Drunk "friend" did the meanest thing to me re: my newfound sobriety
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Drunk "friend" did the meanest thing to me re: my newfound sobriety
Ok...been holding on to this one since last week. But I am so incredibly angry over this, that I just have to get it out.
So, ok...we're with friends last week, and the same person that cornered me a while back in public, challenging me about why I quit, etc. was drinking and in fact getting fairly poop faced. So, another person had made this person another shot, and there are others there drinking, some to excess, some not, and I'm just sitting there in the middle of this like a bump on a log. I was bored, quite honestly. So anyway, this person had been having like this underlying quiet hositility toward me, in her attitude and whatnot - which I just ignored, or tried to.
So, anyway, the shot maker tries to get poop faced to drink another shot, and she is declining, so I go, totally joking around, "Shot shot shot!" Kidding around, showing that I can be a good sport with the best of them, ya' know? So poop face says to me, really meanly, "F U". I was quite taken aback, and I go, really? "F me?" Like, huh? And she goes, "YOU quit drinking!" and slams that shot down in front of me, then looks at me like, "What are you gonna do about it." The next day, she didn't say anything about it. For all I know she doesn't even remember doing it. But it infuriates me all the same. I also didn't say anything about it. And I got angry at myself over that one...because I just basically gave her permission to treat me like crap. When I was the drunk one, I was the entertainment. Now that I'm not drinking, her husband is always trying to get me to drink. WTF!!!???
I tell you it was about all I could do not to effing throw that drink all over her. Who in the hell does she think she is, and why in god's name are she and/or her husband so fascinated with whether I drink or not? It was such a low blow. So terribly mean.
And yes, I know that I'm in the wrong place, subjecting myself to the drunken behavior. I really thought going in to this that I'd be different somehow, (yeah right...) and I could keep my drunk friends. This particular drunk friend, is no great loss - but there are others tied into the group that I really genuinely care for. It's sad to me that it comes down to this. But I think I'm seeing that I'm just getting too different. They bore the crap out of me. I have to wait so long, hours, for just a bit of coherent interaction, that it's just getting old. I also don't like being the therapist at the end of the evening when everyone is getting offended at stupid stuff because they're just drunk or whatever. It's hard enough to take care of myself let alone them.
Ok...taking a deep breath now.
Thank you for listening.
So, ok...we're with friends last week, and the same person that cornered me a while back in public, challenging me about why I quit, etc. was drinking and in fact getting fairly poop faced. So, another person had made this person another shot, and there are others there drinking, some to excess, some not, and I'm just sitting there in the middle of this like a bump on a log. I was bored, quite honestly. So anyway, this person had been having like this underlying quiet hositility toward me, in her attitude and whatnot - which I just ignored, or tried to.
So, anyway, the shot maker tries to get poop faced to drink another shot, and she is declining, so I go, totally joking around, "Shot shot shot!" Kidding around, showing that I can be a good sport with the best of them, ya' know? So poop face says to me, really meanly, "F U". I was quite taken aback, and I go, really? "F me?" Like, huh? And she goes, "YOU quit drinking!" and slams that shot down in front of me, then looks at me like, "What are you gonna do about it." The next day, she didn't say anything about it. For all I know she doesn't even remember doing it. But it infuriates me all the same. I also didn't say anything about it. And I got angry at myself over that one...because I just basically gave her permission to treat me like crap. When I was the drunk one, I was the entertainment. Now that I'm not drinking, her husband is always trying to get me to drink. WTF!!!???
I tell you it was about all I could do not to effing throw that drink all over her. Who in the hell does she think she is, and why in god's name are she and/or her husband so fascinated with whether I drink or not? It was such a low blow. So terribly mean.
And yes, I know that I'm in the wrong place, subjecting myself to the drunken behavior. I really thought going in to this that I'd be different somehow, (yeah right...) and I could keep my drunk friends. This particular drunk friend, is no great loss - but there are others tied into the group that I really genuinely care for. It's sad to me that it comes down to this. But I think I'm seeing that I'm just getting too different. They bore the crap out of me. I have to wait so long, hours, for just a bit of coherent interaction, that it's just getting old. I also don't like being the therapist at the end of the evening when everyone is getting offended at stupid stuff because they're just drunk or whatever. It's hard enough to take care of myself let alone them.
Ok...taking a deep breath now.
Thank you for listening.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
You would be so much better off if you found other places and other people to be around. There's little chance of anything good coming from get-togethers with a bunch of drunks. Sounds like maybe you're coming to that conclusion on your own, which is a good thing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Stop hanging with them. Seriously. I know I had to change my playground and playmates to get and stay sober.
Also I think they obviously have alcohol issues themselves or they just wouldn't pull this ****. A good friend would support you.
Also I think they obviously have alcohol issues themselves or they just wouldn't pull this ****. A good friend would support you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Suki - you're right. I think I'm definitely starting to understand that. It's taken me almost 3 months, but it's starting to sink in. There just isn't anything "there" for me anymore. I kind of just observe everything like a fly on the wall now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 224
I just started this sober thing a couple of months ago. I have realized which friends are healthy for me, and which ones are not, and I think you are seeing this too. It feels sad at first, and then it makes perfect sense to move on from some people and towards other ones that are supportive and not drinking...and especially not putting a shot down in front of your face! I have not dealt with that one. Just been going to a few functions lately and finding it really weird being sober now to see how messy people get after having more than a couple of drinks....
It sounds like this recent event was a real eye opener for you. I found that when I quit drinking that it apparently upset a few people in my life. I think it made them look at their own drinking problems which they do not want to face. And also some drinking people feel that they are losing a drinking buddy and so try to sabbotage your decision to become sober and healthy. And I found that people like this were a bad choice for me to be around. You were strong the other night...but what if you were having a weak moment...? Those "friends" set a shot of booze infront of you even after you told them you quit drinking....In a weak moment you might have said, "ah WTF", and downed it. And that would have started the drinking ball rolling for you. And I do not think this is really what you want to do. There are others who will care about you as a friend and will support your decision. I find that these are the ones to be around. And anything that is going to keep me on track is a good thing....because I am starting to feel a LOT better, and you will too if you stick with it. I am finding that I am changing my defintion of who my good friends are and which ones are not. Which ones I should hang with and which ones I should not. And it is ok...actually it is good.
Good luck and hang in there. It is so worth it to make decisions like this for yourself and your recovery.
It sounds like this recent event was a real eye opener for you. I found that when I quit drinking that it apparently upset a few people in my life. I think it made them look at their own drinking problems which they do not want to face. And also some drinking people feel that they are losing a drinking buddy and so try to sabbotage your decision to become sober and healthy. And I found that people like this were a bad choice for me to be around. You were strong the other night...but what if you were having a weak moment...? Those "friends" set a shot of booze infront of you even after you told them you quit drinking....In a weak moment you might have said, "ah WTF", and downed it. And that would have started the drinking ball rolling for you. And I do not think this is really what you want to do. There are others who will care about you as a friend and will support your decision. I find that these are the ones to be around. And anything that is going to keep me on track is a good thing....because I am starting to feel a LOT better, and you will too if you stick with it. I am finding that I am changing my defintion of who my good friends are and which ones are not. Which ones I should hang with and which ones I should not. And it is ok...actually it is good.
Good luck and hang in there. It is so worth it to make decisions like this for yourself and your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 16
I am having the same issue with a "drunk" friend. There really is no point in trying to explain or rationalize your decision to stop drinking to a drunk. They will always have an answer to why you should start drinking again. I was getting razzed last night about not drinking watching NCAA games by him and I just ignore it.....no point in letting them know it bothers you. He said 'so how is that not drinking crap coming along".....I just responded it is going great....I'm been saving a lot of money and I feel great! That shut him up for a minute as he is probably dropping over $100 - $200 bucks a week on drinking. I also agree about the boring aspect. There is a lot of pontification at the end of the night where nobody is making any sense but they seem to believe they are spouting pearls of wisdom. I guess I must have been like that too! I am hanging out with more people who either do not drink or do not care if you are not drinking. Anyone who pressures you to drink or ridicules you for not drinking is not a true friend....or feels threatened to take a look at their drinking habits. Most likely they have a drinking problem also. There are a lot of posts on here about realizing a lot of your "friends" are really only "drinking buddies".......if you quit drinking, you really do not have anything else in common and they eventually get the hint and support you or just not hang out with you anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
(((Humblestudent))) Sounds like your friend was very threatened by the fact that you don't drink anymore. I was one of "those" people that felt very uncomfortable around sober people because they could see the idiot I became when I was drunk. No one drinking paid any notice. This is how I thought any way. You may end up being the beacon of light for her and her husband. Seriously! Any ways that's my 2 cents. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 318
Look at your friends from a different angle. If your house burned down and you needed a place to stay until the insurance money came, would your friend let you stay there unconditionally? The person who will give you the shirt off their back to ensure you are warm without asking for anything in return is a friend. Anyone else is just periphery.
It's a hard lesson to learn. I have this need to be liked by everyone, which means that sometimes I have unhealthy relationships with people. It takes a while to see it, but eventually I do. It is hard to cut those toxic people loose, but eventually it has to be done.
I know I don't know you that well, but from your posts I can read that you are an intelligent and very caring person. You deserve friends, not periphery.
It may be a good idea to step out of the crowd and get together with a few of your closer friends from that crowd on the side. It's not that you are asking those friends to choose between you and the other woman, you are choosing to engage in activities that are healthy for you. If they are your true friends, they should understand your position.
It's a hard lesson to learn. I have this need to be liked by everyone, which means that sometimes I have unhealthy relationships with people. It takes a while to see it, but eventually I do. It is hard to cut those toxic people loose, but eventually it has to be done.
I know I don't know you that well, but from your posts I can read that you are an intelligent and very caring person. You deserve friends, not periphery.
It may be a good idea to step out of the crowd and get together with a few of your closer friends from that crowd on the side. It's not that you are asking those friends to choose between you and the other woman, you are choosing to engage in activities that are healthy for you. If they are your true friends, they should understand your position.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Humble, I don't know if I am reading my own story into it or not, but I could sense a lot of rivalry and drama in that situation. Almost like she was role-playing. Do you feel like staying clear of them?
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
From the AA Big Book
We look at all our resentments in AA and work the steps to remove the past ones, and ones on a daily basis. We understand they could kill us if left to replay over and over in our heads. The fact that you have been bothered by this for this past week, tells me that you are just like any one of us alcoholics as far as resentments are concerned.
I think it is a good idea that you see that these people are not the people you need to be spending time around. For those you really care about you can create new social occassions not surrounding alcohol. You could be their coffee or lunch partner, rather than drinking partner.
Finally, I think it would be wise of you to look at your part in this. You are an alcoholic and you were encouraging a drinker (who you have already said has a problem) to drink more alcohol. Now why would you do that, even if it was a joke?
Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. ...p64
....resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. ...p66
We look at all our resentments in AA and work the steps to remove the past ones, and ones on a daily basis. We understand they could kill us if left to replay over and over in our heads. The fact that you have been bothered by this for this past week, tells me that you are just like any one of us alcoholics as far as resentments are concerned.
I think it is a good idea that you see that these people are not the people you need to be spending time around. For those you really care about you can create new social occassions not surrounding alcohol. You could be their coffee or lunch partner, rather than drinking partner.
Finally, I think it would be wise of you to look at your part in this. You are an alcoholic and you were encouraging a drinker (who you have already said has a problem) to drink more alcohol. Now why would you do that, even if it was a joke?
seeking recovery
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
I agree it can be hard to let go of friendships, but as you grow in sobriety your discernment will increase,do you really think these so-called "friends" who offer you drinks knowing you are trying to quit, have your best interests at heart?
you might be lonely for a while, but i would move ONWARDS AND UPWARDS in your new sober life!
you might be lonely for a while, but i would move ONWARDS AND UPWARDS in your new sober life!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 239
its not a lot of fun when everyone else is drunk... i hear ya! now, i have to admit, i do enjoy my family, whether there is drinking or not, and they have never tried to make me feel like i am somehow "less" because i didn't drink. but wow... i think your not drinking really hit that lady's nerve... and i suspect there is a reason for that and it has nothing to do with you!! perhaps you can socialize with the friends you do like on occassion, ask them over, don't provide alcohol, but maybe lunch and tea/soda/coffee?
i wouldn't worry about having said "shot shot shot"... but in the future, as someone who is working on sobriety, remember that when someone says "when", its best, perhaps, not to encourage them to drink anyway... even in the name of being a good sport.
i wouldn't worry about having said "shot shot shot"... but in the future, as someone who is working on sobriety, remember that when someone says "when", its best, perhaps, not to encourage them to drink anyway... even in the name of being a good sport.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I understand your reaction...but I think you sounded like you were trying to fit in with the drunks and your comment was ill taken and she reacted strongly...maybe she and hubby have discussed their own drinking issues at length...and the fact that you have stopped....sometimes people perceive others behavior as a threat....maybe your sobriety is threatening to her because she can't stop...it's difficult to get inside her head and why would you waste your time?
Real friends support you and you do activities you all enjoy...the activity here sounds like it was just the booze...what fun is that? to watch others doing shots? you have better things to do with your time than watch others get poop-faced...you are not going to find intelligent interaction with these people pouring shots for eachother.
I hope you find some new more interesting people to hang with.
Real friends support you and you do activities you all enjoy...the activity here sounds like it was just the booze...what fun is that? to watch others doing shots? you have better things to do with your time than watch others get poop-faced...you are not going to find intelligent interaction with these people pouring shots for eachother.
I hope you find some new more interesting people to hang with.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I still have many friends who drink in excess. When I am in need of their company, I will invite them to a breakfast or lunch thing. If there is a group thing, I show up early, socialize for the first hour or two, and then high tail it before the belligerence begins.
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