NEOMARXIST

Perfect 'excuse' there to keep drinking.

If you're an alcoholic then moderation is a fairytale. If it works out then you aren't an alcoholic. Just my experience.

All The Best.

four812

good luck to you. may you create YOUR life, and if you find that you need to be free of alcoholo may you come to know this and free yourself of the allusion that good times com with alcohol. goodness comes from within. you sound very good within.

ferrari355

Well, had two beers today plus a few non-alcoholic ones. Had a few beers on three other nights during the week, nothing too excessive.

I seem to have my problem under control, so I wonder, why do I keep coming back to the forum? For support I guess.

Thinking ahead, there is a work night out planned in two week's time. Fortunately I will have to work until 9pm or so before joining the party so this gives me the perfect excuse for moderation.

Anna

I wish you well, Ferrari!

Dee74

I wish you well. I spent 20 years trying to control my drinking.

I have no interest in being confrontational but I will say - there seems to be a bit of a gap between this statement

and this one

For me there was no using booze just a little bit.

I hope you're right and you do have things under control. Good luck

D

HumbleBee

Wanted to welcome you, ferrari!

I used to think the way you posted above only to learn that people who are true social or moderate drinkers never think ahead to two weeks' time about how much they will or will not drink. No excuse, perfect or otherwise, is even part of their thought process.

This is alcohol's cunning way of giving us a false sense of security that we are stronger than it. Nothing could be further from the truth.

There are awesome folks here at SR. Glad you're with us!

ferrari355

Yeah you guys are right. It's funny if someone else posted what I posted above, I'd suss it straight away for what it was.

As it's the start of a new month, going to try for a full month's abstinence. I will check in regularly here.

Thank you for your help.

artsoul

Hi ferrari - nice to meet you! I hope you succeed in staying away from alcohol for a month. You'll find alot of support and encouragement here so keep posting and reading!

I think if you're keeping a "log" of your drinking you already know you have a problem. It's good that you're examining it now instead of putting it off until things progress. If you're like alot of us here though, it will be hard to go back to that "occassional" couple of beers or glass of wine.

ferrari355

Yep. Good point. Moderate drinkers don't keep a log, why would they bother?

ferrari355

Epic fail.

There's something in my psyche that is holding me back. I don't know what it is, maybe it's ego.

I haven't found the key yet, where is the key, I ask myself?

Dee74

The key for me was acceptance.

I might be stubborn, resourceful and intelligent - but alcohol kicked my butt time and time again.

I finally accepted, fully, I was an alcoholic and that drinking alcohol was something I could not do anymore.

I resolved to do whatever it took to stop me drinking, and keep me stopped.

I guess the question is...what are *you* prepared to do, Ferrari?

D

MelindaFlowers

Hi Ferrari,
I am new to sobriety after 5 years of heavy drinking. My biggest surprise, or shock I should say during my last 5 days of sobriety wasn't the physical cravings (not that bad), the insomnia (medium bad), withdrawals (not too bad).

My huge surprise was the new voice in my head: the negotiator. That's the thing in my psyche that derailed me a few times in the last month. Seven days/flop/5 days/flop/6 days/flop. Personally it hurts my ego when I drink again; makes me feel bad about myself.

One thing that I could really relate to in your post is about a month ago I started reading this forum. I was amazed and a little scared about how much I could relate to it. I was still new in my acceptance of my alcoholism so I googled "drinking in moderation." There is some group, as I am sure many people on here have seen/heard about designed to help people moderate their drinking.

I thought "Hooray!!! Maybe....just maybe....even though I've started reading on SR....maybe I can forget how much I saw myself in those posts and start here. Moderate! One half of my huge denial smile turned down when I saw the first step of the 'program' was to stop drinking for 30 days. In my head I said "I can do this!" I'll prove to myself that I can moderate.

Long story short I caved after six days and broke my own lifetime one-night consumption record and drank a whole fifth of vodka. I was amazed that I couldn't make it 30 days, even with the fantasy that I could maybe drink again after that.

The "I will not drink today" thing has been a huge help to me.

NEOMARXIST

Moderate drinking is a fairytale for this alcoholic. All or nothing. when I was drinking I was drinking. when I am in recovery then I am in recovery.

Total Acceptance of my alcoholism really helps me stay gratefully sober.

However this is something which like evrything else in sobriety/recovery has to be 'worked' on. I got to the stage where I went back out drinking again enough times to realise I was an alcoholic. I also knew that my reaction and cravings to alcohol would take me to the gutter. I could feel my mind calm down as soon as the first sip went down in the morning. It was totally addicted. My behaviour was also becoming more and more bizarre during blackouts.

Peace

Kmber2010

Glad to see you are back. There is no moderation for the alcoholic. If you try and justify drinking....right then and there you know inside you have a problem.

I relapsed thinking I could magically control it. I was cured if you will.....I was me again. Oh no I wasn't and never will be the sober Kim of pre drinking. Those days are over. I am an alcoholic in recovery.

I am sober now by hard work (busting my butt each day) and accepting and surrendering to the fact that I am alcoholic and I am powerless. To quit and live sobriety to it's fullest meant getting sober and changing my entire attitude, lifestyle and working on forgiving myself for past actions and moving on.

You can do it when you are ready. Keep posting. We are here to support!!

ferrari355

Yep, I hear ya, my experience is quite similar. I can moderate to the extent of 'only' drinking 3 nights a week - as compared to 5, 6 or 7 nights a week last year or for that matter over the previous five years - but, I tend to find these days that I drink more on those 3 nights, per night, than I would have done when I was drinking on almost all nights, even though my overall consumption per week is still down by around 30%. While I don't think I've ever got through the equivalent a fifth of vodka while drinking on my own, on a heavy night out with friends, I'd say I've drank close to that, although in beer rather than vodka. But it's still booze.

Also, like yourself, I was amazed that this year that I couldn't make the 30 days, because I did it before - in 1999, 2002 and 2003 - without any great problems or withdrawal symptoms of any significance. I guess it just brought home to me that alcoholism is indeed progressive.

A friend, who I doubt is an alcoholic, but enjoys his booze, mentioned recently over dinner in a restaurant that he had taken up the habit of enjoying a nice glass of gin and tonic with his wife most nights after putting the kids to bed, so this implanted a dangerous thought in my brain. "Go buy a bottle of expensive gin, it's what your life really needs. It will taste lovely with some tonic and ice, you don't need to drink it all in one go, just have one or two a night like R. does". So I buy my bottle of gin and get through it over two nights, on my own.

The expression "cunning, bafffling and powerful" springs to mind.


A poster here has a sig:

Keep it simple.
Tell the truth.
Don't drink today.
That much I think I get.

I like that mantra, I may steal it and use it as my own.

Hope4Recovery

The "one day at a time thing" is working for me as well. I'm not planning ahead besides professionally and financially. I am cherishing each day sober. i made it 30 days and i'm still going. No long term goals here - at least for now. Starting my day with the goal of being sober and having something planned after work (my normal drinking time) - it's working. I can say that I do plan on being sober tomorrow as well. The cravings are almost completely gone. I will be going out to dinner for my step son's graduation this Sunday which will be the first outing where alcohol will be part of the social event since I stopped. The hard part will be my next family function. My step father always asks, "Wanna beer?". Even if i refuse, he will ask again, "Wanna beer?". He is not alcoholic but likes to drink and please others. I'm sure my parents suspect some alcohol issues with me since my father is alcoholic, but I'm not really ready to come clean with them. They have a tendency to annoy me when discussing pretty much anything besides politics, current events, or problems of other family members. My family and my step father's family have lots of problems. guess i shouldn't be ashamed to admit I too have problems. Believe it or not, I've been the normal one compared to my brothers and step brother.

shelly009

Oh so happy that you have decided to stick around... I too struggled with the idea that I could control my drinking... I was hear for about 2 months sober last year in June. Then I got cocky and thought I could moderate again. BUT.. here I am back where I started on day 4 10 months later. I am a couple times a week drinker but it just keeps getting worse... I drink more in one night than I ever did before and there is just no denying it. Sometimes it takes us a few tries to realise it... I just dont want to take the chance that something awful might happen on another drinking bender. I know I have a problem.

Love this from Neo - so true

ferrari355

Quick update. Still here, still learning, still building my inventory. Haven't cracked the code yet, but I soon will.

julez

I wish you the best in trying to control your drinking. I also really enjoyed the things you wrote in your initial post. I think you keep coming back to the forums because you are trying to convince yourself and us that you are ok and can control it. I'm certainly not trying to be confrontational, just giving my best answer to your question. take care.

Harry01854

Sort of like when you said;

"I haven't found the key yet, where is the key, I ask myself?"

I chuckled at that one in particular, but this last one really made me laugh. Not laughing at you my friend, laughing at myself for I once had the same ideas. I remember once thinking, well I really get wasted on Vodka, so I'll just drink beer during the week (Monday thru Thursday) and on the weekend I'll drink Vodka. My way of controlling my drinking. Also when you mentioned about instead of drinking every day I'll just drink 3 or 4 days a week. Funny,I tried the same thing, I got wasted on those 3 or 4 days and drank more than what I normally would have. That's a lie in a way, I never had any normally way of drinking. But you see what I mean. I totally identify with the way you drink.

Heck, to me, drinking thru a funnel was certainly different from my normal way, until it became my normal way.

Really enjoy your post though and a lot of the replies. All of it reminds me just why I can't drink in safety.

Thanks,

Harry