Hi, I'm wanting to heal!
One Foot in Front of the Other
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
Hi, I'm wanting to heal!
Hello all, I'm WantToHeal. I am a problem drinker who has lurked around these forums for a few weeks, but have registered in the hopes that reading other members' stories and receiving advice can be one tool in helping me to achieve lasting sobriety.
I am a 33-year old male, happy married, with two college degrees and a good career. No children, but my wife and I are both animal lovers. We have three cats and a tortoise.
I should mention that I come from a "broken home" where I witnessed domestic violence from birth until age 8. About 3 years ago, I had to again experience this trauma after my father beat my stepmother. My father is a recovering alcoholic with about 3.5 years sober.
In 2005, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and put on Lexapro. For about the last four years, all was smooth sailing until the effectiveness of the medication wore off this past spring. Since that time, I have tried Zoloft and am now on Cymbalta for the depression and anxiety.
When the original meds crapped out on me, I also swore off drinking. I have realized for some time - since a 2002 DUI - that my drinking was unhealthy and self-destructive. I made it about three months sober, until I started to feel better on the Cymbalta. Then I started drinking again in spurts, not everyday, but sometimes heavily.
Around Labor Day, my anxiety started to return. Convinced that the drinking on Cymbalta, or drinking in general, is not healthy for my liver or my mental outlook, I again stopped drinking on September 7, with September 8 being my first full day of sobriety.
In addition to not drinking, and becoming involved in communities such as this one, I am also seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, and have been since this time last year.
As my user name implies, I want to be well. That means a lot of things to me. I want to be healthier - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want to be a better husband to my wife, who is surely a better soul mate to me than I deserve. I don't want to live in fear of everything. I want to be able to relax in my own skin and my own environment, without turning to alcohol. I want to see more of the beauty in the world on a daily basis, and to appreciate life's miracles. Most importantly, I want to come to terms with my past and begin to love myself again.
Tall order? Perhaps. But in looking around this board and others like it, I see that happiness other people have, and I hunger to have it myself.
So...that's my story. Thanks for listening, and I look forward to communicating with you as I take an active role in my own recovery and healing.
I am a 33-year old male, happy married, with two college degrees and a good career. No children, but my wife and I are both animal lovers. We have three cats and a tortoise.
I should mention that I come from a "broken home" where I witnessed domestic violence from birth until age 8. About 3 years ago, I had to again experience this trauma after my father beat my stepmother. My father is a recovering alcoholic with about 3.5 years sober.
In 2005, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and put on Lexapro. For about the last four years, all was smooth sailing until the effectiveness of the medication wore off this past spring. Since that time, I have tried Zoloft and am now on Cymbalta for the depression and anxiety.
When the original meds crapped out on me, I also swore off drinking. I have realized for some time - since a 2002 DUI - that my drinking was unhealthy and self-destructive. I made it about three months sober, until I started to feel better on the Cymbalta. Then I started drinking again in spurts, not everyday, but sometimes heavily.
Around Labor Day, my anxiety started to return. Convinced that the drinking on Cymbalta, or drinking in general, is not healthy for my liver or my mental outlook, I again stopped drinking on September 7, with September 8 being my first full day of sobriety.
In addition to not drinking, and becoming involved in communities such as this one, I am also seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, and have been since this time last year.
As my user name implies, I want to be well. That means a lot of things to me. I want to be healthier - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want to be a better husband to my wife, who is surely a better soul mate to me than I deserve. I don't want to live in fear of everything. I want to be able to relax in my own skin and my own environment, without turning to alcohol. I want to see more of the beauty in the world on a daily basis, and to appreciate life's miracles. Most importantly, I want to come to terms with my past and begin to love myself again.
Tall order? Perhaps. But in looking around this board and others like it, I see that happiness other people have, and I hunger to have it myself.
So...that's my story. Thanks for listening, and I look forward to communicating with you as I take an active role in my own recovery and healing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
I get the feeling that you think you're undeserving of all that you seek. That's part of the problem I think. Perhaps think of loving yourself first. Don't think that you gotta get fixed first and then you can be loveable. Also, not such a tall order, most of us here want that as well. Many of us do.
Welcome to SR.
Welcome to SR.
One Foot in Front of the Other
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
Thanks, Ken, and it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I think you are right. I do feel undeserving of the things and people I have, and I realize that the lack of self-love is a problem for me. I've just started to discuss this problem with my therapist this past week.
It's just that self-love (in addition to all of the other things I want for myself!) is so big. At this point, I don't even know where to begin. Hopefully I can begin to tackle this little by little.
It's just that self-love (in addition to all of the other things I want for myself!) is so big. At this point, I don't even know where to begin. Hopefully I can begin to tackle this little by little.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
It was and sometimes is the same way for me. You've made a good first step by coming here and also seeing someone professional face to face. You really should pat yourself on the back. It's good for the soul. More folks will be along I'm sure to chime in. Be patient.
WantToHeal you will find lots of support on these forums. Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hey Want, by the way, it is NOT a tall order!! A lot of work but is so, so, so doable. Congrats on wanting the great things in life for yourself.
Also, Welcome to SR, this site is great for support, advice and experience.
Also, Welcome to SR, this site is great for support, advice and experience.
Sounds like you've made a healthy and wise decision. You'll find a lot of support and understanding here.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,516
I think issues with self-esteem are at the root of addiction for many people. That was definitely the case with me. You can't continue to poison yourself, if you care about yourself.
And, we are all here, striving to better ourselves and to understand more about this journey that we are on. There is so much good information and inspiration here, so I hope you keep reading and posting.
And, we are all here, striving to better ourselves and to understand more about this journey that we are on. There is so much good information and inspiration here, so I hope you keep reading and posting.
One Foot in Front of the Other
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
Your response hits it right on the nose for me, Anna. My last therapy session involved my therapist trying to get at my "core self". Some people call it their inner child. This is really hard for me given my background, since the childhood me never felt safe or truly cared for. Anyway, I was asked to contemplate what my inner child thought about my use of alcohol, and the only response I could come up with was a question: "Why are you, too, hurting and destroying me?"
That's a very difficult breakthrough to get my head around. I don't have any answer for the little guy, or the other people in my life, other than I can't go on living as a drinker.
That's a very difficult breakthrough to get my head around. I don't have any answer for the little guy, or the other people in my life, other than I can't go on living as a drinker.
Love my puppies
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: lala land
Posts: 150
Hi there WantToHeal...I've found that getting sober, all kinds of feelings and past hurts come flooding in to the point of total and utter confusion. I have almost 6yrs clean, yet my biggest problem still, is being afraid of being happy. It scares the hell outta me. It seems that whenever things seem to be looking up ever so slightly, the rug gets pulled out from under me...recent example is my husband died 6 months ago.
I am much more comfortable being depressed...if I'm already expecting the worst, then I can't be so disappointed. Happiness is very hard for me...I hope thru your counseling and working on yourself, you will be able to attain it, but don't expect it to happen all at once just because you stopped drinking. It's a lot of work to stay clean...but it really is so worth it. :ghug3
I am much more comfortable being depressed...if I'm already expecting the worst, then I can't be so disappointed. Happiness is very hard for me...I hope thru your counseling and working on yourself, you will be able to attain it, but don't expect it to happen all at once just because you stopped drinking. It's a lot of work to stay clean...but it really is so worth it. :ghug3
One Foot in Front of the Other
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
Thanks, tigers. I appreciate your words of wisdom and caution. I've reached the point where I know that quitting drinking won't solve all of my problems, or even make them easy to deal with. What I do know is that alcohol always muddied the waters for me, terribly. I've managed to ignore or sleep through so much, but never actually deal with it.
And my sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. I do hope that, in time, you are able to find the happiness you deserve. I really believe that each of us deserves to be happy...I just haven't figured out how to apply that philosophy to myself yet.
And my sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. I do hope that, in time, you are able to find the happiness you deserve. I really believe that each of us deserves to be happy...I just haven't figured out how to apply that philosophy to myself yet.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi Wanttoheal
like Vegibean said - it's not that tall an order - I've seen many many ppl here want, and then get, what you want - including myself
It does take a lot of work and commitment and, sometimes, some faith that you will get there - but it is very much worth it
Welcome to SR
D
like Vegibean said - it's not that tall an order - I've seen many many ppl here want, and then get, what you want - including myself
It does take a lot of work and commitment and, sometimes, some faith that you will get there - but it is very much worth it
Welcome to SR
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by WantToHeal 
the only response I could come up with was a question: "Why are you, too, hurting and destroying me?"
Thanks for the share
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
You are definitely on a good track! Why do you feel anxious? I hope you stay sober.
Just remember man that no one can ever blame you for being honest. Just be yourself! Sometimes we get wrapped around playing mind games with people, or trying to be something we are not. Just be yourself. If you start there, you will live much more happily.
Mabe you're not satisfied with who "yourself" is. But hey, that's ok! I know how that feels. But if you really want to reach Point B, then you need to know where Point A is...right?
Good luck man, and please keep posting!
Just remember man that no one can ever blame you for being honest. Just be yourself! Sometimes we get wrapped around playing mind games with people, or trying to be something we are not. Just be yourself. If you start there, you will live much more happily.
Mabe you're not satisfied with who "yourself" is. But hey, that's ok! I know how that feels. But if you really want to reach Point B, then you need to know where Point A is...right?
Good luck man, and please keep posting!
One Foot in Front of the Other
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
Thanks, Reese. I appreciate your warm welcome. My anxieties of the day are:
1) That I can't believe I went back to drinking and destabilized myself mentally after finally feeling good on a combination of a new med and therapy - this relates to my post in the Anxiety subforum. What if I never get back the stability I had on this med? What if I have to switch meds again?
-and-
2) That I think I screwed up my liver with the combination of the Cymbalta (which carries a slight potential for liver damage) and beer (which we all know is not good for the liver). Never mind the fact that my panel came back completely normal before starting the Cymbalta.
So, as you can see, I'm working with a pretty potent combo of guilt, regret, and health anxiety right now...in addition to just stopping drinking within the last week.
1) That I can't believe I went back to drinking and destabilized myself mentally after finally feeling good on a combination of a new med and therapy - this relates to my post in the Anxiety subforum. What if I never get back the stability I had on this med? What if I have to switch meds again?
-and-
2) That I think I screwed up my liver with the combination of the Cymbalta (which carries a slight potential for liver damage) and beer (which we all know is not good for the liver). Never mind the fact that my panel came back completely normal before starting the Cymbalta.
So, as you can see, I'm working with a pretty potent combo of guilt, regret, and health anxiety right now...in addition to just stopping drinking within the last week.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Welcome, WantToHeal.
Careful, you're doing a lot of things right (wanting to heal, going to therapy, etc), but don't get caught up in the anxieties of this last post of yours.
You were stable and went to drinking... it happened. You're starting on a different path now. As far as getting that stability back, I can't call it... but worrying about it will probably keep it away...
You're worried about your liver, arrange for a liver panel... you already know that one.
Take care, and I really like your name.
-TB, not intending to sound mean if I do
Careful, you're doing a lot of things right (wanting to heal, going to therapy, etc), but don't get caught up in the anxieties of this last post of yours.
You were stable and went to drinking... it happened. You're starting on a different path now. As far as getting that stability back, I can't call it... but worrying about it will probably keep it away...
You're worried about your liver, arrange for a liver panel... you already know that one.
Take care, and I really like your name.
-TB, not intending to sound mean if I do
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