BoyRacer

So, this would be...like my fifth ramble in approximately 2 and half years in this very section your nice board. If you want to read, go ahead, I just need to type it out because I am feeling a bit "for myself", which, I recognize NOW as I can only NOW admit to myself:

Mood dysfunctions that I have been stomping with alcohol---wrapped in more mood dysfunctions that because I am not pouring alcohol on them, are getting even MORE uptight and prissy now that I have a new set of Interesting Drug milligrams that they resent. The whole lot of these moods, born out of these petulant, malnournished, Celtic, and Norman genetics agree that they generally dislike having been housed in the hovel that is ME, get on only with one another, and have a pact that they will make my life as much a nightmare as possible in direct proportion to as little sunlight as they are allowed on a daily basis.

This also my newest section where I am really intending going to an AA meeting.

I have NOT had a blessed drop of the boose in two weeks, before that---it 'twas two glasses of wine in two weeks, before THAT, well, it was the reason I decided to stop.

I know NOW I am well enough along, and what makes me so ANGRY, and so frustrated is that I know that I originally started drinking quite honestly for its potency as a drug, becaue here and there, and done, you know, quite right, it could have a certain...psychedelic...No, **** it, I'm lying now.

I like drinking. I need to tell the truth: for as long as I can remember: My mood baseline is boredom. Grey, that needs a washing, hopefully, that will take an entire world away with it. I cannot remember when all that started, but it was quite early on, and it was not fun. I learned pretty young to keep my mouth shut about it, that holding it would be the wisest thing to do. Sure, I have been deeply, at times self-harmingly, suicidally depressed, even as a young 'un. And, without the boose, it will feel like getting flayed, I am going to have to deal with that---one way, or another, but it cannot be done with it.



This is a long, old and ridiculous story, so let me summarize: I have long since stopped socializing. I have also long since stopped "medicating" as well. Probably years?

I have also stopped "abusing" alcohol, and I know this, because I think, just personally, abuse comes when the real darkness comes in, not the Byronesque oblivion you crave (but you will obviously never experience, since it's made-up, genius!) but genuine, dystopian, hellish events occur. Sometimes where... you, dare I say it, people could end up dead driving, or you end up at ****** up places you don't want to be, cuts and bruises, etc, etc.

And now, I think, no, let's put it on the table, I helped myself to a nice warm glass of addiction. Hip hip hip....hooray! Now what? I mean, I have not "been that bad off"----I suppose I was a classic....binge drinker? every other day? 6 drinks? 15-20 on the weekends? What 30 year crashes at his buddy's place? What 30 year old has buddies that LET them "crash" anyways? Who ARE these people??

Whatever, grading myself is besides the point because the ability to control myself is/was/has slipped through my fingers like so much hair.


Here's the Crazy talk:

I really have no fecking idea, at this point. I have a therapist, finally. I have had a psychiatrist I have been lying to, who I have come clean to.

Its not enough. Now I can barely get out of bed. The damn Topamax is making me stupid and nauseous, but has yet to make me NOT eat.

I do not want to drink alcohol, but I sure would love to have a drink. Know what I mean?

I want to quit my job, go back to school, shoot a shitload of Super 8 of this experience, tell the universe to kiss my ass for making ever had to realize waking up was something I had to do every day.

But for NOW...I will try to work the balls to get over myself, go to an AA meeting...and change how I think about myself, as a start.


Thanks for reading, you're the best.

Stereosteveo

"This also my newest section where I am really intending going to an AA meeting."
"But for NOW...go to an AA meeting...and change how I think about myself, as a start."

Well you said it twice. Now all you have to do is go at least once. If you can't seem to get there on your own, call the local number and someone will gladly come and get you.

These is a great realization you pointed out about yourself:
"..to get over myself"
Yeah, there's lots of people who need you there.

tyler

Been down that road myself. Depression sucks. It led me to try to take my own life. I was being treated for it, but of course I had to do my own self treatment as well. My poor doctors tried anything and everything they could think of, and it never worked, because I kept interfering with it. You gotta, gotta, be honest with them. It's their job. They're not gonna take it personally, it's what we addicts do, lie about our addiction. They just want to help us and they only way they can is by being totally honest with them. Even if they are the only people in the world you are totally honest to, you gotta do it.

When I finally quit (pot and booze my drugs of choice) it took awhile to feel somewhat "normal". Even at that point there was a good deal of trial and error with my psychitrist as far as meds went. It's been 8 months now, and I am only now starting to feel like we have the right "mix". I had moved so I had to get a new Doc and theripist, so when I did I promised not to waste their time and my time and money telling them BS. If I'm gonna do that I just may as well save the money and not go at all.

I've lied consistently to just about every person in my life since I was about 12 years old. Something happened to me at that age that I choose not to discuss on these boards. I have few memories prior to that age. I can't fix the lies I told, and I sometimes still fall into bad habbits and lie now, but I don't lie to my Doc and I don't lie to my theripist. I am comitted to that, and they are committed to keep me from being comitted again!! (not a pleasent experience, I really don't recomend it!!)

I certainly don't have all the answers, I am very much a work in progress, but at least I am making progress now. Before I was just spinning my wheels, same excuses (bordeom, kill the pain, etc) You gotta go all in!! Posting your thoughts and feelings here can help too, so stick around. Take care.