Day 4. The road to acceptance…

Old 02-23-2010, 01:25 PM
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Fighting my Demons
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Day 4. The road to acceptance…

it is the 4th day of my sobriety. I don't want to jump here on a pink cloud, but everything seems a little bit easier. Life seems a little bit better. Smiles, a little bit less forced. I am living my life. And I remember it!

People on SR truly gave me a great support. No matter how convinced you are that you can manage on your own, or how hesitant to sharing your story with others, somehow reading your thoughts and advices made me stronger. Even though today is not the greatest day (I feel alcohol 'munchies' in my belly constantly), each moment I feel weaker, I just visit the forum & find my strength there. I know I will make it through today.

Last night I thought a lot about my friends and people that I associate with. I realised that I don't have even one non-drinking friend. Furthermore, most of them I met while I was drunk or at least tipsy, which makes me wonder... are any of these people my real friends, or just booze buddies. I always associated socializing with alcohol. I could not imagine meeting someone for a coffee instead of a beer. The big 'bulb light' moment - none of my 'friends' actually knows the Real Me; therefore none of them can be a true friend. Strangely enough, it doesn't make me feel very sad, it makes me curious and excited in a way. I am looking forward to making new relationships with people, relationships that are not based on shared percentage, but on sharing a piece me the real me.

For the past few years I felt like I lost myself. Like I wasn't anymore this intelligent, witty and worthy girl that I used to be. I couldn't find an explanation, I just accepted that I am worthless & the only time when I felt actually funny & witty was when I drunk. I thought - people like me when I am drunk. I thought that I must get drunk to make new friends. Why otherwise anyone would be interested in me? And even on days when I wasn't drinking, my mind was so strongly set on "I am worthless without a drink" that I projected this energy all around me. Come to think of it, alcohol is a real vicious bitch! I was trapped in this self-destroying circle for years, convinced, that my occupier is actually my saviour!

With day 4 & with help from SoberRecovery forum came acceptance. It might not be a huge eureka moment of "Hello, my name is Ella & I am an alcoholic" just as yet, but it is moment of "Hello, my name is Ella & I have a serious problem with alcohol". I know loads of you, would say: just say that you are an alcoholic, but what's the point in 'just' saying that when I am not ready to say it. I don't think that forcing myself into complete acceptance of my problem, will actually solve it. I choose to take it day by day & be proud that I am, at least, on the road to acceptance.

BIG THANK YOU to all of you guys on SoberRecovery!

Thought for the day: Every day without alcohol tastes better

ps. if I am annoying you with the amount of my verbal diarrhoea on this forum, please accept my apologies... but it just feels sooooo goood to 'talk'
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Old 02-23-2010, 01:29 PM
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At 4 days you're sharing a great message.

It took time for me to figure out who my true friends were. The majority of them were just drinking buddies, most of the friends I have today are from my recovery circle. All of recovery is a process, it takes time.

Enjoy the ride
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Old 02-23-2010, 01:30 PM
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Early sobriety is, at times, a bumpy road, but it does get better. Stay sober and try to find friends who don't drink. If you haven't been to AA, give it a try. There you will find lots of people who are sober and enjoying their lives. Stay strong! I wish you the best.
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Old 02-23-2010, 01:33 PM
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Ella; I'm just a few days ahead of you (February 16), but have many of the same exact thoughts you have....(along with the incessant posting and reading too)...Like you, i find the support and guidance here tremendously helpful. day by day.
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Old 02-23-2010, 01:40 PM
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I think you're doing great Ella. Keep posting

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Old 02-23-2010, 01:48 PM
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Fighting my Demons
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Thank You all SO SO SO much!!!
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Old 02-23-2010, 01:51 PM
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Thanks for posting Ella!!

peace and Love x
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Old 02-23-2010, 02:08 PM
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I went through a similar throught process.

After awhile, I began to understand, that I was many things - a mother, a wife, a friend, a volunteer, and, yes, an alcoholic. But, I do not let the word define me.
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