.
SR helped me to work that out - it helped to get me sober, and it still helps to keep me that way.
I hope we can do the same for you
Like Suki says, it's a long journey - but this is a great start.
Welcome!
D
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Thank you, artsoul for a heartfelt post. I share your confusion about the whole thing - I still don't get why or how my life turned into chaos as I tried to moderate my drinking. Anything but have to give it up entirely! Why!?
I had to stop thinking it was a matter of willpower. I spent decades insisting if I just tried hard enough I could learn to moderate. It never worked once. In the process of trying to hold on to it, I left a trail of destruction behind me - and almost lost my life. When I came here I was awed by the upbeat and encouraging people I met. Many of them had been through hell too - I no longer had to suffer alone. Fortunately, you already know what has to be done.
I hope you will find comfort and strength here - we are glad to have you, and look forward to hearing more about your journey.
I had to stop thinking it was a matter of willpower. I spent decades insisting if I just tried hard enough I could learn to moderate. It never worked once. In the process of trying to hold on to it, I left a trail of destruction behind me - and almost lost my life. When I came here I was awed by the upbeat and encouraging people I met. Many of them had been through hell too - I no longer had to suffer alone. Fortunately, you already know what has to be done.
I hope you will find comfort and strength here - we are glad to have you, and look forward to hearing more about your journey.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Welcome to SR! I hope you can quit drinking soon. It's really not worth the sickness, regret, and self hatred it brings on. I'm nearing five months sober and feel so much better about myself and my life. I hope we can help you find the motivation to quit. Don't give up. Keep trying until you 'get it right'.
I hope you can quit drinking soon. It's really not worth the sickness, regret, and self hatred it brings on. I'm nearing five months sober and feel so much better about myself and my life. I hope we can help you find the motivation to quit. Don't give up. Keep trying until you 'get it right'. Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
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Welcome Art ~
I believe that your prayers to be shown the way resulted in you actually being led to post here - a step up from reading - which is a big step. We're glad you're with us.
I did the same as you back in the 80's and 90's - I went through all the motions of AA, 90 in 90, sponsor, etc. but I didn't get it. And I didn't get it because I didn't want it badly enough back then.
Fast forward 10 years and my bottom didn't consist of losing my home, job, family, health, etc. - it was a total emotional bottom, which you described as having to a T.
It was only then that that I returned to AA and put my heart and soul into it. It was then that I really got it.
Altho AA was an important part of my early sobriety, I attibute my continued life in recovery to a licensed alcoholism counselor who was in recovery himself for many years. I saw him on an outpatient basis thru my community rehab. He gave me the tools I needed to live this very full and wonderful life without having to use alcohol to escape from stress or to 'loosen up the creative juices' so to speak. He saved my life.
I have this saying posted on my wall: If we did the things we're capable of, we would astound ourselves.
I think sometimes that's our fear. You're in good company. Be well.
I believe that your prayers to be shown the way resulted in you actually being led to post here - a step up from reading - which is a big step. We're glad you're with us.
I did the same as you back in the 80's and 90's - I went through all the motions of AA, 90 in 90, sponsor, etc. but I didn't get it. And I didn't get it because I didn't want it badly enough back then.
Fast forward 10 years and my bottom didn't consist of losing my home, job, family, health, etc. - it was a total emotional bottom, which you described as having to a T.
It was only then that that I returned to AA and put my heart and soul into it. It was then that I really got it.
Altho AA was an important part of my early sobriety, I attibute my continued life in recovery to a licensed alcoholism counselor who was in recovery himself for many years. I saw him on an outpatient basis thru my community rehab. He gave me the tools I needed to live this very full and wonderful life without having to use alcohol to escape from stress or to 'loosen up the creative juices' so to speak. He saved my life.
I have this saying posted on my wall: If we did the things we're capable of, we would astound ourselves.
I think sometimes that's our fear. You're in good company. Be well.
SR Fan
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Thank you so much to everyone - you all said something that really hit home:
Rev - your words really sum up so much for me. Ironic that drinking to remove anxiety creates more of it.... never thought about it that way. Hevyn - what I loved in your post was "anything but give it up entirely. Why?!" That was a zinger. Humblebee - you're the first person I know of (other than myself) who has referred to an "emotional bottom. Made me feel that you really understood. Thanks. Kmbr - you hit the nail on the head when you talk about alcohol going from being recreational to an emotional crutch. For me lately, there's been no pleasure at all. I think I've just been attempting to keep from feeling overwhelmed. And suki, you responded to me right away, when I felt like I was in a deep hole. Hugs to you. Thank you also coffenut, Dee, Least, and Ruebena. It means alot to have each of your support.
I manage to go on my business trip today, feeling less than well. Thank goodness I didn't have to do much more than make a delivery. When I initially got up this morning I really didn't know if I would be OK on the road. More than anything, I hate that feeling of the inside tremors. There should be a word for that feeling.......
What is the pits, is that the slight contenment I've gotten lately from drinking is really disproportionate to the way I feel the next day. And control? Yeah, right. For example, yesterday, I figured I'd just have a six-pack starting late afternoon until bedtime. No big deal. But then, my daughter and her boyfriend ended up getting one of those big bottles of wine, and brought me a nice big glass, after I'd had the beers (which they didn't know....). By the time the evening was over, I'd had another big glass, and then a small glass, and then much later, finishing off their bottle of wine. You know, if there had been more, I'm sure I would had kept on..... I have a good enough intellect. I just don't understand why it doesn't work when it comes to controlling drinking. Hevyn, you said you had to stop thinking of it in terms of willpower. I'd like to hear more about that.
Well, enough for now. May 1 - my (latest) first day sober. I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone here. I been hanging around for weeks (sometimes reading for hours on end) and I'm glad I finally got the nerve to post.
Rev - your words really sum up so much for me. Ironic that drinking to remove anxiety creates more of it.... never thought about it that way. Hevyn - what I loved in your post was "anything but give it up entirely. Why?!" That was a zinger. Humblebee - you're the first person I know of (other than myself) who has referred to an "emotional bottom. Made me feel that you really understood. Thanks. Kmbr - you hit the nail on the head when you talk about alcohol going from being recreational to an emotional crutch. For me lately, there's been no pleasure at all. I think I've just been attempting to keep from feeling overwhelmed. And suki, you responded to me right away, when I felt like I was in a deep hole. Hugs to you. Thank you also coffenut, Dee, Least, and Ruebena. It means alot to have each of your support.
I manage to go on my business trip today, feeling less than well. Thank goodness I didn't have to do much more than make a delivery. When I initially got up this morning I really didn't know if I would be OK on the road. More than anything, I hate that feeling of the inside tremors. There should be a word for that feeling.......
What is the pits, is that the slight contenment I've gotten lately from drinking is really disproportionate to the way I feel the next day. And control? Yeah, right. For example, yesterday, I figured I'd just have a six-pack starting late afternoon until bedtime. No big deal. But then, my daughter and her boyfriend ended up getting one of those big bottles of wine, and brought me a nice big glass, after I'd had the beers (which they didn't know....). By the time the evening was over, I'd had another big glass, and then a small glass, and then much later, finishing off their bottle of wine. You know, if there had been more, I'm sure I would had kept on..... I have a good enough intellect. I just don't understand why it doesn't work when it comes to controlling drinking. Hevyn, you said you had to stop thinking of it in terms of willpower. I'd like to hear more about that.Well, enough for now. May 1 - my (latest) first day sober. I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone here. I been hanging around for weeks (sometimes reading for hours on end) and I'm glad I finally got the nerve to post.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Hi Artsoul,
Your posts sound very familiar to me. I also used alcohol to self-medicate depression and anxiety. It worked for a little while, and then so quickly it turned on me and I was hooked. I went through periods of being determined to moderate my drinking and ended up obsessing about it. I also was ready to throw in the towel and accept that it was my fate to be an alcoholic. But, thank god, there was something in me that pushed me to not give up.
Don't give up, ever, because this disease will eat you alive. You can do this and we are here to offer support.
Your posts sound very familiar to me. I also used alcohol to self-medicate depression and anxiety. It worked for a little while, and then so quickly it turned on me and I was hooked. I went through periods of being determined to moderate my drinking and ended up obsessing about it. I also was ready to throw in the towel and accept that it was my fate to be an alcoholic. But, thank god, there was something in me that pushed me to not give up.
Don't give up, ever, because this disease will eat you alive. You can do this and we are here to offer support.
SR Fan
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Yeah, Anna, I think the word "obsession" fits perfectly. I didn't really notice how alcohol had taken over my thoughts - I guess it grew slowly enough that it started to feel normal somehow. I'm still obsessing over it, but I hope this just fuels my resolve to remain sober. I spent several hours on SR last night, also visited the bookstore yesterday (got some Wayne Dyer books).
I'm still not completely over that feeling of being nervous. Had to take something for the headache and joint pains last night. BUT I DID have a slight twinge of joy this morning (now Day 2). It involved my bed, a cup of coffee and a thunderstorm. It was truly wonderful..... But as I sit here, I'm thinking: what happens when I start taking those little things for granted? Am I just enjoying this because it is so new?
One of my biggest fears is that I will get bored once again with sobriety and stop caring just long enough to take another first drink. Anyone have that problem? I have a hard time doing anything for very long. Always taking on new projects (many of which get abandoned before they're done). I don't want to do this with my sobriety. Any input?
I'm still not completely over that feeling of being nervous. Had to take something for the headache and joint pains last night. BUT I DID have a slight twinge of joy this morning (now Day 2). It involved my bed, a cup of coffee and a thunderstorm. It was truly wonderful..... But as I sit here, I'm thinking: what happens when I start taking those little things for granted? Am I just enjoying this because it is so new?
One of my biggest fears is that I will get bored once again with sobriety and stop caring just long enough to take another first drink. Anyone have that problem? I have a hard time doing anything for very long. Always taking on new projects (many of which get abandoned before they're done). I don't want to do this with my sobriety. Any input?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
artsoul,
all you have to focus on is this moment. all any of us have is today. you can worry about tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now and ruin today. life has its ups and downs. you might not realize it if you drink the good times and the bad times. if I were you, I would focus on staying sober -- today -- and let tomorrow take care of itself. there are enough worries for this single day.
SusanLauren
all you have to focus on is this moment. all any of us have is today. you can worry about tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now and ruin today. life has its ups and downs. you might not realize it if you drink the good times and the bad times. if I were you, I would focus on staying sober -- today -- and let tomorrow take care of itself. there are enough worries for this single day.
SusanLauren
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Yes, Artsoul - tiny baby steps, as they say. We can't look too far down the road in the beginning. Later, you can make some plans and try to insure you don't relapse, but these are early days yet. Try not to overwhelm yourself.
It's very encouraging that you had your "twinge of joy" this morning. I sure didn't have anything remotely like that for weeks. It sounds as if you'll have an easier withdrawal than I did - I hope that's the case! Very happy to hear it's going quite well. We're in your corner - and please know that it's helping me to read what you're going through. (As in - never again can I put myself through that!)
It's very encouraging that you had your "twinge of joy" this morning. I sure didn't have anything remotely like that for weeks. It sounds as if you'll have an easier withdrawal than I did - I hope that's the case! Very happy to hear it's going quite well. We're in your corner - and please know that it's helping me to read what you're going through. (As in - never again can I put myself through that!)
SR Fan
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Thanks, Hevyn. If anyone can see themselves in my posts, I'm grateful, because I sure feel the same way about all of you. The support means alot to me right now.
I think I'm going to tattoo "Try not to overwhelm yourself" on my forehead.
I think I'm going to tattoo "Try not to overwhelm yourself" on my forehead.
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