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21 Days-Good, bad and the ugly-but found my higher power

Old 01-24-2010, 11:27 AM
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21 Days-Good, bad and the ugly-but found my higher power

Hey everyone, hope you are all doing well. First, thanks for all of your help and support the last 3 weeks. Today I am celebrating 21 days sober and am feeling really good.

The last 3 weeks feel like the longest in my life, and so many things have been going on. I have gone from feeling scared, happy to downright uncertain about every 5 minutes. The good news is, my mind is clearing up, my health is better and I am spending a lot of time examining my self, and learning how to live life sober-its not easy, but I like it.

I couldnt believe that on Friday and Saturday, almost 21 days in, that I was so set on drinking again that I had to get out of my house and take my music and just walk around the city. Each night I walked for 3 hours going over and over again in my head, how much I wanted to drink, but also how much I didnt want to. It was awful, and I seriously thought I was going to lose it. I have never had a craving so bad, and I didnt just want to drink, I wanted to do that, or any drug I could get my hands on until I passed out.

But, I finally made it through and it was because I finally found my higher power, something I have been stuggling with these past weeks. I am a religious person normally, and have lived that way my whole life, but for some reason, when it came to my alcoholism, and the 12 steps, my mind was shutting out everything that I ever viewed in religion. I dont know why, but I couldnt go to God like I always did for EVERY other concern in my life. And, on Friday I was out walking and I said, "either I am going to drink tonight or I am not and it's all up to you God, because I cant control myself-the ball is in your court". Well, it was Friday night, and I went home, and fell asleep after about 20 seconds of lying down, and slept 13 hours waking up Saturday so glad about what happened. I have been struggling with being unable to sleep until then. Now, I am not a person that talks about special experiences, but I think I found my higher power that night, and on Saturday when I was craving like a madman, I did the same thing and here I am today. So I made it past step 2 finally.

I have been doing meetings daily, and Friday I walked out of a meeting ready to go drink and I was scared and embarrased and ready to give up. But, my higher power found me, only because I completely gave up. I didnt think that was how it would go down, but it did.

I am glad to be here today, 21 days in and thankful to my higher power for carrying me through.
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Old 01-24-2010, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by HIgby442 View Post
But, my higher power found me, only because I completely gave up. I didnt think that was how it would go down, but it did.
Hi Ryan,

That's exactly how it does happen, when you completely surrender and give up.

It's encouraging to hear you have found your HP and can now move on to working the rest of the steps.

Congratulations on staying sober. And all that walking would have been good for you too
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Old 01-24-2010, 11:36 AM
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Congratulations on your 21 days! The beautiful thing about this program is that it's a God of your understanding. Whatever works for you, works! The beauty is that once you begin to see results like the experience you shared, your faith strengthens. I'm very happy for you. Keep coming back!
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Old 01-24-2010, 11:52 AM
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I went through 12 years of religiuos education and knew all about God. But I never found Him until I walked into the doors of AA.
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Old 01-24-2010, 01:13 PM
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Congratulations on 3 weeks HIgby

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Old 01-24-2010, 01:26 PM
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Hi Ryan,

It sounds like you are doing really well!
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Old 01-24-2010, 06:50 PM
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Yeah things are going good. I said it before and I will say it again-My worst days now are better than my best days used to be.

Did you ever wish you had more time to just work through all this stuff? I feel like I am never going to have enough time to rationalize everything changing in my life-but at least it is all for the good, and I will be able to look back some day and be glad it all worked out.
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Old 01-24-2010, 09:58 PM
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CONGRATULATIONS ON 21 DAYS!

I struggled for years with finding my Higher Power. I was confusing HP and Religion. I grew up in the Catholic Church and School (elementary school) and remember the Nuns saying that if we broke one of the 10 Commandments we would go to hell. So picture this, a little girl in 2nd grade terrified that she was all ready condemned to burn in hell. I'd stolen my friend's Barbie doll dress, I lied to my Mom when she asked who made the mess in the living room . . . So then I try to work the Steps, yet struggled on each one where God/HP is mentioned. How was I supposed to believe that this God who I felt had already tried me and I was "found guilty" was the same God/HP that I was supposed to turn my will and life over to His care? I was very confused. I also felt that God had left me a long time ago and if He loved me, all of the sh*t that happened to me when I was using would not have happened.

I was struggling with trying to get clean for a few weeks but couldn't make it through one day. On July 24, 2005, I was exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. I was suicidal. I was screaming out to God at the top of my lungs to either help me or let me die. I couldn't take any more of the pain of my addiction. The next thing I knew, I woke up to a morning with the sun shining, birds singing. I had slept for several hours too. I was still dope sick physically, but emotionally and spriritually, I felt free for the first time in my life. I had surrendered. I had found the God of my understanding that night. It was just ironic that we both had had a very hard time sleeping and when we do turn it over to God, we can sleep. It's literally like the weight of the world was lifted off our shoulders. We knew there was hope.

Friday and Saturday nights are especially hard because society tells us that we're to celebrate the weekend by partying on these nights. Normal people can go out, have a few drinks and stop. But us alcoholics, one is too many and a thousand is never enough. I only drank on days that ended in Y. lol

You sound like you're doing really well. You mentioned some things that lead me to believe that you are going to Meetings. Have you gotten any phone numbers? These are vital so when that urge hits, you can pick up the phone and call someone.

Thanks for letting me share and God Bless,
Judy
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:39 AM
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Thanks for the feedback, yeah things are going pretty well. And, you were right, I am going to meetings every day, as much as possible. I wish I had more time to go to more than one. I have not gotten any numbers yet, but have gotten past being just a silent listener, and have followed the advice of others in sticking around afterwards and talking to other folks.
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:46 AM
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Good for you! /congrats on 21 days! God is always there you just have to reach out.
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