mysapark

I think I am an alcoholic. I have been drinking since I was young and I am now 38. Drinking would go in spurts. Like in college we went out everynight and got smashed at the bars. After college, same thing. Then I had kids. I managed to go through 3 pregnancies with only drinking a few here and there. Now in my life (after my 3rd baby) and this happened after my 2nd I am out of control. I drink a bottle of wine everyday. After the kids go to sleep, I grab the bottle and drink it in a few hours. I am also pigging out on snacks while drinking. I try to go a night without it, but at the last minute I run to the grocery store and buy a bottle. If I do make it a day or two without drinking, I will wayyyy over do it, once I drink again. Sometimes drinking two bottles.
Lately I have been acting weird when drunk. This is new. The other night my husband said I got up and pee'd on our bedroom floor (I drank a lot that day, Halloween party). I have been blacking out, not remembering conversations with my husband and he said I have been acting mean. Plus, my house is falling apart because I don't have the energy to take care of the kids and clean the next day. So, I just hang with the kids. My youngest is 5 months and I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old.
Anyway, my husband says that I should not drink. He drinks a lot to. He want's to quit but I know he is able to drink in moderation if he puts his mind to it. I told him that it's not going to be that easy for me. That I don't want to drink this much, I just can't seem to stop. Besides, what am I going to do at holiday events and times out with friends? Everything fun that is done with others always revolves around drinking. We live in the mid-west. Pretty alcohol oriented here.
I just don't know where to start. I am not interrested in talking to my doc about it. They just say to see a counselor. I don't have the time or money for a counselor right now, nor do I have times for meetings or anything.
Thanks for listening

ANGELINA243

Welcome--Glad you are here. I became a blackout drinker too. I also tried to moderate my drinking--it didn't work. I would recommend seeing a DR. for a medical check up--especially if it has been awhile since your last visit. Also, depending on how much and how often you have been drinking within the past few months (especially if heavy consumption) are important to consider also----some of us need to be detoxed medically with DR help. Alcohol withdrawal can be deadly. Your Dr can help with getting safely off booze if that is what you need.

Also, I had to make time for my sobriety. I found time in my schedule to get drunk....so it was told to me that I would have to make some necesssary changes in order to achieve sobriety. AA is free--since you mentioned cost might be an issue. Also, some groups have childcare available so you can attend the meeting and not get distracted by keeping an eye on your kids the whole time. You are not alone. Glad to see you reaching out for help. We do recover.

mysapark

Thanks for your kind words. Since I have posted I have been reading this site for more info. I finally decided that I do think I need AA. I found a meeting today at 4:30 and think I will attend. Can I just show up? I am shy and not social, I know I will feel weird.

How do I find an AA program with childcare? They only showed location, Non-smoking etc on the sites listings.

I just had a doc appt. He did a bunch of bloodwork which all came back fine.

I think I can detox without any problems. I may not be able to sleep well though.

coffeenut

I could have written your original post....but it would take me another 10 years to finally understand that I needed to be sober. I so applaud you for taking action NOW. Your children will greatly benefit from your sober actions.

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here.

wanttolive

Ultimately you have to do it for yourself. But for now think of your future with your kids. This is not a threadjack just possibly your future. My kids were about exactly the same age as yours when my drinking picked up. Hey why not, not pregnant, not nursing my body is now my own again. My oldest, now 23 moved in with her dad at 16 who was hardly stable and then with a friend because of my drinking and getting 'mean'. My 19 yr old just stayed mostly away from me when drinking until college. My now 17 yr old went to live with my brother until I quit. Pretty sad that I wanted to drink sooo much that I let those things happen.

Now to you, you know its a progressive disease so it won't get better. Moderation is nearly impossible for alkies. As far as events go I was very skeptical at first but they can be alright and even fun without alcohol. Sometimes it's funny in a sad way to watch the drunks! The events are also just a small part of your life but your kids are probably the center of your universe.

I truly hope you quit before they can figure out what is going on. Even though you drink after they are in bed little ones get sick in the night, sometimes need the er. What good would you be in that situation? You have a whole life of gymnastics, ballet, programs, football games ahead of you. Enjoy them sober! I wish I could go back and not be buzzed through half of them.

Sorry this is so long its just that You are Me many years ago and while I have a good relationship now I missed alot and don't want anyone else to go through that for something you can stop now. Please feel free to pm me if you want to talk. Good luck to you.

Wolfchild

Ago

Yes you can just "drop in" to an AA meeting

around here they have meetings with childcare and other meetings that are children friendly

When you wrote this my thought was, OK, well then just keep drinking until it gets so bad you can't go on, and you lose your husband, home, and children, then you will have plenty of time to get to meetings, and maybe have the required willingness, but then I saw you want to attend AA

They can help you there if you let them, good luck

Sikkisirus

Welcome to SR this is a great place for support

mysapark

Well it's 3:30 here and I am starting to think about this evening, where I will attempt to not drink. I am going to the AA meeting in 45 minutes but being my first time, I am not sure much will be different once I leave. I will try and do something different tonight to help keep my mind off the wine.

Any tips/suggestions will be appreciated.

Ago - when I posted about not wanting to talk with my doc or counselor, I was thinking that I could do it on my own. I have mentioned to docs they just say see a counselor. I think AA may be what I should do as there are many times, and weekend meetings.

Wish me luck.

Dee74

Welcome mysapark

Hope you find the meeting useful. Maybe try and get some phone numbers for the tough times....

Sticking by SR and talking with others here can be helpful in the early days too.

I would see a Dr too - professional advice is good - how do you know what they're going to tell you?

D

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, mysapark. did you make it to your meeting?

are you a stay at home mom? one thing a stay at home mom told me once was that she started cooking more in her crockpot. that way she could prepare supper in the early part of the day to change things up in her routine and avoid that whole "drink while cooking" thing.

hope that helps you a bit. support to you! k

ANGELINA243

Let us know how the meeting went. You have the willingness...

mysapark

Meeting was good. Got a number from a guy who will meet me at a meeting or give some names of women to meet me at a meeting. Got all the pamphlets, hear the stories, it was a nice time. Meeting was small as there was a Packer game tonight.

I like the crock pot idea for mixing things up. I am glad it's winter becasue, in the summer we would grill out every night and that was a big drinking time. Now we are in the house and I can try and find something else to do. I will read more on this site and start that book they gave me.

ANGELINA243

That sounds great! Definitely get some women's phone numbers. Also the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous--especially the "Doctor's Opinion" is a good starting chapter to read when you are first new to the program. Glad you enjoyed the meeting. Hope to hear more from you soon.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

I suggest you only take invitations and numbers
from AA women. That way you won't need
to deal with anything outside of your personal recovery

....While most AA men mean well
Not everyone in AA is a poster guy for morality.
It also might get your husband needlessly upset.

Try to sit next to a calm smiling woman and talk to her
before or after the meeting. She most likely can explain
any questions you have.

This reply is based on my long term successful AA memeship.
I'm really impressed by your willingness...Congratulations!

mysapark

Well, I did it -- I did not drink last night. Now to make sure I don't today.

1KitGer

Mysapark- I know exactly where you are coming from. I have been in AA for about 5 years and I only have 3 days. I think about drinking every day. Thank you so much for your post, because I know im not alone. When I go to meetings, talk to other AA people, and my sponsor I feel alot better and can stay sober, BUT when I get away from those things I have the worst time. Sometimes just sleeping is the only time I dont thik about drinking. But everyday it gets easier. Congrats for not drinking last night. Click on my name if you ever want to talk. Again thanks for your post. 1KitGer

keithj

I'm beating the drum at you on this idea 1Kit. The people in AA are just the context of spirituality; they are not the spirituality itself.

I had to learn how to place my reliance on a higher power by following the directions in the Big Book. It's the one thing that chronic relapsers never do. If that sponsor and those people and those meetings can't keep you sober, what is there left to do?

The answer is accept spiritual help. The answer is your own experience with a spiritual awakening. The book just tells you how to get there. I'll leave this alone. It's up to you.

mysapark

Was not able to make it to a meeting today, but I did not drink. I had chocolate, and sweets to curb the cravings and was very irritable. LOL Going to bed now.

MDB79

Welcome aboard!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish you the very best in this new journey!!!!! Taking the first step is always the hardest part of any journey...