Hey cnr, I have to jump on my little soap box here. I really hope, for you, that you will give a recovery program a chance. I know AA meetings aren't super fun to go to but I do feel having a sponsor for support and accountability is great. Also working the 12 Steps. If I had a dime for every time I heard "I didn't think working the steps was important........." and then that person did it and succeeded........
It usually took us all a long time to get to this point, it's not going to be a thing where we wake up, take a pill and we're cured. I do hope you'll give it a shot. We've put so much time and effort into getting messed up, it makes sense to want to do the same to get and stay sober.
My best to you.
"When you're green, you grow, when you're ripe, you rot. Don't stop learning." ~ Unknown