Hey cnr, I have to jump on my little soap box here. I really hope, for you, that you will give a recovery program a chance. I know AA meetings aren't super fun to go to but I do feel having a sponsor for support and accountability is great. Also working the 12 Steps. If I had a dime for every time I heard "I didn't think working the steps was important........." and then that person did it and succeeded........
It usually took us all a long time to get to this point, it's not going to be a thing where we wake up, take a pill and we're cured. I do hope you'll give it a shot. We've put so much time and effort into getting messed up, it makes sense to want to do the same to get and stay sober.
My best to you.
