I'm going to flip
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
I'm going to flip
Hey, people...new and old.
It's Bam. I've been really depressed lately. My meds aren't working and it's going to be a few weeks until I transition into something new.
I hit a year sober on April 1st. Yup, still sober...but not having any fun. I feel like sh!t.
I'm exhausted all the time. I just quit my job (I was able to work out a 2-weeks notice) because I was headed for a relapse. I was in an extremely toxic work environment. It really sucks to have to choose between a job and mental wellbeing, but I have to look out for number one. One of the people who works there knows exactly why I quit. She's been in AA for almost 30 years and as soon as I told her what was going on she understood.
I can't go back to being a drunk.
...but I can't stay in this state of mind, either.
I need to hold out until I can get to my doctor next week. I have an appointment Tuesday...and in about a week I'll see my therapist again.
I've been isolating a lot...blowing people off...abandoning this place...which was a mistake. There are good people here. How are you all doing? What's up?
It's Bam. I've been really depressed lately. My meds aren't working and it's going to be a few weeks until I transition into something new.
I hit a year sober on April 1st. Yup, still sober...but not having any fun. I feel like sh!t.
I'm exhausted all the time. I just quit my job (I was able to work out a 2-weeks notice) because I was headed for a relapse. I was in an extremely toxic work environment. It really sucks to have to choose between a job and mental wellbeing, but I have to look out for number one. One of the people who works there knows exactly why I quit. She's been in AA for almost 30 years and as soon as I told her what was going on she understood.
I can't go back to being a drunk.
...but I can't stay in this state of mind, either.
I need to hold out until I can get to my doctor next week. I have an appointment Tuesday...and in about a week I'll see my therapist again.
I've been isolating a lot...blowing people off...abandoning this place...which was a mistake. There are good people here. How are you all doing? What's up?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Big hugs for you, my friend! :ghug3 I've missed your presence around here.
I sure hope your doctor can straighten out your meds so you can have some peace again. I know how bad it can get and I hope you get thru it (sober!) and start feeling less stressed and depressed. Love ya!
I sure hope your doctor can straighten out your meds so you can have some peace again. I know how bad it can get and I hope you get thru it (sober!) and start feeling less stressed and depressed. Love ya! Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Good to see you back Bam!
You're always welcome here - and theres always good people around
Hope that med transition is quick and smooth for you
I'm really pleased to hear you have a year btw - regardless of how crappy life can be, that's something to trumpet - good on you!
D
You're always welcome here - and theres always good people around
Hope that med transition is quick and smooth for you
I'm really pleased to hear you have a year btw - regardless of how crappy life can be, that's something to trumpet - good on you!
D
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
You folks are making me cry. 
You have no idea how much you people mean to me. I'm sorry I haven't said much. I'm sorry I went away. I hate it when I get like this. Depression is ahead but I'm still in the game.
You have no idea how much you people mean to me. I'm sorry I haven't said much. I'm sorry I went away. I hate it when I get like this. Depression is ahead but I'm still in the game.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,237
Hi Bam, well you stayed sober!!! when life starts throwing curve balls it's hard to stay sober...hell even the best days it's tough..I'm just over 3 months troubles with my bf have really tested me, but like you I can't go back to being a drunk!! I got a dui in January and that is why I am here on this forum today....it really was a blessing in disguise... Congrads to u on a year sobriety!!! holdfast!!
when life starts throwing curve balls it's hard to stay sober...hell even the best days it's tough..I'm just over 3 months troubles with my bf have really tested me, but like you I can't go back to being a drunk!! I got a dui in January and that is why I am here on this forum today....it really was a blessing in disguise... Congrads to u on a year sobriety!!! holdfast!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
(((Bam)))
You're always in the game! You've been missed probably more than you know. Someone told me a fart joke the other day and I thought of you! LOL Wish I could remember it now!
Love,
Lenina
You're always in the game! You've been missed probably more than you know. Someone told me a fart joke the other day and I thought of you! LOL Wish I could remember it now!
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I was reading an old post yesterday and wondered where you were! And here you are...
Congrats on the year...as an alcoholic that is an achievement in itself, now get happy, joyous and free for the second!
Congrats on the year...as an alcoholic that is an achievement in itself, now get happy, joyous and free for the second!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Bam,
It's so gooid to see you back here!
I'm glad you have a drs appointment coming up fairly soon, and I hope that the new meds will work out for you. It's too bad you have to leave your job, but you're right that you are the one who has to look out for you.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
It's so gooid to see you back here!
I'm glad you have a drs appointment coming up fairly soon, and I hope that the new meds will work out for you. It's too bad you have to leave your job, but you're right that you are the one who has to look out for you.
I hope you keep reading and posting.
Missed ya! 
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
It's funny.
I know the #1 reason I quit is for me....but it wasn't all for me.
My niece is over a year old now. I was there for her birth--I got to hear her first cries. She was born around my last relapse and about the time I finally went to see a therapist.
One thing that keeps me going is her. I don't want her to deal with a drunken aunt. Besides, she likes me. She's walking now and getting into everything. She's always looking around at everyone for approval. I want to be able to be in her life in a positive way. I get to baby-sit tomorrow. Yeah, me.
It's been really hard to keep my motivation going...not just for sobriety but for life. I still don't have any answers to my questions but I'm still searching. Healing takes a dang long time.
I know the #1 reason I quit is for me....but it wasn't all for me.
My niece is over a year old now. I was there for her birth--I got to hear her first cries. She was born around my last relapse and about the time I finally went to see a therapist.
One thing that keeps me going is her. I don't want her to deal with a drunken aunt. Besides, she likes me.
She's walking now and getting into everything. She's always looking around at everyone for approval. I want to be able to be in her life in a positive way. I get to baby-sit tomorrow. Yeah, me. It's been really hard to keep my motivation going...not just for sobriety but for life. I still don't have any answers to my questions but I'm still searching. Healing takes a dang long time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Bam, that job and mental well-being stuff has been on my mind lately too. I'm looking for a new one and I have 5.5 months. I don't feel like I am on thin ice right now, but I am mindful, wary. I'm not used to being picky in this way.
Hang safe until you get the appointments taken care of.
Hang safe until you get the appointments taken care of.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
(((Bam)))
My aunt was such positive influence in my life, I know she made my life a lot better! Congrats on the niece! She's lucky to have you!
Here, pull my finger....(sorry, that's the best I can do for now)
Love,
Lenina
My aunt was such positive influence in my life, I know she made my life a lot better! Congrats on the niece! She's lucky to have you!
Here, pull my finger....(sorry, that's the best I can do for now)
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
bamboozle
i've known depression for most of my adult life. I've stayed on my meds and have been depression free for 7 years now.
anyway I wrote a poem in one of my depressions, and thought you might relate:
In the Palace of Torment (by ksplash5)
Alone in the day
midst the beat of the world
He is lost in a curse
of dis-ease and depression
ever missing the joy of the moment
His story is gone
his past an illusion
of regrets and lost chances
and dreams traded in for reality
no longer creating his destiny
For he is stuck in a struggle
to be like everyone else
scared to be different
and afraid to be seen
by the merciless judge of our culture
Afraid that others will think him
a loser, a coward, a freak, and a waste
to be deserted and scorned
as an odd sort of breed
who is ignored and left to wither away
But if he’d let go
of the worry and fear
that reside in his palace of torment
then he could become his authentic self
and soar through each day
towards the Light of his Wonder
towards the Dream in his Soul
towards the Peace that is given
to each life of love that God holds in his hands
i've known depression for most of my adult life. I've stayed on my meds and have been depression free for 7 years now.
anyway I wrote a poem in one of my depressions, and thought you might relate:
In the Palace of Torment (by ksplash5)
Alone in the day
midst the beat of the world
He is lost in a curse
of dis-ease and depression
ever missing the joy of the moment
His story is gone
his past an illusion
of regrets and lost chances
and dreams traded in for reality
no longer creating his destiny
For he is stuck in a struggle
to be like everyone else
scared to be different
and afraid to be seen
by the merciless judge of our culture
Afraid that others will think him
a loser, a coward, a freak, and a waste
to be deserted and scorned
as an odd sort of breed
who is ignored and left to wither away
But if he’d let go
of the worry and fear
that reside in his palace of torment
then he could become his authentic self
and soar through each day
towards the Light of his Wonder
towards the Dream in his Soul
towards the Peace that is given
to each life of love that God holds in his hands
I got nothin'
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
I can relate, ksplash. I wish I could let go of the worry and the fear. I'm working on it.
Nice poem. I wish I could get back into my art like you did with poetry. I get like this and creativity goes away. 
I still don't know what to do about that one. Maybe I just need a little more time. The more I stress about what I'm not doing the worse I seem to get.
Depression brings out the creativity in many people. My creativity is only around when I'm either doing better than bad...or good.
Nice poem. I wish I could get back into my art like you did with poetry. I get like this and creativity goes away. 
I still don't know what to do about that one. Maybe I just need a little more time. The more I stress about what I'm not doing the worse I seem to get. Depression brings out the creativity in many people. My creativity is only around when I'm either doing better than bad...or good.
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