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It's been hard

Old 02-05-2010, 01:49 PM
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It's been hard

Well, I drank last Friday night because it was a co-workers birthday. I guess I'm not strong enough to say no to having a drink in those situations yet. I don't know how to just go out and not drink. Maybe I just shouldn't put myself in those situations yet. Anyway, after my first beer it was all over from there. It was beer after beer after shot after shot and so on. I ended up totally blacking out and waking up somewhere that was not my house and being 30 minutes late to work.

The feeling I had while at work was awful. I felt ashamed, guilty, dirty, careless, and just plain rotten. Why was I so out of control the night before? It's like the days I had been sober were just slowly gaining up momentum for me to bottom out again.

Well, last night was a huge tester for me. My roommate was gone, I was off work and off work the next morning. Thursday nights where I live are awesome bar nights. The old me would have gone out, got a 12 pack, drank a little before heading out on the town and then finishing off the beer I had when I got back. Instead I came to this forum and hung out here for awhile, and went and worked out. And when I woke up this morning I felt like a million bucks!

I know I have a long ways to go, but I feel like I am making huge strides. Just thought I would share.
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Old 02-05-2010, 01:53 PM
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I'm glad you're feeling better.

I couldn't be around people who were drinking for a long time, when I began recovery.
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Old 02-05-2010, 02:27 PM
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Alice,

Glad last night worked out better for you. Maybe consider this idea. For amusement purposes only (or perhaps a life saver).

Originally Posted by Alice11 View Post
Well, I drank last Friday night because it was a co-workers birthday.
Do you really think that's why you drank last Friday? Can you say that out loud to yourself? "I made a decision to not drink. I drank because it was a co-worker's birthday." You made a decision to not drink. What possible difference could it make what day of the year it is?

It sounds like you know what might happen if you drink. You described the occurrences from last Friday. I bet you've had similar occurrences before, and I bet that's why you decided to quit drinking.

You made a choice to not drink. Last Friday, you failed to manage that choice.

Originally Posted by AA Big Book, 1st Ed.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.
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Old 02-05-2010, 02:34 PM
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Hi Alice

I made many choices to 'go with the flow' too...what I didn't realise then was that everytime I did that, I was simply adding another link to the chains that shackled me.

It took me twenty years to fully realise how self destructive drinking was for me, and that I was indeed an alcoholic.

Good for you staying true to yourself last night - well done!

D
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Old 02-05-2010, 02:43 PM
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Keith, wow, thank you for sharing that entry. It was really insightful. It is totally obscure to say, "I drank bc it was so and so's b-day". WTH! Thank you for pointing that out. That was not the reason I drank.

Thank you Dee and Anna also! I have a lot of things to think about. And Anna, I love your avatar
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Old 02-05-2010, 02:55 PM
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It is true that we drink for ANY reason. I am like Anna, in that I too could not go out out to any place where people were drinking. I am no longer like that most of the time, but if my mind frame isn't in a good place I still avoid that situation. Give yourself a pat on the back because you are learning and you did pass the test of being alone. I used to drink a lot when my husband traveled on business and he traveled a lot. It was very hard to have time to myself and be sober. Mind you it was not impossible, but it was not easy. I had to change things up and find things to keep myself busy.

Life does get easier and things start to flow.
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Old 02-05-2010, 03:30 PM
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I too like how I feel when I didn't drink the day before. I am so used to waking up feeling good now that I can't ever let myself drink again. I don't want to feel that bad again.
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