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Old 02-19-2010, 12:52 AM
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Hi

Just wanted to intoduce myself, have been looking around for a couple of days (since I decided I have had enough fuzzy heads! and hating myself!). Humm not sure where to start - my story has nothing on some of the things I have read on here and feel a little guilty for even feeling sorry for myself!!

Anyway I guess my wake up call was the other morning when as usual I stood in the shower trying to find the reason that I had once again drank too much - I have thought of so many reasons (the latest being I am bored so I need a hobby, but there have been many many more). So I was doing this once again and realised I did the same thing week in week out and every morning I decided not to drink and then by 4pm I was feeling better and the friendly voice in my head pipes up with - "have a drink you deserve it!", it was then I realised the real reason I drink - I am an alcoholic and once I start I can't stop.

Once I had this realisation I logged on to an AA website and read some stories, the thing that hit me hardest was that alcoholism is progressive and the stories I read were from women who once at the stge I am now - still have the career and family and no one thinks I have a problem.

So to get to the point (I can be very bad at that!) I want it to stop and I'm not really scared of not drinking and the plusses in my head outweigh the negatives by miles but I am petrified of the friendly voice in my head telling me I am not an alcoholic and it won't hurt to have a glass of wine or two - but I can see the progression - I have gone from drinking $40 bottles of wine to $10 so my partner and I can buy 4 (this is over 3-4 years or so). Anyway I think I am just here to remind myself that that first drink is the first of many that will lead down a dark path and I thought you may be able to help - the support in here seems amazing and congrats on building such a strong community.

FYI - My partner is fully on board and wants to lead a better life too but I dont see him in here as cyberspace is not his thing!

Thanks for listening
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Old 02-19-2010, 02:08 AM
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..thnx for the post DP..and welcome,the more aussies the merryer..lol

..I found $3.00 bottles of wine..shiess!

..anyway..this is a great site to begin your sobriety,thanks for
joining.....Oz
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Old 02-19-2010, 02:27 AM
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Drama, thanks for coming in and sharing. I can think of signs of my addiction that go way back to when I first started (not long after it was legal). And the recreation aspect was present in my thoughts. That was the beginning of the friendship with it. I compare the addiction to cement over my feet and it was solid starting about 14 years ago. Even though it was an everyday thing for at that point, it's true that there were progressions to come, and those included the fear of not having it in my possession, the methods to always have it around and avoid shameful contexts in the process (see us talking about it on the Liquor Store Rotation board, where we thought we were being geniuses at hiding our frequent purchases).

I can't say for you whether you are alcoholic, I can only share my experiences. The fear is something that is central to addiction to me, but you will know what's what. Good for you for looking into it, because there are better things to do with ones time and energy (and money), alcoholic or not! If you come to see yourself as addicted for certain and need help, you are right, you will find lots of supportive reaction here.

By the way, nothing was rambling in that and you don't have to feel guilty for not having a "drastic experience" prior to speaking here.

Hope everything goes great.
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Old 02-19-2010, 03:24 AM
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Red face a solid begining

Hi Drama, I really appreciate your post it reminded me of how doing the first

step means. Powerless over alcohol and that my life is unmanabeable

Really reading the doctors opinion and accepting that cemented that feeling for

me. However, my life was still quite insane and had been for sometime. It is

very hard to see this for ourselves. We finally get the courage to ask for

help and begin the rest of the work of recovery. I could only do this with a

sponsor I pray that you can keep that feeling of being powerless and keep

on trucking thru the step. we do this only to learn HOW to give up and

letgod


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Old 02-19-2010, 03:48 AM
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hang around..its a great place
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Old 02-19-2010, 04:25 AM
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Good luck with everything...

I had many days of swearing off drinking in the mornings, and picking up again in the evenings. I found it much more difficult than I expected to rid myself of the habit. My coping ability was wired into alcohol consumption, so I couldn't cope if I wasn't drinking. In the early days, I just had to ignore my brain, which was screaming for alcohol, and just let things pass. What finally worked for me was to attend lots of AA meetings in the early days, and use them as my coping mechanism. But it was a long time until I managed to break free...
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Old 02-19-2010, 04:41 AM
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Welcome Drama Princess, from another Aussie

The voice had me for years.

Reading and posting here helped me a lot....but if you find you need more I hope you won't hesitate to check some face to face options of support like like AA.

Good to have you with us

D
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Old 02-19-2010, 05:13 AM
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I too had a 'low bottom', meaning I still had a house and all the 'normal' things of living. What I lost was my self respect and the respect of my kids, not to mention being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Waking up feeling like I was going to die and drinking in the morning just to stop the shakes is no way to live.

It was hard giving it up and I failed many times, but I'm firmly on the road to recovery now and it feels good.

You don't need a disaster to stop drinking, just an honest desire to make your life better.

Welcome to SR! I hope we can help you in your quest to be sober.
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Old 02-19-2010, 05:24 AM
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Welcome to SR DramaPrincess.

my story has nothing on some of the things I have read on here and feel a little guilty for even feeling sorry for myself!!
There is no reason in the world to think your story has to even come close to some of the stories you will find here. Do not feel guilty, feel lucky that you are seeing that you have a deadly problem and are looking to do something about it.

I am an alcoholic and once I start I can't stop.
If you know this in your heart then you are half way there in regards to the first step of the program of AA, if you know you have no power once you have had that first drink you are on the right path to sobriety. Do you feel that your life is or is becoming unmanagable due to drinking?.... This is the second part of step 1.

the thing that hit me hardest was that alcoholism is progressive
Yes it is, this is a FACT, not an opinion. You are so fortunant that you are aware of this, I was in such a state of denial at the point you are at now that I could not see the progression of my alcoholism until I had crossed that invisible line where drinking for me was no longer an option, it was a physical, mental, & even a spiritual need, I drank most of the time the last 5 years I drank because I had to in order to just feel normal. The thrill was long gone! Heck there were days I could not even get a buzz no matter how much I drank.

There is no reason for you to continue drinking until you reach the point many of us do! Why do that, when you can hear your future if you continue to drink from others who took thier drinking to real extremes. Here is another thing to ponder on, the vast majority of alcoholics drink until they die, some try to recover, others just drink until they die.

I am petrified of the friendly voice in my head telling me I am not an alcoholic and it won't hurt to have a glass of wine or two
Ah yes, this is one of the primary symptoms of alcoholism.... denial of having a drinking problem. I spent a lot of years trying to control my drinking or quitting drinking, and some how that voice in my head would always convince me that I could not be an alcoholic, alcoholics live under bridges, they do not have jobs nor families.

Ernest Hemingway died from alcoholism in a multi-million dollar home that was his, he died RICH & FAMOUS!!!! I simply use him as an example, there are millions of famous & successful people through out the course of history that died due to alcoholism and some had lost it all & others still had it all at their death.

UNTREATED ALCOHOLISM KILLS!!!!

DramaPrincess you have shared that you checked out AA on line and learned a great deal, correct?

Why not start going to AA meetings? What do you have to lose? A drinking problem?

What do you have to gain? Possibly life long sober friends in addition to a totally different & wonderful way of life!!

The program of AA is not really a program of not drinking, the program is basically cleaning up our past & accepting that we are not what we did in our past, we are what we do today! We learn a new way of living life by using the solution that the steps of AA gives us in the principles we learn & apply to out lifes daily.

For me the obsession to drink has been lifted as a result of daily living & applying the steps to the best of my ability.

In a nutshell, for many years alcohol was the solution for my life, then alcohol no longer was the solution. The program of AA has given me a NEW SOLUTION for my life that is so good that I can no longer view a drink as a solution to anything.
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Old 02-19-2010, 06:04 AM
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Welcome to SR Drama.

You said that you have that list in your head. I suggest that you put it on paper and every time that voice comes a calling you physically read the list and then decide on logic instead of emotion.
This is what I do and it works for me. As long as logic dictates not to drink I do not drink.
After a while the voice stops calling because it knows nobody is home.
Good luck.
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Old 02-19-2010, 06:45 AM
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Thank you all so much - the openess around here is so surprising? refreshing? I'm not sure but whatever it is it is wonderful! Tonight (Friday night) I would normally be drunk by this time and maybe not far from bed (it's 9.30) and not because I'm an early riser - more because my head starts to spin.

But tonight I went to see a movie straight from work (it was terrible by the way - but better than the alternative) even though it was an awful week at work some of my colleages almost begged me to go for a drink - they laughed when I said it's not for me anymore, one actually said "oh my god what am meant to do without my alcybuddy" - I just smiled and wished them all a nice weekend.

I have started a blog (if allowed I can send a link if anyone would like it) and I am reading all the past posts each day so I don't forget how I felt.

Afew other things that told me my problem was out of hand that I have only realised in the last day or two [LIST][*]I too did the rounds of the liquor stores[*]as the wine got cheaper I would make excuses "oh for cooking haha" or don't like the inlaws hehe"[*]We have 50k in debt - and I worked out we have spent AT LEAST 68k on or because of alcohol in the last 3-4years[*]Alcohol was the main priority in any activity (if I get the VIP Package it has an open bar, what route should I take so I can swing past the bottle shop, need to leave family functions early to get to the bottle shop before it closes etc etc)[*]Some of our friends only call whe they want to get drunk - most of them have money and have lots of functions - I was in denial as to why we were not invited to the better ones - only the ones where they intened on writing themselves off - they knew we would not say anything because we would be there too[*]by driving drunk to get more alcohol we were in effect choosing alcohol over our freedom, our lives, the lives of others and most importantly the future of my stepson (not that he was ever in the car but he would have to suffer the repercussions)[*]As much as we thought we were not - we were neglecting my stepson - we didn't drink more than one glass of wine in front of him and always threw the bottles away before he got up and did homework/made lunches and read to him before drinking - but we were too sluggish to go play and would rush him to bed so we could start drinking on the weekends

After writing all of that I could cry - the impact has really been huge - we have withdrawn ourselves - we are doing ok at work but we could both actually be really great at our jobs and I have discontinued my latest uni course too many times to count because study cuts into drinking time. OK well I have just given myself cramp in my fingers haha but I feel a little better and very grateful to have not drunk tonight - thankyou all so much - you have helped already!
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Old 02-19-2010, 04:42 PM
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Good moning!!

ok Saturday morning and doing my best at one day at a time - slept oddly last night - felt like I was awake but interspersed with deep sleep in short bursts - better than when I drink though - then I wake up about 2-4 and can not sleep at all - all wide awake and feeling shame (just thinking that gave me a shiver - I have to hold on to stuff like that don't want to do it again)

So tonight I have written out three activities (movies, dinner at the beach and game night) and I am going to let my stepson choose - not much but at least I can do to start to make it up to him, all that wasted time we could have been doing fun stuff with him - oh well onward and upward!
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Old 02-19-2010, 07:54 PM
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Welcome DP -

Glad you are here. It is amazing when we learn how much fun life can be without alcohol. There is really so much to do, so much to learn, so much to experience -- when we can actually be present in the moment.

Use your momentum to get going on your recovery. You can't do this alone and most of us can't recover without a program of recovery. Abstinence is the first step, but now you need to focus on your problem for which alcohol was your solution.

Take care.
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Old 02-19-2010, 08:04 PM
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Welcome DramaPrincess. I admire how self-aware you are. When I was younger I just didn't get it - never saw myself for what I was. Always justified the insanity. That led me to 24/7 drinking in later years. I sure could put it away in the end, & turned myself into a zombie. I nearly died trying to recapture the old euphoria I once felt.

I'm happy for you that you've come to this realization now, and will never have to suffer the chaos that many of us have. Congratulations on your new life, and please do stick around - we care about you.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:26 PM
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Hi all,

Something really strange happened this morning - I woke up and felt shame and embarrassment, I looked in the mirror and for a moment could not remember what bought the feeling on (very normal for a sunday morning - normally done/said something stupid when drunk) then it hit me - I had not drunk and I could remember everything from the night before and nope - nothing stupid. I honestly think my body/brain is so used to feeling that way (and waiting a while for the reason for my shame to hit me) that I automatically felt it.

The other thing is - I didn't actually feel like I needed to come and chat today - like I didn't need as much support - but thanks to the info gathered here I realised that today is the day I probably need some grounding more than any other. I have a tendency to TRY to run before I can walk - and normally fall flat on my face.
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Old 02-20-2010, 10:03 PM
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Congratulations! Revel in in these small steps. I have found keeping a journal is a really helpful thing. I keep mine on my computer but they have those really really neat books as well. It's quite interesting to go back and read your thoughts months and months ago!

Other thing, people come here and chat here for good things! Roam around all the forums and subforums and you will find all sort of interesting conversations going on. I check in daily in at least 2 or 3 forums just to see what people are up to. Sometimes I contribute, sometimes not. But one thing that keeps me motivitated is to read the NEW POSTS like yours. It keeps the memory alive of the hell it is to go through. Hang in there. We ALL care.
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Old 02-20-2010, 11:17 PM
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Drama, you aren't imagining the feeling of shame or guilt. It's a symptom I had when I quit prior to Xmas. It was the same feeling I had when I quit about 10 years ago for a very brief period. I'm not a medical expert, but I think it is a physical reaction. For me it would come upon me all of a sudden while not thinking about alcohol at all. And I would ask myself what I had done to feel so regretful. Then I would realize this was an emotion that didn't have a connection to anything other than what was going on in my body undergoing a change (being deprived of alcohol). That's my opinion.

I didn't seek out any support for about 2 months and then I started coming in here. It helps me to stay in tune with the good consequences to my quitting. I didn't want to run before walking this time.

I just experienced what some others expressed elsewhere - how friends will challenge you on your choice to quit and the whole line of thinking about alcoholism. I left a party about an hour ago feeling pretty ticked off by the same thing. Supreme irony is the people showed me lots of affection but I feel like closing them out now. They didn't know what they were talking about. They don't "get" that their reckless drinking behavior is not the same as my drinking. They may be doing harm and may suffer the same psychological reasons for diving into drinks, but they didn't "medicate" themselves, they didn't manage their lives around alcohol.

That was my second time being around alcohol since I quit. And my second time coming home from a party and not drinking. So the sobriety continues, and I know I am doing the right thing. My recognition of what's what is the real reality.
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Old 02-21-2010, 06:33 AM
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Friends - yes they are already starting to be an issue - those who drink as much as me don't want me to quit (I think it may cause them to evaluate thier own behaviour) and those that don't drink as much - while supportive keep questioning the amount of time I am not drinking for - not sure why - do they want to know so they can say "thought you were not drinking?" or do they just want me to scream from the rooftops "I am and alcoholic" - who knows or maybe they are scared they will be bored without someone to talk about? Anyway it doesn't matter - this is for me, once that is sorted hopefully the positive changes in me will make life better for those around me.

BTW - I got sooooo much done this weekend and I actually don't feel like it went by in a flash - even though I kept busy I actually feel like I had a relaxing weekend!
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Old 02-21-2010, 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by DramaPrincess View Post
BTW - I got sooooo much done this weekend and I actually don't feel like it went by in a flash - even though I kept busy I actually feel like I had a relaxing weekend!
Isn't that a great feeling? I would have 1-3 days pass by and couldn't remember what the H*** I did. That was so pathetic. My house is so much cleaner, my pets and husband get more attention, as well as my yard. I'm proud of you!
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