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Old 09-26-2009, 07:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My Child is an alcoholic


How does one know when "helping" becomes "enabling"? Our 25 year old daughter went into detox last December for three days - we weren't aware that there was a problem. She lived an hour away. She took a leave of absence from her job for a few weeks, went back and within a couple of weeks was pulled over for dui. She eventually quit her job to get better and moved home with us. Ended up losing her license for 9 months on a reckless driving charge with a zero tolerence level for alcohol, if she's the driver, for the next five years.

She attended a few AA meetings and went to a therapist for a few months. She got a job at a place she used to work for the summer. For the most part she seemed to be getting better; enjoying things she used to enjoy, laughing and reading again. Then we noticed wine missing, she didn't come home some nights, etc. Her fiance' (the boy) was not aware she was drinking at all. Anyway, things blew up last week - she pushed her father, threw wine in his face, she had been drinking. The boy came and got her.

Her summer job had just ended and she started working at a local animal shelter - 1 day. (she has a college degree in biology). She still has the job- she called in with family problems. Anyway, she wants to come home for a few weeks until she gets her license back and can commute. Living at home is not an option but we do have rental property and she wants to live there. Do we allow her to live in the rental in order to keep her job, which I feel employment is a positive thing - or shut the door? Initially we wanted AA & counseling as a condition to move in but those options aren't going to help if the addict doesn't want to be there.

Apologies to me but not her dad.

Anyone have any sage advice?
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Old 09-26-2009, 07:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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That is a really tough decision. I myself am the addict. And had the biggest enabler ever.
It hurt me in so many ways. I had it good. Had a home to come flop my butt in when I got tired of being out there. Food to eat and every way to get out of any situation as long as my gram had anything to do with it.
Although it is that same enabling that probably kept me from dieing in the street. And the unconditional love that kept me trying.
I wish she would have left me to stew in my own misery a long time ago.
I would have had a serious dose of reality and possibly would have gotten my act together sooner.
Once left on our own with no one to get us out of our own messes. We can feel the consequences. As long as someone is always bailing us out. There are no consequences.

We have a family and friends section here. You may find alot of info and others there who can help you with alot of your questions. Post where you like. It is not a big deal. But that would be ideal for your situation. Here is a link.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I cant say what you should or shouldnt do.
All I can do is share my own experience and thoughts on my own situation.
Good luck and I hope your daughter gets the help she needs. And Hopefully you and your husband can find some peace.
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Old 09-26-2009, 07:29 PM   #3 (permalink)
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My belief is that she needs to take positive action on her own. You can only do so much and the line between helping can be very fine. Joint sessions with a counselor may be an idea... Best of luck...!
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Old 09-26-2009, 08:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Bikerhen

I have no experience with children, but I wanted to welcome you to SR.

You've already had a lot of good advice - please do check out the link that Aysha left tho - our Family and Friends board is fantastic too

I know this must be so hard for you and your husband.
I hope that your daughter gets the help she needs.

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Old 09-26-2009, 10:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome.....

Please read "Co-Dependent No More" by mealanie Beattie

Hope y'all can work out something beneficial for everyone.
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Old 09-27-2009, 12:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
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thats difficult.

i have known and still do....people that were forced to go to AA through the probation system..ie prison or AA.
some of those people remained sober and continued to attend AA after the probation period....the penny dropped.

if it were me id probably go for that option.....if she wants the help from living at home then shes gotta help herself approach.

closing the door on a child is full of heartache for the parents.
if may be the right thing to do....but it will tear you up......ive seen it.
my mother closed the door on me......and i continue to live on the streets drinking for 2 years....it did nothing to stop me really and tore my mother to pieces.
she aged 20 years in 2.....but that was the advice she got..

dont lose hope.......people DO stop drinking and lead happy content lives..
if they are willing to help themselves

could you suggest coming to Sr for support and advice?

god be with you all...........
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Old 09-27-2009, 12:18 AM   #7 (permalink)
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